See? Dash isn't too bad once she's...really damn tired. Woot.

I'll be honest, I haven't really planned this out too well, I'm just letting my Joker-obsession take over! Ideas are always appreciated. Also, some facts may be a little askew, such as how Shepard knows Kaidan and whatnot. It seems cuter this way. Also, I completely forgot the actual dialogue of the council when they make Shep a spectre, so I made it up...heh, sorry.

And flamers will be violated with a rake. Enjoy. ~

PJB

~O0O~

Joker always got bored when the ship was docked. In fact, all he ever seemed to do nowadays was spy on people using the surveillance equipment. It was times like these that he really loved that Shepard always kept a live radio feed with her. It kept him in the know, and, more importantly, kept him amused. There was also a small, pretty crappy, camera attached to her helmet. Why, he didn't really know, but it was kind of cool to see everything first-hand.

Shepard had just been totally screwed over by the council. They had completely blanked all her claims, and completely taken the side of that bastard-of-a-Turian Saren. He was blatantly evil! He barely even looked like a Turian! He was all...deformed, and junk!

Although maybe Joker was just biased. He had seen how badly that whole experience on Eden prime had rattled Shepard. Shepard. She was a weird one. Timid and frail when alone, tough and fierce in action, and freaking gold when she was half-asleep. He honestly didn't really know what to think about her. She was funny, quirky...but was that just when she was tired? He couldn't be sure. She was an unpredictable one, that much was sure.

He certainly wasn't going to be forgetting their little...well, not really 'little' – it was actually pretty damn long – encounter from last night any time soon. Shepard had been a completely different person from the pitiful little whelp he watched sob every night. It showed that there was hope of Shepard getting better, she just needed to open up to someone. And...well, Joker quite wanted to be that person. He wasn't good with people either. He understood. No one wanted to be friends with a snarky, smartass little cripple like him, and Shepard was understandably hesitant to reveal that she wasn't quite the heroic, tactical mastermind she was portrayed as.

In the time that Joker hadn't been paying attention, Shepard had been transported to some sort of medical clinic, and was wrestling thugs away from a doctor, with the help of a C-sec Turian. She moved impressively fast. She appeared ruthless, shooting first, thinking about it second. Maybe that was why she was so emotionally messed-up? The guilt was getting her, perhaps. He couldn't be sure, and he didn't feel like he knew her well enough to ask. He sat back in his highly-uncomfortable chair, the seat creaking angrily at his movement. The chairs on military ships really were terrible. He was sitting down almost twenty-four hours a day, they could have at least tried to make it so he didn't cramp up every couple of minutes if he didn't move constantly.

"How's the Commander doing?" Kaidan slipped into the seat beside Joker's, like he did fairly often. Shepard had sent Kaidan back to the ship in exchange for the new Turian, who had insisted he tag along. Shepard had hesitated, obviously not wanting to upset Kaidan by choosing the Turian over him, until Kaidan offered to return to the Normandy.

"The woman's freakin' lethal. Seriously, she pretty much just made a thug explode." Joker didn't look away from the screen, which was now splattered with...thug debris and other stuff that Joker didn't even want to identify. Kaidan sighed, moving closer so he could watch the screen as well.

"She didn't look good this morning. Does she seem sick to you or something?" Kaidan asked, frowning at the screen. At least she had stopped slaughtering people now. She had moved on to going back to the same strip club that had directed her to the med clinic. It must have been tiring, doing fuck all all day. Joker shifted awkwardly. He knew why Shepard seemed off, but was there a good way to say 'Oh, I've been watching her cry her heart out every night instead of sleeping!'. Instead, he opted for shrugging.

"I dunno. I haven't really spoken to her all that much." Shepard had said some pretty weird things last night, and Joker would keep that between them. Kaidan did seem genuinely concerned for Shepard's well-being, though. Was there something else going on there? Ooh, scandal.

"Not that she would tell you. She doesn't want to worry people with her problems." That really didn't seem like the way one spoke about their Commander.

"How long have you known her? Sounds like you're close." Joker finally glanced towards Kaidan, who was smiling like he'd just remembered something good. Joker raised a sceptical eyebrow. Okay, now he was curious.

"A while now. We'd met just a few times before we were both assigned to the Normandy. She's just...interesting. One minute she'll be ripping an enemy to pieces, and the next she'll be helping a kid find their lost teddy bear." From what little Joker had seen, Kaidan wasn't far wrong. But that all sounded a little too affectionate to be normal. Unless that was just how Kaidan spoke about everyone. Which would have been...really, really creepy.

"She does seem a bit...timid. Odd for a Military commander." Joker was trying to squeeze more information from the Lieutenant, just for future reference. He wondered how much Kaidan knew about Shepard's emotional instability.

"Well, from what I hear, she didn't have options other than joining the military. She was a poor orphan down on earth. She had no home, no money...it was her only real choice. She's good at what she does, but I don't think it's really...ideal for her." Joker nodded in agreement, turning his attention back to the screen momentarily.

"Now she's trying to save a Quarian who's about to be killed by Saren's men. This is like some kind of terrible, low-budget vid drama...how does she deal with all this shit?" Joker said it more to himself than Kaidan, but he hummed in reply, suddenly completely focused on everything Shepard was doing.

Her movements were swift, running so fast that the camera could barely keep up with her. Her movements were erratic and jerky. Kaidan gripped the arm of his chair tightly, running deep grooves in the rough material with his fingernails. Him and Joker were thinking the same thing: If Shepard didn't manage to save this Quarian, she would blame herself for it. It would break her. Kaidan's knuckles had turned white from the force of which he was clenching his fists. Joker was filled with anxiety. This whole charade really was like an old action vid.

Shepard could feel herself quickly filling with panic. A Quarian was about to die if they didn't hurry up, but they were being held up by seemingly endless hordes of useless idiots. At least Fist was gone for now. Yes, Shepard could have easily killed him. She wanted to. But she kept her cool, letting him scurry out of her grip for now. Garrus, the new Turian team mate, assured her that he wouldn't be able to escape C-sec now, which did make her feel a little bit less foolish for his escape.

She would thank Garrus later. Now, she had to get to this Quarian. She was barely even thinking about the possible evidence that the alien possessed, and was more eager to help her. She shoved another young human man to the side. He had been shot in the shoulder, and was now scrambling desperately at her ankles. Garrus sent another bullet in his direction, hitting him straight between the eyes. The sight made Shepard shudder slightly. Garrus put justice before sympathy. It was impressive, but unnerving.

Twisting around another corner, Shepard finally set eyes on the Quarian. Wearing a suit of purple, the girl was stood awkwardly, the hands of a perverted Turian roaming over her unwilling body. People like him made Shepard sick. Shoot first, ask questions later. A mantra Shepard personally hated, but it did come in useful.

Explosions and bullets whirred around the camera, obscuring most of Joker and Kaidan's view. Shepard yelled out in pain, but didn't stop her attacks. Her injured shoulder made movement hard, but she still had one arm. She wouldn't let herself lose. Joker admired it, in a way. Kaidan breathed out in relief when the smoke cleared to show that Shepard had, indeed, saved the Quarian girl. And the girl even had evidence. Bonus!

"Only Dash could go out to talk to the council and come back with alien squad mates and evidence that would have probably taken months to track down all in one day." Joker noted the use of Shepard's first name. Suspicious. Shepard took the evidence straight to Anderson and Udina. Even Shepard looked a little smug at the look on Udina's face when he heard the recording of Saren basically digging himself an never-ending hole of suffering. Joker had to resist the urge to cheer when the council finally listened to the evidence. The squeal of joy from Shepard was worth it. It was one of the first times she had actually showed an emotion other than anger whilst on this mission. She even high-fived the Turian in a moment of uncontrollable joy. He seemed perplexed, but complied with the gesture nonetheless. Now that was just painfully cute.

"I'm still finding it hard to believe that she's as ruthless as everyone thinks. I mean, that...that was just cute. Now imagine a buff, scary army guy doing the same thing. Not cute any more." Joker had tried desperately to not make it sound like he had some kind of school boy crush on the Commander. He had failed. Amazingly. And Kaidan's confused silence just confirmed that. Stupid, stupid Joker and his stupid-awesome speech issue-isms. Yeah. His grammar were good. He rested his chin on his hand, purposely looking away from Kaidan. He was forcing himself to look like that was a completely normal comment for him. Which it actually kind of was. As I said, well grammar teachings-ness.

"Well...she does have her cute moments. If it were her choice, everyone would probably just be at peace with each other. I mean, I swear she gets on better with aliens than humans. Bet she hates killing them all the damn time." Kaidan did have a point, it was like Shepard suddenly got a lot more talkative around foreign species. She was with the Turian and Quarian right now, and she was chattering like she had only just regained her voice after a long period of laryngitis. That was an odd simile. Somehow it made sense in Joker's funny little capped head.

"Damn. Bet no one would ever believe us if we mentioned this. I mean, people probably think she's freakin' kicking the leathery asses of the council right now. Nope. She's actually being polite." Shepard would forever be stuck with her reputation. No one would ever feel entirely safe around her, and Joker really did feel for her.

Shepard hated meetings with the council. Why she was forced to attend, she never would know. They made her feel small. A speck of dirt upon their shoes. Under their gaze she hung her head, almost too scared to look up at them. Anderson sent her an encouraging glance, urging her onwards to present the evidence she had received from Tali, the Quarian girl. It had been worth it, of course. Their looks of disbelief...she couldn't hold herself back from high-fiving her new Turian companion. He was just lucky she hadn't embraced him. She would, of course, feel awkward about that action later, but for now she could revel in her pride. It didn't happen often, she would just bask in it for now.

"Saren will be stripped of his spectre status, and shall be hunted down to pay for his crimes." A sigh of relief was released and Shepard let her shoulders slump. Finally, something was going to be done about Saren. How they didn't suspect him of something sinister, she would never understand. His eyes were glowing. Glowing. The council was clearly biased, as much as Shepard hated to admit it.

"Shepard can do it! You wouldn't have to commit any of your men, and Shepard knows what to do here. She's an expert." And then Udina decided to ruin Shepard's little happy moment by opening his mouth. She almost felt her blood turn to ice. Her. Spectre. Saren. ? Internal panic overload.

Uh oh. Kaidan's jaw practically slammed against the floor. Udina, the little bastard! He was going to pressure the council into making Shepard into a Spectre. How would she react to that! Suddenly everyone in the galaxy would be speaking about her, gossiping about the first human Spectre...but she would also not be held down by any laws. Would she freak out? Or be happy? Joker genuinely didn't know.

"No! A human is not ready for the responsibilities of being a Spectre!" YES! Shepard suddenly loved the Turian councillor. A lot. And wanted to punch Udina. A lot. Then again, she wanted to do that anyway. Anderson looked about ready to sock him one, too. That little vein on his forehead was bulging like it always did when he was mad.

"No other man will take this mission. Shepard was a witness, she used the beacon. She is the only one who can do this." And there was Udina again. The Turian looked about ready to retort again, but the Asari stopped him. Much to Shepard's dread. She knew where this was going. She was going to become a Spectre.

Buggerfuckingweaseldicks.