You are stunned into silence. Whatever you had been expected wasn't this. Rainbow drinkers were myths, but here she was. And you had done this to her. Her skin alone would have been enough, but she showed you her fangs as well. That's what brought it home, made what she was real to you. You don't move as she clings to you and presses into your neck. Then she stops and pulls away. She sounds so wrong like that. You reach out and pull her back against you, settling her into you lap so that she could reach your neck or cry against you. There's more pity here for her than you could ever remember wanting to feel - or ever feeling.
KaNaYa, YoU'rE nO mOnStEr. YoU'rE sTiLl KaNaYa MaRyAm, My LeAdEr AnD tRoLl I rEsPeCt.
You offer comfort and shelter to weather the storm of her emotions. You don't even hesitate. What you said was spoken in a tone that was deadly serious. You know that it's important that she hear it, that she believe it. You offer the one thing she won't take from you by force, though she could.
It'S oKaY iF yOu WaNt To BiTe Me. I'm NoT sUrE hOw ThIs BlOoD dRiNkInG tHiNg WoRkS, bUt I'm HeRe If YoU nEeD m- It.
You grit your teeth and let out a sob as the tears come unbidden, try as you might to hold them back. When he pulls you back into his lap, you don't resist, and without thinking, you're clutching at him like he's the last thing you have to hold onto. Your display is shameful, you know that, and it sends a quick jolt of self-loathing through you before you're once again just swept up in the raw emotion of it. This was one person that never looked upon you with anger or disgust, and even now that he'd learned what it was you'd become, he still treated you as if you were as fragile as glass. Which, if you were being truthful with yourself, you really were at this moment. His words were so kind, that ordinarily, you would not have believed they were true. But hearing the utter conviction in his voice changed that.
"I'm Sorry… I'm So Sorry…" Sorry for not telling him sooner. Sorry for becoming this damned creature in the first place. Sorry for feeling the aching need to steal from him what you needed to survive. Sorry for being so weak. Sorry for showing such weakness. There were so many things you had to apologize for, so which one did you mean? You weren't even sure you know.
Until he said that. Did he even realize what he was offering?
You reach up and let your hands rest on his shoulders, searching his gaze seriously.
You were starting to think that she hadn't heard you. You had just said what you meant, but maybe she mistook it and was searching for a way to get out of it? You just held her while she cried and apologized, and just let it all out in general. You'd never seen your strong leader break down like this, and it terrified you even as it filled you with pity - and wonder. Wonder at the fact that she allowed you the liberty to comfort her in this moment of weakness. That she still trusted you this much even after you killed her. You look her dead in the eyes as her hands rested on your shoulders. The look that passed between you two was more intense and serious than even the one that you had shared as you killed her. You try to tell her without words that you meant everything you said, that you accepted her as she was - accepted what she needed. You don't trust your voice with something this important - you'd only screw it up like you always did. So you meet her eyes and pray that she can understand you - that she can find what it is she's searching for.
You have to physically tear yourself away from his gaze, from his eyes that saw too much and knew too much and said everything without really saying anything at all. There is, in fact, a lot of not-saying between the two of you. Opened eyes and understanding fingertips resting upon tensed shoulder blades. It was frightening you, how your carefully constructed calm and controlled exterior was being shattered without even a pause for thought. You feel a sort of loathsome pity for the wretched thing that hid behind the broken pieces of your shell, but now you had no way of hiding it even if you wanted to.
Kanaya Maryam may not be a monster in the eyes of her friend, but she is weak. She is a coward. You are a coward. You can't help wanting to hold onto him, wanting to be taken care of for once in your detestable life, and the thing was, he would provide that without a second thought. It's just how your Gamzee was, and how he'd been since you've known him, even past the instability and the calling of a "Subjuggulator" Offering his blood and his comfort to someone who certainly didn't deserve it, it was both surprising and completely typical of him.
"You Really Have Been Alone For Far Too Long." You observe, finally breaking the silence that loomed above your heads. "I Think You've Gone Mad, Playing The Sole Comforter Of A Rainbow-Drinker."
In truth, it wasn't just him at all. Sometimes when you were all alone in your home, you knew, just knew somehow, that there will never be anything better than this existence you had going for you, and it was a pity so deeply intense and resonant that it seemed to encompass everything, it expands out and touched the edges of the sky and the lonely moon and somehow, in some way, it touched you too. You didn't know it was possible to pity oneself. You're slowly realizing it, that you never knew anything at all, so you make it up as you go along and don't bother pretending it matters if you get it right or not.
You're afraid that she's rejecting your offer outright when she pulls away from the gaze. Then she speaks, and you can't help but smile. She was right, far more so than she'd ever guess. You were no saner now than you were when you killed her and the others, than when you first came off the sopor - you're just more in control now. You pull her in for a hug and kiss the top of her head.
YoU hAvE nO iDeA, bUt WhAt I sAiD sTiLl HoLdS. i'M vErY sErIoUs AbOuT tHiS.
You're grateful for her presence, regardless of what capacity you stand in her regard. You're also grateful that those hateful, haunting voices are so quiet for once. You can focus on helping Kanaya without having to fight yourself every step of the way. You don't know what's going on in her mind, but you know that you want to be there for her. You respect her - such a rare thing - as much as you pity her. You pity her for what she's become, what she was, what she will be, and what you'd done to her. But you don't let that show; it's too intense for what was happening, and you don't really understand it yourself.
Something about his embrace, his little kiss, his words, and all the comfort he brings stirs something in you, a certain feeling of contentment. It was a genuine spark of simple happiness from being near him. But were these feelings leaning toward simple friendship, in a completely platonic way, or were they growing more and more flushed...? You didn't even want to examine that part of your emotions right now, not just yet. Even though you thought you'd long buried the instinct, old habits died hard. You don't know exactly what he's been through in the time that he was alone for so long, but you get the feeling that whatever it was must have been destroying him, even before the start of that blasted game. And despite all of it, he was still doing all he could to keep you safe from any self-destructive thoughts. You don't want to completely refuse the help he offered, and yet... The thought of taking advantage of his kindness just to suit yourself made you sick. So instead, you return his embrace, holding him closer and resting your cheek on his shoulder. Without thinking, your lips brush against the skin of his neck with a feather-light touch, and you can just barely catch the scent of him again, before you jolt back with a healthy dose of surprise, breaking his hold on you. Your hand goes to your mouth as you stammer an apology.
"Forgive Me, I'm Really... So Sorry About That."
You're almost sure that she'll take you up on your offer, at least partially. She's holding onto you again, and she even has her face against your neck again, but then she practically jumps out of your arms and away from you. Then she apologizes, of all things. You're not sure what she's thinking - no even remote guesses.
KaNaYa, ChIlL. wE'rE sTiLl CoOl. YoUr WeAk StAtE, iS iT bEcAuSe YoU nEeD bLoOd?
You're more than willing to let her bite you, or open a vein for her - or whatever it is she needed to become strong and comfortable again. You have the feeling that she'll continue to be horrified by what she is, so all you can do is accept her - and help her as much as she'll allow.
You have suddenly become very interested in the state of your fingernails, not replying right away. As much as you were loathe to admit it, he was spot on, and it was like a stinging blow to the ego. You bring a hand to your lips and bite down on your index finger, drawing a small amount of blood.
The thought brings back a rather mundane memory of your first few days after arriving on this planet. The landscape was strange, and you had to give your own names to the plants and animals that inhabited it, until you picked up enough on the English language to find them for yourself. There was one plant that you had never seen before, but that you had adored looking at. Its petals were a creamy pink color, swirling in on themselves to create its shape. You knelt down and reached to pick it up before drawing back in an instant with a wounded hand for your trouble. A drop of dark green blood fell onto one of its petals, and it gave you quite a shock. When you had examined it more closely, you found thorns on its stem, ready to cause pain to anything that wasn't careful enough (yourself included.) You marveled at such a pretty, dainty-looking thing having such defenses to protect itself. You gave it a name in Alternian, meaning "Warrior" and it was quite some time before you found its name in English; a rose. Though you didn't let go of your original nickname of it, you thought the real name of it was still quite a good one.
It takes you a moment to realize that you've been lost in your own head. When you finally do look up to him, you hold out your hand for inspection.
"Even If I Need Such A Thing As Blood, I Would Rather Stay Weak Than Use You To Keep Myself Strong."
You watch her curiously. She draws her own blood, but then she seems to just drift. You wonder where her mind has gone, for her to get that distance look in her eyes. You move closer, not that she notices. Once she returns from where ever she had just gone in her head, she holds out her hand to you. You cradle it gently and lick away the blood she'd drawn. Normally you stay away from blood in your saner moments, but this felt right to you. Despite the fact that she was still fighting against you.
I'vE tAkEn YoUr BlOoD. YoU mUsT dO tHe SaMe Or Be A bAd GuEsT.
You're not sure this ploy will work. If it doesn't then you'll have to come up with something else. You would wear her down and win eventually. You're not bothered in the slightest that the prize you were fighting for was giving her your blood. She needed it, and you didn't want to see her so weak. It was perfectly logical to you.
Somehow, when he takes your hand in his and licks the jade green blood away just like that, you didn't expect any other reaction. It was as if you were both playing your parts in a script, a comedic tragedy orchestrated by paradox space to get every sappy cliche under the guise of romance out into the open. It was just that it didn't feel like a cliche. It simply felt like the most natural thing to happen, and you were glad for it. His words of courtesy draw your lips into an exasperated smile. He really was persistent, wasn't he...? Alright then. You'd bite (so to speak.)
You draw your hand back, but only for just a moment before placing it under his chin and tilting his head up. You move until you're nearly in his lap again, keeping one hand under his chin and the other resting on his shoulder. You lean in close and can almost hear the beat of a pulse beneath his skin. Your lips brush along his neck and his jaw until they rest very close to his ear. You keep your voice to an almost inaudible whisper.
"Consider Me An Excellent Guest Then."
Without waiting for a reply, your grip on him tightens just a bit as you open your jaws wide and bite down into the skin that gave you what you needed.