Your name is John Egbert, you are twenty-nine years old, and something is very, very wrong.
Well, maybe not quite to such a severe extent, you guess - really, it's very hard for you to balance what exact severity level your situation is, but it's somewhere between the crossroads of 'wow this is a little awkward' and 'i am the worst person to exist'.
Your name is John Egbert, and you are falling in love with your best friend, while you're married, with a daughter.
The moment the prospect of it hit you, you felt you had to talk to Rose instantly - after all, she's your go-to on matters of the heart, and she always has been, but the last time you discussed your crush with her, it didn't quite… go so well. And even without that you feel horrible about the whole ordeal, so you decide that going against that would probably be for the better.
— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 23:27 —
EB: hey jade!
GG; oh hey john! :D
GG: whats up? heehee!
EB: i was hoping you could talk something out with me! and maybe give me some advice, i don't know.
GG: oh yeah, of course! are you sure dont want to ask rose though? shes better at this sort of thing! :(
EB: no it's fine! i wanna hear what you think about it.
GG: ok then! shoot!
EB: well so you've heard about the molly thing recently, right?
GG: you mean getting back together?
EB: yeah.
GG: then yes i have!
EB: ok good! but uh, there's sort of a problem…
GG: uh-huh?
EB: well, i still love her a lot, like, a lot a lot. but something about what happened and my time away from her made me feel like… i don't know, i just don't feel as happy about it anymore.
GG: happy about what exactly?
EB: i don't know. being with her i guess?
EB: i mean i was really really happy when we worked things out.
EB: but i guess not as happy as i thought i'd be?
GG: oh no! :(
EB: yeah. i guess i learned how to be on my own, and even though i still love her a ton, it's not the same…
GG: mhm. :((
GG: oh also! does she still not believe you?
EB: she says she does, but i know when she's lying. i mean i guess it's good she doesn't really think i'm crazy, and i know it's a lot to swallow.
EB: but it still upsets me? so there's that too.
GG: oh john. :( i cant say i blame you for any of this one little bit!
GG: but its really not simple either… oh gosh what do you want to do?
EB: i don't know, hehe… i guess it doesn't help either that i think i might have started crushing on someone else while we were apart.
GG: you did? who! :O
EB: do you promise not to tell anyone?
GG: of course!
EB: not a single soul?
GG: my lips are zipped tight! zip zip zip!
EB: it's dave.
GG: …oh my god. :(
EB: i know.
GG: no, thats not it.
GG: oh jeez uh, didnt he tell you he liked you a while back?
EB: yeah… but even if there weren't literally A MILLION REASONS to not do that, do you really think he still does?
GG: do you?
EB: …yeah.
EB: i mean he treats me like he always has, but i guess he always has been?
GG: yeah…
GG: i just dont know john. im not really good at this so maybe you should ask rose too? :( but i think you should just think a lot, a lot a lot a lot a lot and then a lot more, and then do what makes you happy.
EB: but what if i hurt someone? and not just anyone, they're both people i care a lot about.
GG: i feel like no matter what someone is gonna end up sad. but let the sad person be sad because youre happy without them, and not because youre sad but could be happy with them. the second one would hurt me more, i think.
GG: did that make sense?
EB: yeah! a lot, actually.
EB: i still need to think more, but i think i know where to start now. thanks jade!
GG: of course!
GG: keep me posted please? :)
And you have been thinking a lot. You've been trying to salvage everything you can with the one you love so much, and have for so long. You've brought yourself closer to her, in all forms of intimacy, trying to be near and do all the dumb things that used to make you laugh and your heart swell. But it just isn't the same, and that terrifies you. You ache and you have spent nights sleepless over this, never having thought you'd be anywhere near falling out of love - that it just wasn't something that could happen to you. Is that what's going on here? The prospect of that almost hurts you even more, your teeth digging into your lower lip in guilt, in fear, and in the strangest form of heartbreak. She's still wonderful, she's still beautiful, she's still your Molly, but she doesn't seem to have the same place in your heart anymore, and it feels like there's nothing more you can do.
Why does that almost feel like a relief to you?
Yet, here you are, on this trip and still trying to maybe make things work with her, staying in the home of a man who is far more tangled in this mess than he deserves. You've thought endlessly over what happened those few years ago, before Casey was even around - about what he said and what he probably didn't say, about those fourteen years he said, about how you honestly still cannot even fathom it. About how it makes your heart race a little. And about how you feel like no matter which way you go, you'll be breaking someone.
Yeah, this definitely counts as very, very wrong.