Your name is Dave Strider, you are thirty-one years old, and your head is spinning.
You suppose you're able to breathe now, but that doesn't really matter with the way the world has contorted before you. The crackers on the shelf and the scattered papers on the floor and the alcohol stains in your once-new carpet are all blurry and you can't make sense of it all. Concepts that once defined how you lived are being challenged, concepts you've never thought could be broken and at once always prayed they would. And you can't even tell if you're happy or fucking terrified. You guess it's a mix of both - you've always been the king of mixed feelings.
But even with the thought in mind of "going and getting him, tiger" (that thought that crumbles your mindset and shatters the clockwork you've worked so hard to line up), you have no idea where to even begin. It's more than just a kiss and a charming smirk (could you even pull those off this late in the game?), it's a tragic waltz surrounded by dominoes, and you have to lead your feet to not knock down a single one. Yet you know no matter what, at least one or two have to fall. But which one knocks down hundreds behind it?
You think that maybe texting John is a thing you should do.
— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] —
TG: hey
EB: dave!
EB: hey!
TG: yeah hows it goin
You aren't even sure what to do here. It's been months since you IM'd him, texted him, anything - and you've only just now unblocked him. You were afraid maybe he'd've blocked you too, just because that's something you would've done if someone blocked you out of frustration, but then you remember this is John and he'd never do that.
EB: it's good! i'm good!
EB: how've you been?
TG: im alright bout the same as when you called
EB: good! hehe.
TG: you been ok
TG: i havent drowned from your tears of missing me yet so i assume you have been
And even though you know for a fact he's missed you, you still grit your teeth and worry a little as you type that, somehow worrying as you picture him laughing away with his family, and you've been laughing alone with deleted texts and photos hung on the wall.
EB: hehe! ive been ok.
EB: i've missed you a lot though, actually.
EB: what changed your mind on texting me…?
And you didn't want to confront it this soon - you wanted to laugh and to joke like you used to. But you guess you've surrounded yourself with these dominoes, and it's time to take a step.
TG: this isnt working
EB: what?
EB: what isn't?
TG: this whole avoiding the shit out of you thing
EB: yeah, it's not working for me either…
TG: i mean i could handle it
TG: maybe
TG: if it were actually doing what it was fucking supposed to
EB: and what was that?
TG: make you get over me
EB: oh.
TG: rose told me
EB: what! that's not like her!
TG: yeah i know it was weird
TG: but we can talk about how rose is a shitty therapist and letting her age get to her later
EB: ok…
TG: but what are we gonna do about this
TG: i did what i thought worked but oh look another foul
EB: what?
TG: doesnt matter
EB: uh, ok.
TG: i repeat private egbert
TG: what are we gonna do about this
And you have no idea which direction this is stepping you - all your analytic decisions have fallen behind you, ashes in the wind. You can tell if your stomach is filled with fear or excitement, but either way it's making you sick.
EB: i… don't know…
TG: how long do you think its gonna last
EB: what?
TG: dont make me say it dude come on
EB: do you mean me liking you?
He hesitated before typing that (or sending it), and you can see why, because you've been sitting on this for decades and there's a frog in your throat. You wonder what wrapping his mind around it must be like for him.
TG: yeah
TG: pretty much that
EB: uh, i don't know i guess.
TG: cause ive been at this for a long fucking time now so my shits not going away
TG: we know that everyone knows that even fucking dr phil knows it
TG: not even a hey dave maybe you should move on and stop letting this anguish overtake you
TG: nope just a hey yeah sure sucks doesnt it youre stuck with him aint love tragic
TG: but i didnt sit here like this for years to tear you from something you spent your whole life building up and dreaming of
TG: so i want to know whats gonna make you happy and stop tearing you to pieces i dont want this to do that to you god dammit
He doesn't respond for a long time after that, and you're frozen, not sure what else to do or if you should send something else, or see if there's some way to hack the program and delete all your messages. You've said too much, you're sure of it, but one by one your gates are breaking loose.
EB: i don't want to make any decisions right now and. dave i'm really really sorry about doing this to you this long i can't… believe how fucked up this is.
EB: and i just want to give you a straight answer on what to do but, i really… don't know.
TG: yeah its kind of a mess aint it
EB: yeah.
EB: but i. i don't know if it's gonna go away, i really don't.
EB: can you wait with me just a little longer…?
EB: god i'm the worst i'm so sorry.
TG: nah its kay
TG: ive waited this long havent i
EB: yeah…
Then you finally make it to the laughter and the jokes, and you're able to smile, but your head won't stop spinning, it won't stop spinning.