Jasmine P.O.V

I sat nervously in the small cafe as I waited for Sinead and Tilly, who had texted me last night to check it was okay for her to come, to arrive. I wondered how Tilly and I's friendship would work now I was back as Jasmine - our whole relationship had been built on the mutual feeling of being different - she was a lesbian and I wanted to be a boy. George sometimes included himself in this group, too, but I was always closer to Tilly, she was far more sensitive.

But now, with me as a girl, would we still have anything in common? I hoped so, after Anita moved away I'd been left with only Seth and Bart - the Bart situation was a tricky one, Seth was my brother, and even then he thought I was a freak, posting about his freak sister who wanted to be a boy online for a while. Obviously he'd since apologised many times for his behaviour after my coming out, if you could call it that, but I'd still felt alone. Tilly was a breath of fresh air - no mixed feelings, love or relation - just friendship.

I'd made friends out here easily enough, after a day skating with a guy called Craig I met his sister Kayleigh, who became a close friend even if she would probably never understand how I could prefer sports to shopping. At school I hung around with her and her group of friends, which was how I met Mark. I could have a bit of fun with them, and I could properly trust a few of the girls, but I was constantly pretending around them. Sinead and Tilly knew all about me, and the thought of being exposed emotionally scared me. Ever since saying goodbye to Bart, Seth and Riley and leaving for America, I'd completly closed myself up. I'd only lived in Hollyoaks village for just over a year and had let myself get hurt so many times that I was now terrified of getting close to people. Getting close is when you get hurt.

"Daydreaming?" Tilly grinned as she sat down beside me. I returned the smile. Tilly's constantly sunny attitude was infectious.

"A smile? Is that all I get Jase-Jasmine? It's been a hell of a long time no see!"

We stood up and hugged, to my suprise Sinead hugged me too.

"I told you she was seriously pretty as a girl", Sinead told her. "I'm well jel".

Her cool attitude to the whole situation was continuing to suprise and impress me. She seemed to read my thoughts.

"Well I've had time for it to sink in now", she shrugged. "Trust me, I haven't been this calm about it all the time".

"She most definatly hasn't", Tilly agreed. "Now, what's everyone going to have to eat? Have you already ordered Jasmine?"

"I thought I'd wait for you". While waiting for them, ordering food hadn't actually crossed my mind once. I'd been too focused on Bart, Seth, Riley, Mitzee, the pub - my whole life back home, and the plane ticket to London Heathrow in my bedroom ready for use tomorrow.

"Okay, well lunch is on me".

"Tilly you can't pay for all of us. This is California - it's over priced as hell", I informed her.

"I'm not taking no for an answer", she replied, holding up the menu. "What the hell's a PBJ sandwich?"

"Peanut butter jelly sandwich", Sinead laughed. "Jelly as in jam. Have you never watched family guy?"

"Isn't that more of a guy's show?" Tilly asked.

"Bart likes it", Sinead shrugged.

He certainly did. I knew exactly what episode Sinead was referring to with the peanut butter jelly remark, he must have made me watch it at least a hundred times, but it didn't matter because I found it just as hillarious as he did. I decided not to mention that.

The food didn't come until about twenty minutes after we'd ordered it, by which point Sinead had nearly gotten us kicked out three times with her impatience, Tilly had lectured her about niceness five times and I'd thought of Bart countless times.

"So", Tilly turned to me, "Your Jasmine for good now then?"

"Yeah, definatly".

"What made you change your mind?"

Sinead turned to me as Tilly spoke, clearly intregued to know the answer herself. I sighed.

"A combination of lots of things. But the main reason, I don't know for certain, I just know that, very gradually, I started to become more confident in the body I'm in". I didn't really want to talk about it, and the answer seemed to satisfy them so I tried to move on swiftly.

"How's Seth?"

"Don't you still speak to him?" Sinead look genuinly taken aback. "You're twins, I thought you two were so close".

"We were. We are. But it's difficult now. I'm in America with Dad, who he hates, as Jasmine, the sister he hasn't seen in two years, who he can't tell any-one about".

"Any-one?" That was Tilly.

"I haven't even told Riley yet".

"Shit. You need to tell him".

"I know Tills, but I want to do it face-to-face, you know? News this big hardly seems appropriate to share online or on the phone".

"What about skype?" Sinead asked.

"On video chat?" I laughed. "Well at least I wouldn't have to think of how to word it. He'd see straight away, if he didn't get a heart attack from the shock I guess it could work, but I'd rather do it in person".

"So is he coming out here?" Sinead was starting to sound concerned now, for herself as much as me.

"I'm going to see him. At home". I wasn't planning on telling them but thinking about it now, they deserved to know. Mainly Sinead. She took a moment before replying.

"Are you ... are you going to visit Bart too?"

This was the same question I'd be asking myself constantly since my decision to go back to Hollyoaks.

"I don't know", I told her honestly. She nodded slowly, looking down at her food, spinning her fork around her plate although she wasn't actually picking up any food with it.

"Are you coming back for good or just visiting?" Tilly asked.

"I don't know that either. Not for sure. I'm planning on coming back here afterwards, but I might change my mind once I'm there".

Tilly nodded and reached her hand out to Sinead.

"If Jasmine goes home, and stays home, she's going to run into him sooner or later, whether she visits him or not".

"I know", Sinead's voice was yet again almost a whisper. She turned away from her food to face me again. "Can you give me some time with him first? To prepare him, and to ... to enjoy what might be the last time we're a couple".

"Why are you being nice to me Sinead? You just said yourself I could cause the end of your relationship".

"Honestly?" She replied. "I have no idea. I love Bart. So, so much. You know what that's like". I nodded. "I just want him to be happy. More than anything, I want him to be happy with me. But if me and Bart have still got even the slightest chance of surviving this, he needs to know about you. The rest isn't your fault. It's up to him".

"You know no-one's even asked Jasmine if she wants to get back with Bart yet", Tilly reasoned.

"I don't know. I mean, so much has happened. I don't know if it could ever be the same. He's probably happier with you Sinead".

"Oh please. He's happier with me than he would be Jason or Maddie. But when it comes to Jasmine. He'd literally kill to have you back. He'd marry you tomorrow". She stabbed at her food angrily.

"When are you coming home?" Tilly made a desperate attempt to steer the conversation in a different, completly un-related to Bart, direction.

"Thursday".

"That soon?" Sinead looked pannicked. "Right. Well I guess I'll probably see you soon then. I've got to go and pack, our flight's tomorrow". She stood up. "Thanks for the meal Tilly, it was brill. I'll see you back at the hotel". She walked out.

"Well, under the circumstances, I actually think that went pretty well".

"I guess". Tilly was right. Considering everything, Sinead had reacted really well. I just hoped it wasn't only the calm before the storm.

I arrived home at around 10pm, after we finished our meal Tilly and I had headed down to the beach, then for a look around the shops, which I usually despised, however with Tilly it was actually fun, trying on the most hideous items for laughs and seeing how many shops we could get ourselves kicked out of, making sure to use a different technique each time.

I switched on the kitchen light as I slipped off my shoes to see Dad sitting at the table, a stern expression on his face.

"You've been sitting in the dark?"

"What time do you call this?"

"Dad, it's only ten - I'm seventeen".

"I didn't ask for your age, I asked why you seem to think it's acceptable to stay out this late".

"Would you give Seth this much hassle?"

"It's different for girls".

"Right so as soon as I go back to being Jasmine you go back to being completly over-protective?"

"You did say you wanted to go back to how it was before".

I rolled my eyes.

"I was fifteen then. Some things are going to be different".

"Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"

"Okay Dad your confusing me now. Either ground me for coming in late - which, by the way, would be completly unreasonable, or just let it go".

He shook his head.

"I was really hoping you'd be honest with me Jasmine".

"Dad, seriously, what are you on about?"

"Let's cut the crap, shall we? I found the plane ticket in your room. From here to London, booked for this Thursday".

Crap. I hadn't actually gotten around to telling him yet. What was happening to me? Not telling Riley about going back to Jasmine, not telling Dad about moving back to England? This year living with him, I'd almost turned into him, running away from everything.

"Yeah. I'm sorry Dad I should have told you".

"Damn right you should have told me. So come on, out with it, how long are you going for?"

"I don't know".

"You don't know? How can you not know? Did Seth put you up to this?"

"This has got nothing to do with Seth! He was right, you know, what he said to you before we left. You treat him like he's nothing, like he's the runt of the family. Is it so hard to believe that Seth didn't have to put me up to, I might just actually want to get away from you?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew the last bit was uncalled for. "I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean that, I don't want to get away from you - I just want to see Seth and Riley. They haven't seen me as Jasmine again yet. Riley doesn't even know".

Dad didn't say anything, just got up slowly and walked out of the room. I sighed and followed him upstairs, neither of us saying a word. I entered my room closing the door behind me, flung myself onto my bed and looked at my phone. To my suprise it was ringing - I hadn't realized it had been on silent. Through the large crack in the screen I could make out that Seth was calling, I picked up.

"Hey loser", I greeted him. "How's it going? I heard you're in Greece".

"Oh my God it is a girl!" A voice I vaguely recognized but definatly wasn't Seth's exclaimed. Normally a random comment from some-one on my brother's phone wouldn't have annoyed me massivley but the particular girl statement was a worry. Was it some-one Seth had told, calling to see if the rumour about his freakish sister was true?

"Give it here". I froze. This new voice I most definatly recognized. Bart McQueen. I'll never forget you, Bart McQueen. Those had been my last words to him. It was certainly true. Just the idea of him being at the other end of the line was enough to make my heart perform somersaults.

"Right - so yeah, this is Seth's mate Jonno. Are you, like, dating him? Or is he just sending you an unhealthy ammount of texts and calls for no reason?"

"Jonno stop being a twat. Give me the phone". Bart again. I secretly willed Jonno to pass the phone to Bart, the reason for this phonecall confused me somewhat but hearing Bart's voice just one more time - I needed to hear it more than anything.

"She's not saying anything".

"Well no bloody wonder Jonno, give me the phone I'll get her talking".

"And how do you reckon you're going to do that eh?"

"Cause I've got the charm mate". He had charm alright. I heard some movement, the Bart's voice was amplified and coming right at me.

"Okay so are you dating Seth?" Come on Bart, you can do better than that. You're sounding like a twat.

"Em, no, definatly not". I couldn't exactly say he's my brother you sicko as he clearly didn't know who it was and I'd promised Sinead I wouldn't make contact with him until I was home. I owed her at least that much. "Why?"

"Well because he's been texting and calling this number non-stop, not getting with any of the girls here, but hasn't named you on his contacts. We're his mates and we want to know what the hell's going on, if he's finally got a girlfriend".

"I doubt that will ever happen", I replied. Bart laughed slightly. God. He didn't know it was me - things like that are alright for a twin sister to say, not any other girl. He must have thought I was such a bitch.

"Right". I was clinging onto his every word. "Well I'm going to go now. Sorry about this".

"It's fine mate", I replied, trying to regain some respect. Mate. Talking to Bart was so confusing. I was trying not to talk to him as Jasmine, but I'd just ended up talking to him like Jason.

"Jase?" There was a tone of desperation in hs voice. Damn it. The voice and way of speak had finally screwed it up.

"No sorry, who's Jase?" I wasn't fully lying. I wasn't Jason. Well. That was a lie too. Just because I was living as the girl I truly was again, it didn't mean I could pretend all the things that happened over the year I was Jason didn't happen to me. I had still been the same person.

"Oh. Okay. Never mind. Bye then". Bart sounded really dissapointed, I'd almost go as far as to say crushed. I knew how much he'd wanted to keep in contact when I moved, how much he'd tried to hide his upset when I told him this was the last time we'd ever see, or speak to, each other. It was evident in his tone now that those feelings hadn't changed. I desperatly wanted to tell him it was me - not just Jason - Jasmine. But I couldn't. I'd made a promise to Sinead and I wasn't going to break it. I ended the call and lay back, staring up at the celing.

"I love you, Bart McQueen", I said to my mobile once I was sure he couldn't hear. It had been a long time since I'd allowed myself to admit that, even to myself. But it was like I'd told him that time in the cellar, as Jason - trying to stop loving him was like trying to stop breathing. And in just another three days, I'd be back in Chester. And as much as I tried to kid myself that the trip was for Riley's sake, he would not be the first person I was going to visit.