A/N Sorry for the long delay in updates, the internet was down for ages. For those asking, yes SleepWhenYouDie on FictionPress(dot)co(dot)uk is also me. xx
Sinead's P.O.V
"I mean, she's a freak", Maddie told me for the seventeenth time that morning as I ran my hands through my hair, looking at my reflection in the windows of Price Slice. "One visit from pyscho Grand-dad and every-one's forgotten everything she's done to you and its all Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine!"
"Oi", I scolded. "That was low. You know everything Silas did … it was pretty screwy. I'd hate for my family to be like that".
"Em, hello? Baby stealing, any-one? Oh and didn't your Dad and Diane get together when she was his student?" Maddie looked at me mockingly.
"Oh yeah, cheers for that", I snapped. Maddie and I both often dished out comments like this but not to each other. "What are mates for eh?"
"Look, I'm sorry babe", she apologized, taking my arm and linking it in hers as we started walking to college. "I shouldn't have said anything about your family. But I'm just so annoyed! How she thinks she can just waltz back into all of our lives like nothing's happened. It's not like we even hung out before – I didn't like her as Jason and I certainly don't like her as Jasmine". She said her name with such vengeance that it shocked even me - her best friend, slightly.
The day before Jasmine and Bart, love's young motherfucking dream, had started hanging around with all of us. Bart had still been mates with Neil and Jono anyway but had managed to avoid me, however now we were all expected to just accept him and Jas into our gang. And with the exception of myself and Maddie, everyone seemed okay with it. Happy about it, even.
"Promise me you won't cause any trouble", I told her. "The last thing I need is any more gossip surrounding me and Bart McQueen".
"She needs to pay for what she's done Sinead", Maddie insisted. "You can't let her get away with it".
"Oh and what are you going to do, eh? Put testosterone drugs in her locker again? Because that worked out so great the last time didn't it. You're lucky Bart's still speaking to you".
"Hey – who's side are you on here Sinead?" Maddie stopped walking and turned to face me.
"I'm on my side", I replied. "This fight you're making up – it's between me, Bart and Jaso - Jasmine. It's got nothing to do with you, so stop interfering. Jesus Christ Mads, the girl's just had the New Year from hell and you're planning to make it even worse".
Maddie rolled her eyes in response. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bart - on his own for a change, walking through the village centre.
"Catch you later babe", I smiled at Maddie, then walked away before she had a chance to stop me or see where I was going.
"Alright?" I asked as I approached Bart.
"Oh what do you care?" He shot back. Which was more than a bit unfair considering he was the one who got to be with the love of his life while all I got was the force of a Ford Fiat and a broken heart. I considered walking off right there, but I could see he was down about something and it felt as if there was some kind of magnetic field preventing me from leaving him. I knew the feeling all too well – love. Desperately trying to push it away, I made my way closer to him.
"I do actually", I told him. The pause was getting too long and I racked my brain to conjure up something to say that didn't involve a certain Costello. "How's Mitzeee?"
"I don't know". He shook his head. "She's still in intensive care".
"Still? It's been ages since New Year's".
"It's been a week Sinead". He smiled. "Always were a bit crap at keeping track of time".
Why did he have to do that? Refer to the past - to the fact that he knew me better than anyone else, so casually? Did he actually enjoy hammering away at my crumbling heart?
"But she's going to be okay yeah?" I asked eager to change the subject back to something I had no real emotional connection to.
"We think so", he replied. "We hope so anyway. Jas is at the hospital now". As if I cared where "Jas" was. The shortened use of her name made me feel sick. Shortened names are used for people you care about. And Bart wasn't supposed to care about Jasmine.
"And what about you?" I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "How are you handling things? You know, since Silas?"
If I knew the Costello's, they wouldn't be giving his feelings much consideration. And life was so hectic at the McQueen's; he was unlikely to be getting much attention there either. He rolled his eyes and looked up at the sky.
"How do you handle something like that?" He asked me.
"Do you want to talk? We could go and grab a coffee?"
I was regretting asking as soon as the question left my mouth. If he accepted the offer, I'd have to put myself through the torture of hanging out with him one-on-one in the knowledge that we'd never again be any more than just mates, and if he rejected me I'd just look desperate. I didn't know which was worse. I couldn't be seen as needy, like I couldn't survive without Bart McQueen. Even if that was how I did feel inside – there was no way I could let it show.
"Yeah, alright. Thanks". He smiled. I wished he'd stop doing that – that cheeky grin of his had always put an end to my strops. Cheered me up when I was feeling down. So many memories but what use were they now?
The walk to College Coffee seemed to last an eternity – walking alongside Bart, chatting casually – no charm, no hand-holding, no flirting, no him calling me "babe". But at the same time it was nice to just be with him – I hadn't talked to him in so long apart from conversations in my head where I made up his responses. How fucking desperate was I?
"I'll buy", I told him as he sat sprawled himself out over one of the large comfy sofa's that Tony hated us teenagers using. Apparently it looked better if the first thing you saw when walking in were professional-looking adults. As if any of the adults in Hollyoaks village looked professional in the slightest – one of the women my mate Ruby lived with – Nancy was it? Yeah, she liked to think she was the only business-woman in this place but in reality she wrote a minute column for the back pages of a scabby local paper that nobody used for anything other than lining their cat's litter bin.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yeah – well you look like you could do with a treat", I told him smiling.
"Alright well I'm not complaining – ta Sinead. Hot chocolate with whipped cream?"
Of course that was what he wanted. He always had that, every time he'd been in this place since it had opened.
"And I'll try and nick you one of the biccies they hand out with the coffee's", I added, knowing exactly how he liked it. Well I had dated him for two years. How long did he even go out with Jasmine for again? Oh yeah that's right – three months before she decided she was a he. And now they'd been back together for what … five months at the most? All five of which she'd spent having some kind of dilemma instead of focusing on how bloody lucky she was to have my Bart. I bet she wouldn't know to take the coffee biscuit.
"Aw thanks mate you're the best!" Bart exclaimed happily.
Mate. I stormed up to the counter.
"Two hot chocolates with whipped cream", I told Tony flatly without bothering to use my manners. I was too pissed off for that.
"Aw, for you and Bart is it?" Tony smirked. "I knew you'd get back together".
"Well you thought wrong then, didn't you – because I only brought him here to stop him stressing over him and Jasmine bloody Costello so much", I snapped.
"Oi", he scolded, smirking again in that irritable way of his. "Watch your language – I don't want this place getting a bad reputation".
"Well let's face it Tone – if it got a reputation at all it would be an improvement", I told him – I wasn't in the mood for his business-man crap today. Business man my arse – his last two major businesses – Il Gnosh and Look Sharpe had gone beyond screwed up. Il Gnosh had gone up in flames due to his idiotic brother – okay so Bart was also partly to blame for that one. Him and his fucking relationship with Jasmine. But Look Sharpe … Tony had let Cindy just waltz in there, change it completely (although admittedly I did prefer the name Cinergy), and claim it as hers. Just like I'd let Jasmine do with Bart.
"Alright, no need to get snappy with me", Tony smiled. I noticed he was all smiles with us teenagers lately – in the last year he'd tried to help us out a lot. I figured it was partly because Jono and Neil both worked for him and partly because he'd been dating Diane on and off for a while now and wanted to keep me sweet. "But if you two love each other", he told me. "You can work it out. I promise".
With that he slid two hot chocolate's across the counter towards me.
"Oh and no docking the biscuit stock Sinead – I've seen you do it".
"Thanks Tony", I replied – not about the biscuits obviously but for the hope he'd just given me about Bart. "I might just have to put a good word in for you with Mum".
I smiled at him cheekily then went over to sit with Bart, being careful not to screw up by being clumsy and spilling the drinks.
"So", I said as I pulled out my chair and sat down. "Spill".
"This isn't a piece of bloody gossip Sinead", he snapped.
"I never said it was Bart but you can either go around being all depressed about it or we can talk about it now, you get if off your chest, and then you can actually have some fun. When was the last time you had some of that eh?"
He didn't answer for quite a while so I continued.
"The Bart I knew would never let it get him down like this – not for this long".
Words I'd said what seemed like decades ago came flooding back to me.
"Jason – do you love him? …But you're a boy … You want him to be happy, don't you? Because I can make him happy. And all you're going to do is bring him pain and misery, and I'm sorry but it's true".
At the time, I'd been referring to Jasmine's need to be a boy being the cause of the pain and misery but now I started to wonder if it was just Jasmine herself. Sure, Bart had called me a drama queen but what dramatics had our relationship actually consisted of? Nothing that wasn't caused by either Jasmine or even worse, Jason.
"Yeah I know Sinead", he sighed. "But how can I act happy when everyone else is so bloody miserable? If Jas is still all upset, then … well I should be too".
I was starting to consider just taking him to a club or something right then and there to get him to snap the hell out of it but decided he might actually need to get it all out of his system first.
"You know, I went downstairs in the middle of the night last night, to get something to eat", he told me. "And when I got to the stairs I could hear our Jacq and Mercy talking. I knew it must be pretty serious if Jacqui was here and not with Rhys". I nodded. "It seemed like Merc just wanted some-one to talk to – she was still proper shaken over the whole Silas thing. She doesn't let it show – even I thought she was okay – but she's not. She's terrified he's going to come after her".
"She's not the only one", I agreed. "Declan's round our place a lot, hanging out with Finn". Bart looked confused. "You know – Declan Brady". Still confused. "Brendan's son?"
"Oh right – yeah I think I know who you mean. Him and Finn are mates then?"
"Yeah – well Finn had to get some sometime", I joked. Bart laughed along with me – seeming genuinely happy for a moment. Finn had always had friends but I still liked to use my little brother as the butt of the joke at times and Bart knew this. I wondered if Jasmine had made him laugh at all since New Year's.
"Anyway", I continued, "I've heard him talking – saying that Lynsey's pretty scared too, just doesn't want to admit it. And me and Mads managed to get served in the SU Bar the other day – she got us fake ID's – and we overheard Texas Longford talking about him, too".
"Shit", Bart replied. "The old guy's really got some effect. Jono mentioned something about Nancy being a little worried too".
"Ruby never told me that", I replied moodily – annoyed that the girl who reckoned she was still my best friend hadn't bothered to mention it. Then again I rarely made time to talk to her one-on-one. Not the point.
"I really want to find the guy", Bart told me, sounding angry. "And if possible, I want to kill him. For what he's done to Jas – to our Mercy. No-one messes with my family and gets away with it yeah?"
I knew he was serious – if there was one good thing you could say about the McQueen's – and let's face it there probably was only one good thing – it was that they were loyal. Okay, so maybe you had to give or take an affair or two but when it came down to it they'd kill or even give their lives to save one another.
"But Jas – she doesn't want me going after him – even talking about him badly. Even after everything he did. She'd kill me if I went after him – not literally but she'd definatly dump me". He sighed. "And I can't lose her again Sinead".
I sighed too, hardly believing what I was about to get myself into.
"I'll help you", I told him. "I'll try and help you find Silas without Jasmine finding out".
"Are you for real?" He asked me after a long pause.
"Believe it or not I do actually care about you, and I do also actually care about your family. For the last year I was pretty much considered one of them, remember?"
He nodded slowly.
"And this isn't just some plan to get back at Jas, yeah?"
I took a moment to try and compress my anger before slowly standing up.
"You know what?" I asked him, doing my best to keep my voice at its usual level. "If that's really how little you think of me you can take your-"
Bart stood up to interrupt me just as I was about to pour his drink over him.
"Look I'm sorry alright? I trust you".
"You sure about that?" I challenged.
"Yeah – look are you serious about helping or not?"
"Yeah I'm serious", I sighed.
"Okay – well I was thinking, there was one person we could go to for help".
"Oh yeah – who?" I was dreading his answer.
"Isn't it obvious?" He replied. "Brendan Brady".