A/N thanks for having stayed with me until now :) and your lovely reviews.

This chapter did not really turned out the way I wanted it to be but that's just my humble opinion. Thanks to Maple Fay for having a look at the first paragraphs and telling me that I did not screw it up. 3

Chapter FOUR

"I have worked here for almost twenty years now, Mr. Carson." She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked down at her hands. The skin was wrinkled now, not as smooth as it had once been when she was younger. Her palms were still soft and would have looked different now, full of calluses, had she decided to become a farmer's wife twenty years ago. But she had not, and although it had been difficult to get used to her new life in the beginning, she had no regrets.

"When I came here I had left behind everything I knew, everything I thought I was." She allowed herself to look into his eyes, longer than she usually did. He had to understand why she was so upset, although he probably would anyhow. Because he knew her, was able to sense it when something was bothering her, when something wasn't right.

"It was not an easy decision for me to leave my home. But I had to in order to advance in life." He nodded sympathetically.

"And now you got some bad news from your family, I presume?" Their gazes were still locked, which usually made her feel uneasy, because she was never sure how long she could suppress the emotions that started to surface. Though today she found it somehow relaxing, to look at him so intensely.

He blinked and smiled briefly to encourage her to go on and to end the silence. Elsie breathed a sigh and reached out to grab the envelope from her bureau. She held it in her hands for a moment, considered her next words. "This letter arrived today. It is from my brother in law." A wet spot appeared on the cream coloured piece of paper and she realized that she was crying silently again. But instead of turning away from him, she just closed her eyes and tried to blink back the tears.

Then she suddenly felt his hand on her shoulder, how it carefully touched her and then slowly moved down her arm until it rested on her hand. They never had physical contact like this before. Sure their hands had brushed from time to time accidentally and he had offered her his arm when they walked to church on Sundays but comforting her like this was something new. She kept her eyes closed and hoped that he would not take his hand away.

ooooo

She sat down one morning to finally write a letter to her sister. Four weeks had passed since she had left Scotland and so much had happened in between. The housekeeper who had welcomed her rather unfriendly on her first day had turned out to be in fact a very nice woman, strict but fair, caring but not overly emotional. Her only problem was, as Elsie had suspected, her eyesight. Therefore Mr. Carson took care of everything that had to do with writing, reading and accounting. He made sure that the ledgers were in order, and occasionally had a look at the linen book and the Rota to avoid any mistakes. He covered up for her as best as possible and somehow Elsie felt sorry for both of them.

It was her first half day off today and she had gotten up early to make the most of it. Some of the other housemaids went down to the village but she had stayed in her room to write that letter and to have time to think about what had happened since she had arrived at Downton. The sheet of paper in front of her was still empty though. She stared at it for five minutes now but could not settle her thoughts, could not find a way to express what was on her mind and how much of it she should tell her sister. She looked around the room and out of the window. It was a sunny day in late spring. A gentle breeze that smelled of wild flowers and freshly mowed grass filled her room. She should be out there and enjoy the sun.

At last she made an effort and her pen scratched across the plain paper, writing down her sister's name and a first sentence with an apology. Then she hesitated again, tried to find a way how to begin. Should she tell Anne about him or shouldn't she? Elsie took the small ivory elephant in her hands and let her fingers touch the cold and smooth surface. It had always calmed her down when she was a child and she had kept the little figurine with her like a treasure.

When she put it back onto the table, the rest of the words flowed out automatically until she came to the end of her letter and to the point where her hand refused to write down the words that had formed in her head.

Then there is the butler... she wrote and stared at the words, her hand clutching the pen tighter, forcing it to go on. She added a few more sentences until she finally signed the letter, and her eyes returned to the last paragraph.

The letter was folded and hidden in an empty drawer before she started again. This time leaving out the last part about the butler. It was better if her sister did not know. After all, she was just a head housemaid and there were rules she had to obey. Rules she took very seriously, although they made her heart ache. Maybe one day she would have the chance to tell him about her feelings. But until then she kept them hidden inside her heart.

ooooo

Spring turned into summer, her sleepless nights became fewer and the homesickness faded eventually. It seemed to her that she had found her place in life and that work had never been so satisfying before. She enjoyed waking up early when the sun was just about to rise, when the house was quiet and the only people awake were her, the cook and Mr. Carson. That first summer she often met him on her way downstairs to the kitchen, an oil lamp in his hands to light up the stairway. When he wished her good morning there was always a smile on his face and they would then descend the stairs side by side. On occasion her hand brushed his hand or his arm because the servant's staircase was rather narrow. He never backed off but let it happen. As soon as they reached the end of the stairs, he wished her good morning a second time before he opened the door to his pantry to start his working day. Elsie lost count how often she wished she could just follow him into that room. But she had made her decision and would not give in to the temptation.

Summer was Elsie's favourite season. She tried to spend as much time outdoors as was possible for a head housemaid. Instead of sending a younger housemaid over to the laundry room she picked up the linen herself just to be out in the sun and enjoy the smell of summer. Or she went to talk to the gardener and pick up some fresh flowers for the large hall and the dining room. Usually this was a task the housekeeper took care of but Mrs. Willow was glad that Elsie lightened her workload.

One afternoon when the family was out for a garden party at another estate, she allowed herself five minutes of free time and stepped into the backyard. She stood there, put her head back, closed her eyes and enjoyed the warm sun on her face. How she longed to walk up to the lake and lie down on the lawn, feel the soft grass underneath her hands and inhale the special scent of summer.

"Ms Hughes", his voice brought her back to reality. "Mrs. Willow was looking for you." He came closer until he stood next to her. "She was wondering about the flowers." She opened her eyes to look at him but then noticed that he too had closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, enjoying the fresh air for a moment before he turned around to face her.

"Would you be so kind and tell the gardener to arrange three bouquets for the main hall?"

"Of course Mr. Carson." She could not suppress the wide smile and felt a bit childish to beam at him like this. She was thirty two after all, not a ten year old schoolgirl anymore. But her smile was rewarded when she heard his chuckle.

"You are very fond of this season aren't you?"

"I am, Mr. Carson."

"Would you mind if I accompany you?" the smile on her face involuntarily widened again when he made his offer. "I could use some fresh air and a bit of sun myself."

ooooo

"Good night Ms Hughes." He gently touched her shoulder before he went up the left staircase that night. In the dark he could not see the faint blush on her face that his touch had caused.

Walking down to the flower gardens that afternoon had taken longer than expected. They were soon engaged in a conversation and she told him about life on her parent's farm during the very busy summer months. His questions about that experience were numerous but she was happy to answer them and even happier when she noticed that talking about her past no longer brought along that stabbing pain in her chest.

When she lay awake in her bed that evening, looking at the small flower bouquet in the little vase on her beside cabinet, she saw his face and his smile, heard his voice and felt his fingers again, when he had handed her the flowers. "You should take some summer with you to your room, Ms Hughes."

From that day on she knew that she had started her new life and left her old one behind. There were no nagging doubts anymore, no "should haves" and no regrets. Downton was not yet her home but it would soon become a place she never wanted to leave again. And one reason for that was Charles Carson.

ooooo

PRESENT

All these memories were so far away now but her emotions were as strong as they had always been.

"So everything is gone?" his hand still covered hers. It was warm and soft. Her eyes were still closed and she tried to concentrate on her breathing to stop the tears from welling up again. Everything was gone. The main house, the stables, the animals.

"Yes", her voice cracked. "Everything." His thumb gently stroked the back of her hand. "They brought Anne to the village hospital. Her injuries are severe." He took her other hand too and she took a deep breath and opened her eyes to look at him. "They …." She swallowed hard. "… James writes she tried to rescue the horses but the barn was already on fire, and…" her voice broke.

His arms were around her shoulders, drawing her into an embrace, before she even realized that he had risen from his chair. She had lost control of the situation completely, had allowed the wall to crumble bit by bit and had turned into that vulnerable woman she had never wanted to be. But it did not matter anymore.

A/N now you know. Next chapter will be the last. (when finally we get to the romance!)