Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is humor. In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!

Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.

V. The Baker, Nasty

Did you know that I have a theme song? Beryl played it for me over the time this chapter was being created and I think it's perfect for me. If you aren't familiar with "In My Bed" by Millionaires then you should look it up. Anyway, I've been working around the Phantomhive manor for a couple of days now and don't die on me when I say this, but I think Sebastian's warming up to me. I told him that I had a thing for butlers and he suggested that Tanaka would be a perfect match for me. Well…I wouldn't call that "warming up", but it was a start.

I said to him that Tanaka might've been a butler, but he wasn't head butler and a man in charge was even more attractive. In response, he ordered me to go into the kitchen and prepare the Young Master's snacks. Like a real man would, bossing a woman around to lay before him and bear his babies and making his food. But if it was Sebastian, I'd happily have twenty of his kids~!

Which brings me to this question: what kind of underwear does he wear? The skimpier they are, the better the outcome of my advances. And by advances, I mean, taking him by force. You know you have an inner rapist in you, too! Especially when it comes to guys like Sebastian. I admit that I have one and her name is Ted. I don't know why, though.

When I was taking a pie out of the oven, someone decided to grab my oranges. Ecstatically hoping that my beloved butler finally came to his senses, I grab my assailant's hands and noticed that they weren't gloved. I deflated, turning around to see Pluto, the gay dog. He was panting happily, as if he didn't just harass me. Taking a pan from the counter, I slammed the wild-haired dog-man on the head and he whimpered, clutching at the growing bump. The twins were for Sebastian and Sebastian only, no matter how non-existent they were!

Speaking of which, I heard him chuckle. Did he send Pluto to tease me! Oh, he was sly…just how Mama likes.

"Were you behind that, Mr. Sebastian?" I asked, placing the pan back where it belonged.

"I have no idea as to what you're accusing me of, Mer," he said innocently. "He must have mistaken you for a bitch in heat."

Before you start accusing Beryl about how out-of-character that statement was, I should inform you that my mind likes to be a cruel mistress and tricks my ears into hearing things that'll cause me to respond in an absolutely crazy way. So take a deep breath and know that the butler didn't say that previous sentence. That's how I perceive the world, at times.

"Pardon, Mr. Sebastian?" I said, shaking my head.

"He must have mistaken you for a treat," he answered, which lead to my first double-entendre of the many I plan to say.

"If that's the case, then I wouldn't want it to be him to sample my cream filling."

The head butler's eyebrow twitched then he went off elsewhere. Oh, yeah. He wants my goods. Pluto looked curiously at my Ultimate Rapeface and tugged at my dress. I kneeled, rubbing his bump carefully.

"You understand me, correct?" I questioned him. He nodded his head. "Then don't touch what's not yours."

Whimpering at my dangerous tone, the excited dog tilted his head in understanding. Then it hit me. My Ultimate Rapeface grew in intensity as I began to think of a plan that might enable me to cop a feel of the wonderful planes that belonged to Sebastian's ass…

-Boring Transition-

"Might I interrupt, m'lad?" I called from the closed door.

"Come in," I heard and entered Ciel's study, pushing the cart that held my pie. Ciel glanced up at me, Sebastian mirroring his movements. Secretly, I winked at him then faced the precocious preteen.

"As a reward for being such a kind master, I've prepared a pie for you, m'lad. I hope it is to your liking," I eloquently spoke as I cut a decently-sized slice for him. He took it, quickly taking a bite.

"It's good as always, Mer," the young Earl said, addressing the neutral-faced butler. "Your face is interesting, Sebastian. Do you want to quench that hunger of yours with one of Mer's pastries?"

"At least, you like it, m'lad," I stated sadly. "Mr. Sebastian wouldn't eat my pie, no matter how hard I beg him to."

I know; I'm nasty.

"It is not my intention to offend you, Mer, but I have an aversion to sweets that has fruit not yet ripe," my sly butler cleverly responded. Even so, that was a low blow. Ciel was confused by our exchange.

"Mer's pie isn't bad. Maybe you could try it to learn a thing or two from her, Sebastian," he argued, and before I could stop myself, I laughed at his unintentional vulgarity. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was being stared at. I stopped laughing, going over to the tray to retrieve the whole pie and whistled, giving Pluto the signal. The dog-man came careening in the study, knocking over the cart and making the pie collide with my dress.

I wanted this to happen, of course.

For you see, my plan was to get messy enough so Sebastian could feel disturbed to the point of wanting to dress me himself. Yeah, I've watched a couple of Kuroshitsuji OVA (in which I shouldn't know about, but hey, who cares?) in preparation for my current role and luckily, watching those gave me a couple of ideas.

"Bad Pluto! Look at what you did to my dress!" I chastised, clasping my hands together. "You've made me an unsatisfactory servant to my master!"

Pluto whined, leaving the room and boosting my enthusiasm. Ciel sighed, and ordered Sebastian to make me more presentable. This was what I was hoping for! I was happier than a blond psychopath who's just captured the subject of his unrequited love.

"Y'know, Claude, when I was growing up, I used to love to play tag. It was so fun! So why not play it with me?" Alois Trancy reminisced, smiling ear-to-ear as he traveled through the many halls of his manor. Seems innocent at first, right? But that's the trick of being Alois: he seems all cute and harmless at a glance. However, put a woman in front of him and he'll gouge that bitch's eyes out.

But his misogyny's (hatred of women) besides the point.

The blue-eyed fourteen-year-old decided that he wanted to play a game that's popular among children in a very wrong and twisted way. You see, he wanted to play tag…with a baseball bat. Not a plastic one, not a wooden one, but a freaking metal bat. He was the new Lil' Slugger and his victim was Claude Faustus, a guy with some pedophilic tendencies. No matter how hard Alois tried to be the subject of his guy's child-lusting, he couldn't ever rouse his attention.

So he thought to himself, "Fuck it, if I can't any brain, I'm gonna splatter his all over the walls!"

And here we are, witnesses to a psychopath's pursuit of a pedophile. Alliteration's fun, isn't it, guys?

"Claude~! Where are you?" he called, twirling the bat in his hand and swinging it at an innocent lamp. It shattered upon impact, its many pieces clattering to the floor. One made a thump and Alois looked down, smiling even wider as he found his target. "Tag, you're it~"

Squelch.

Then he took advantage of the dead body.

Sebastian and I were alone. I refrained from rubbing my hands together in anticipation, watching as he took an extra outfit for me to wear. I was positioned in front of the window, just in case he tried to get away from my lovin'.

"So…are you going to dress me, Mr. Sebastian? My hands are a bit shaky and I couldn't possibly hope to get to my duties fast enough," I suggested. The butler seemed to catch what I was implying (Who wouldn't? It was sort of blunt) and his eyes glazed over with lust. Ooh, who knew that it would be this easy~?

I held my arms out expectantly and closed my eyes, waiting to be ravaged by my darling butler. However, things seemed to be running a bit slow as I'm posing here like an idiot. To be sure that Sebastian was truly interested in my proposal, I crack open one of my eyes just a smidgen. My butler had opened the window and snatched up a cat with the sign "A Well-Placed Distraction" around its furry neck. A kitten just cock-blocked me! I can't believe it!

I try to bargain for his attention once again.

"Mr. Sebastian…what about my clothes?" I asked.

"Ah," he started, snapping out of his momentary daze. "I'll leave you to dress, then."

And with my soul crushed, Sebastian walked out of the room. Well, at least I can add something to my notebook. What that would be? Under Sebastian's Turn-ons, I put cats. So far, I can see what else I can do to effectively woo him under my dress. It would just take a few moments more. Yes, a few moments more…

A/N: Oh, Lord, what is she planning now? Tune in next time and Review!