Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is humor. In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!

Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.

VII. The Baker, Diabolical

"Mer, are you alright! You look so tired!" Finnian commented, as soon as I made my way into the foyer. He and the others were waiting at the base of the stairway for Ciel and Sebastian. Yes, you read right, my readers. I, Mer, the mega erotic rabbit, was not at my attractive best this fine morning. My hair was an absolute mess, my eyes had these atrocious bags under them, and I had no pep in my step at all. I was up all night and not even in the way I wanted.

"I didn't get much sleep last night, Finni, so I apologize for my horrid appearance," I replied, yawning. The thought of my brother being here was sabotaging my chances at sleep and I stayed up, worrying about what he might do to torment me. And in front of Sebastian, no less!

"Mer," you're probably saying, "are you gonna let your brother keep you from getting that fine butler tail?" Well, person, I guess I shouldn't let my brother smother my flaming lust with his douchebag blanket. Thanks to your words of encouragement, I felt enough confidence to take care of my poor appearance. Now that I was back to my beauteous glory, I joined my fellow co-workers.

"What's got you up in the clouds so quick?" Bardroy asked, possibly confused at my sudden attitude change.

"Oh, nothing. Bardroy, were you always this handsome?" I said, smiling like a madwoman. The blond blushed, scratching the back of his head.

"W-Well, I suppose so-"

"What are you five doing, loitering around?"

Ciel finally graced us with his presence, looking like he was as disheveled as I was a few moments ago. I guess he wasn't a morning person. Sebastian was close behind the short shota, looking slightly amused. That is, until he saw me. The confident smirk that was across his face turned into a straight line, a disapproving expression that made me lose the tingling feeling I usually had when he was around.

Something told me that I shouldn't have worn my sexy bloomers today.

The butler secretly kept his eye on me while he gave special instructions to the staff, not making his scrutiny obvious to the three, whom were cowering under his stern voice. Even though I adored any attention I could receive from the future father of our sixty kids, there was a certain strangeness about his gaze. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong I wasn't even aware of. Oh, no! Could it be that I didn't tighten my corset enough? No, that couldn't be it. I would look like a very unattractive man if I wound it any tighter. Or was it the fact that-

"Mer," the raven-haired man called, "may I speak to you privately?"

This was an opportunity, sent to me from the lust gods! Naturally, I was happy to accept his invitation. We separated from the main group, blissfully alone, at last, in the kitchen. I was hoping that he would realize his feelings for me and start showering me with affection, but I was not that deluded to believe that was going to happen, what with the hauntingly serious face he had on.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Sebastian?" was my timid question.

"It depends. Will whatever you're plotting interrupt our guest's stay here?" His voice was so wonderfully hostile! I wonder if he sounded this demanding in bed…

I continued to feign innocence. "What ever do you mean?"

"Lord Sullivan is related to you, is he not?" When I didn't answer him, he continued. "Yesterday evening, when his name was mentioned, I noticed that your demeanor changed." An inappropriate smile softened his features. "Is that why you spoke of revenge?"

Damn, he was good. Quality bedding material, wasn't he? I wouldn't mind waking up to that face everyday. I wasn't able to recover from his quick cunning, though.

"Yes, well-"

"Whatever happened between you and Lord Sullivan must not be evident during his stay here. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I relented, pretty sure that any other answer would guarantee the soiling of my underclothes…and not even in a good way. However, there were a few loopholes in his order. Not only does Creux dislike me, he got upset if he was in the vicinity of a redhead or too much of the color red. Guess who only knew that? Me, if that was too hard for you. Sebastian, unfortunately, didn't have access to such information. He hadn't said that I couldn't indirectly bust my brother's gay little balls by means of a certain red-headed co-worker.

That's right, my readers. Maylene's a redhead!

At least, I thought that she qualified as a red-headed person, since my brother's stomach couldn't tolerate any tone or shade of the color-no matter how dark, no matter how light. Hell, pink's enough to give him a healthy dose of incapacitating diarrhea. So it was only natural that claret was perfect enough to rupture his anus to the point of no return.

Then there was the option of taking him to meet his death in the form of the red thing, uh, I mean, Grell. That was technically outside of what Sebastian defined as "here." Don't get me wrong! I love my deadly sexy honey-pumpkins, but I just had to disobey him. Just this once. I promise I won't ever disobey him again.

Sebastian and I returned to the foyer just in time for Ciel to order me this:

"Mer, I want you to be in charge of these three so read these guidelines that Sullivan sent in advance."

For some reason, I felt nauseous as he and the butler went elsewhere. In spite of the sudden sickness, I nodded my head and took the paper with this written on it:

Dear Earl Phantomhive,

As you are probably already aware, I am quite the peculiar guest to accommodate so I have prepared a list of certain conditions to help prepare you for my arrival. I sincerely apologize for my eccentricities and hope that this does not affect our business relationship.

Eternally grateful,

Lord Creux Beauregard Sullivan

Conditions:

"Condition One: Lord Sullivan must not be in the presence of any shade of red and the color itself. For example, pink, burgundy, magenta, maroon, etc," I read, glancing at Finni, who wailed. He clutched at his red hair clips, which held his bangs from his eyes. He overlooked the parts of his shirt that were red.

"No! How am I supposed to see?" he wept, green eyes turning watery.

"Don't worry, Finni. I can help you with that," I assured him, but Maylene started to worry.

"But Mer! My hair-"

"Now, Maylene," I interrupted, hopelessly in denial. "I'm sure that Lord Sullivan has made an exception for red-headed people." My focus was on the list, hoping against the inevitable. "Condition Two: Condition One applies to clothes, accessories, food, and people."

The maid moaned, grabbing at her hair. "What am I going to do!"

I should be the one asking that question. This was a difficult situation, like giving news that you don't want to deliver.

"I didn't want to tell you like this, Claude, but it's better late than never," said Sebastian Michaelis to his son, sitting next to his wife, Claudia. The green-eyed woman seemed mildly uncomfortable with the upcoming topic, a part of her past she didn't want her son to know. It took some persistent urging from her husband to persuade her into being in the same room while he discussed her long-kept secret.

"What is it you need to tell me, Dad?" asked the bespectacled young man, eighteen years of age. He was the spitting image of both parents, his features strong and confident. Sebastian squeezed his wife's hand.

"Actually, your mother would like to say something," he replied. His spouse adjusted the glasses on her face and cleared her throat.

"Well, son, before I married your father, I was different," she said, painfully vague. Claude arched an eyebrow, but nodded his head as if that fact was already known.

"If this is about you not going for his type, then I already know about that, Mum," he informed, fixing a crease in his school uniform pants. He'd have to iron them some more if he had to smooth it out again. His mother shifted her weight, straightening out a crease in her skirt. It was true that she was the mother of this child, however…

"No, Claude. Before you were born, I used to be…thinner than I am now," Claudia clarified poorly, reaching for a picture she kept in her necklace. She handed it to her son while biting her lip in a nervous habit. He evaluated it closely. It was his father and a brunet man, the latter person wearing a stern expression.

"I don't understand," he admitted. "Who is that?"

"His love for you will still be the same, dear. Tell him," Sebastian advised. Claude got even more confused.

"That man in the picture is William T. Spears, the man I used to be and the reason why you look more like him than the woman I am now," Claudia finally confessed, struggling to keep her composure as her son grew silent, shocked by the truth. She turned on her husband. "See? I told you he wasn't-"

"No, Mum," the black-haired teen interjected. "I have something to tell you, too."

"What, son? What is it?"

"…I have a boyfriend."

"Well, that wasn't as shocking as I thought it would be-"

"He's twelve."

Mother Claudia decided to have a late abortion.

"So what are we gonna do, Mer? You might be in charge, but Sebastian's gonna kill us if we do anything to insult our guests!" Bardroy stressed. Think, Mega erotic rabbit, think! Brain Blast! I could simply cover Maylene's head with a wig and I think I had a costume similar to Finni's. I kept some in our room for, y'know…special occasions.

"Bardroy, wait in the kitchen and please don't do anything until I get there. Maylene and Finni, you're coming with me," I commanded, turning to the tea-sipping butler. "Tanaka…you're fine where you are."

"Hohoho…?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

I rushed up the stairs with the gardener and maid in tow, guiding them into the room where the former and I stayed. It wasn't difficult to guess which bed belonged to whom. The cock-blocking kitten-I named him Merry, after me and Sebastian's first child-from before liked to pretend we were roommates and laid on my bed while I discussed my plans to him. I don't know how he was still alive. I haven't fed him. I guess my butler fed him for me, like a good daddy should!

I sat Finni down at the vanity, taking the red hairclips from his long locks and started to brush his hair. After that, I told him to change into his new shirt. Out of the four categories of sexy, I noticed that he was Adorably Sexy and almost had a PNE-a premature nose ejaculation.

"Finni…did I mention that you're awfully handsome like this?" I told him and his cheeks turned red. He stood up, bashful.

"Gee, Mer. Y-You think so?" the blond stammered, overloading my cute meter. Maylene seemed to agree with me, also.

"You look so nice, Finni!" she exclaimed, hands clasped together. I grabbed her by the shoulders, then sat her down in front of the mirror. I called for Merry and he got me a black wig from my secret bunker. After unfastening Maylene's bristly pig tails and wrapping her hair up, I placed the mop of hair on her head.

She seemed to love it, traces of a PNE showing in the mirror.

"I look mysterious, yes, I do!" was her gushing response. "I do love a good mystery!"

Okay, that was taken care of. I went down to the kitchen and had Bard assist me in the kitchen. He confided in me that he was thrilled with the idea of actually cooking without Sebastian hurrying him out once he got the dynamite lit. I knew that my butler was a tyrant to most of my co-workers, but the fault wasn't entirely his own on setting things right. It was made clear that they couldn't do their jobs correctly.

However, if it was me, I would channel their destructive energies effectively. How? Well, by being my little bunnies, my personal matchmakers. The obvious match being Sebastian and I, of course. Get them to drop certain facts about me like, "Say, Sebastian? Did you know Mer can spot a fine posterior from yards away?" and "Mer likes a man who can cook a good meal and make a good meal out of her." Am I pouring it on too thick? Yeah, I thought so, too.

But I might not even get to live to see the day that my maroon-eyed magpie and I get to finally act on the very strong tension between us if I didn't figure out how to best my red-hating brother. How could I possibly hope to do that, with Sebastian watching my every move? Time was running short. The food was done, all necessary preparations have been made, and-

Was that the door opening?

The aforementioned butler had went past me without my noticing and came back with Creux Sullivan. He wasn't too hard to miss, with his all-purple coat and trousers. The guy had long navy hair, fashioned in one large braid that went down his back. His bangs were wavy, sitting atop his thin eyebrows. He drew those on after waxing them completely off. He totally knew that he was going to be in the company of handsome men today and I'd be damned if he made a move on mine!

Creux, at long last, looked in my direction when he was finished acquainting his eyes with my butler's fine ass and put a smile on his gay little face.

"Sebastian, has my sister been a fine servant?" he haughtily questioned. "Or has she just been servicing in the best way she knows how?"

Oh, that glitter-bathing, ass-licking, son of a Grell! Look at him, trying to rile me up with his blasphemous lies! I'm not a whore! I mean, for Sebastian, anything! But I don't even have the proper certification to take that from a guy who takes in more penis than a men's stall before I can prove that to be true!

Sebastian knew better to ignore that last comment.

"Lord Sullivan, Mer has been a satisfactory addition to our staff here at the Phantomhive Manor. It is a shame that her stay here is only temporary," my lovely hunk of man complimented, glancing back at me with that "come hither" gaze. As expected, Creux was displeased with that answer.

"Hmm. Well, I'm sure Father would be glad to hear that…if he wasn't despairing," he said, aiming his brown eyes-full of shit-at me as he spoke. "Where is Earl Phantomhive?"

"In the dining room. Surely, you are hungry after such a long trip?"

First of all, that just took away the joy I had from that compliment he gave me earlier. Second of all, we only lived thirty minutes away. I know that his ass wasn't that delicate from all the poundings-

"Yes, thank you. Did you prepare the meal, Sebastian?"

"No, Lord Sullivan," Sebastian said, guiding the purple pansy to the dining room. The dining table was set up perfectly, all of the dishes void of red, unfortunately. Ciel was a gracious host, as always, but did he necessarily have to accommodate his guests? You would think that with the level of arrogance he had, it would overpower my brother's enormous, enema-inducing fear of red.

"Welcome, Lord Sullivan," the shota greeted. "The meal is courtesy of our cook, Bardroy, and the desserts are made by our boulangère, Mer."

"I hope that you enjoy, sir," I said to my brother, with way more respect than he really deserved. He harrumphed lightly, going to sit down and eat. Yes, I was sure that he enjoyed, judging by the plenty of sausages that he jammed hungrily down his throat. Creux might have been the dainty type, however, there was nothing dainty about his table manners. He ate hard and fast, much like the way he engaged in his orgies in MY bed, no less.

Before I did anything rash, I escorted myself to where my fellow servants were-behind where the Young Master sat, yet, out of the way. I made my place between Bardroy and Finni, Maylene fidgeting with her "mysterious" new hairstyle.

The taller blond to my right leant down to whisper in my ear, trying to confirm what I was already aware of.

"Mer…uh, call me crazy, but is that a relative of yours?" the cook inquired, keeping his voice low. I nodded my head. Finni and Maylene gasped at the revelation, the maid having stars in her eyes-well, I figured that would be the case if you could see past her thick glasses lens.

"He's so handsome, yes!" she enthused, steam billowing out of her ears. Just another sign of a PNE. Then she deflated, realizing something. "It's a shame that he doesn't like redheads…"

I scoffed. "My brother is not fond of the fairer sex, regardless."

"What do you mean, Mer?" was the innocent response of the adorable Finnian. Oh, would it be wrong to spoil this cute child's mind with the information of my brother's sexual preferences?

"What I mean, Finni, is…there is…um," I struggled, wrapping my finger in my hair. Luckily, Sebastian intervened.

"Mer, would you go get the blueberry square cakes? Our guest has quite the sweet tooth. A bit too sweet," he ordered. Might I add, with such conviction! Like I was responsible-oh, I saw what he did there! Creux must have laid his hands on my man! Hell, no! I cannot let this continue. Whether or not my next course of action violated my sweet Sebastian's trust in me did not matter anymore! Purple pansy was going down and not in a way that Grell would like.

A/N: Uh-oh. What is Mer's plan? Will her chances with Sebastian be terminated because of it? Tune in next time and review! Oh, and those of you who gave your opinions in the last chapter will be making your cameo in the next chapter after this! YAY! Are you excited! But give me some time, okay? I get out of college on winter break on December 12th, so hang tight! Love you~!