Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is humor. In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!
Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.
VIII. The Baker, Punished
I went into the kitchen to retrieve the rest of the desserts, Ultimate Revengeface gracing my features. I have figured out a way to inconspicuously ruin my brother's reputation and possibly our business relations with the Phantomhives, but that's not important. What was important was me getting my brother before he started to serenade Sebastian with his false allegations. Deviously determined, I rolled the pastries and an extra glass of wine into the dining room.
"Ah, my sister is such a good servant. I can't wait to have her back home," Creux said to my butler, who just stood idly by. Humph! Way to defend the mother of your eighty babies, Sebastian! Well, my gay brother was going to regret that statement once he finds out the hard way what I have in store. As I placed the desserts in front of him, I forcefully made myself look like a fool as the last dish accidentally (wink) tipped the glass of wine onto his lower half. But wait! This does not qualify as revenge, yet, my readers. Oh, no…Insert evil laugh here.
Most of the wine spilt onto the floor, ruining his boots. Ciel sighed, clenching the bridge of his nose. My brother-the other navy-haired nuisance-stood up quickly, his face reddening in anger. Or was that embarrassment? Either way, I was pretty sure that the end result would please me. Creux's eyes were narrowed as he aggressively took a step towards me, accusation in his voice.
"You did that on purpose, you little bitch!" he yelled in French, thinking that our native tongue would sweeten up what was really being said. I decided it was a good time to lay on my "Best Actress" skills. I backed away timidly, lifting my arms up as if I was anticipating a beating.
"Please, brother! Do not hit me!" I frantically exclaimed, dropping the silver platter as strategically (wink) as I could. I didn't know if my acting was expert enough to fool Sebastian, whom I knew could see through everything I set up, but it was satisfactory to a point where he had to interrupt our exchange. He bowed to my brother, the look on his face apologetic, but as he went on speaking, Mr. Nice Butler was disappearing fast.
"I apologize, Lord Sullivan, for the mess Mer caused. However," my lovely man continued, "her mistake is not an excuse to strike her. It is ungentlemanly…despite your preferences. The washroom is upstairs, third door to your left. There are some spare clothes there, should an event like this occur."
I could see Creux's balls drop from my place behind Sebastian as he was making his way out of the dining room. He turned around to glance at my (faux) tear-stained face.
"Mer, I need to talk with you," he told me, directing his attention to Maylene. "Maylene, clean this mess up."
"Right away, sir!" she chirped. Oh, bollocks. It's about to go down. The maid charged to the mess, her boot landing on the silver platter. The floor was still slick from the wine and she took off. She screamed, sliding in my moping brother's direction, thus colliding with him and knocking the wig off of her head. Before he knew it, my brother had a redheaded maid straddling him and readers, we both know that it wasn't in a way he would like.
Even from here, I could see that his cheeks were puckered. Yes, those cheeks. The ones on his face were affected, too, puffed out and a wonderful shade of green.
"Ruh-Ruh-Red!" he stammered roughly, getting out from under the blushing maid and heading out of the dining room. Then, a girl's voice that was louder than any voice I have ever heard called, "CIEL~!"
The boy himself paled, a shiver wracking his body. I turned to Sebastian for guidance.
"That would be Elizabeth Middleford, the Young Master's fiancée. It is safe to assume that she would be wearing an abundance of pink," he explained.
Mwahahaha! Twice the ass-rupturing!
"I think my brother needs the water closet, Sebastian," I informed him.
Suddenly, a heavy retching sound traveled throughout the whole mansion and I was caught laughing to myself. Of course, Sebastian wouldn't be Sebastian if something like that escaped his notice. I do believe that I was more fucked than a colorful character in a world where he or she exists as a Japanese animation.
Obscene language, screaming, and the savage slamming of computer keys. The origin of these sounds could be blamed on three friends gathered in a bedroom, going about their own businesses. One of them was causing most of the noise, playing a zombie-shooting game. Her name was Matilda. She wore large black headphones, her purple-streaked black hair bustling over her eyes as she reacted violently to the offending zombie that dared to injure her character.
"Waah! Get off me!" she cried, as the undead attacker launched on top of her. "Get off of me, you maggot-molester!" The other two, who sat far away on either side of her, glared blankly at their somewhat mentally-imbalanced friend and shook their heads, as if they were trying to figure out how they ended up being friends with her in the first place.
"Dude, take a chill pill! My mum might think I'm doing something to you!" Chin-Chin admonished, squinting her eyes as she carefully arranged playing cards in a pyramid on top of her small coffee table. She almost lost it when the flimsy structure swayed once a brown-eyed girl wearing a Cookie Monster beanie swiped a jar of cookies that was nearby. "Carey!"
"Cookies! Nyahahaha!" Carey diabolically laughed, shoving the treats into her mouth, without no regard for manners. Chin-Chin was about to settle with glaring at the people ruining her concentration when…
~In A Closet…
Grell Sutcliff woke up in small, enclosed space. His first thought was summoning his Death Scythe to break out of wherever he was, but he thought that it was over-the-top, even for a woman as beautifully destructive as he was. So he reared his right leg back as far as he could and released it in front of him, causing the structure to splinter apart in a million smithereens.
By the looks of things, Grell was no longer in England.
He was in a room, full of teenage human girls. Shamefully dressed girls, to be exact. All of them wore some sort of trousers, seemingly more appropriate for males to wear. The human girls paused what they were doing at the red-clad reaper's captivating arrival. Unfortunately, he could not give them a word of fashion advice before one of them shouted, "What the fuck!" and threw a complicated-looking machine at his face. His poor nose was not spared from being broken as he fell down. Hard.
The updraft that was produced from the unceremonious landing of the red-headed intruder's body blew away Chin-Chin's well-constructed pyramid of cards. Her green eyes widened, and her mood was so deadly, a black aura manifested around her. In a painstakingly slow movement, the bespectacled girl turned her head to the invader-who recovered, nursing his heavily bleeding nose-and stood up, grabbing the coffee table.
"What the fuck are you doing here!" she growled, hefting the furniture piece over her head. Grell found himself ridiculously intimidated and started backing away as the girl with the buns in her hair continued her tongue-lashing: "What the hell is this, Narnia? Bursting out of the wardrobe, huh? Are you the freaking gay faun?"
Before the man could answer, Chin-Chin began to hit him with the table.
"Take that, you freaking asshole! Go back to your Narnia dome!"
"No~!" he wailed, his voice high-pitched and alarmingly effeminate. "Not my face, not my face!"
The green-eyed girl stopped her deep breathing, still holding the bloody table. It was then Carey took over for her friend, a psychotic grin on her face as she knelt down in front of the trembling, horribly-tortured (but really supposed to be dead) stranger.
"Are you alright?" the girl with the brownish-black hair asked, tilting her head and giving the Ultimate Mary-Sue smile. The battered and bruised redhead's eyes grew large with bewilderment.
"What are you talking about? Obviously, I'm-" his sentence could not be completed, thanks to Carey shoving cookies down the long-haired man's throat. Matilda held him still while the force-feeding commenced. Somehow, and by somehow, the authoress means "suddenly-recalling-that-Grell-is-considered-to-be-the-second-strongest-character," Grell discovered the strength to fight off the vicious girls and miraculously escape through the window.
Let's just say that Grell was having a seriously bad day. He happened to land in front of a brunette whose hair was cut in different lengths that just so happened to despise redheads. Her name was Demi Sutaine. She actually had a Ph.D. in ass-kicking and guess who was about to take a crash course? She beat the hell out of Grell and successfully delivered his body to her boss.
"Here you go, ma'am," Demi said, tossing the body on the floor.
"Very good, Hellhound," Mer cackled. "Now, Sebastian's ass is definitely mine! Mwahahaha!"
"But I'm not dead-"
"Shut the hell up, Gigantically retarded ego-maniacal lumpy loser!"
"What ever mess your brother makes, you will have to clean up, Miss Sullivan, so I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Sebastian told me, giving me the "I-shun-the-scheming-baker" look as he departed to assist my brother.
Despair was the only word that could describe what I felt at the moment as that command pierced through me like an arrow on fire, seasoned with jalapeño peppers. In a way, I guess my brother did eventually become my downfall. I walked into the foyer after I gathered the necessary cleaning tools and cringed at the product of my brother's nausea. Sighing pitifully, I forced myself to mop up the ugly sickness.
I took it upon myself to take a break (I had to; Ciel's fiancée was talking my ears off and I wanted to shove the mop's stick up her ass to make her into a puppet) out in the courtyard. I sat down in the middle of some bushes. Pluto scampered up to me in his human form, wincing at the smell of puke, but he still rested his head on my lap. He was such a sweet gay dog.
"Oh, Pluto. Sebastian must be so angry at me," I murmured. "How am I going to get into his-"
"Good graces?" the butler's voice chimed in, even that wasn't the word I was going to use for "trousers."
"M-Mr. Sebastian!" I stammered, obviously surprised at his sudden appearance. I stood up, swatting at Pluto once he got a little too excited. "I know what I did was a tad bit childish, but I never meant for it to go so far as it did and I apologize for it."
Can anyone say, "That was a goddamn lie"?
"I would graciously accept that apology if it wasn't so insincere. You disobeyed me, Mer, and it is your deception that will endanger you," Sebastian warned. How I understood it: no class, no ass.
"I'm sorry for my dishonesty, Mr. Sebastian, but I only did it so I wouldn't look like a fool in front of you. My brother is notorious for that, you see," I said, hoping that was a good enough excuse.
"If you ask me, that deed has already been done." Ouch! Burn! I walked into that one, I suppose. "However, I am willing to forgive you…on one condition."
"And what would that be?" I asked dreamily.
"Apologize to Lord Sullivan. Grell has decided not to reap his soul."
WHAT! "What is the reason for that decision?"
The red-headed reaper sauntered in on the conversation.
"Setting aside from your sibling rivalry, he has committed no serious damage. He gets to live," he explained. Well, I guess it was safe to say that Grell was forever going to be my enemy for letting my brother live. I sighed again, going off to find my brother. He was about to get in the horse carriage when he saw me approaching. A smug smile appeared on his face, despite the pansy puking episode he went through a few moments earlier.
"Come to finish me off, Mer?" he queried, hair flowing in the wind. I wouldn't be surprised if that had been said to Grell. I mean, this was my nymphomaniac brother. He was not above slutting for his soul.
"No, Creux. I…wanted to apologize," I grudgingly said, wringing my hands together so they won't throttle him to death. Creux chuckled.
"It's not needed," he replied gently, holding me by the shoulders. "I did come on too strongly to that butler and I should've known how possessive you are of your things. I should apologize." I waited pleasantly for what he offered, but it didn't come.
"Dear brother, I am waiting…"
"Fine. I am sorry," he announced, as he climbed inside the carriage, "but make sure that if you do manage to get that butler under your skirts tomorrow, bed him twice as hard for me."
As he said this, he passed me a note.
"Because you'd have to be an idiot to miss such an opportunity."
Both of our Ultimate Rapefaces lit up as he left. My brother and I may have hated each other, but we, at least, agreed on one thing and that was being easy for Sebastian. Maybe Creux was going to do something special for me for once. Something so special, that I'd have to be completely and utterly stupid not to successfully score with my lovely butler.
But what could it be?
A/N: Yes, what could it be? Well, we'll find out next chapter. And how long should this second installment of "Musings" be? Eighteen chapters, or less? Or more? Give me your thoughts. In the meantime, Review!