Disclaimer: The events that will transpire are intended to entertain you, the reader. If you feel that these events are highly unlikely or purely stupid, it's because it is meant to be. Hence why the genre is humor. In other words, don't be trollin'. Enjoy the chapter!

Rated T cuz Mer's a big perv. You are warned.

IX. The Baker, In Heaven

Dear Sister,

I have the utmost foolproof plan for you, so prepare to be making me an uncle. Before that…incident occurred, Earl Phantomhive and I were discussing his duties to the Queen. Seeing as his business with Her Majesty is confidential, he was only allowed to tell me that he himself could not personally participate in investigating the case tomorrow because he has to appease his fiancée for my…releasing my bowels on her, as well.

Earl Phantomhive will most likely select only his butler for the task, saying that "he is perfectly capable by himself." Well, after much persuasion on my part (I arranged that he and Lady Elizabeth stay at our family's villa), I put in a word of your "investigative" skills and he agreed to let you join that handsome devil.

I know that you are very aware of what that means.

You and Sebastian will be alone for as long as this case permits.

Make me proud (and take some photographs),

Creux

"I'm really excited to be spending the day with you, Mr. Sebastian," I said to the strictly-business butler as we walked outside to the carriage. He had no investigative items on his person, but I couldn't help thinking about how much I wanted to "investigate" his body. In all of its slender and sweet glory, I could only imagine the many ways and combinations in which we could-

"Mer, please refrain from acting inappropriate. This is an investigation, not an outing," Sebastian stated firmly, but all I heard was, "Mer, please refrain from acting enticing before I mount you. This is a promise, not a threat." I know, I know. I desperately need to clean my ears out for the actual moment he says that.

Today was going to be the best chance for me to step things up a bit. I was sure to bring my handy-dandy notebook. Of course, I was going to take a few notes. Some important to this case and some important for my case, if you catch my drift.

"I promise I'll be on my best behavior," I vowed. However, that doesn't apply when no one's looking, right? Loophole number one. Tanaka would be escorting us around the London area as we conducted our analysis. Sebastian and I boarded the carriage. I listened intently as he briefed me on the case.

"There has been multiple killings in the London area. Our responsibility is to find out who has been behind these crimes and-Mer?"

I looked up from my rather naughty depiction of the butler and I in a somewhat comprising position. Of course, I was the dominant one.

"Yes, sir? Go on; I was just jotting down a few notes."

"Right. As I was saying…"

Basically, there was a deranged person killing people and leaving their bodies in a severely mangled state. The only thing the killer left behind was a handkerchief. The victims so far all have been members of aristocratic families and we were on our way to the person we thought was next, which was a man named James Kensington, since the last victim was his brother.

As I was drawing myself in my cat suit, the carriage came to an abrupt stop and the pen I was illustrating with made a damaging mark to my butler's perfect face. I was absolutely livid, but managed to keep my composure as I went to investigate the reason behind why we've stopped.

Crumpled up in the middle of the road, there was a richly-dressed girl. Her blue eyes revealed that she didn't seem to care that she came close to dying. She was more uncaring than a boy who had a crazy blond stoner as a friend.

Ciel, with a huge pain behind his eyes, woke up to an alarming sight. To the left of him was a six-foot balcony door and a slender blond was on the other side of it, standing on the metal railing. The blue-eyed boy sniffed the air and instantly realized the reason why his companion wasn't thinking clearly.

"Alois!" he called forcefully, joining the boy on the balcony. Hazy sky-blue eyes turned to meet him, even more proof that the blond was probably halfway out of his mind. Well, more than he usually was.

"H-Hey, Ciel…man, I just had the craziest idea," drawled Alois, gazing up at the sky. "Wanna hear it?"

"You've been smoking again, have-"

"Y'know how my hair is blond, right? That has to mean that-now, don't lose your shit when I tell you this, cuz this will blow your mind-my home planet is the Sun and I'm a friggin' cloud. So if I jump off, it should only make sense that I could just float back home. Are you with me?"

Ciel just nodded his head, not feeling bad about what will soon be identified as an unpreventable act of stupidity. So the blond stoner jumped off the ledge, not a sound coming from him as he fell, plummeting down to earth. Ciel was waiting for any kind of impact, but was surprised when Alois came back up to greet him.

It was then he came to the realization that a syringe had been in his arm the whole time and everything that just happened was in his head.

This would be the last time Alois could convince him that Claude Faustus was "completely harmless."

"Are you all right?" I asked the dull-eyed girl, after I had hopped out of the carriage. I could see Sebastian's lean frame follow me in my peripheral vision. Her vacant look reminded me of when I first laid eyes on my butler's fine proportions, but mine was far less desolate-looking than hers. She must have been in shock or something. "What were you thinking, laying out in the middle of the road?"

"Lady Marion! Oh, dear!" a blonde woman cried out, approaching the silent girl who laid limp in my arms. She must have been a personal servant to her. Her hazel eyes glared accusingly at us. "What have you charlatans done to Lady Marion?"

"We haven't done anything to cause her current state," Sebastian calmly answered, glancing down at my right arm. Ah, so he had saw me when I was about to grab one of my daggers to jam down the beady-eyed harlot's throat. How dare she call me a charlatan? It wasn't my fault some dumbass girl decided to lay down in the middle of the road and act like she was struck plumb stupid?

I relaxed then stood up. "She was laying in the road, miss." I recalled something in my notes that wasn't about me and Sebastian getting down and dirty. I addressed the dazed girl. "You wouldn't happen to be Marion Kensington?"

Marion's servant seethed. "Watch your casual tone, girl. And what of her identity is so important to someone like you?"

This bitch was asking for a big old hug, and by hug, I meant, "blade in the baby-launcher." Sebastian was so good at sensing my anxiety, he stood in front of me and as much as I loved looking at his ass, I actually couldn't marvel at his handsome tail for some reason. That woman really was getting me hot and not in a good way. Not like I go that way or anything…

The servant woman seemed to grow intimidated at Sebastian's tall form. "Yes? What do you need?"

"My name is Sebastian Michaelis, ma'am," he introduced politely, smiling eerily all the while. He gestured to me. "My assistant here is Mer Sullivan, and Miss Kensington's identity is of great importance to us so if we could just have a few words together, I'm sure we can explain our interest in her."

The blonde woman blinked, obviously soiling herself at the seductiveness of my honey's persuasive words. We traveled to a manor located west of London, guided by the servant, who revealed that her name was Heather. Once we were inside, we were told to sit down in the living room while she went to get James Kensington. Sebastian remained standing. It was awkward for me because the seat I happened to sit in was parallel to where the entranced Marion was.

She kept staring at me.

Hoping that she would redirect her gaze elsewhere, I tried to avoid her piercing stare by looking at my hands in my lap.

Then a brittle voice spoke: "You're very beautiful. Just like him."

Just what was I supposed to say to that? I don't go for chicks, but I'm fine with-

"Dickens, me. Did I say that out loud? I'm sorry," Marion apologized, red flushing her face. I laughed nervously.

"No, it's fine. I'm quite…flattered, actually," I lied.

"Either way, it was rude of me. You'll have to forgive me; ever since my brother's…passing, I haven't been able to govern myself properly. That incident on the road was my third attempt at suicide."

Wow, that was an ideal conversation piece. I directed my attention at Sebastian. His eyes told me not to comment any further on the subject, not that I was going to.

"Thomas and I were close. To think that he has left James and I on this earth the way he did breaks my heart…" Marion sighed, a gloved hand on her heart.

"He is in a better place now, Lady Marion. He suffers no more," Sebastian assured.

"My good man is right, Mary. Our little brother is at peace; don't make him worry."

A man-presumably Lord Kensington-descended the stairs with Heather, baring a conveniently odd resemblance to Sebastian. As to why it was convenient, Beryl has failed to explain. I stood up, curtsying to show my manners. The black-haired man nodded to me, about to turn away when he found an unknown reason to keep his eyes on me.

James stepped over to me, immediately placing his hands on my shoulders.

"May I ask why God allowed one of his heavenly children fall to this earth?" he charmingly asked, moving his hand to my face. Damn, why did his voice sound so sexy? Mer, you must remain faithful to the future father of your one-hundred children!

"Flattery seems to run in this family, doesn't it, Mr. Sebastian?" I chuckled, internally begging the butler to separate me from Lord Kensington. I happened to catch an amused smirk go across the black-clad man's face. He was taking humor in my molestation…or was he turned on by it because he wanted to be in the lord's place? I took out my book and wrote down under Sebastian's Turn-ons, "loves to see me man-handled."

"Lord Kensington, I trust that you are aware that you might be targeted next by the Aristocrat Assassin," Sebastian stated, taking away from James's amorous mood.

"It is not a thing I would bring up in front of such lovely company," he commented pointedly, toying with my chin now, "but yes. If you are investigating, I only ask that you tread lightly. Whoever it is has a penchant for swordplay…there was hardly anything left of poor Thomas."

I spoke up, removing his hand as politely as I could. "It is probably best that you and your family stay indoors, my lord." James looked like I had given him a little more than advice and took my hands again.

"If it would appease you, my angel, I would happily obey!" he exclaimed, light brown eyes wide. Then the energy behind them dimmed as he realized something. "However, I need to be in attendance at a soirée precisely at seven this evening. It is hosted by one of my business partners, so if I don't attend, he will be prompted to sever his ties with me."

Sebastian inquired, "Lord Kensington, have you met this business partner personally?"

"Sir Kensington conducts his business through me," Heather addressed. "It is my duty to stop him from making rash choices and attending that soirée is one of them. After all, how can he go if he does not know its location?"

And as soon as she said that, I sensed something odd about Sebastian's quick yet devious smile. I couldn't help but reflect on one of Lady Aubergine's warnings.

"Now, whatever you do, don't ever try to harm Ciel in any way," she warned, her face dead serious.

"Why would I do that?" I asked, curious.

"Believe me, you'll find a reason to. He has a smart mouth that just pisses people off, but if you even mention harming him-like I did in Chapter Twelve-his butler won't hesitate to kill you."

"Kill?"

"Or rape. Depending if you have information or not," she elaborated.

I knew I didn't like Heather for some reason. Judging to my predecessor Ophelia Cornelius, Sebastian would do almost anything for the sake of his objective. "Anything" would include charming the bloomers off of that nasty blonde with the beady eyes. But I was sure that Sebastian wouldn't dare strike now. When the time came that he did, I'm willing to still accept him when he comes to his senses… as long as he sanitizes his Johnson afterwards.

"Heather, you are a cruel mistress," James called, sucking his teeth as the blonde woman retreated to what seemed to be her room. He turned back to me. "We've known each other ever since childhood…it is embarrassing that she tries to protect me using such childish measures. If I manage to get that address from her, I could look forward to go with you, dear angel."

This guy really wanted to shove it in me and here Sebastian was, smiling casually at his straightforwardness. I only chuckled, excusing myself to go talk to the butler.

"Please don't tell me that you're going to get that address, Mr. Sebastian," I begged. "Sir Kensington doesn't seem to care that I'm not interested in him."

Sebastian's sly grin was saliva-inducing. "To defy the Queen's orders and not retrieve the address would greatly displease the Young Master." He feigned sadness, his slim eyebrows furrowed and his maroon eyes sorrowful. "Or do you not trust me to protect your virtue once I do retrieve the address?"

Damn his sexy voice!

I shook my head adamantly. "I trust you, Mr. Sebastian. I just worry about Heather's virtue…"

He rose an obsidian eyebrow at me, then understood what I was trying to imply. "That sort of approach won't be necessary," he said flatly, seeming like he was as disgusted as I was to contemplate such a thing. The grin made another appearance. "Unless you would prefer to shorten our time together?"

"Mr. Sebastian, I thought I was the only one warned not to act inappropriate," I giggled, especially pleased at the direction our analysis was turning.

"Pardon me?"

Crap! My damn defective ears has successfully deceived me into hearing what I wanted to hear and I believed it. According to outside sources, Sebastian didn't say that last statement. Instead, he said something about Heather tying me and James's wrists together.

"N-Nothing. I apologize; my mind has been all over the place," I stammered. Sebastian just left me to my own devices, meaning that it was only James, Marion, and I in the room. James continued to spout doting comments at me, making Marion chuckle as I winced. Fifteen minutes passed. Sebastian came out, looking rather triumphant as he went to join us.

"Miss Heather has been courteous enough to give me the address. She has asked in return that you, Sir Kensington, stay behind, since the Aristocrat Assassin might target the location," he announced. I repressed the urge to cheer.

"Then how is he supposed to attend?" Marion asked. I suddenly realized why the resemblance between Sebastian and James was so convenient.

"Sebastian can go in his place; the resemblance between you two is almost spot-on," I noticed. Besides, the host and James never met personally, anyway.

"You would need a guest to go with you," James inputted.

"That could be arranged," Sebastian said, walking over to me and extending his hand. "Miss Mer Sullivan, would you like to be my guest?"

I nearly fainted.

It was seven on the dot when the carriage dropped Sebastian-or should I say, James?-and I off to the party. It was hosted by a man named Liam Howard, the owner of many prosperous mines. We were greeted by him as soon as we went inside his brightly lit manor.

"Lord Kensington, it is nice to finally meet you face to face!" he welcomed jovially, giving Sebastian a rapid handshake. He was looking mighty delectable in James's clothes, might I add. I promised my brother I'd bed him twice as hard and with what he had on, that was definitely a promise I was going to fulfill. I suppressed my Ultimate Rapeface to greet Lord Howard.

"Ah, is this Lady Kensington?" the brunet questioned, kissing my gloved hand. Marion lent me her gloves. They made me look beautiful, she had unabashedly admitted. Sebastian suddenly curled his fingers along my side, coaxing me closer to him as he pressed his lips against the crown of my head. Ah, the explicit things I wanted to do to him~!

"We've been married for two years. Isn't that right, dear?"

The heat that I was producing was enough to reduce the Thames to steam. I snuggled next to my husband-oh, God, that sounded so right!-and smiled as big as I could.

"Yes, love. We were planning to have out first child in May, but my James is very impatient," I easily said, going along with this act perfectly. Howard let us leave him so we could enjoy the festivities. I went straight towards the wine, but Sebastian stopped me.

"I'd prefer it if you stayed away from the wine, dear. It won't be good for the baby," he reminded me. So? Our imaginary baby wasn't stopping me from plowing that ass so why should it from trying alcohol? It was then I realized that he meant he wanted me consciously aware while we were trying to solve this case.

Fuck that.

While he was observing the crowds, I downed two glasses of wine and regretted it. First of all, the wine had such a horrible taste and I think that I was a lightweight when it came to maintaining alcohol because I quickly became lush. To any of my readers who've ever been drunk or always wanted to be drunk, don't ever do it. I tried to keep my composure for reason that the small orchestra started to play a waltz and Sebastian wanted me to dance.

I complained to him that I had no experience whatsoever.

"You'll learn today, then. You've always been a quick learner," my husband remarked, placing one of his hands around my waist. He instructed me gently as I drunkenly swerved along with his rapid movements. Even drunk, I guess I could successfully manage listening to Sebastian.

"Do you see him?" he whispered to me. I could barely remember my name.

"W-Who do you mean?" I replied, trying to quiet the churning in my stomach. Damn, my alcohol tolerance was pathetic!

"Over my shoulder. He has been watching us. Mostly you, to be correct," he corrected himself, twirling me around twice then bringing me forwards then backwards. I was disoriented, but able enough to see a strange man with glasses. He didn't seem to be an aristocrat, but he carried himself like one. He was dressed in crisp clothes, too impeccable to be a commoner. As soon as I looked away from him, darkness overcame the ballroom and I was carried away.

I began to squirm in my captor's grasp, beating at his chest. I could see that he made off with me in a bedroom and as soon as he set me down, I reached for one of my weapons. Unfortunately, my wrist was seized.

"Relax," a familiar voice urged me. Sebastian? "The ballroom is dangerous at the moment. I've decided that this is a more suitable place for…discussion."

Oh, snap. The slightly parted lips. The steamy, smoldering gaze that seemed so powerful that it glowed. So this was the Rapeface that Lady Cornelius warned me about…the face that I couldn't bare to look at without feeling threatened. I found myself backing away from my dangerously horny butler, suddenly no longer motivated to sink my teeth in him. There had to be something wrong. Wait a minute…since when did Sebastian have golden eyes?

"Mr. Sebastian!" I called, knowing that he would be able to hear me somehow. A few seconds must have passed when the real butler came into the room, sending a nasty look to the imposter. If I studied my predecessor's language correctly, she would describe it as a "what-you-doin'-with-my-bitch" look, right?

"I thought I sensed a pest. Mr. Faustus, have you lowered yourself to a common burglar…again?" he asked the doppelganger, who reverted to his true form.

"The last time I've checked, Michaelis, you are not bound to this girl's soul," he contended. My sexy butler almost glided his way over in my direction, standing behind me. Were we going to do it that way in front of the Faustus fellow? I'm too shy for that!

"That's where you're mistaken. Mer's soul might not be marked as my territory, but as long as she remains in my sight, she still belongs to me," Sebastian declared tauntingly, gently clutching my shoulders. He lowered his face next to mine and dragging his tongue up my cheek. "Her heart, her mind, and eventually…her body."

This couldn't possibly be real. My mind is just being very, very cruel to me. Sebastian really meant what he said? Was he really serious? I was beginning to doubt the reality when the sly butler promptly kissed the side of my neck.

"Distract him while I apprehend the assassin, won't you, chére?" my Sebastian suggested. My Lecher Ladylove powers activated and I grabbed a sword that was strapped to my thigh. I charged at the imposter, feeling more invincible than Grell on a sugar high. I eventually overpowered Faustus to the point he became more serious and pulled out golden silverware. Wait, what?

I soon discovered that he was very skilled at using them as weapons. By the time I withdrew, the dress I was wearing had tiny gashes in the sleeves. This was so unfair. How was I going to keep my promise to Creux now, with some silverware ninja trying to kill me?

I had an idea.

"Faustus, you wouldn't kill me, correct?" I asked.

"I wouldn't dare endanger the succulent soul you possess," he responded.

"Well…all right. Whatever the reason, could you not interfere with Sebastian and I ever again? I'd like my soul in place when I finally woo him into submission."

"Submission?" Faustus laughed. "You hope to woo a demon into submission?"

"Yes, I fully intend to-" I started to say, then caught onto an important detail. "Demon?"

A/N: *le gasp* How will Mer react to knowing the truth? Again, guys. Sorry for the delay; I was really battling the annoying beast known as Writer's Block. As you can see, I won! So leave a review and stay tuned!