A/N: Again Hey! I am sorry I am posting this and it is techniqually Saturday here on the East coast, anywho….This is still unedited. My beta is busy, busy, busy! She has been awesome so far and I know that RL is more important…so I am going to keep sending my chapters to her and let her read them at her pace, and I will post them as I get them, but if it gets close to a week between postings I will post an unedited and then update it when she gets it back to me :D
Thanks for bearing with both of us!
Disclaimer: Characters belong to SM I am just playing with them a bit!
Chapter 11: "If I Die Young"
EPOV:
I know that Bella said she wanted to show me, but as I sit and watch her just strum my guitar, I know she is having trouble getting started. I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She turns and gives me a sad smile; I nod to let her know she can take her time.
"It is so hard for me to play this song. I played it for her at the cemetery. I know she would have loved to play it with me. When we started writing the song, I don't think either of us ever expected it to be played the way it was meant to be." She tells me sadly, I can only now imagine what the song is about.
"You don't have to play it now, or ever if you don't want to. I understand it was something between the two of you." I tell her hoping she feels comfortable knowing she doesn't have to share it with me. She just shakes her head at me and then turns and looks back at the guitar, and then I hear her start to play a song and very soon after she starts to sing.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
I watch her sing and hearing the emotion in her voice almost has me in tears. I see a few tears slide down her cheeks as she continues to sing.
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin'of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand there's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time
So put on your vest boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Every time she sings the course, I now understand what she meant about them not knowing how true the words would be to either of them. I just stare at her as she finishes the song.
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your vest boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
"Bella that was….I don't even know how to explain it. I am speechless." I tell her honestly and grab her and pull her tightly to my chest. She starts to cry harder, and all I can do is hold on to her.
"That was a beautiful song, did you write that Bella?" I look up at my sister standing in the door way. I just give her a cold hard stare, even though it does not seem to faze my sister who comes into my music room and sits next to me and Bella.
Bella lifts her chin and looks up at me and even though she still has tears in her eyes she gives me a smile. I just lean down and kiss her tears away. We sit there and ignore my sister's presence for a while longer. Although Alice knows there is some importance as to what is going on and surprisingly enough, she stays quiet.
"Alice…" Bella speaks softly and quietly
"My best friend and I wrote most of the song together….before she…" That was all she could get out before she buries her face in my chest and cries again. I squeeze her tight and tell her it is going to be okay that I am here for her as long as she needs me.
"Bella, you don't need to tell me anything, I am sorry I was being nosy." My sister says sincerely. I just give her a sad smile and thank her in a soft whisper. She nods at me as she gets up to leave Bella and I alone, but Bella pulls back and asks Alice to stay. I look at Bella and she nods at me.
"Amanda was my best friend; she was killed in a car accident about 7 months ago." She starts her story, although, I don't think that Alice will hear all of what I heard. Alice's face falls and she gives my Bella a sad smile. Those seem to be going around a lot today. I frown at myself for not ever really getting the meaning of a sad smile. Someone is telling you a big part of their life that has them sad and giving them a smile just seems so wrong. I don't get how a smile can give any comfort to the one who is pouring their heart out to you. Although, it can be comforting in ways, letting them know that it is okay to talk about.
"That song was something I finished shortly after she died. I had intentions of playing at her funeral, I couldn't do it. I ended up going to her grave a week after the service with my guitar and playing it for her."
"I don't think her parents would have understood, I think that they would have judged us for writing and singing about such things, but we never could have imagine…." Bella left the rest of that sentence unsaid, and we all knew that neither of them knew that one of them would have been leaving sooner than anyone ever expected.
"I want Brett to hear it one day. I think he would appreciate the finalized song." She said more to me than Alice.
"I think that he would love that. Who knows maybe you can go visit him sometime, or he could come here and see that you are hopefully happier now." I tell her as she smiles a little bigger this time. I only hope that I can keep her happy. She seemed so happy when she first got here, I can't imagine that she had all this sadness in her when I first met her.
"I think that is a good idea, and I am happy. I was before I left Phoenix, it's just thinking and talking about what happened makes me remember and it makes me sad."
"I can understand that. I am glad you decided to share that with me." I give her a chaste kiss before I turn to Alice, who now has tears in her eyes. I give her a questioning look.
"Bella, I can't imagine what going through that must have been like, if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on, I am always here." She tells Bella. Bella looks from me to my sister and gives her a warm smile.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. I would like to play something else for you both if you don't mind. No one has heard this except for me, well that is because I wrote this one. It is for Amanda too." She says as she gets up from my lap and picks the guitar back up. I honestly don't remember it getting put down, oh well. Alice and I both say sure and let her have at it.
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Hearing her sing this song, I could not imagine what it would take to write something so wonderful. There is so much meaning behind the words I am hearing. They affect me in a way I never thought something could.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
Those few lines hold more love than anything could have. Her best friend was surely someone who had a heart of gold, and to lose someone like that, who is close to you. This song was absolutely amazing, and I am stunned that Bella wrote it, and to hear her sing it is entirely different.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May Angels lead you in, May angles lead you in
After she stopped playing at just sat there staring at her like an idiot, my sister wasn't any better, she had tears in her eyes as she just stared at Bella. Bella started to blush and look down and fumbled with the guitar.
"I know it is not the greatest, but it holds…" I quickly cut Bella off by getting up quickly and putting my hand over her mouth.
"Bella, that song….is absolutely amazing. The words in that song convey something that nothing else ever could. I know she was your best friend, but that song lets whoever hears it know that she was truly an amazing person." I tell her to get her to understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the song.
"Thank you, for sharing that with us, Bella, you have a true talent. I think that you should keep writing songs, maybe do one for the talent show next month." Alice says a bit too overly enthusiastically. Bella blanches at what she says and I glare at my sister, and all Alice does is just shrugging her shoulders at me.
"I could never play in front of a lot of people like that, let alone a song that I have written. When I write it is a release for me. An escape from things going on, it is a way for me to get what I am feeling out on paper." Bella explains to us.
"It was just an idea, you don't have to, but your songs that you just played have meaning, and I think that a lot of people would benefit from hearing your songs. I understand your point though too." Alice says getting up to give Bella a hug and walks out of the room.
"You are truly talented. I mean that with every fiber of my being." I give her what is meant to be a chaste kiss, but gets deepened rather quickly. Bella struggles to get the guitar off her and down on the floor as I pull her back towards the couch that is in the room. Bella straddles my lap and then starts to kiss her way down my neck.
"Bella…" I moan and pull her face back up to mine so I can kiss her lips again. By this point I am already starting to get really, really hard. I know she notices because she starts to slowly grind her hips into me. The friction causes both of us to moan into each other's mouths. I pull my mouth away to let us both breath, and I continue to kiss my way down her neck and I pull her shirt to the side on her shoulder to kiss the base of her neck.
"Oh…Edward…" She moans and I feel myself get considerably hard at hearing my name fall from her lips. She starts to grind into me harder and I find myself thrusting my hips upwards to get as much friction as possible. If we keep this pace up I am going to blow a load in my pants. At this moment I don't seem to care either.
"Bella…sweet, sweet Bella..." I sigh and kiss my way back up her neck and find her lips again. She kisses me eagerly and with a force that is new to me. I pick her up by her hips and lay her down on the couch, with me coming down on top of her. I use my elbows to support some of my weight.
With this new position I find myself pushing down my hips as she pushes hers up in a hard thrust. The sensation that is going through me is making me come undone.
"Bella, I am going to cum…this is amaz…" I couldn't finish my mumbling, at that point Bella's hands snack up my shirt to rub along my chest. With the feel of her skin on mine and her thrust I know I won't last long.
"Edward…harder please…" Bella begs beneath me. I find myself thrusting harder and breathing heavier and hearing her mumble my name and other senseless things is pushing me closer to the edge.
"Bella, cum with me…" I coax and she thrusts up harder than before and we are both close now, I can sense it.
"Ed…ward…" She mumbles as she comes undone and with a few more grinds and thrusts I feel myself come undone moaning her name over and over.
I collapse on top of her spent and breathing heavily. I lay my ear over her heart as I listen to its erratic beating. We both lay like this for a few minutes while we come down from our high.
"That was fucking incredible." I mumble into her neck.
"I completely agree! I have never gotten off while dry humping before." She says with a small laugh. I couldn't help the smug grin that became plastered on my face at that comment.
"I am sorry if that was to fast or anything, I don't even know what happened." I say even though I am not the least bit sorry. I feel her laughing beneath me. That has to be a good sign right?
"Edward, I do think I was the one that actually started most of that. Believe me if I wanted to stop, I would have. It felt so right, I don't think it could possibly be wrong." She tells me as she gives my cheek a kiss. I slowly sat up and pulled her with me. As I get adjusted I released that we both are going to have to get cleaned up.
"Come on." I tell her and pull her off the couch, out the door and down the hall to my bedroom.
"I will be right back, make yourself comfortable." I tell her as I leave her sitting on my bed. I make my way to Alice's room.
"Alice, can I ask you a favor?" I say as I knock on her door. She comes and opens it and hands me a pair of new underwear.
"You two should really close the door next time, that room is only sound proof with it closed." She says with a laugh as she closes the door in my stunned face. I take the underwear and hope that they will fit Bella. I walk back into my room to see Bella looking at my cd and book collection that line my wall.
"Ummm… I went to get these from Alice, I hope they fit okay." I tell her and I can see her embarrassment, which probably matches mine at the moment.
"Thanks…What did you tell her?" She asks me.
"Well, I didn't tell her anything; I knocked on her door and asked for a favor. She opened the door and handed me these, and said we need close the door next time, that it is only sound proof with it shut." I tell her with a laugh. She just blushes and shakes her head and mumbles, "yeah closing the door would have been good."
"You can use my bathroom in here to clean up if you want, I will go to the one in the hall." I tell her as I take a clean pair of boxers out of my dresser and head towards the door.
"Okay, thanks." She says before walking into the bathroom. I head out to get cleaned up as well. I am sure dinner will be ready soon.
BPOV:
I can't believe I just poured my heart out in the past hour and a half. This is a huge step for me. I couldn't ever imagine telling someone that five months ago, let alone playing the songs for them. It was such a great release to share it with someone from the outside of things.
I miss Amanda horribly. I thought for a long time that it should have been me that died that night. She had a horrible feeling something was going to happen and I didn't let it bother me…
"I don't know Bella; I just have a bad feeling about going out tonight. I can't explain it." Amanda says
"Come on, what could possibly happen at dinner or with bowling?" I rolled my eyes as I asked her.
"Fine, but if something happens it is not on me!" She says sticking her tongue out at me.
"Sure, whatever you say!"
"Bella, if you drop the ball on your foot or fall down the stairs, I will say I told you so." She told me laughing now. She seems to have calmed down, knowing how prone to accidents I am is all that is bothering her.
"Come on, let's go get ready to go." I say grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the closet as I try to pick out something to wear for tonight. I trip over the blanket and we both bust up laughing.
"See, I am sure that was the thing that had you so worked up. It hurt liking fucking hell!" I say between laughs. After that we both relax and get ready for the evening….
I wonder if she really knew and was afraid to say more. I can't believe I talked her into going out. I have told Brett and Jake about this and they both said she was going to go regardless, it was just her time.
As I stand in Edwards's bathroom I can't help but let the tears fall from my face. As the tears fall freely I try to get myself cleaned up after the recent activities and thinking about them put a small smile on my face. A few seconds later as I am still continuing to get dressed I hear Edward in his room.
"Bella, are you almost done in there? Dinner will be ready soon." He asks from the other side of the door.
"Yeah, just give me a minute I will be out soon." I say as I wipe the last of my tears on the back of my hand. I turn on the cold water and splash it on my face. Without even looking in the mirror I walk out to Edward. It takes him all of two seconds to realize I was crying again and he had me in his arms.
"Baby, what's wrong? I am sorry if i….." He starts but I cut him off shaking my head vigorously.
"No! It wasn't that. I was just thinking about the night of the accident is all." I say wrapping my arms tightly around his waist and inhaling a scent that is all just him.
"Okay, do you need anything?" He asks squeezing me tighter.
"No, just hold me for a few more minutes, and then we can go downstairs." I say as I extend up on my toes to kiss his jaw. We stand just like that for a few more minutes before Alice appears in the door announcing that dinner is ready.
"It smells delicious in here." Edward says as we walk into the dining room and sit down.
"Thank you dear, how was your afternoon? I heard some music, it sounded beautiful Edward." Esme says to him. He shakes his head and looks at me and says,
"It was Bella playing, not me." I just look at him and blush.
"Well, Bella, you play extremely well." She says with a true smile on her face.
I blush even harder and look down and mumble my thanks. After that was said, we all dug in to the best homemade pizza I have ever tasted!
"That was so good, Mrs. Cullen." I tell her and she laughs and says it is a family recipe, but she scolded me and told me to call her Esme.
"So what are you going to be up to for the rest of the evening kids?" Dr. Cullen asks.
"Just going to hang out for a bit before I take Bella home for the night." Edward answers. Just as we got up to leave my cell phone starts to ring.
"Excuse me; I am going to be right back." I tell them all as I dig my phone out of my pocket and walk into the living room.
"Hey Kiddo, how was dinner with the Cullen's'?" My dad asked.
"It was great she made homemade pizza, how's work going?" I tell him while smiling.
"Busy actually, there was a bad accident on the highway and I am looking to be a lot later than I thought. Do you think I could talk to Carlisle or Esme about you staying there tonight?" He asks.
"Dad, I can stay at home by myself, it is not a big deal." As soon as I said it I hear Esme clear her throat and ask for the phone. Edward is standing behind her as well.
"Hello….No it is not a problem at all Charlie…I completely understand…We have a guest bedroom with her name on it anytime she needs it….Okay, we will make sure to get her stuff for the evening then…Alright, good bye." She hands me the phone and smiles and walks away.
"Dad?" I say into the phone unsure if he is still there.
"You're staying there tonight kiddo, it will give me some piece of mind." He explains.
"Someone will take you back to the house to get everything you need for the night and tomorrow."
"But Dad, I don't want to impose on them." At that point Edward is by my side telling me not to argue. Dad laughs and tells me to listen to him and just do what I am told.
"Fine Dad, I will stay. I will talk to you later, Love you." I tell him.
"Good, and thank you. I love you too, have a goodnight Bella." He says and then hangs up.
"So it looks like you're staying." Edward said giving me a quick kiss before taking off to get his keys for his car.
After Edward returned with his keys we head to my house to get my things for the night and stuff for school tomorrow.
"Okay kids, I want you to stay in your own rooms tonight, please." Dr. Cullen tells us before he exhales and says,
"Okay, I hope you listen but if not, no funny business in this house or it won't turn out good for either of you."
"It won't be a problem, I promise." I tell him as I head up the stairs to the guest room. Edward agreed shortly after me and followed me up the stairs.
"Well, I think I should give you a kiss goodnight before we head to bed." He smirks leaning in to kiss me. As soon as his lips touch mine I all but jump him. I threw my arms around his neck and wrapped my right leg around his and he stumbles backwards toward the wall. He laughs and then kisses me harder until we hear someone clear their throat behind us.
"You two seriously need to take that to a room before Mom or Dad sees." Alice screeches before going to her room and shutting the door. We both bust up laughing.
"Good night Edward." I say giving him a small kiss on his cheek before I turn to my room and shut the door.
"Night Bella, sweet dreams." He whispers before I hear his feet walk down the hall towards his room.
I fell asleep quickly and wish the dreams I had were sweet. I was reliving the accident over and over…The screams, the sirens, and the people.
"Bella, Bella…wake up!" I hear a soft voice talking to me.
"It's just a dream dear, wake up." Another voice. My eyes flutter open to see four sets of very concerned eyes looking down at me.
"Are you okay Bella? You were screaming pretty loud, what is wrong?" Dr. Cullen asked with concern. I just shook my head signaling I didn't want to talk about it. Edward looked like he was pained about something.
"Edward I am fine, I promise." I told him trying to comfort him a little. He didn't look convinced.
"I am just going to try to go back to sleep if you guys don't mind, I am so sorry I woke you all." I said looking down not meeting their eyes. They all said it wasn't a problem and that they hope I had a good night, they all walked out of the room then. The nightmares have stopped for a while; I think talking about it made them start up again. I am in for a long night of trying to get some sleep.
EPOV:
After hearing Bella scream I bolted upright in my bed, threw the covers off, and made a bee-line for the guest room. My Parents and sister were close behind me.
"Bella, wake up baby please!" I plead with her, not sure if I should touch her or leave her be, even though I ached to wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly to me.
"Bella, Bella…..wake up!" My mom tries pleading with her. Bella seems to be stirring a bit.
"It's just a dream dear, wake up." My mother tries again, and then Bella's eyes finally open. My Dad starts asking questions whether or not she was okay and trying to figure out what is wrong. I just stare at her. I hate to see the tears in her eyes, it pains me to see her so sad. She looks at me and automatically tells me she is okay and that she just wants to go back to sleep. I am not convinced.
We all tell her it wasn't a problem after she apologized for waking us. We tell her good night and we leave the room.
"Mom, Dad, do you mind if I stay in the guest room with Bella, in case she has another nightmare? Nothing will happen I promise, I just to make sure she is okay." I plead with my parents. My sister had already headed back to her room.
"Yes, but only this one time. The poor girl must have had some nightmare to scream like that." My mother said a little lost in thought. I keep trying to figure out what it could have been about, and if she will even tell me. I give my mom and dad a hug and tell them thank you before walking back into the guest room to sleep with my Bella.
"Hey, are you sure you are okay?" I ask as soon as I close the door behind me. She is curled up on the bed looking out the big window and it looks like she is still crying. I cross the room before she even answers me and pick her up in my arms. She clings to my shirt tightly and I just hold her.
"It was the accident, talking about it brought the nightmares back. I am so sorry for waking you all up." She tells me as she starts to pull away and wipe her tears.
"Baby, it is okay. We didn't mind, you just scared us is all. I am going to stay in here with you if you don't mind." I say gauging her reaction as to the situation. Her face was pretty emotionless.
"I will sleep on the floor; I just want to be…" I started to say, but she placed her fingers on my lips.
"It's fine, maybe with you holding me the nightmares will stay away." She leans forward and gives me a quick kiss before pulling me down beside her. She quickly snuggles into my side, putting her head on my chest and wrapping her arm around me. I wrap both arms around her and pull her closer. We both fall asleep pretty quickly. It was the best damn night sleep I have ever had, and Bella didn't wake up once after she fell asleep. The nightmares stayed away.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! I loved writing it! :D Please, please, please review : )
Those who do will get a preview of Chapter 12! Thanks and much love!
Songs:
"If I Die Young" The Band Perry
"Hear You Me" Jimmy Eat World