Hidden Wounds: Chapter 4

When Castle finally turned around from doing the dishes, he caught her watching him. She had been about to break off guiltily when she realized he was growing agitated under her gaze. Briefly, she wondered if she could make him angry enough to talk. Maybe it wasn't the best way to go about it… but she was out of ideas.

She forced herself to remain calm and continue her searching look. She kept her breathing even despite the racing of her heart.

Kate watched as Castle's hands clenched at his sides, one still gripping the towel. When a muscle ticked in his jaw, she thought he was close to breaking.

But then his entire body relaxed. He gave her a wolfish grin, and the next moment Kate watched, stunned, as he raked his eyes over her body. She gave a start as he threw the towel onto the counter and began to walk toward her, slowly, purposefully.

Kate felt she had stopped breathing, and all pretense of her cool and calm manner had disintegrated. Sudden images danced in her mind: Castle, sweeping her into his arms, Castle, fisting his hands in her hair, Castle, his lips warm and wet against her own.

And then…

He was walking past her, striding out of the kitchen and into his office. Kate could hear him opening his laptop, and then the steady tapping of his fingers on the keyboard.

Kate let out a long, slow breath and tried to calm her racing pulse.

She drew a shaking hand through her hair, and realized how tangled it was from sleeping on the couch. Kate sighed. She was a mess. In more ways than one.

This was the second time she had been sure she was about to get Castle to talk to her, and both attempts had ended in failure. Both had ended with Castle walking out of the room. She knew he was hurting. She knew he needed something, but she had no idea how to help him.

Kate pondered what to do. She needed him to talk to her, needed to make sure he knew she was there for him. Why was he avoiding her? She let out a frustrated breath. Why wouldn't he just talk to her?

As she thought this she tamped down the voice that began laughing at her. Aren't you the queen of avoiding difficult conversations? And now you want him to talk? Hypocrite, much?

Kate sighed again. She decided that maybe she was going about this the wrong way. No more indirect attempts.

Once Castle had made his decision he felt his whole body relax. First things first. He needed to disturb that calm demeanor of hers. He dropped the dish towel on the counter and gave Kate a wolfish grin, letting his gaze rake over her.

He saw her give a start, surprised by his obvious perusal of her body.

When he knew he had managed to unbalance her, he walked past her into the office, not even glancing back as he sat at his desk. He pulled out his laptop and opened his most recent file, and began typing away.

This time, she was going to come to him. He didn't want to have this conversation, and so if she wanted something, she was going to have to articulate it. He was going to play her role for a change, and she was going to have to play his.

He forced himself to work, just typing anything that came into his head. It probably wouldn't be worth anything in terms of the chapter he was working on, but he was more focused on keeping the tapping on the keyboard steady than perfecting each sentence.

Eventually he heard her moving in the other room. He wondered if she would come to him or decide to leave. He knew she wasn't working this weekend, but he half-expected her to offer work as an excuse to retreat.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught her presence as she moved to stand in the doorway of his office. He forced himself to keep his breathing even and forced his fingers to continue typing.

"Castle, we need to talk." Her tone was direct, and just shy of demanding.

He paused momentarily, and then continued typing as he responded. "I'm happy to talk, Kate. What would you like to talk about? The weather is always a nice topic."

"No, Castle. No more avoiding." She entered the room and moved closer, standing just in front of him. "I want to talk about what happened yesterday."

Castle stopped typing and looked at her for a moment. "I don't." He watched the surprise bloom on her face, and then watched as she immediately suppressed it.

"Castle, you need to talk about this. It's not good to bottle this stuff up inside."

"Speaking from experience, there, Kate?"

"I just mean, I'm here to help. To listen. I know what you're going through…"

Castle couldn't stop the angry exhalation. "You know what I'm going through? Really? How is that Kate? Tell me. What am I going through?"

Kate colored, and he wondered if she was embarrassed. "I just meant…the panic attack. I know what a panic attack looks like – "

Castle cut her off, "And feels like?"

Kate paused, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. She closed her eyes on a small sigh. "Yes, and what it feels like." She opened her eyes and trained them back on his. "I want you to know that you can talk to me. About what you're going through."

"Well, how nice." Castle tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice but couldn't quite contain it. "Would you like to tell me what you're going through, Kate? Would you like to talk about last summer? Or this past fall?"

"What? I-Castle, don't make this about me. I'm trying to help."

"Don't make this about you." The statement landed like lead.

"Kate, you told me you wanted space, that you needed time. I have given that to you. And since we have still not had a conversation about it, I assume you still want space and time. I did not demand that you talk to me about being shot" – he watched her flinch and felt a momentary pang of guilt – "and I have not pushed or forced you to tell me about your recovery. Now tell me. If you know what I'm going through, if what we're going through is so similar, how can it be that I must need to talk to you, when you never needed to to talk to me?"

Kate gaped at him, trying to figure out how she had gotten to this place in the conversation. One thing had become very clear. Castle was not going to open up to her about this.

Why did this bother her so much?

Because she had always felt that Castle trusted her completely. That she held the power in the relationship. He was waiting for her. She dropped her eyes, a feeling like humiliation working its way up her spine.

She realized that she had given him nothing. All summer, as she had worked through the pain, physical and emotional, she had clung to the fact that he loved her. Knowing that he was waiting had been a lifeline. The nightmares and paranoia had been intense, but she was able to get through it, was able to put one foot in front of the other, because she knew he was out there, somewhere, loving her.

She was suddenly painfully aware of her ruminations the night before, when she had, for the first time, seriously attempted to see the summer's events from his point of view.

She had hidden from him because she was broken, because she didn't want him to see her so broken. But she still had his support. All through her recovery, even though he wasn't physically there, she had leaned on her knowledge of how much he cared for her.

Now that she knew Castle had also been broken, she knew he had dealt with the aftermath of the trauma alone. Completely alone. He had no secret recollections of her declaration of love. He had no idea if she ever planned to return.

In fact, he had still believed she was with another man, that she was perhaps building an entire life with someone else, leaving him on the outside.

She needed to fix this. She couldn't lose him. She needed him to trust her. She needed him…

That was all, really. She needed him.

Although as soon as this thought crossed her mind, she realized it wasn't enough. It wasn't just that she needed him, it was that…

…she…

Kate steeled herself and forced herself to face the truth, a truth she had known for quite some time.

She loved him.

Oh god.

What had she done?

Her eyes flew back to his as panic set in.

Thank you to everyone for reading and for your kind words! Best, A.D.