Chapter: 5/?
Word Count: 5090
A/N: Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and alerts. As always the replies are on my Tumblr.
I felt very gleeful, pun intended, so I decided to experiment a little; so beware: this chapter will contain a mash-up.
To spoiler you a bit I'm warning you that next chapter will be a tribute.
This chapter's songs are Sia's "I'm In Here", My Chemical Romance's "I Don't Love You" and Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me".
Chapter IV
I'm In Here
Lima, 22nd February 2012
Having a surgeon as a dad had its perks. Being able to intimidate the interns and to have them indulge in her very whim when she was at the hospital to get in her father's good graces were only two of them. What she truly appreciated at the moment was the ability to know so well her way around; thus she had been able to return to this room unnoticed.
The visiting hours ended an hour ago and the others had gone home then. She had used the excuse of waiting for her father to remain there without problems.
I'm in here
Can anybody see me
Can anybody help?
She looked at the broken girl in the hospital bed. Tears started to flow freely down her cheeks dripping on the bouquet in her hands. Such beautiful flowers were so out of place there; they were meant to be a symbol of happiness, to adorn an already wonderful moment, not to brighten a gloomy hospital room. She threw them in the bin next to the door.
She pulled a chair near the bed and stationed herself there, intending to spend the whole night there. She had already sent a text to both her parents informing them she would not sleep at home; she would deal with the aftermath the following day. Now she had to be there for her friend.
She frowned; she couldn't understand where the hell Quinn's mother could be. Did their relationship grow so cold that she wouldn't take her time to stay at her daughter bedside? She mentally shrugged; it didn't matter. What mattered was that she at least was in here, so when the blonde woke up she would know that someone cared about her.
She took a pale hand between her tan ones letting them rest on the bedspread. Thinking that she could have lost one of the most important people in her life made her consider all that had happened in the last two months.
She laid her head on their entwined hands, a mass of black ringlets tickling her bare arms. The neon lights made the room appear as it was the scenery of an old black and white photo. Even the bright pink dress seemed to have lost its color and Santana looked ashen and weak.
And she truly was, she thought. She lifted her head and stared hard at Quinn.
"Q, please wake up." Her voice trembled. "You know I would never beg you if it was a normal situation, but it's not. So, please, wake up and…" She gulped down the lump in her throat. "You are really a great friend. I know I never really told you, but, other than B, you're the only one I can truly count on."
Her tears, which had never really subsided, were now flowing with renewed vigor. "I really need you, Q. I'm selfish, I know, but I need you to listen. This may be the only chance I've got to tell somebody this. I don't know if I will be able to find the strength to retell again all of this."
She ran a hand through her hair, ruffling them. Neither her nor the girl on the bed noticed. One too lost in her thoughts, the other just lost to the world.
I'm in here
A prisoner of history
Can anybody help?
"Where can I start? You know how often things are not what they appear…"
New York, October 2016
Santana took a deep breath to recollect her thoughts and began to describe the past five years of her life to the blonde.
Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness I cannot…
Live with inside of me
"I don't know if what I did can be described as selfless or as selfish instead. I think it was a bit of both, because if I had been selfless from the start I would have never gotten together with her. She could have done so much better than me." She saw the other girl roll her eyes at the statement, but she continued before she could get interrupted. "Don't give me that. It's not some self-hating crap. I'm not saying I left her because she was better than me. I'm saying that I stayed with her until the end of summer because I wasn't good enough." She spotted the frown on the blonde's face. "The moment we received our acceptance letters I knew we would have had to part ways, but I was too coward to do so. I preferred to live in bliss, feigning nothing would ever change."
"But a lot of couples have long distance relationships. You two could have made it work."
Santana shook her head. "No. We couldn't have. You know how Britt is. She is very touchy-feely. I would have gotten jealous, I would have said awful things without meaning them, and she would have gotten upset."
The blonde didn't seem convinced. "You can't build your life around maybes."
The answering smile she received was bittersweet, but she couldn't decipher the endless sadness behind chocolate eyes. "You know, Q. You're better at figuring things out than I gave you credit for."
The ex-cheerleader didn't appreciate the compliment. "Stop making a fool of me. You can't expect me to accept these lines you're feeding me. I know you better than that."
The brunette clenched her still shaking hands until the knuckles turned white and turned her head to stare out the window. A young couple was walking hand in hand, stopping from time to time to kiss each other on the lips.
"You keep forgetting something, Q. You may know me well, but I know…" She corrected herself. "…I knew Brittany better. Better than you, even better than herself. I knew how she is when she loves someone, so I could predict how she would behave. She would have given up her dream for me."
Quinn interjected again. "But, maybe, you were her dream."
"I know I was." That admission followed by a desolate smile shocked the blonde into silence. "But I was a temporary one. Dancing had always been her one true passion; I couldn't bring myself to take that from her. I loved her so much." She chuckled. "I still love her so much." A lone tear fell down brimming brown eyes. "This may be all bullshit to you, but it's the truth for me." The Latina diverted her eyes, conscious of what she left out, to stare at her trembling hands. "I did a favor to everyone. I didn't extinguish her fire. This way she had been able to burn brighter than ever before. She danced with Beyoncé. She is living her dream."
Quinn was stupefied by the other woman knowledge. "How do you know?"
"Everybody does." A shrug followed the answer. "And I am living mine." She clenched her jaw at the tightening of her chest she felt and she gulped down the bile she could feel raising to her throat at the blatant lie. She hoped her friend wouldn't notice.
"You don't seem happy." The blonde commented objectively, without malice. "Don't judge a book from its cover." She tried to lift plump lips into a smirk, but the result was more of a grimace. "I am a partner in a major law firm. I have money. I am everything I had always wanted to be: successful, powerful."
The other woman didn't seem convinced in the least, "Sometimes love is not enough." But she let it go. "You should understand."
"Because of my daughter?"
"Also." The widening of hazel eyes showed she comprehended perfectly what Santana just implied. "You keep forgetting that I know you well."
Ignoring the unspoken words Quinn solicited. "Why did you leave her that way? I can understand your reasoning. I'm not saying I agree with you, however I can see where you come from. But why did you say those horrible things? Why leave on such a bad note? She was a mess afterwards." The blonde had tears in her eyes recalling those moments. Santana's heart broke again hearing how much pain she put the love of her life in. "You could have stayed friends."
"That's exactly why I did it." A bewildered expression stared back at her.
"What do you mean? It doesn't make sense."
A sad knowing smile appeared on a tan face. "One day you'll understand." The brunette continued before Quinn could enquire more about that statement. "And anyway a heart has to break completely before it can be mended again. I gave her the chance to be happy again someday."
"And what about you? You said that you still love her. Now things are different. Why didn't you try to-"
She interrupted. "Because they are not." Sensing that the answer wasn't enough she resumed. " And because I can't be the one to mend it."
That seemed to satisfy the blonde, but brought other questions to the surface. "Why didn't you tell me anything back then? I could have been your friend during those past years."
"Because I needed you to watch over her. If you knew about my intentions, you would have tried to sway me. You are a romantic soul, Quinn Fabray, don't deny it."
The pale woman blushed. "Look, she's blushing! How precious!" Small smiles emerged on both their faces.
"Why did you tell me now? I heard what you said before, but…" She trailed off.
I'm crying out
I'm backing down
I am feeling it all
Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?
"Because I had to let it all go." Treacherous tears sprung back in her eyes, blinding her for a second. "Because you are the only link left in my present to my past." As if sensing something important happening the blonde was moved by the Latina's words and her hazel gaze was turning shinier every second ticked by. "Because it was time to give you this."
After rummaging through her purse Santana gave the blonde an envelope and quickly retracted her hand. When Quinn opened it, a key fell on the table. "It's the key to my heart. Keep it safe. You're are the only person, other than her, whom I would trust it with." She dissolved possible questions with a shake of her head. "All in due time. One day everything will be clear." The other woman nodded in acceptance.
Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness I cannot…
Live with inside of me
At the end of her tale both had tears in her eyes.
"That's it… So am I forgiven?" The Latina asked with a tentative smile.
Lima, 22nd February 2012
Santana woke up because someone was shaking gently her shoulder. She could recognize that kind smile anywhere; it was her father. "Mija, why don't you go home to rest? If anything changes I will call you."
She shook her head. "I want to stay here to let her know that I care about her, that she's one of my best friends. I don't know if I'll be able to say all those things another time."
His smile turned sad. "Mija."
"No, papa. I decided. I want to know. Life is unpredictable, but I want to know that I can choose what I do with it. I can't live waiting for that moment to take it all away. Like it happened with Quinn."
Warm arms enveloped her from behind and she let herself break down.
I'm in here
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
"I want to let the people I love know how much they mean to me. I want her. But most of all I want her to be happy. I want…" She trailed off and turned tear-filled eyes to her father for reassurance, but he was crying too.
"Daddy…" She whispered.
"Don't worry. Everything will be okay." He whispered little nothings in her ear until she fell asleep. That night she slept cradled in her father's arms.
New York, November 2016
Rachel was on cloud nine, as always after a performance. And it was an astonishing representation if she must assert so herself. Distinguished people were socializing around her and probably having conversations revolving around her incomparable talent.
She had just spotted an acquaintance from her college days when someone grabbed her arm, directing her towards the balcony. Once outside she freed herself from the strong grip and turned on her heels ready to lecture the rude person on the prominence of politeness and personal space when the sight in front of her rendered her speechless.
Her kidnapper smirked, amused at the implication. "Did I finally succeed to shut you up, Berry? Wait. Is there a mute button on your arm? If I had knew back then that manhandling you was the solution, I would have done so without remorse and stopped your endless monologues…"
This shook the woman out of her trance. "I'll let you know that my monologues are not endless, but on the contrary they reach the point using a rightful amount of words. Furthermore…" The raised eyebrow she received in response made her speech die at the beginning.
The shorter girl sighed in frustration, her good mood already a long gone memory as it often happened when the Latina was involved. "Santana. I can't honestly assert that I'm thrilled to see you again after…" She made a show of reflecting on the amount of time passed after they last saw each other. "…Five years, right?" Santana nodded and diverted her eyes.
As if suddenly clicked in the diva's mind, her demeanor changed completely, eyes cold and words furious. "I know what you're doing here. You can't just waltz back in here." She tried to keep her fury at bay, aware that people might notice the commotion if she raised her voice. "Can't you let it go? You already caused a disaster, there is no need to make everything worse."
The other girl, even if surprised at the outburst, had none of it and replied with a frown at the accusations. "What the fuck are you talking about? I just wanted to compliment you for the performance, not that you ego need more inflating or you might burst."
Rachel had the decency to look embarrassed for a second. "Oh. Thanks. You didn't know…"
"Know what?"
Realizing her slip she started berating the Latina. "Nothing. And anyway you can't expect me to welcome you back with open arms."
"As if I wanted a hug from you…" Santana snorted.
The shorter woman chided with an eye-roll. "You know what I intended to say."
She amended. "Yeah. I know. You aren't the first person to say so."
That sentence piqued Rachel's interest. "Who?"
After weighting her options for a second she replied truthfully. "Quinn." Just because she couldn't be fixed, it didn't mean that those two couldn't tighten again their ties. They had their whole lives in front of them to make up for past mistakes.
The diva blanched and stared hard into her eyes as if they held all the answers. So she added. "She's here, you know." She shrugged as if that piece of information wasn't pivotal. "I asked her to accompany me. At first I wasn't aware you were the star of the show. Then I hoped to run into you at the party."
Chocolate eyes became frantic trying to locate a head of blonde hair.
"She cried during the whole performance." That detail didn't placate Rachel in the least; rather made her more apprehensive.
With a fleeting glance she tried to convey her displeasure to the taller woman. "You had no right." Her feelings were a mess. "You…I-I…" She gave up on trying to explain herself.
"I'll leave you two alone." Santana made to leave.
"What?" The brunette wasn't aware of Quinn approaching from behind her.
With a last glance in the blonde direction and a nod, the Latina left the couple alone.
The last word she heard was a breathless whisper. "Quinn…" She returned inside to the party intending to find a glass of champagne to calm her frazzled nerves. With a trembling hand she brought the bubbly drink to her lips, but it did little for her state of mind. The reunion had surfaced memories long buried.
Lima, 12 September 2012
She had spent all the night writing that letter. It had been the hardest thing she had ever done. Leaving it at Brittany's house had been the easier part. The blonde was at the dance studio as every Wednesday afternoon, so she had told Mrs. P. she had forgotten something in her room and laid the piece of paper on the bed in plain sight. Before exiting she hugged the older woman she had known practically all her life and ruffled the kid's hair to her annoyance. She didn't have to bend to see the blond pest eye-to-eye; she was tall like all the members of the Pierce clan. "Look out for your sister, will ya?" With a last wave of her hand she forsook her second home leaving the two inhabitants puzzled at her behavior.
Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay,
And maybe when you get back,
I'll be off
To find another way
She had already packed all her belonging in her car, she had just to say goodbye to her parents and then she was ready to leave for good.
She walked at a leisurely pace, admiring the streets of Lima for a last time. Even if she had hated the small city with a passion, she was sure she would miss it a little bit; after all she had also good memories of the people living there.
She stopped at the park on her way home. She had met the blonde there by the pond when they were little.
At five she was a true terror and she would use every expedient to cause mayhem and destruction. Not that growing up she got better… Anyway she had just escaped her mother's surveillance when something near the water caught her attention. A lone duck was sleeping ashore, the light reflecting on her feathers.
She stared at it for a bit, but soon got bored and decided to poke it with her finger. The animal, startled, shook its wings and started to wobble away. She followed it finding amusement in the way it walked and continuing to nudge it every time it stopped. After a couple of times, however, the creature had enough and with a quack of warning began its attack. She was saved from the pecks by the approach of a blond kid with breadcrumbs in her hands.
"Hey, ducky!" She called and the animal calmed immediately, eating the food from her palms. Once satiated it wobbled happily towards the shore and began to swim away.
The youngster turned her attention to Santana and offered a greeting with a crooked smile; she was missing a front tooth. "Hi, I'm Brittany."
"Santana." She mumbled and when her chocolate eyes met blue ones the duck wasn't the only one charmed by this girl.
She shook herself out of reverie and walked the rest of the way home at a quicker pace.
She was ten feet away from her front door when she heard the rapid footsteps of someone running in her direction. Thinking it was one of her neighbors jogging she didn't look up. The desperate shout she heard however stopped her in her tracks. "San!"
She didn't turn and closed her eyes to stop the tears that otherwise would run down her cheeks. She had hoped to be already gone by the time her girlfriend got home. When a delicate hand closed around her arm, she tensed even more, her back straight as a railroad. With a mental scream of frustration she wore a cold mask of detachment.
When you go
And would you even turn to say,
I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday
To the outside she appeared as if unaffected by the girl in front of her while inside she was crying and pleading for forgiveness.
"What!" She barked.
The blonde face crumpled completely and whereas she was crying before now she started to sob fully. Her resolve almost broke at the heart-wrenching scene, but she remembered that it was for the best.
"I-I found t-this…" Brittany's sobs were so loud that her voice trembled too much and she had to gulp a couple of times to finish the sentence. "…letter." She held up the hand holding the rumpled paper, but it shook so much that the page fell on the pavement at their feet. "I don't understand." She lifted the now free hand to Santana's face and tried to bring her close with the one still wrapped around a tan arm, but the Latina broke free with yank.
"As always." The brunette snorted as if amused by the comment.
"What did I do?" Brittany was becoming more and more frantic. "I can change, baby. Please. We-" She was interrupted.
"Didn't you read the letter? Was it too complicated for you?" A sneer enforced the insult.
A broken whisper escaped chapped lips. "You don't mean that…"
"Maybe I do."
"How can you be so mean? That's not you, San. Please. You're hurting me." Santana's heart broke with every pained whisper coming from the blonde, but she had to keep up the charade. She loved her too fucking much.
"Maybe that's me. I was trying to let you down gently." She bent to pick up the letter with affected slowness.
I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many times have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken
She made a show of smoothing down the creases and cleared her throat before starting to read aloud.
"Dear Brittany, blah blah blah… Oh, here it is: it's for our own good if we end our story here and go to separate ways. We're going to be too busy with building our careers and it's better to leave on a good note, than a bad one. You're too good for me and I don't want to make you settle for less than you deserve. Blah blah…Love you, Santana."
Brittany wasn't swayed and tried again to take her hand to no avail. "You're the one I want. I know you're scared of the future and that you hide behind all the meanness, but we can make it together. We are meant to be!" And she believed those words with all her heart; the Latina could see it in the way she gesticulated with her hands and in the way her eyes, even if red from all the tears shed, lightened when talking about the two of them together.
Santana closed her eyes for a second preparing herself for what was coming next. The blonde took it as a good sign and she positioned even closer to her lover. When a black glacial stare pierced her, she scrambled back, scared by the change. She had never been on the receiving end of such hateful glare from Santana.
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
"How can you be so stupid? I had put up with you because I was trapped in this hellhole, but now that I'm finally free I can leave you and never see your face again. I don't love you. And certainly I don't need you, Brittany. Never did. Never will. It was fun while it lasted." She put the letter in the stunned blonde's hand, closing long fingers around it and spun to go inside her house. She didn't turn when she heard her love break down and fall to the ground. With her back to the girl a stream of tears ran freely down her cheeks. Once inside she put a trembling hand on the door and leaned her head against it. Through the window beside it she could glimpse the dancer crawling to her feet and running away at a mad pace. She wasn't watching where she was going, the tears obscuring her vision, so she ended tumbling to the ground a couple of times, scratching her arms and palms without notice.
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating,
But baby when they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay
The brunette almost went to her aid when she saw that, but stopped with a hand on the doorknob. She held the other hand to her chest as if it could lessen the hurt she felt inside. She sent a quick text to Quinn telling her to go to Brittany's house.
When the blonde disappeared from her view she turned, noticing for the first time her mother frozen in the hallway. She had realized what happened outside. Seeing a sad expression on that face so similar to her own made Santana break down completely. "Oh, mija."
She took three steps before collapsing in a warm and familiar embrace.
"Mami." She sobbed. "I-I…"
The older woman silenced her gently while rocking them back and forth. "Shh. I know, mi querida. Shh."
"I love her so much." She whispered between tears.
"I know."
"Lo siento. I hurt her. I hurt her so much." She was bawling at this point. "She hates me now. I can't live knowing that." Her breathing was labored.
"Oh, Mija. One day she will understand." She kissed the crown on her head, running her hands through long dark hair. "Ssh. Let it out. You'll feel better."
Her daughter shook her head. "No, I won't. I won't ever feel better without her."
"Ssh." Her shirt was drenched with tears but she paid it no mind.
She hummed softly an old lullaby she used to sing to Santana when she was little. After few minutes the broken girl was asleep.
New York, November 2016
After two hours of mindless mingling with the other guests, enough to make her senior partner happy, she stepped outside to take a breath of fresh air. She looked up at the night sky; she couldn't see the stars in New York. If there was one thing she missed of Lima was the clear night sky that allowed her to see billions of stars blinking above her. It always made her feel less alone.
She was pulled from her musings by a warm hand on her arm.
It was Rachel. "Don't think you are off the hook after what you did before."
She snorted. "You have chosen the wrong person if you think you can be intimidating"
The shorter woman took the comment in stride. "How can you be so selfish? Meddle with other people's lives without remorse."
She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "I didn't see anyone storm out in a diva fit and Quinn even hugged me before when she went home."
Berry scoffed. "That's not the point. You can't act all high and mighty and play with our lives." She was starting to raise her voice.
Santana, however, responded evenly. "I'm not playing with your lives. I'm doing the right thing."
A sneer followed the statement. "Like you did with Brittany."
At the jab she clenched her jaw trying to reign in her temper. "That's different." She diverted her gaze, staring at the city's skyline.
"Look at me when you talk, Santana. At least you could make what you're saying believable"
She stared down at her interlocutor. "I'm telling you the truth."
"That's different." The diva mocked. "How is it different? Hurting people brings you pleasure?"
"Fuck off." The Latina warned through gritted teeth.
"Do you start your day thinking about whom you're going to make a fool of?"
She didn't reply, but clenched her fists even tighter until the knuckles turned white.
Rachel was on a rampage. "Today you thought: let's mess up with Rachel and Quinn."
"I did you a favor."
"Oh. How magnanimous of you! You thought that we could forget our divergences and move on happily."
"Yes, okay. I thought you two could have another chance; you just needed a push in the right direction." Santana replied truthfully.
The other brunette had none of it. "You may have been right in this circumstance and Quinn might have forgiven you, but I didn't. I still consider you a liar and a manipulator."
She stood in her space, preventing her from moving away. "You can't play God and choose what to do with other people's lives!"
"I do not!" They were practically screaming in each other faces now.
"One day you woke up and decided that you were going to break Brittany's heart."
"It's not how it went!"
They were panting from the effort. "Today you chose to meddle with mine and Quinn's."
"It's different!"
"I don't see how!"
"It doesn't matter what you think!"
"It does! Why?"
She bit her tongue to prevent herself from assaulting the diva.
They were so close they could count their eyelashes. The other girl continued to shout undeterred. "Why is it different? Why?"
"Because I'm dying!" Realizing what she had admitted the Latina blanched.
She turned to run before Rachel had the chance to utter a word.
When you go
And would you even turn to say,
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
Luckily their scene went unnoticed. She was near the sliding doors leading inside when Rachel caught up with her and stopped her with a hand on her arm.
She whispered. "Santana…"
"Not now, Berry. Please." She begged. The brunette, sensing her desperation, let her arm drop to her side.
She spun again to leave when the person that had just crossed the doorway caught her attention. Her breath was knocked out of her body as if someone had punched her in the gut. Fate had a very twisted sense of humor.
Chocolate eyes fixated on cold blue.