Hidden Wounds: Chapter 5

Castle could have kicked himself. He had wanted to turn the tables, but he hadn't meant to let all of his pent-up frustration spill out. Quite the opposite – his goal had been to keep working and to keep his mouth shut and let her scramble to find words for once.

Well… it had worked…sort of. She appeared to be completely at a loss for words.

But when her eyes had returned to his he saw panic set in.

She was going to run again.

Castle steeled himself for the pain of yet another rejection. He briefly pondered trying to put her at ease, but realized he had gone too far. There was no going back.

So he watched her solemnly, waiting to see what she decided to do.

When she turned and headed toward the door he felt ice shoot through his veins. He wanted to beg her to stay with him, wanted to beg her to fight for him, just once. But he knew he couldn't do that. He was supposed to be the rock. He was the one who gave strength, not the one who needed it.

And then…

Instead of leaving, Kate turned just shy of the door and began pacing, still in his office.

If she had been watching him she would have seen that it was his turn to gape at her.

She hadn't left.

At least… not yet…

Castle schooled his features back to normal and watched her pace. She looked like a caged lion, all pent-up energy and no idea how to escape her captivity.

Eventually she stopped, facing away from him. He could see her long, slender fingers twitching in agitation as she thought. She took a deep breath as though gathering courage. Castle anxiously wondered what the courage was for.

Slowly she turned and faced him, her solemn eyes seeking his. They looked at each other a long moment.

Kate moved back to him, until she was once again right in front of his chair. He looked up at her uncertainly, wondering what she was going to do next.

Kate's heart was pounding so loudly she was sure Castle could hear it from where he was sitting. The panic that began to fill her when she finally accepted the truth about her feelings for him had practically exploded in her chest when she forced herself to acknowledge what she had done to him. It was too much… she couldn't breathe…

And Castle… he looked…heartbroken. She had to move.

Kate had forced her eyes away from Castle's, forced herself to walk, just to expend some of the energy racing through her.

She felt helpless, and more than a little lost. But she knew she needed to give him something. He had been giving and giving for years now. He gave willingly and unselfishly, never expecting or demanding anything in return.

As she paced she contemplated what he said. Why had she never spoken to him about the shooting? Or the months of working toward recovery?

Because she wanted to be strong. She wanted him to see her strong and whole, not broken and terrified.

He was wrong, though. She did need to talk to him. But she was afraid he would think less of her. Their relationship had been founded on the fact that she challenged him, that she didn't back down, and she was afraid that revealing her weakness would mean she wasn't the person he thought she was.

That she might not be the person he loved.

That he might be in love with a Kate Beckett that didn't really exist.

Suddenly she stopped.

What if he felt the same way?

Kate took a minute to allow this new thought to grow.

What if he also felt he needed to be strong and whole, that he couldn't allow her to see his weakness because it might change her vision of him?

If that was true, what could she do? She would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation if she hadn't been so emotionally involved.

And what if she was wrong? What if Castle was in love with strong Kate Beckett, and didn't want to have anything to do with the mess that was the real Kate Beckett?

Kate took a long, slow breath. No, she thought, it's my turn to give.

She was finally going to give him something. And if it turned out she was wrong, that he really only wanted the façade of a strong Beckett, then she would have to handle that when it happened.

Kate turned, and looked at him for a long moment.

No more hurting him out of fear.

Gathering her nerve, Kate moved forward.

Kate leaned forward and gently took his laptop from his lap. He had completely forgotten it until she moved. He sat up a little straighter in his office chair as she placed it on the desk, and then turned back to him.

Nothing in his wildest dreams would have prepared him for what she did next.

In one graceful movement she softly placed her hands on his and kneeled down in front of him. She bowed her head for a moment and Castle was afraid to breathe as her thumbs gently stroked over the back of his hand.

"Castle, I-"

Her voice caught, and he held himself perfectly still, careful not to startle her. When she raised her eyes to his they were shimmering with tears.

"Rick. You are right. You are absolutely right. I haven't been fair-"

Castle began to protest but she went on, refusing to let him cut her off.

"I haven't been fair. And you deserve so much better than me-"

"Kate, I-"

"No, Castle, please listen to me. You deserve better than what I have given you. And you are always…you always give me what I need."

She paused…

"I have to…tell you something."

Here she cut off, looking down again. He saw tears spill down her cheeks, and she took one of her hands away to hastily wipe them on her shirtsleeve before returning it to his.

"I… I remember what happened. When I was shot. I remember the whole thing."

She raised her eyes to his again, squeezing his hands tightly.

"I remember what you said. I have always remembered. I never forgot. I remembered from the moment I woke up."

Castle felt frozen, numb. He had known. He had known since he had first seen her awake in the hospital. He knew when she told him that some things were best not remembered. He tried to figure out how he felt about hearing it, about having his knowledge confirmed, but he mostly felt empty.

"I lied to you, Rick." The tears started flowing again, but she didn't bother to wipe them.

"There is…there is no excuse for that."

"I want-" Her voice caught again but she went on. "I want to tell you why I lied. Roy had been a father figure, and finding out that he…that someone I had trusted so much…someone I thought I knew… was tangled up in my mother's murder…"

She took another breath and continued.

"Then I was shot."

Castle flinched, and started to pull away, but he felt Kate grip his hands more tightly, making soothing circles with her thumb just as he had done with her when he had dropped off Royal at her apartment.

"I remember what it felt like. The bullet ripping through me. It was like the world exploded in pain. I remember feeling you slam into me and knock me to the ground. The pain was so intense that I was confused. I couldn't concentrate enough to really figure out what had happened, I just knew I was in pain, that I couldn't breathe."

Castle felt himself begin to shake with the memory. He couldn't stop the memories from flashing through his mind, and he could feel tears stinging his own eyes.

"Then all I could see was you. Your face leaning over mine. Your eyes. God, Rick," Kate's eyes closed briefly, and then opened back to his, "your eyes were terrified. I've never seen that look in your eyes."

Kate brought her hand up to his face, and slowly wiped away a tear he hadn't realized had leaked out.

"And then you said you loved me. Everything began to swim after that, I wasn't sure what was real anymore. There were brief flashes of pain and light. I remember a ceiling, and the beeping of a heart monitor, and then nothing. Nothing until I woke up."

Castle leaned into Kate's hand on his cheek, needing to feel her.

"Those first days were…hard. I was hurting, physically and emotionally. I was weak. I couldn't do anything for myself, and I felt…"

"…I felt broken."

Kate paused, and gave his cheek another caress before returning her had to his. Her eyes left his and focused on their joined hands. He immediately missed its warmth on his face.

"And then there was Josh."

Castle jerked as if slapped, but she kept her hold strong on his hands, not letting him go.

"You came in when we were talking. And…"

Kate stopped.

"What, Kate?" he prompted, needing her to go on.

"This isn't going to be easy to hear. Or to say."

Castle squeezed her hands, giving her silent support. "Tell me. Please." He said simply. Kate nodded.

"When I saw you the first time, your eyes…they still looked terrified. They were still haunted. And suddenly it was as though I was back in the cemetery, back on the ground. I couldn't separate you from what had happened." Kate began to sob, her head dropping to his lap.

"Oh, Kate." He allowed himself to put an arm around her, awkward because of their position, rubbing circles on her back as she sobbed.

"It's okay, Kate, you had just been shot."

"No, it's not okay." She suddenly straightened back up, a fierce light in her eyes.

"I ran away from you because I didn't want you to see how much of a mess I was. I was paranoid and terrified of everything and so broken I couldn't even tell what was real from what was a flashback. And I kept running, even after I came back."

"Because I was the one that caused you to flash back. I was triggering the PTSD."

"No, Rick. That first time, maybe, but pretty much anything would set it off in the beginning. I ran away from you because I was a coward."

Castle looked at her in shock.

"I lied to you because I thought…I didn't want you to know that the person you said you loved was a damaged, terrified, mess. You fell in love with Detective Beckett, cool, calm, in control Detective Beckett. You wrote Nikki Heat from Detective Beckett. But Detective Beckett, she doesn't really exist. When you look at me, Rick, you look at me like you think I can conquer the world. I want to be that person for you. I don't want you to look at me with the terror I saw that day I was shot. I don't want to let you down."

Kate leaned forward slightly, the intensity of her gaze heating, and Castle couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"But I did let you down. I left you. I didn't realize it at the time. You always give me what I need, and I didn't even stop for one second to consider what you needed."

Kate brought one hand back to cup his face, her fingertips just sliding into his hair and he suppressed a shudder at the feel of her fingertips on his scalp. "I am so sorry. I want to give you what you need. Just…just tell me what you need. If you need to talk, I will listen. If you need to yell, well, I probably deserve it. Even if you need me to leave you alone, I will… I will try…"

Castle stared at her, in awe of her strength. She had finally done it. She had finally opened up to him. He knew this was a show of trust, and he also knew the enormity of how difficult it must have been to make herself so vulnerable. And yet she had done it.

For him.

Castle felt as if the whole world were expanding, the resulting space letting in a rush of air around him.

She was still watching him…waiting…waiting for what?

Castle forced himself to bring his thoughts back into focus from the exhilaration of this moment.

Oh…right…she wants to know what I need.

He needed so many things.

She was sitting so close, her hand still in his hair and her eyes, uncertain, on his. He could feel her breath on his face. And suddenly the months of holding back, of giving her space, were too much. He needed…

He needed her. Since he had watched her die in his arms he had needed to feel her. He needed to feel she was alive.

Castle decided to take the risk. Quickly closing the distance between them, pressed his lips to hers.

Thank you again to everyone for reading, and thank you for the thoughtful reviews. I know it's been a bit angsty, but they have some heavy stuff to work through. Don't worry, though - it can't stay angsty forever! Best, A.D.