Hidden Wounds: Chapter 7
When Kate finally made it into her apartment she let herself sink down on her couch for a moment. She felt feverish, flushed. The last twenty-four hours had been an emotional roller coaster.
She needed a bath. That would help.
After giving herself a few moments to collect her thoughts, Kate gathered some supplies and started running the hot water in the bathtub. As the tub filled, she wandered around her bedroom, grabbing a change of clothes.
Heading back to the bathroom, Kate stripped off yesterday's clothes and sank into the tub, letting out a grateful moan as the hot water covered her and began to relax her tense muscles. She let her head tip back against the edge of the tub, closing her eyes and reflecting on everything that had happened.
She had kissed Castle.
Oh, god.
Just the thought of it made her feel flushed again. It had been a good kiss.
Kate rolled her head forward, groaning. It would be complicated. Everything would be complicated. And she had kissed him. Granted, he had kissed her first, but she had made a conscious decision to kiss him.
And then she had climbed into his lap.
Kate groaned again. There was no mis-interpreting that, no explaining it away. She was going to have to deal with it. She couldn't sweep this under the rug. Castle's face when he thought she was just going to leave had been heartbreaking. She couldn't keep pushing him away. She couldn't hurt him like that anymore.
A thought flashed in Kate's mind that had her suddenly sitting up in the bathtub, sloshing water dangerously close to the edge.
Castle had never talked.
She had opened up, showed him her weakness, tried to give him what he needed, and he had still managed to keep quiet. She still didn't truly know what was going on with him, still didn't know what he needed. But something was not right – her detective's instincts were flaring.
Once again she had gotten caught up in her own feelings, her own pain, and had let him get away with keeping his own hidden. Kate sighed and sank back down in the bath until the water covered her up to her chin, pulling comfort from the enveloping warmth.
Kate had only been gone a few minutes before Castle began planning dinner. It wasn't even lunchtime yet, but he wanted everything to be perfect. He pulled out cookbooks and opened cabinets to see what ingredients he had available.
Kate was coming to dinner.
Kate had kissed him. Voluntarily. In real-life, not some strange undercover-possibly-slightly-real-life-but-not-really-real-life-life. She had kissed him and was coming back. To spend time with him. Just him.
Suddenly a thought occurred to him that had his hands stilling he pulled out a jar of pesto to check the ingredients.
Kate would want to talk.
Oh.
Castle turned away from the pantry and looked at his empty apartment. The quiet seemed to settle around his shoulders with a heaviness for which he was unprepared. He wasn't ready.
She had finally opened up to him, finally allowed him into her personal zone. He was amazed and humbled and honored.
But she would expect him to do the same. She deserved for him to do the same. In fact, as he thought about it, it wasn't fair for him to continue to try to advance this relationship – a relationship he desperately wanted – if he wasn't willing to let her in.
Castle stared into space, seeing nothing in front of him.
He wasn't sure he could do it. It had been hard enough keeping himself from getting lost in his memories as he listened to her recount the summer's events; he felt certain that telling her his side of the story would mean re-living the events himself. And so far, any time he allowed himself to get close to those memories he found himself a useless wreck, frozen with terror. He didn't think he could do it. He wasn't sure he could actually speak about it.
She had finally revealed her secret – that she remembered his confession – but it was a secret he had known she was keeping. It hurt, but he wasn't surprised by it. He had even already forgiven her. Well, mostly, anyway.
He, however, had a secret she certainly wasn't aware of. His continued investigation of her mother's case would completely blind-side her. This would be the second time he betrayed her confidence in this way, investigating her mother's murder behind her back. Would she still trust him?
Not to mention the fact that if he told her the truth it was likely she would run headlong into danger. The fact that he had been keeping this from her may even provide the catalyst for her to do something reckless. She was often reckless when she was upset.
Castle left the kitchen and walked into his office, calling up Beckett's mother's case on the big screen. He stared at Beckett's face, enlarged front and center. Castle realized he had begun to call her Beckett in his head any time he thought about her in connection with this case. He supposed it was a defensive reflex to distance himself from her in this situation.
He had chosen a fairly innocuous photo – one he had taken on his camera phone. It looked so normal, so ordinary against the backdrop of information and suspects about her mother's murder. He marveled at how beautiful she was. Inside and out. It was amazing to him to see how the murder board starkly contrasted such strong beauty with such heartless cruelty.
He suddenly felt very tired.
Castle switched off the monitor. He allowed himself a few more moments to gather his thoughts, and then headed back to the kitchen to finish planning dinner.
Whether or not he was ready to face this, Kate would be back tonight. The least he could do was prepare a meal to remember. Especially since it may turn out to be a night they would both rather forget.
Several hours later, Kate stood outside of Castle's apartment, gathering her courage before knocking on the door. Her lips quirked in amusement at the fact that she had performed a similar ritual less than twenty-four hours earlier, when she had been checking on Castle after his panic attack.
She felt very close to a panic attack herself.
Castle was her partner and her friend. Even without the recent complications in their relationship, he was a part of her. He was family.
She wasn't fooling herself. There was a lot at stake. She felt hesitant and uncertain.
Kate forced herself to stand still and resist her instinct to run away. She would not be a coward. She was going to face this. Hopefully, they were going to face it together.
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
Castle would never have admitted it, but he was extremely nervous. He had spent the afternoon planning the meal, and although he had settled for something rather traditional he hoped the comfort food aspect of the menu might help calm both their nerves.
He had decided on a chicken penne pasta with tomatoes, spinach, and mushrooms in a white wine cream sauce. He had some fresh French bread toasting in the oven with a little brush of butter and parmesan cheese, and he had selected a nice red wine to compliment the meal. Everything was mostly prepared and waiting for the finishing touches.
Now all he needed was the guest of honor. He began pacing. They hadn't really set a time, but it was moving toward evening and he knew she would be getting hungry soon. He knew her so well.
He made himself take a few calming breaths, inhaling through his nose and exhaling out his mouth. The apartment was once again exceptionally quiet, like the calm before the storm.
A knock sounded at the door, startling him from his attempt at meditation.
Castle forced himself to walk to the door at a normal pace. He opened the door, planning to start with some witty quip or other, but was struck speechless by the sight of her.
She wasn't overly dressed up, but had obviously taken some time choosing her outfit. A silky emerald green blouse gave her a soft silhouette and added a classy touch to dark jeans that seemed to hug her figure. In fact, they almost appeared to be painted on her slender legs. Castle followed the line of the jeans down to some wicked looking boots with killer high heels.
Swallowing, he forced his eyes back up to hers. She had left her hair down, the layers framing her face in soft waves. The slight upward turn at the corners of her lips told him she had noticed his wandering eye.
"Do I have to stand in the hallway all evening, Castle, or are you going to invite me inside?" she laughed.
"Yes…ah…of course. Sorry, where are my manners. Come in. Welcome." He held the door for her and gestured her inside.
As Kate brushed past him he caught a whiff of cherries and soap. Taking a deep breath, Castle closed the door and followed her into the loft.
Thank you again to everyone for reading. I apologize for the longer interval between posts this time - it's been a crazy week. I hope you are all doing well! Best, A.D.