When morning comes, I fall out of the tree.
I am no spider-monkey.
A branch scrapes my leg.
It is the worst pain imaginable.
I take Midol, but it doesn't help. I flash my boobs so that the rich citizens of Volturi can send me ointment.
They do. In a little box that floats from the sky. It clonks me on my head.
When I open it, it reads as this: "Next time we want pussy, bitch."
And now I know.
Now.
I.
Know.
I run around in circles for hours. Looking for food. I find a possum lying on the ground.
I skin it, and while doing so, Alice comes by. The tribute from District 3.
Somehow, she reminds me of Katniss. So she becomes my ally. We eat the possum together and form a plan.
"Cinnamon taught me everything he knows. We must find the other tributes and destroy them. Of course, this will only leave you and I, and at the end I will have to kill you, but this is all I've got for now."
She agrees. It's an excellent plan.
"Should we split up?" she asks.
"Of course. You go frolick in the trees. I will go do all of the work. Then when we are done, you hum the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time. The hummingbirds will echo the tune precisely, and then I will meet you back here."
"Ok," she replies, and skips off.
I find the other tributes. They are guarding tons of food. Surrounded by bombs.
With my arrow, I blast the bombs away. And yet I live.
They scatter off, and I gather the remains of the mangos. I left the vegetables. I hate vegetables.
When my mission is complete, I wait for Alice's song.
It never comes.
"Belllaaaaaaa!" she screams.
She has to wait. I haven't peed in hours. I finish using the bathroom, and run to her rescue.
It is too late.
Someone has shot her with... a water gun.
Tragic, it is.
"Sing me a song," she begs quietly, as I hold her tightly.
I nod, and turn on my iPhone, to play the chorus of Britney Spears.
She closes her eyes peacefully.
"Whyyyyyyy?" I scream dramatically. "Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
"'Cause you's a dumb bitch!" she retorts, and then dies.
I cry. She is exactly like Katniss and it makes me sad.
It makes me oh so sad.
But vengeance shall be mine!
As soon as I eat some mangos…