Hidden Wounds: Chapter 10

The shock of the contact as his lips met hers made Castle dizzy.

He felt Kate shudder as she leaned into him, and felt himself give an answering low growl he couldn't quite contain. Her hands spread across his chest, sending wave after wave of heat roiling through him. His arms tightened around her, his fingers playing along her back.

He found the hem of her shirt and reached under the silky fabric. They both groaned as his hands caressed creamy skin underneath. Electricity seemed to dance from his fingertips on her skin all the way up his arms, into his body, coiling through him, looking for release. He felt flushed, his skin felt too tight.

Kate's hands clenched on the fabric of his shirt and she nipped his bottom lip, using his surprised exhalation to gain access, letting her tongue play across the entrance of his mouth, hot, slick, and insistent. A small noise, wild and unrestrained, escaped her throat, and Castle felt the last of his control begin to shred.

Kate pressed into him and he pulled her with him as he leaned back on the couch, relishing the feel of the weight of her on top of him, her body arching into his, her lips velvet soft and demanding. His hands feathered across the skin of her back, pressing her closer, wanting to lose himself in her.

Wait. Alarm bells were ringing from somewhere far away in his head.

Her weight on top of him?

Castle struggled to force his sluggish brain into action. He broke the kiss with an anxious growl, fighting to shove air into his lungs and some blood back up to his brain. Kate remained above him, breathing heavily and watching him, confused.

"Kate, I-"

At his tone, Kate sat up slightly, a look of hurt flashing over her features and the familiar shuttered expression settling in her eyes. Castle felt the desolation of her retreat wash over him like ice water, allowing him to finally wrestle his thoughts into coherence.

Kate tried to still the rampage of her heart, watching, confused, as Castle struggled to gain control of himself. She suddenly felt very small, very insignificant.

"Kate, I-"

Kate attempted to move away slightly, and couldn't stifle the look of hurt she knew was flashing over her face. Angry with herself, she tried to close off her emotions, realizing she wasn't going to be able to compartmentalize everything that had happened between them.

"No, don't pull away…" he pleaded. Kate looked at Castle, seeing pain cross his features. She moved again, intending to sit up, to put some space between them, but Castle held her fast, no longer pulling her close, but not allowing her to move completely away either.

"Please, just-" He paused, seemingly unsure about how to proceed, and took several deep breaths.

Kate stilled, watching the emotions warring in his eyes. He looked terrified. She sighed and lowered herself back onto him, laying her head on his chest and accepting his request, waiting to hear what he had to say.

After a moment his voice, quiet but raw, broke the silence. "It's just that I don't want this to go too fast. I don't know…" Castle trailed off, his hand slowly stroking a soothing pattern over her back.

"I don't know if I can survive it if you…" Castle went quiet again, letting out a slow breath.

Kate felt her previous anger melt away. What had she done to this man to make him so uncertain, so fragile? She realized that she could completely break him. And he knew it. And –

He didn't trust her.

The discovery made her feel faint. She always assumed she was the one with trust issues, and that Castle would blindly follow her anywhere. She would do anything for him. Anything. Surely he knew that?

As she thought about this, the rise and fall of his chest slowing along with her own, she realized he might not know it. She knew how he felt about her. He had no idea how she felt about him. In fact, whenever they got close all he ever saw was her back as she walked away.

"Castle…" she breathed.

"No, don't. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I started it."

Kate let out a snort. "Right."

"I did," he protested.

"Castle, we have been teasing each other all night – no, strike that – we have been teasing each other for almost four years. And you may have kissed me first – this time – but I appear to be the one on top."

Castle let out a strangled noise beneath her, somewhere between a sound of protest and a bark of laughter, and they were both grateful for the slight release of the heavy tension that had settled in the air. Kate angled her body to see him better, moving further into the couch and canting her head on his shoulder. His blue eyes gazed down at her, his expression unreadable but still unmistakably guarded.

She wanted to comfort him but wasn't sure she could bring herself to utter the words she knew he wanted to hear. The words he deserved from her. It was funny how much power words could have. But she felt too insecure, too nervous about his pulling away, about whatever was going on with him that he didn't want to tell her.

Kate brought her hand up to cup his chin and stroke her fingers along his cheek. He leaned into her hand, his eyelids half closing and some of the tension leaving the lines of his face.

"I'm not going to leave you, Rick." Kate whispered.

His eyes opened fully in surprise, zeroing in on hers with an intensity that made her heart pound. The depths of emotion she saw in them brought tears to her eyes.

She shifted to be able to look into his eyes more directly. His gaze on hers was open, vulnerable. She moved forward to place a kiss on his lips, firm but gentle, trying to communicate the force of her emotions. Pulling back she focused her eyes on his once again.

"I'm not going to leave you." She repeated, more forcefully.

Castle was trying to decide if he was dead. Maybe the shooter had gotten him. Maybe he was in a coma somewhere.

That seemed far more believable than his current reality, in which Kate Beckett was snuggled into his side after some intense physical intimacy, and had point-blank told him she wasn't going to leave him.

He thought he had completely screwed everything up (again, his sarcastic inner self sneered) when he had pulled away. The look on her face as she had struggled to gain control over herself had been heartbreaking. He knew he had hurt her by pulling away, but he was still keeping things from her. If she knew what those things were, she probably wouldn't even be here with him now.

He was at war with himself. On one hand, his need for Kate was a physical and emotional ache. He wanted her, wanted to move forward in this kind of relationship with her, and that wanting had built over time until it seemed to be part of his soul.

On the other hand, he didn't only want a physical relationship with her. He wanted…no…he needed to be her partner in every way. He needed her to love him as much as he loved her. The joy he found in the closeness they shared, in their friendship, in their playful banter and the constant challenge, was so very important to him. She was so very important to him.

But that relationship had to go both ways. They both had to be honest.

He couldn't keep secrets from her and have the kind of relationship he wanted. But he wasn't sure he could keep her safe if she knew about his involvement in her mother's case. And, although he knew it might be selfish, he didn't want her to know that he had never quite recovered from her shooting. He felt guilty and uncertain. As though he was being stretched too thin and might dissolve under the pressure of his competing needs.

He couldn't lose her. But there was more than one way she could be lost.

He hadn't meant to let things go so far. He had been trying so hard all evening to keep things light. But a little too much wine and some heady comments and Kate…his Kate… so happy and laughing and teasing… had broken through his good intentions.

It was becoming harder and harder by the moment to remain…uh…chaste, his writer's imagination supplied. He grimaced, thinking that this was not the only thing becoming harder and harder by the moment.

That's terrible. And you call yourself a writer. He laughed mockingly at himself.

He looked down at Kate, her arm draped over his chest, her hand still gently clenching the fabric of his shirt as if she didn't want to let him go. She had dropped off into a reluctant sleep only a few minutes earlier thanks to his soft caresses. He had watched as she struggled to remain awake, still trying to goad him into talking to her.

It had been an interesting weekend so far, and neither had gotten much sleep the night before. The wine was tugging his own eyelids down as he attempted to remain awake.

He needed to keep some distance if he wanted to keep her physically safe. He needed to talk to her if he wanted to keep her heart safe.

Someday, he was sure, she would find out what he had been keeping from her. She was going to find out how much of a mess he was.

And she would be angry.

Even worse, she would be hurt.

Despite her promise, she might leave him. Alone.

One of the only lessons Castle had ever learned in his life was that eventually, people always left. His father, before he even knew him. His mother, off to rehearsals and performances and leaving him home alone as a child. Most of his friends, who couldn't handle his rise to fame (or maybe, he noted, being honest with himself, the ridiculously immature person you became in those early days). He had been divorced twice. Twice!

Even Alexis…he sucked in a breath…about to go off to college and start her own life. Which is what he wanted for her, but still…sometimes he just felt so…lonely.

But he could live with lonely, if it meant Kate was still alive.

And Kate had promised not to leave him. But what exactly did her promise mean, anyway? She hadn't revealed anything about how she felt; she still hadn't told him whether or not she loved him.

Castle sighed and tried to shake these negative thoughts out of his mind. He focused back on Kate, her warmth and her even breathing. He brought one hand up to gently brush a stray strand of hair from her face, letting his fingers stroke across her cheek. It was a luxury, in more ways than one, to be with her like this. Kate sighed and smiled slightly in her sleep, stretching her back like a cat before relaxing more comfortably against him.

Castle felt his chest expand and he gripped her more tightly, settling further into the couch and allowing his head to drop down on the pillow. Closing his eyes, he let sleep and exhaustion overtake him, wrapped in the comfort of her warmth.

Kate awoke to the feeling that something was wrong. She kept her eyes closed and let her senses reach out to discover what was off. She couldn't have been asleep long; the quiet and stillness in the loft told her it must still be the middle of the night. Something had woken her…something…she had felt…cold. That was it.

Kate's eyes snapped open. She was no longer nestled in Castle's arms. He was gone.

Note: I was astounded and incredibly grateful to see my first published fan fiction hit 100 reviews. Really, seriously, grateful. I can't believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for reading and for your wonderful thoughtful comments. I'm having a blast telling this story, and I certainly hope you are enjoying it as well. All the best, A.D.