Hidden Wounds: Chapter 11

Kate sat up slowly, wondering how Castle had managed to untangle himself and get out from underneath her without waking her up.

She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself up as she tried not to panic.

He left her.

He left her here alone.

She had assumed for so long that whenever she was ready to confront this…whatever this was between her and Castle…that he would be thrilled. She never expected him to slow things down. Or run.

Kate bit her lip as she felt tears sting her eyes.

Maybe he didn't want her anymore.

Maybe he didn't love her.

The tears began to fall and Kate stood up, angrily wiping them from her eyes.

Stupid. She thought to herself. She was a detective. And one thing she had learned over the years was to trust her instincts. Castle may be running scared for some reason but she knew he cared about her.

The other thing she had learned over her time as a detective was that you never jump to conclusions without solid evidence. All she knew was that he wasn't in the living room. Maybe he had to use the facilities. Maybe he'd gone out for a walk. Maybe Alexis called and he went outside so as not to wake her up while he talked.

Kate looked around the darkened apartment, listening intently and searching for some sign of Castle's whereabouts. As she did so she thought she heard a small noise come from the vicinity of his bedroom.

Kate paused. Should she go find him?

All her previous insecurities flooded her senses. Her fists clenched almost involuntarily. A million different scenarios suggested themselves to her imagination, all of them variations on a theme, and that theme was rejection.

Kate bit her lower lip, gazing in the direction Castle's bedroom. Finally she rolled her eyes at herself. Go. Just go, Kate.

She moved deliberately and slowly, making sure not to stumble on anything in the dark.

Kate scanned the room from the doorway. It was empty. There was enough light to determine that the bed wasn't rumpled – it hadn't been slept in.

Bathroom? Kate looked over, but could see that the door to the bathroom was open, and that the room was dark. He wasn't here. He really had left.

Kate put her hand on the doorframe, needing the tactile support of the wood beneath her fingers.

She took a few slow breaths, willing the panic she could feel bubbling up to stay locked inside. Just as she had collected herself enough to leave the room she heard it. The same small sound she had heard before.

And it was coming from this room.

Wary, Kate sidled into the room, searching in the low light for the source of the sound. As she came around the bed, she found it.

A shocked gasp left her as she discovered Castle, hunched over on the floor, his back against the bed. His head was in his hands, and he was shaking uncontrollably, just as he had been after he had saved her from the shooter from Friday's case. Every now and then a low noise escaped, as though from a trapped animal in pain.

"Castle?" She whispered, not wanting to startle him. Other than a slight increase to the intensity of his shaking there was no answer.

Kate moved swiftly to him, kneeling down in front of him as she had before, placing her hands gently on either side of his head.

"Rick?"

Castle raised his head, but rather than looking at her he seemed to look through her. Kate had to force herself not to flinch. His eyes…

Suddenly Castle was not the only one fighting demons as Kate struggled not to drown in the desolation, heartbreak, and sheer terror in Castle's eyes. These were the eyes she had seen in the cemetery. And she knew. Castle wasn't seeing her – the real her, here in his bedroom. Castle was seeing her bleeding out in the cemetery.

"Rick…" she breathed, her own tears threatening to spill over, her chest suddenly tight where the bullet had penetrated her heart.

Kate let her hands caress his face, trying to draw him back to the present, back to her.

"Rick, it's ok. Rick, look at me."

Castle's teeth began to chatter with the force of his quaking body, and tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. Kate thought her heart might break. She moved to sit next to him, draping her arms around him and attempting to draw him into a hug. He seemed to take no notice of her, trapped in a world of pain and fear.

"Oh, God, please come back to me, Rick." Kate slipped her hand under his shirt to rub slow circles on his back.

When her hand met skin, Castle jumped as if burned, and swiveled his head to focus on her for the first time.

His red-rimmed eyes found hers as if gazing across a great distance. As if she were his lifeline.

"Kate?" His voice was broken, rough and raw, his still-chattering teeth lending the sound a tenuous vibrato.

"I'm right here. I'm fine. Everything's ok." Kate kept her voice low and reassuring, stroking his back in long, slow motions. Suddenly he reached out and pulled her into his lap, crushing her to him as he cradled her in his arms. She could feel his entire body shaking, could feel the tension coursing through him.

After a few minutes, his shaking began to ebb. A few minutes more, and his breathing began to slow back to normal. At last he took a deep breath, and as the air left his lungs she felt him slump slightly, releasing some of the tension in his body.

Kate lifted her head to watch him. Castle dropped his eyes to his lap. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

She remained still for a moment, trying to decide how to respond, how best to help him.

"Why?" She asked.

"I didn't want… I didn't want you to have to deal with that." Kate let this sink in. Castle leaned back against the bed, his arms loosening slightly, and Kate reached out to take one of his hands in hers, hoping the physical touch would help soothe him.

"How often does this happen?"

Castle was silent.

"Castle?"

He kept his eyes turned away from hers, a nervous twitch of his fingers on hers the only give-away that he had heard her.

"Please talk to me, Rick." She hated the pleading sound in her voice.

Castle sighed. "I have…nightmares." He paused and looked at their intertwined fingers as though seeing them for the first time. "Sometimes they are…very real." Kate couldn't help thinking that at one point they had been real.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Castle stared straight ahead, stony-faced.

"Does Alexis know? Or Martha?"

"No." He replied quickly. "And they won't." His voice was firm. Uncompromising. She could feel his body tense again, as though preparing for a fight.

"You don't have to shoulder this on your own, Castle. They're your family. They would help you. I would help you."

"No." His voice was now deadly calm.

"Rick-"

"No, Kate." He turned to her at last. "Did you have help? Last summer, did you let anyone in?"

Kate flinched, immediately recoiling from the burning intensity of his gaze.

Castle was in trouble.

The nightmare had been particularly bad. So vivid. And then he had woken up and he couldn't shake the onslaught of memory and sensation, the feel of horror, guilt, and pain, and he knew he had to get away. He didn't know how he had managed to extract himself without waking Kate, but as soon as he was free he ran blindly for his bedroom, trying to get away before he broke down completely.

After that his memories were jumbled in a haze of darkness: a hall of grotesque carnival images, taunting him.

Until Kate.

Suddenly there had been a lifeline. A touch at his back. Her solemn green eyes, begging him to return to her.

This was only the second time since the summer he had been able to fight through the attack, and both times Kate had been there. Before, when he lost control like this, the panic had simply continued on and on, wave after wave of terror, until his body eventually passed out from exhaustion, and he woke up the next morning aching and empty.

But not this time. This time, Kate had led him from the darkness. And now she was there, nestled in his arms, quietly lending him her strength.

When she began asking questions, though, his fear had returned. He was lost, vulnerable.

He didn't want his family involved. Didn't want her involved.

He wanted so badly to just confide in her. To let her stand with him. But facing his brokenness together would mean facing his involvement in her mother's case together. The two were inextricably linked, and he couldn't risk where that might lead.

He could stand against anger. He could stand against pity, fear, and sadness. But this quiet concern for him left him unstable. His defenses were down and he felt exposed; she would be able to force her way in easily. He needed to change the subject.

He needed to make her angry.

"Did you have help? Last summer, did you let anyone in?"

He saw her recoil as he brought up last summer and prepared himself for the guilt of what he knew was an unfair move. He waited for her to extract himself from his embrace, trying to keep his arms from tightening around her in defiance of this goal.

But she didn't move.

She stared at him, her eyes open, questioning, vulnerable. Pain reflected back at him. Pain he had just inflicted. But not accusation. Not anger. If anything she looked… guilty.

"No." She whispered. "You're right. I didn't really even let my dad take care of me. Not any more than I had to, anyway."

Castle couldn't believe she had just so calmly admitted to that. He made a small sound of confirmation, as if he had made his point. Kate lifted her eyes to his and considered him.

"It was a mistake, Rick." Surprise flooded through him. "I wanted to protect you. At least, that's what I told myself. I thought that by keeping everything inside that I could protect the people I…care about. I thought I could protect myself, too." She sighed, and he sensed a deep well of emotion beneath the tortured breath. "It didn't work."

She continued to consider him, as if she could see directly into his soul. "Something else is going on, isn't it?" She asked. Castle felt dizzy. No. Kate's eyes were too knowing, too certain.

"I can't… I can't do this." Castle felt his chest tighten in fear, silently pleading with her to let it go.

She held his gaze a moment longer, then dropped her eyes to their joined hands, giving his fingers a small caress. She seemed to be thinking intently.

"Castle?"

He felt trepidation run ice-cold through his veins. She was going to ask more questions he didn't want to answer. "Mmm-hmm?" He murmured, wondering when everything had changed. Wondering how it was that they kept on ending up with him trying to run and her doggedly following, when for so long now he had been the one trailing after her.

"This is a terrible date."

What? Castle's brain froze in surprise as his eyes sailed to hers, and it took him an entire beat to catch up.

"What?" He finally managed, voicing his internal confusion.

"I said, this is a terrible date." She repeated, more forcefully. He watched her carefully, trying to discern where she was going with this.

"Seriously. You invite me for dinner, tease the hell out of me, kiss me senseless, then make me sleep on the couch. And to top it all off, I have to spend the night sitting on the floor?" She huffed. "I'm highly disappointed."

Amazed was an understatement. Castle was floored. She was giving him a way out. She was letting him have his space. He realized she was trying to do for him what he had done for her since the summer. Gratitude swept through him as he gazed down at her.

"Why detective. How very…forward of you. You shall ruin my innocent sensibilities with such talk." His voice was weak, not containing enough of his normal good humor to truly make it a joke, but she played along, helping him restore his sense of balance.

Kate snorted at him. "Right. I would hate to corrupt such purity."

Banter. He could do banter. "And would you like to? Corrupt me?" He waggled his eyebrows at her in what he knew was a ridiculous manner.

Her eyes narrowed on his, her lips quirking dangerously. "I've been listening to you boast about your powers of corruption for quite some time, Castle. You'll have to forgive me for being disappointed on discovering such a blushing innocent."

Castle's amusement faded instantly. "Are you really disappointed in me?"

"What, no! Castle, I was just…" She sighed, looking away.

When she looked back at him, her seriousness had returned and he cursed himself for letting the lightened tone drop. Everything was just too close to the surface…too raw. "I'm worried about you."

Castle pulled her close again and laid his head on top of hers, wanting to comfort them both.

"I know. I'm sorry." He couldn't bring himself to say he was fine, to tell her not to worry. He knew she would spot the lies easily. After a moment her voice broke the stillness once again.

"I do have something I need to ask you, Castle. There's something very serious that we need to do."

Castle paused, forcing his body to remain still, his breathing to remain even. She was trying. He could try too. He braced himself for whatever she was going to ask of him.

"Ok. What do we need to do?" He held his breath.

"We need to get up off the floor."

A burst of surprised laughter escaped from him, and he could feel her shoulders shake in a silent chuckle. He loosened his arms to allow her to climb off his lap, following her up to stand next to her.

She was looking at him softly, an unreadable expression in her eyes.

"You look exhausted. You need to sleep." She said.

He felt his body stiffen. Sleep. More nightmares. "Stay with me?" He asked.

She nodded, and again he detected that soft light in her eyes. He allowed her to gently settle him in the bed, amazed when she crawled in after him. She slipped easily under the covers, snuggling closer until he could feel the length of her body nestled against his, her warmth spreading through him and easing tensions he hadn't even realized he had.

Her hand settled on his chest, her fingers tracing soft circles over his heart as he felt her head nuzzle into the hollow of his neck. He could feel her breath on his skin. She had given him space. But she hadn't left. Even the fact that he was so obviously keeping something from her hadn't sent her fleeing in anger.

She trusts me, he realized with wondering awe. The thought filled him both with fear and a strange sense of comfort.

Castle tried to remain awake, tried to keep himself from falling asleep, but Kate's gentle caresses and even breathing lulled his eyes closed. After a few moments, he felt himself grudgingly slip into slumber.

Thank you for reading! Best, A.D.