Hidden Wounds: Chapter 12

For a long time after Castle fell asleep Kate stayed awake, watching him and thinking about what had just happened. Her shock on finding Castle had been intense. Even after his panic attack on Friday she hadn't realized the extent of Castle's hidden wounds.

Over and over again she replayed the conversations she had had with Castle since the summer. She thought about all the cases they had worked, and about the late-night take-out dinners and casual trips to Remy's. She had never suspected he was hiding so much pain. Apparently he had inherited some of his mother's acting talent.

Kate sighed and allowed her fingers to trace along his jaw, trying to breathe through the guilt of the part she knew she had played in this.

She wanted so badly to yell at him. To rail at him for letting her hurt him so deeply. To force him to tell her what he was still hiding. But what would that accomplish?

It was clear to her that he didn't trust her. And it was also clear to her that she hadn't done much to earn that trust. He had allowed her to push him away, and had stayed by her side anyway. He had let her hide her pain, let her run off to lick her wounds in private, even though by running she had managed to make his pain worse.

And still, he stayed.

If she wanted his trust, she needed to show that she trusted him, and to reciprocate his selfless support.

She couldn't pretend it didn't hurt, knowing he was hiding from her. Knowing he didn't trust her. But she also couldn't pretend that most of this hurt wasn't of her own doing.

Do I trust him?

Kate forced herself to face the question. It was much easier to answer than she had expected.

Yes. She thought. I do.

She wondered briefly when that had happened. It had been a long time since she had truly trusted anyone. At times she had begun to feel that the deep cynicism that had settled on her soul with her mother's death would never be lifted. And yet…she did trust him.

That didn't mean, of course, that he couldn't hurt her. The trust she had for him meant he could hurt her far more deeply than anyone else. But she knew he would never knowingly hurt her. Not without an extremely good reason.

And he had to know that his silence hurt. So he must have a reason.

Kate tucked her head back into the hollow of his neck, breathing in and letting his scent wash over her senses. She placed a small kiss on the skin at the base of his neck, and smiled as he tugged her closer and she heard him give a contented sigh in his sleep.

Letting her eyes close, Kate relaxed into Castle's side as sleep claimed her at last.

Sunlight on his eyes pulled Castle out of his slumber. He had been dreaming.

It had been a good dream. About Kate. His dreams were almost always about Kate, but he was much more fond of the happy ones than the nightmares.

He flexed his muscles, bringing his body into alertness, and was suddenly reminded of the warm body next to his.

Kate.

She had stayed.

He looked down at her face, peaceful in sleep, as a wave of emotion flooded through him. He felt possessive, fierce. One hand reached out to slowly brush away a strand of hair, and he couldn't help letting his fingers trail down her cheek, relishing the soft warmth of her skin.

Kate let out a soft huff and stretched slightly, blinking her eyes as she came awake. As her eyes sought his he could see the soft light he had detected there the night before still shining behind them.

"Hey." She whispered, her voice still sleep-heavy.

"Hey." He whispered back. She smiled at him, and if he didn't know better, he would have described the little upward turn of her lips and slight lowering of her lashes as shy.

Kate reached out to grasp his hand in hers, bringing it slowly up to her lips where she placed a gentle kiss on the back of his knuckles. Lifting her eyes back to his, she held his gaze as she turned his hand up and placed her lips gently in the center of the palm of his hand.

The brush of her lips there was startling. He drew in a quick breath. How could something so simple be so quickly erotic?

Castle felt Kate's lips trail down his palm to the inside of his wrist. The touch of her lips on the sensitive skin there made him shiver. When he felt her tongue peek out to taste him he felt heat shoot through him.

"Kate." He said, intending it to sound like a warning, but instead it came out as a quiet plea.

Kate's eyes found his again, and this time he saw curiosity and no small amount of mischief. She left his wrist to slide herself up slightly, bringing her head back to the hollow of his neck and gently nipping the skin just above his collarbone, immediately soothing the minor sting with a gentle caress of her lips. He could feel the press of her body all up and down his side, her presence searing into him.

"Kate…" He took a breath, attempted to gather his thoughts, and tried again. "What are you doing?"

He felt her smile into the skin of his neck as she placed more kisses at his collarbone, tracing the line with lips and tongue.

"I'm just saying good morning. Good morning, Castle." He felt her lips move as she murmured this into his neck.

"Is this…a normal morning greeting for you?" He could hear the breathless quality of his voice.

"I don't know, shall we try it again and see if it becomes a habit?"

Shock coursed through him, followed swiftly by heat as he thought about waking up with Kate, his Kate, softly kissing him every morning.

"God, Kate," he groaned, trying to keep some semblance of control. "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Is that all it takes, Castle? Just some little kisses? Because I promise I had much…bigger…plans for you."

Without any interaction between brain and body, Castle moved, rolling her under him and pressing them together. He felt her entire body shudder along with his at the contact, even through their clothing, heat and pleasure mingling in an almost blinding haze.

He stared down at her, intending to make some kind of haughty remark, but the words dies on his lips. Her eyes. She was staring at him with those gorgeous eyes, heavy with the last vestiges of sleep and no small amount of lust, but that wasn't what had stopped him.

The look she was giving him was one he had only seen in his dreams. The fondness and laughing affection he was used to, but this morning there was…more. More everything. It took his breath away.

The only warning he had was a slight intensification of the mischievous glint in her eye before he found himself tossed over and suddenly immobilized beneath her.

"Little slow on the reflexes there, Castle" she laughed at him.

He grinned at her "I can't say I'm upset at the outcome."

He watched Kate blush as she realized her move had left her straddling him on top.

"Yeah, well…I'm not too upset about it either."

He reached out a hand to cup her cheek, a feeling of utter contentment blooming in him as she leaned into his touch. Something like awe ran through him at the realization that they were sharing these intimate moments together.

As she looked down at him he watched her face turn serious, although she didn't pull away.

"Castle?"

"Mmmhmm?"

"About last night…" Castle dropped his hand, trying to keep calm.

"What about it?" He winced slightly at the harshness he could hear in his voice.

Kate worried her bottom lip in her teeth, and he could feel uncertainty radiating off her in waves.

"I just want you to know that…that I understand why you might not want to talk about everything. I hope you know that you can share anything with me. I will always help you, however I can. But if you need time, I can do that." Kate blew out a shaky breath and continued.

"Really, I'd like to shake you until you talk." She gave him a weak grin. "I realize now how hard this was for you, Castle. And I'm so sorry." She reached out a hand, caressing his face. He relished the feel of her fingertips along his cheek, his jawline, his forehead.

"I know something is not right, I know something is going on." It took every ounce of control he had not to flinch, but he could tell by the sadness in her eyes that she knew.

"But…I trust you."

Castle blinked in shock.

"I don't know what's wrong, but I trust you. And I hope, eventually, that you'll trust me, too." Her eyes lowered in something close to shame as confusion set in.

"Is that what you think, Kate? That I don't trust you? I trust you with my life." He brought his arms to her thighs, tightening his grip for emphasis. He could feel the tension in her body.

"No. You don't trust me. I read people for a living, Castle, I can tell." Her voice sounded wry, hurt.

"That's not fair. How much have we been through together? How many times have we almost died together?" He was beginning to get angry. "How can you think I don't trust you?" He couldn't keep his voice from raising slightly.

"Rick, stop." The quiet command brought him out of his rant, and he looked at her.

She gave a small, regretful sigh. "It's ok. I…I'm not angry. I haven't done much to earn your trust recently. And I haven't always given you mine. But you deserve my trust. And you have it. And I hope to deserve yours as well."

Castle felt lost. He had no idea what to say to that.

Kate gave him another gentle caress and then she was moving off of him. He almost whimpered at the loss of contact.

"Are you leaving?" He asked, sitting up in bed as she stood up.

She looked at him, startled. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it. There was no way to answer that question that wouldn't land him in hot water.

"Did you want me to leave?" She asked warily.

"No." It came out faster than he had intended.

"Ok then." She gave him a small smile. "I was just going to hop in the shower. If it's ok with you?"

Castle tried to keep his brain from immediately supplying images of Kate, in his shower, wet, naked…what had she said about soap and water last night?

"Yes." He managed to squeak out. "That's fine. Of course." Kate's smile grew larger. How did she always manage to unhinge him so easily? It wasn't as if he was inexperienced, but around her he constantly felt fifteen again, all gangly limbs and awkward longing.

"Can I borrow a t-shirt?"

"Yes, top drawer. Help yourself." He watched as Kate pulled open the drawer and selected a shirt, and then disappeared into the bathroom. A few minutes later the sound of running water told him she was in the shower.

Castle thought about their conversation, and Kate's gentle insistence that he didn't trust her. That was ridiculous.

Right?

As he forced himself to truly consider it, he realized she might be right. Oh, not completely, of course. He did trust her in many ways. He wasn't lying when he'd said he trusted her with his life.

But he realized that he didn't trust her with hers.

The fight they'd had before the summer's events had blown up in their faces replayed in his head. He had been hurt, deeply hurt, that she had so casually thrown herself into so much danger. He knew the largest reason he was keeping his secret was fear that she would throw herself back into the case. Back into danger. That once again he'd be too slow to save her. He certainly had never been able to stop her.

Castle exhaled, running a hand through his hair. She was right. At least in this one way, he didn't trust her. In fact, he was terrified of this part of her. Castle looked in the direction of his bathroom as he heard the shower turn off.

What could he do?

So, SO sorry about the long time between posts this time. Life got in the way a bit (you know how it is). As always, thank you for reading! All the best, A.D.