Hidden Wounds: Chapter 14

Castle was feeling much better after his shower. He stared at himself in the mirror, giving himself a mental pep talk.

You can do this.

He still felt conflicted, nervous, trying to figure out how to make everything in his life fit together. But Kate's words, one step at a time, had made him feel better. They were taking steps.

Castle grinned at himself. They were both taking steps. Together. He watched as the grin in the mirror became almost silly. It was ridiculous how happy that made him.

We can do this.

He relished the ability to think the "we," amazed that it wasn't simply a fantasy.

The grin dropped on the face in the mirror as reality encroached. It may not be a fantasy at that moment, but Castle knew that this new part of their relationship was so very fragile. And he had the means to crush it. This tentative connection had been forged through her trust.

She trusted him. And as every second ticked by he was violating that trust. How could he think of them, really think of them together, when he was keeping something like this from her? That wasn't them together. That was false pretenses.

His face staring back at him began to look desperate. Did it matter that he had a good reason?

Castle snorted. It mattered to him. But that wasn't going to make it better.

He turned on the faucet, splashing some cold water on his face and then grabbing a towel to pat it dry. As he turned off the tap, he could faintly hear voices coming from the loft. He froze for a moment as he realized either his daughter or his mother must have come home early.

Castle swiftly headed into the bedroom to pull on a pair of jeans and grab a t-shirt, trying to hurry. The dramatic flair in the tone of the second voice told him it must be his mother who had returned home unexpectedly. Kate was going to kill him.

He was still pulling his shirt over his head as he walked into the main area of the loft and caught the end of the conversation between Kate and his mother.

His mother was staring at Kate in what he would have described as abject terror.

"What phone call?" Kate's voice was like lead.

"You said you had talked. About hidden things." His mother was obviously panicked. "What were you talking about?"

"His panic attacks. What phone call?" Her tone was clipped, professional. Castle felt as if all the air had been compressed out of his lungs. No.

"Richard's having panic attacks?" He heard the confusion in his mother's voice.

"Martha. Tell me. What phone call?" Kate was in full interrogation mode. He saw his mother's anguished expression. As she opened her mouth to respond, Castle finally found his voice.

"Don't, Kate." His voice sounded unnaturally loud in the high-ceilinged loft. Kate and Martha both jerked around to stare at him, his mother in horror, Kate in…actually, he couldn't read her expression.

For a moment, no one moved.

Again, Martha was the first to recover. "Richard, I am so, so sorry. I…we were talking and I-"

"It's ok, mother" he bit out, not wanting her to think he was angry with her, "it's not your fault."

"No," said Kate, "no, it's not." If he hadn't been watching her lips move, he wouldn't have known that the voice was hers. Kate had moved off the stool, standing almost across the room from him, still with that unreadable expression on her face.

"Tell me, Castle." Her voice was soft but the tone was steel. "Tell me you're not working on my mother's case." Castle felt as if the earth had just fallen out from under him. He knew he should speak, knew he should say something. Attempt to deny it, try to re-direct her, anything but just stare at her, dumbfounded.

"Tell me you haven't gotten yourself involved in this mess behind my back." He stared at her stupidly, completely at a loss.

"I-"

"You don't trust me." At her quiet declaration he felt as if his heart would break.

"It's not you I don't trust, Kate."

"Who, then?"

Castle remained silent, despair running through him, willing her to understand.

His mother attempted to intervene. "Kate, dear, maybe we should go sit down, calm down for a minute?"

"No thank you, Martha. I feel perfectly calm." Kate replied, her eyes never leaving Castle's. And her voice was calm. Deadly calm.

She faced him squarely. "You think I will run headfirst into the case again." It wasn't a question. "Which means you have information."

Castle just stared at her, empty. This was it. She knew. She would run. Run away from him. Run at the danger that was still just a menacing, nameless shadow. The guilt and the fear began to build, and he clenched his fists, willing himself not to start shaking.

Kate stared at him for a long time. He held his breath, waiting for her to run, waiting for her to stride out of his life again, trying to bolster his defenses enough to not crumble at her abandonment.

But that didn't happen. Instead Kate crossed the distance between them and shoved him, hard enough to knock him back a step, but not hard enough to knock him off-balance.

"What the hell were you thinking!" She exploded.

Castle raised his hands against the fury in her eyes.

"I know you're upset-"

"Upset? Upset! I'm pissed as hell, Castle. Your mom said you met a complete stranger? With no back-up? When everyone connected to this case ends up dead? That's stupid, Castle."

"Kate, I-" Castle tried to interject, even though he knew there was nothing to say.

"No. No! You could have been killed! You think the people who killed my mother, who killed Roy, would let you live because you're famous? You have a family, Castle. You have a mother," Kate pointed at Martha, who was trying to make herself as small as possible, "and a daughter who would be devastated if anything happened to you."

"You don't understand-"

"No, I don't understand. Do you have a death wish?"

"Do you?" Castle countered, finally becoming angry enough to retaliate.

"What do you mean? You asked me to back off, to let this go, even though you knew how much that cost me. And I did. I did that for you, Castle."

"Eventually. The second time." Kate took a step back, eyes furious.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what that means!" Castle realized what he had just said and forged ahead, desperate. "And the person who had you shot, Kate? He's still out there!"

"You think I don't know that? You think there's a second that goes by that I don't feel his gaze on the back of my neck?"

"How can you ask me what I was thinking if that's the case? I can't leave it alone, Kate, not when there's someone out there still gunning for you. Not when the only thing between your safety and your death is not in our hands. Don't you understand? I have to finish this."

"You have to finish this?" Kate's eyes narrowed on his and she took a step forward, poking her finger into his chest. He couldn't help the feeling of pride and respect that shot through him at her fierceness. "This is not your fight, Castle. I will not let you do this."

"You won't let me? You don't get to make that decision."

"Richard-" His mother tried to interject.

"Mother, I love you, but please, not now." Out of the corner of his eye he could see his mother, darting anxious glances between the two of them.

"You will stop this Castle, and I will make sure of it, even if I have to put every cop in the city on your ass. You will let this go." Kate's tone was demanding, her eyes flashing.

Castle was angry. Really and truly angry. "Let this go? I don't think so. I will never let this go, Kate, until I finally have you safe." He could hear his voice rising to match hers. "Maybe you should let it go for once!"

"And what am I supposed to do when you get killed Castle? How am I supposed to let it go, then?" She was in his face, shouting, but he didn't flinch, immediately shouting back at her.

"I'm not going to get killed, Kate, I've been careful! I've learned a lot from you! Why can't you just trust me for once? Why can't you let me do this?"

"Because I love you, you big idiot! And you're going to get yourself killed!" Kate practically screamed at him, her chest heaving.

Castle stared, the fever pitch of their argument coming to an abrupt halt at her words.

She said she loves me. He stared at her in wonder.

Kate clapped a hand over her mouth, her features contorting in shock and horror.

"Oh god." She gasped. "I didn't mean…"

Castle felt as if the world stopped. She didn't mean it. His entire body became instantly heavy, sluggish. She didn't mean it. The desolate refrain repeated in his head.

"It's ok." He forced out, having a hard time registering the broken sound as his own voice. "It was the heat of the moment. I know you didn't mean it." Castle took a step back, trying to avoid her gaze, trying to hold himself together.

"No, Rick, stop. I meant that I didn't mean it to come out that way." Kate stepped even closer, her hands coming up to his chest. "I wanted…" she looked down. "I wanted it to be special. When I said it. I didn't…Now the first time I said it was in the middle of an argument."

Castle stared at her, stupefied. So she did love him? Wait, he thought, the first time? That implied she thought there might be more times. That she might say it again. Even after this knock-down drag-out fight? Even after learning his secret?

And she didn't appear to be running. In fact, she was still standing close, her hands on his chest, fingers slightly clutching the fabric of his shirt. He was in shock, unable to move, unable to speak, unable even to breath. His eyes locked on her, unable to kick his brain into any semblance of a working order.

A gentle cough sounded from the kitchen where his mother was still standing by the island. "I'll just…head out…for a bit…maybe have a cigarette."

"You don't smoke," Castle gritted out, never taking his eyes from Kate's face.

"Yes, well, after this conversation, I may need to pick up the habit." He was vaguely aware of his mother moving toward the couch, grabbing her purse and exiting through the front door.

Leaving him and Kate. Alone.

Thanks again for all your fabulous comments, and, as always, thank you for reading! All the best, A.D.