I want to thank you all for all the wonderful reviews! They definitely keep me writing! Hope you enjoy this chapter too!

Chapter 5: Nightmares

James half heartedly took Carter's attention long enough for me to get cleaned up and see Bailey, a charming reporter from my past, and the council. None of which went quite the way I thought it would. Liara and I received little more that ridiculous looks, but it seemed that they were partly willing to listen.

The council, as usual, frustrated me. If we stand together we may have a chance, but this every species for themselves. Only positive side? My spectre status reinstated. Of course it didn't really feel all that great. If possible I felt extra weight being laid on my shoulders.

As I left the office I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. Over and over again, I've proved to the council that when I cry wolf, they need to take aim too! But of course they don't see this. Everything is too much of a foggy gray to realize this situation is pretty much black and white: fight alone, we die or fight together, we stand a chance.

People all around me were clinging to each other, but not in obvious fear, more in lust. I had never seen so much affection on the citadel before. But before I could even put too much more thought into it, I saw a little boy running at me excitedly.

"Janey!" the little boy exclaimed excitedly as he plowed into me. "James taught me how to flirt with girls."

I rolled my eyes and caught a very proud grin spread over James's lips. The man only shrugged as Liara shook her head. The look on James's face told me this was going to be an interesting story.

"Who knew a kid was such an attraction for the ladies?" James said almost proudly picking him up and doing a sort of salute to an asari passing who respond with a flirtatious grin.

Immediately I grabbed Carter away from him glared at James. "Please don't use Carter as a way to pick up women."

Liara giggled while Carter looked at her curiously. "You're really pretty." The compliment made Liara blush slightly but smile at him brightly. Then suddenly he looked back at me. "But Janey's really, really pretty."

Much to everyone's surprise, even my own, I blushed. "Thanks," I mumbled.

Carter sensed my discomfort and tilted his head, confused. "Janey?"

"The commander has never been one for compliments, that's all," Liara explained blissfully.

Carter didn't seem to quite understand this, but quickly dismissed it. Instead he tugged on my hand excitedly. "Wanna see what James taught me?"

He was nearly bouncing up and down, but I nervously accepted.

Without another word he snapped his fingers, pointed at Liara, and winked. With a voice probably as deep as he could go he nodded at her and said, "How you doing?"

James burst into triumphant laughter while Liara buried her face in her hands, unable to completely hide the humorous smile. I on the other hand couldn't help but smirk and roll my eyes. Great influences this kid had.

"This kid is going to be a stud, you just watch. He'll have all the ladies wrapped around his little finger," James chirped, a little too proud of what he had taught the boy.

I just shook my head and took Carter's hand as we started to head back to the Normandy.

It had been a long day for all of us. Actually long was an understatement. So much had happened and changed that it wasn't until I had tucked Carter into my bed and I was finally able to lay down on the couch that I realized how exhausting the day had been. Too much had happened. Part of me wanted to believe that it was all a dream, that I would go to sleep and wake up and be back on Earth. But I knew it wasn't. It would have been too good to be true.

Carter fell asleep immediately, but I couldn't. I laid there and stared up at the ceiling, feeling like it would been unfair of me to waste time sleeping when Kaidan was in the hospital and Earth under attack. There was too much to do.

Yet, I could practically hear Kaidan's voice whispering in my ear that I was no used to anyone if I wasn't at a hundred percent.

It would be easier to sleep if I had him with me though. I could close my eyes and let everything melt away. He had that effect on me, the only person that ever had any sort of effect of that kind on me. He made me feel…safe.

"Janey!" Carter was yelling for me, but the forest was too thick, I could barely see him.

"Janey!" I tried to run my I felt like I was in sand, the ground absorbing every step making me to slow to run after the ghostly image.

"Jane!" another voice called. It was too familiar. I stopped and turned around. There was Kaidan, reaching out for me.

I stare at him for a moment before Carter's screams pierce my heart. My hand reaches out for Kaidan's. "Come on! We have to save him!" I cry, desperation evident in my voice. But all I catch is air as Kaidan's figure turns to air.

No! No! All I want is to call out for them but I don't have a voice. It's gone.

"Janey!" I hear Carter's voice cry again.

My feet bolt after the sound, this time able to run faster. I see the glowing image of Carter in front of me. Standing beside him, holding him, is Kaidan. Tears spring to my eyes as I reach out to put my arms around them. But something holds me back. The image of Carter in Kaidan's arms turns to ash as fire consumes them. I scream out but all I can hear is laughter.

You can't save them. It's already over.

I jump awake, my body dripping in sweat, fear making my body tremble so violently I feel like a child. For more than a minute I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to check and see if Carter was still lying on the bed. Too afraid of what would happen if he wasn't.

Finally, I open my eyes and glance to the bed. The small outline of Carter is visible, but it wasn't until I actually laid my hand on his soft cheek that I felt even the least bit of contentment. He was sleeping peacefully.

Pressing my lips to his forehead, I pushed back my emotions. Grudgingly I left the room, hoping a small snack may distract me. But instead I ran into Liara.

"Liara," I blinked, coming out of my daze. "Can I help you?"

Normally I enjoyed Liara's company, but at the moment I wished she would just leave. No, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts but I didn't want to talk either. Truthfully, I knew I was going to be unsatisfied either way.

Liara gave me a look over. "I've been forwarding the turian council information on the Prothean device. It can't be built without council support, but he's not budging until their primarch is safe."

I move past her towards the railing.

"I know," I mumble sleepily.

Of course. Everything as always landed on my shoulders and I felt like I was being pulled in every direction and no one cared about how I felt. For once I wanted the council to understand my side, to take my words at face value. If they had done this since the beginning maybe we'd be better prepared. Maybe this wouldn't have gone so far.

Yet, the universe if full of maybes and ifs. Perhaps none of it would have even mattered.

Liara stepped closer to me. "Are you alright?"

I push against the railing, resisting the urge to snap at her about how anyone could expect me to be alright. Nothing was alright. I was pissed at the entire universe, literally, and there was nothing I could do but suck it up and keep fighting. But do I say anything close to that? No. As always I remain the tough commander.

"I didn't get what you'd call a good night's rest," I tried with a half smile, too tired to cover all my emotions as I subconsciously popped my knuckles.

Liara took another step toward me, studying my face intently. "There's more to it than that isn't there. What is really bothering you?"

For a moment I just stare at her, not used to being caught in this sort of position. But I just shake my head. "You name it. Earth, the fact the council can't get their heads out of their asses to see what is going to happen if we don't work together, the fact they ignored us in the first place."

Liara shrugged. "At least they can't deny it any more. The reapers do exist." The look of pain in her eye did not help my emotional state at all, but there was a lot of strength in those eyes as well. "They'll come around, they've got to."

She turned away as I heard an ear piercing scream coming from my room. In an instant Liara and I were both in the room. Carter had pushed off all his covers and was sweating heavily. I reached out to him, touching his face.

"Carter, wake up!" I tried to sound calm and stern but I realized it only sounded like I was in a battle again giving my party instructions.

"MOM!" he screamed pushing me off, surprising me with his strength. Liara seemed to seem as frightened and concerned as I felt. As the little as Carter was, he was difficult to restrain as his flailing arms slammed against the head board and table on the bed.

Suddenly his tear stained eyes flew open and met mine. The small sweaty child just stared at me, panting for breath and continuing with his small sobs. The look was of disappointment and fear, and I understood why. I was not his mother. I was not the woman he was crying for in his dream. In truth I was barely more than a stranger to the child.

"Janey…" the boy choked through his tears as he finally reached out for me.

For a moment I nearly pull away, not sure what to do in this type of situation, but I don't in fear that it would hurt Carter more than anything else. He latches on to me and continues his tears, and all I can do is sit there and stare ahead.

Part of me wasn't sure if I could do this, another part reminded me I've done the impossible more than once.

Liara quietly excused herself, knowing it would be wise to get rest now before we go and get the turian primarch. It must have been nearly half an hour before Carter finally fell asleep again, this time seeming much more peaceful.

I moved back to the couch and sat down. Being a commander was hard, but I wasn't used to so much pulling at my heart strings. Ashley was better at this. She was the soldier who knew how to have that personal side. I on the other hand sometimes forgot how to handle emotions because it was like I so rarely received them. Kaidan showed me how to love in such a way that if he died I knew I would never be able to love anyone the same way again.

Damn it Ash, I wish you were here. You would be able to talk to the kid at least. Be able to relate to him more. But I'm no good at this. I'm not good at opening up.

Emotion grew with the lump in my throat as I pulled my knees into my chest.

Mom, I wish you were here to help me. I wish I had the ability you had to just swoop in and make Carter better like you could with me. Why did I have to lose my mother and my best friend? Because I need you both now.

Though I wanted to, I refused to cry. Mom and Ashley had already been mourned and crying wouldn't do anything to help. So instead I picture the people who made the largest impact on my life together. Mom, Dad, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Joker, even Dr. Chakwas and now Carter with me. Laughing, drinking, eating.

Yet even the happiest image made me hurt, because I knew that the only time we'd all be together was in the afterlife.

So, there is chapter five! What did you think? Please review! Love always, Marilynn.