All characters belong to Bioware. I just borrow them for my interpretation.
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Kaidan tossed the few items he had picked up on the Citadel into a footlocker in the crew's quarters. He was thankful for the near complete silence that hung around him. Most of the crew was still on the Citadel, trying to find the few shops that had reopened to pick up supplies before the Normandy left dock again. Besides Shepard, Joker, Edi and Dr. Chakwas the ship was virtually empty.
The events of the day had left Kaidan's muscles in a bunch. It wasn't every day that you held a gun on a woman you loved, nor was it every day that you had to be the one to shoot a councilor. He could feel the tension flowing through his body like sound on a taunt wire. The familiar tension in his left temple was certainly the beginnings of a migraine. He grabbed his shower kit, along with a fresh set of clothes and headed to the men's room.
He knew he had made the right decision as soon as he stepped under the flowing hot water. He spent the next thirty minutes leaning his hands against the wall. His chin was sitting on his chest, and the water was flowing down the back of his head, across his shoulders and down his back. Using meditations he learned while at brain camp so very long ago he was able to allow most of the tension of the day to flow out of his body with the water that ran over it. Reluctantly he turned the water off, knowing the crew would be returning soon.
He quickly toweled off, shaved, brushed his teeth and threw fresh clothes on. He headed back to the crew's quarters to put his stuff back into his newly acquired foot locker and decided to go check out the new Normandy. He had only been on the ship for a short while after they left Earth and he was very curious about how the new ship differed from the SR1.
He stepped out the door, figuring he would start where he was, and turned right. He stepped into the first of the two observation decks. Looking out the windows directly in front of the door he could make out one of the arms of the Citadel. Smoke hung heavy in the air from the recent Cerberus attack. He tore his eyes away from the window, unwilling to allow himself to relive the disaster that had been so narrowly averted earlier. He walked to the right, and let his eyes run over the collection of books on the shelves. He kept finding his mind drifting through and he would have to reread titles two or three times. It wasn't long before he decided he needed to move on. He could always look at these later; after all, he was a part of the Normandy crew again.
He walked past the memorial wall without looking at it. It would be a reminder of the days' events and he still wasn't ready to face that Shepard or himself could have been on that wall after today. Across from the men's restroom was his next stop. This was a room that was completely new on the SR2, so as he hit the button to open the door and stepped through he was unsure of what to expect.
He stepped through the door, and heard it close quietly behind him. The room was dark, but a small lamp around the corner ahead cast an eerie illumination around him. He saw a shadow move against the wall to his right. He stopped and considered leaving, afraid he might be in someone's personal room. He decided to find out whose room it was before he headed out; he didn't want this to happen again after all.
Kaidan called out, "Hey. Anyone there?" The sound of his voice echoing back at him caused him to jump. His heart began to race and he had to take a deep breath to settle himself. Perhaps the shower hadn't helped as much as he had thought it had, or maybe the time he spent in the observation deck allowed him to think a little more than he should have.
The reply, "Come on in here Kaidan", was so quiet he had a hard time making it out, however there was no doubt in his heart who that voice belonged to. His heart skipped a beat. There was only one woman in the world that made his body react simply by hearing her voice
"Shepard?" he called back as he walked towards the sound of her voice. His feet stopped when she came in sight.
She was sitting at a small table, her back to the windows that housed the life support systems. Her arms were crossed on the table and her head laid down on them as if they were a pillow. Her bright red hair spread out across the table. It was the blank expression on her face that made him want to run to her side though. Her eyes stared at the wall, not even lifting to watch his approach. Her face appeared to be made of wax, unmoving and without expression.
"Shepard? Are you ok….?" His voice trailed off with uncertainty. He had only seen this expression on her face once before and that had been a long time ago. He still cared deeply for her, but he wasn't sure how she felt about him and if she would want him to see her like this. For a brief moment he considered just walking back out the way he had come in, but it was quickly replaced with an overwhelming desire to ease her pain.
He stepped towards her slowly. Afraid she might send him away, even after she had told him to come in. It didn't occur to him to question how she had known it was him in the room. Occasionally he considered the fact she might feel as deeply for him as he did for her, but it was easier to move on, and easier to face the day if he convinced himself she didn't care. It made it easier to not steal the nearest transport ship and go hunt her down anyway.
He reached the table before she answered him. He stood there quietly a minute, wondering what he should do. He knew what he would have done had this happened on the SR1, but it wasn't the SR1 and things weren't the same between them. Kaidan found he didn't like the uncertainty and indecision that kept creeping through his thoughts. He had changed as much as she had over the last three years. Now he knew what he wanted, and wasn't afraid to stand by his desires. He had learned the hard way that leaving a way out didn't ease the pain, so it was better to live life for all you could, while you could. At least that applied in the aspects of his life that didn't involve women. Women, well, he still kept mostly to himself and he could certainly blame this woman before him for that.
She lifted her head slowly, tipping it back so her eyes could find his. Her eyes met his and he felt the familiar stirring she could bring in him. It quickly backed off though as he looked deeper and saw the same blankness in her eyes that she was wearing on her face. He was reminded again of when he found her sitting in the mess after Virmire, looking almost exactly as she did now.
"Sit." She managed to pick up one of her hands and gestured at the chair sitting across from her. "I'm really glad you are here Kaidan."
He pulled the chair out, the sound of it scraping against the floor echoing in the room. He sat down, his eyes never leaving her face. Her eyes stayed looking towards his face, but he got the feeling she wasn't really seeing him, as if she was a million miles away. Each second that passed made him feel a little bit of her pain. Even if he didn't know what was hurting her, he knew she was hurting and that was enough for him to feel it, and share that burden with her.
"Shepard, what's going on? What's wrong?" he asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper. His hands laid upon the top of the table and they ached to reach out and touch hers. He felt himself losing that battle and pulled them off the table to lay them harmlessly on his lap before they could cross the bridge he wasn't sure was safe to cross.
Her quiet voice brought his attention back to where it belonged. "This was his room you know. He stayed here because the air in here is more arid than the rest of the ship. He even slept in here." Her voice trailed off .
Confusion crossed over Kaidan's face. He tried to keep the panic flowing through his thoughts and veins off his face, and almost failed. Her words echoed through his head, but only parts of them. 'his room, slept here' His heart began to beat faster as the words wrapped their way around and around in his head.
He took a deep breath, trying to swallow the jealousy. He didn't even know who she was talking about after all. He focused his thoughts back on her face. This time the pain was etched on her face and he could see the tears welling in her eyes. All his jealousy drained away. He couldn't keep himself for reaching out for her this time. The pain was too strong, too fresh, too apparent for him to ignore. Thane's words flooded through his head. 'She is hurting, she needs you.'
As his hand touched hers, she jumped, surprise spreading across her face. Her hand felt icy cold, as if she hadn't moved them in some time. He wrapped his hands around hers, gently, but with enough force for her to know he wasn't going to let go. She stared at their hands for a long time before finally raising her eyes to his.
"Who are you talking about Shepard? I read some of your reports about your time with Cerberus, but a lot has happened and it isn't all clear in my head." In reality he had read everything she had written, some of the reports multiple times. He had found that he tended to pay closer attention to the specifics about her, and less attention to her comrades. He wasn't about to admit that to her just yet though.
Shepard looked at the wall behind Kaidan. "I'm sorry…it's easy to forget because you…." She paused and looked directly at him. "It's easy for me to forget you weren't here for that time because a part of you is always with me."
His eyes widened a little at her confession of something so emotional. His heart started to beat a little faster and he felt the blood rushing to his cheeks. He had no idea that she felt that strongly. He opened his mouth to say something, but words eluded him so he squeezed her hand.
Shepard took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before she continued. "I had a drell assassin with me when I took on the collector base. He wasn't what you would expect from an assassin, but he was very effective. I wouldn't have called him a close friend, but I always felt like he could see something in me, like he knew something that no one else did about me."
'Finally!' Kaidan thought, 'Something is making sense!' as the pieces started to fall together in his head. "You are talking about Thane."
"That's right, I had forgotten, he said the two of you had gotten separated. I guess you did get to meet him."
"I think he was going to look for the salarian councilor while I took the others to the elevator. " He realized then that he hadn't searched for the drell after everything had happened. He owed him a thank you. It was his initial chat in the hospital that had gotten Kaidan thinking about things, and had ultimately led to him believing Shepard today. "I need to drop him a note and tell him thanks for the help."
Shepard looked at Kaidan. She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut again as if she couldn't figure out what to say. Shadows of pain crossed over her face as she considered what she needed to say. Tears began to well in her eyes. She began to talk quickly, as if she was afraid if she stopped she would be unable to finish. "He saved the councilor Kaidan. He jumped between the councilor and Kai Leng. They fought and in the end Kai Leng's sword got him. He said he had time, so I went after Leng. After Cerberus was defeated I went back to the hospital to check on him." She gasped in a breath of air before continuing.
"The doctors said he couldn't make new blood fast enough to replace what was lost. The only donor on the Citadel that was a match was his son, and he had already given all he could. So, I stood at his side and read a prayer with his son, as he passed."
A feeling of sadness passed through Kaidan. He wouldn't call the drell his friend, but he was very thankful for what the stranger had done for him. He wished that he had thought to tell him that before they went their separate ways today. He released Shepard hand and instead reached up and cupped her cheek. "I'm sorry Shepard. I know he thought very highly of you." Her skin felt warm under his hand.
She closed her eyes and dropped her chin to her chest. "I should have…I should have done something. If I had shot Kai Leng than Thane would still be here." She paused for a second before continuing. "Although I think he was happier going this way. He said he was content."
Kaidan nodded at her. He gently moved his hand under her chin and tilted it back up. "I think he would have preferred this."
She smiled at him, unsure if he really thought that, or if he was just saying it to make her feel better. She was thankful for the gesture either way. She straightened up, sitting more upright. Kaidan dropped his hand back to the table, but left hers uncovered. "I needed to come here, to remember him here, to be close to what he was, and to remind myself what we are fighting for." Her voice sounded stronger, all signs of tears in her eyes vanished. "I need to remember his sacrifice and while I don't have the luxury of time, I needed my moment to grieve, no matter how short it was."
A look of pain shot across Kaidan face. He felt the muscles in his neck and shoulders tighten down. Any talk about grieving and death made Kaidan remember his own grief three years ago when he thought he had lost the woman now sitting across from him. He had worked long and hard to overcome his guilt, but he only really succeeded by not thinking about it at all. Whenever it did cross his mind, a pain unlike anything he could describe still struck straight through his heart. He managed to choke out," I understand", but found he was unable to form any further words. The sounds of those two words echoing in the room carried his pain with them.
Shepard looked at him for a moment, her green eyes flickering over his face, then leaned across the table and kissed him gently on the lips. Kaidan looked back at her with a look of surprise on his face.
"I am going to do everything in my power to ensure you never have to feel that pain again, Kaidan. I am also going to make sure that a day doesn't go by that you doubt for one minute how very much you mean to me." Her voice got very quiet as she finished, "I couldn't imagine doing this without you at my side."
"Shepard, I….." Kaidan's voice trailed off. A huge grin had overtaken his face, but he found himself unsure of what to say. So many emotions were flashing through his system and he needed a moment to process everything she had just said.
She giggled at the indecisive look on his face and stood up. "Come on Major, let's go get you introduced to the rest of the crew. "
Kaidan stood up and followed her out of the room, all the while thinking about how very much he owed that drell. Someday maybe he could tell Kolyat just what his father had done for him, and maybe he would be able to tell Shepard what Thane knew about her. For now though, he was going to live life, without leaving himself a way out.
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Thanks to all the followers of this. I'm really sorry it took so long to finish it, the ending of the game kinda bummed me out and stole my muse for awhile. I just couldnt imagine Kaidan and Thane being in the same hospital without some type of interaction about Shepard.