NEW CHAPTER. Sorry it took so long! It's my junior year and I'm super swamped PLUS I had writers block! Hope you like REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW.
He isn't Stefan. Nowhere near. If I had said those words to Stefan he would try and tell me how wrong I was, he would reason with me and try and convince me about how illogical I was.
But Damon, he just held me. He didn't tell me how wrong I am because he knows the feeling. Because on some level his humanity blames him about all the lives he has taken, all the families he has destroyed, even his own.
He gets that no level of logic will take this feeling away. And when he kisses my forehead, all he says is that he knows. He knows and he is there for me, with me.
So as the dance winds down, I stay in Damon's arms. At some point he steals the booze from my bag and we both take a few shots. He compels the DJ to pick a more cheery selection, and we just loose ourselves in the moment, the alcohol, the music, and each other. He takes my mind off of my troubles and saves them for another day.
It was a Sunday when I began to forgive myself for my parent's death.
I was sitting on the ground by their head stones and for once I was not plagued by guilt. Of course I will never forget my part in what had happened, but if the past year has taught me anything it is that I can't beat myself up for the past. I can only look to make improvements for the future.
It was a Tuesday when I broke up with Stefan.
We both cried, and we both apologized but in the end it didn't matter. We were too far gone to ever go back.
I will always remember the epic love we shared, but we didn't see a reason to ruin a good thing by pretending way passed the expiration date.
It was a Thursday when I said goodbye to Mystic Falls for the summer. I guess I just needed to get a way. My troubles would still be there when I got back, but for now I needed a break from reality.
So here I am, touring Europe and hoping that somehow I will finally heal.
I have been to a few villages in France, Greece, and England.
I am on my way to Dublin for a few days. I hear they have nothing to see but everything to learn. I guess I like that. The idea of just getting stuck in the moment and enjoying the people around me.
I have started writing again. It wasn't easy but I think starting to move on from the death of my parents has fueled my need to stay connected somehow.
Ironically I deal with missing everyone by writing short fantasy stories about my life and publishing them online. A few chapters into my second story an online journal offered to pay me for my stories. So, now I write for the Online Coffeehouse Journal.
When I left Mystic Falls for the summer I decided to cut off all communication and focus on myself and healing. I guess part of me hopes that somehow they have gotten hold of my writing and realize that everything I write is about them.
The OC journal has a little joke about me being crazy. I guess it is because in my dedication page I wrote "Based on the true story of my life." The sad part is that they think I am just really creative. They don't know that the chapter about my vampire birth mother committing suicide right in front of me is true. Or that my best friend got turned by my really old vampire twin ancestor.
I actually wrote a chapter about Katherine. I met her while in Greece.
I was in a small café reading when I hear my own voice ordering a coffee in fluent Greek. The next thing I know I am having a quite civil conversation with her. She told me what she has been up too and I tell her about what I am doing.
None of us mentions the Salvatore name because she's obviously still in love with Stefan and I am obviously still faking denial about my feelings for Damon.
We exchange emails and phone numbers as part pleasantries and partially because she wants me to keep her updated on Stefan.
We both know that we won't keep in touch, but sometimes it's nice to pretend that our lives somehow resemble normalcy.
Three days after that encounter I board a plane to Dublin. I get a strange feeling of restlessness and panic if I stay in a town too long. It is almost as if I fear someone is coming after me.
It is a Wednesday when I meet him.
His name is Harry and he has a tattoo of a scorpion on his left shoulder blade. He drinks too much beer, smells of cigarettes, and plays the drums every Tuesday at the local pub.
He hits on me for about five minutes until I decide to become an easy lay. Just to be safe I spike his drink with vervain. But when realize he's human, I let him take me back to his apartment three doors down from the book store I met him in.
He knows about literature and is good in bed. I let him introduce me to some of his friends and take me out to a lake to watch the sun set.
We have sex in the back of his old boat about three times before I realize that I can't feel anything. About three minutes after my fourth orgasm I recognize that I'm okay with that.
It is a Monday when I receive the voice mail I've been dreading. It is the same day I realize it's time to go home.
Harry gives me his number and makes me promise to call him if I ever decide to come back, then drives me to the airport so that I don't have to pay cab fare.
I listen to the voice mail for the first time while waiting for boarding time at the airport.
It's from Damon.
He doesn't say much, only one thing really and its enough to make me realize why I can't let things go back to the way they were before I left.
"Hey, I know you said don't call but, I never listen to what you say anyway." He chuckles and then hangs up.
I don't know what bothers me more, how little he actually says, or how much his words actually mean.
It is a Tuesday when I arrive. Jenna drives me from the airport and asks me all about where I have been, who I've met.
She tells me that the town has put a link to my writing on the town website, that everyone has been reading my work.
I answer politely but can't seem to find the words that make her feel like she hasn't lost me. I don't think she notices. When I get home Matt is in the kitchen with Jeremy making me dinner.
"You've been around too much European food so we thought you could use a nice home made classic American dinner," Matt jokes.
"Is that Mac and Cheese?" I answer, partially to seem interested an partially because I could actually use some comfort food.
"What else? And we have mashed potatoes, and a nice burger grilling." Jeremy seems really eager to have me home and that makes me happy. Maybe I did something right with him.
"So all the clichés then?"
Everyone laughs. "So, I know you just got back but some of your friends REALLY wanted to see you tonight so they are coming over for dinner too." Matt informs me. As if on cue the door bell rings. About two seconds later Caroline runs in with a pie in her hands. Behind her come Bonnie and Stefan.
The get together is in full swing but I can't seem to get into it.
"He isn't coming you know?" Alaric has managed to sneak up on me.
"Who?" I try and play innocent but we both know I have been keeping one eye on the door the whole night.
He just raises his brow at me in mockery and keeps talking. "He was going to but then he chickened out last minute. Said something about giving you some more space and grabbed a blonde on his way out of the door. If you ask me the blonde was more for show than anything else."
I don't say anything, just walk over to the fridge and grab myself a beer.
"You drink now?" Jeremy caught me in the act.
"Yeh, Europe mellowed me out so I'm less of a hard ass now." I wink at him and he grins.
"Could it be that my sister has finally come home! No more tragic Elena? Whatever am I going to do now when I need someone to yell at me? It isn't like Jenna is gonna crack the whip!"
"Hey, watch it. I can still 'crack the whip' I can just do it while holding a beer in the other hand."
Jeremy gives me a hug and then walks off to talk to Bonnie.
About three hours later I find myself on my front porch swing writing a new chapter. The party has died down and all that's left is Matt and Jenna cleaning up the house inside.
In my story I don't write much, but I make the main character, Samantha, sit at the local bar. As she sits there drinking her beer she is contemplating her feelings for Logan all she can seem to think is about how its time for her to make the move. Because, no matter how much of an ass Logan has always been, he has always tried his best to make her safe and happy. Just as she finds herself making that decision Logan comes into the bar and takes a seat.
'I'm done pretending,' Logan tells her. 'I'm done waiting. Let's stop lying to ourselves, and just be.'
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