Sorry guys. I've been really really busy. As you all know it is the end of the semester sooo… we got finals. =( Wah wah waaaaaahhhh!
Okay, about the story. I'm going to try and make it from Adam's point of view a lot more often now. But for some reason I'd much rather make him third person. If anyone disagrees tell me, and tell me why, so I can think it over. Cause I like it, but I feel bad that this story switches between first and third. I know a lot of other stories do it, but I don't mind honesty. So let me know.
And
Jace's Heart; I've got a bone to pick with you. Oh My God, do you not know of Pink Floyd? Pink Floyd's The Wall? Aaaahhhh! We are so in a fight! Lol no just kidding… but seriously? Oh my God we're so in a fight! No I'm kidding again. But seriously lol… no seriously. Tp answer your question already lol So since the last chapter was about Adam's past, he could speak. So the italics was NOT Adam, but lyrics… FROM PINK FLOYD Aaaahhh! We're so in a fight! I can't believe you didn't recognize those lyrics! You, me, parking lot! Midnight! Hahaha Just kidding for real this time. And sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, see sorry note above. Lol P.S. I am a huge Pink Floyd fan! :P
14. Redemption.
What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we use to talk?
How shall I fill the final spaces?
How should I complete the wall?
"I'm just a little weirded out, that's all." Jace confessed.
"Why?"
"He's almost twelve and he called us mommy and daddy?" I laughed silently with my back to Jace. I didn't want him to see that I was laughing at his obviously ridiculous reaction to being called daddy by a kid that wasn't his. I knew that Jace's ego was flattening by the second. And I understood why; I'm sure Jace wasn't expecting to be called that for at least six years or more, and by a kid that was actually ours. It was a typical guy thing, so I wasn't going to take it personal. I just hoped Adam wouldn't over hear, because Jace's reaction might just hurt him.
"I know, if we were his actual parents, that means we had him when we were like six or seven years old." I giggled at the thought, than I finally turned around to face Jace, while leaning against the kitchen counter. When I saw his face he wasn't even looking at me, his eyes looked like they were in a daze. I loved when he looked confused or lost… well not sad lost, just deep in thought lost. It was rare to see Jace at his most clumsiest, and it was fun to see because so.
"Big bro or sis, but not mommy and daddy." His voice sounded distant, like he was standing miles away, and speaking on a normal level. I just chuckled again, before turning around, and continued to cook breakfast. I made Adam and Jace's favorite; scrambled eggs and hot wings sauce. Jace got Adam hooked on those. I finished putting the eggs on the plates, and then called the boys to the table. Adam slowly came into the kitchen and sat down. He's been worrying me since he had the nightmare the other night.
He's been acting a little distant again, or maybe that's not the way to describe it, more sad than usual I guess. I tried to ask him, get him to budge, but he just continues to say that he's just tired lately. We sat at the table quietly; both Jace's eyes and mine were on our boy. I hate pushing him all the time; I know we're supposed to give him space. That's what therapist doctors have said. Children like him are even more fragile than most. We have to show we trust him or else he'll never trust us. And even if we do- which we do- crowding him just makes him feel like we're expecting him to do bad. Jace couldn't help but be worried about him, so of course he said something. Perhaps it's the silence? It is hard to bear sometimes.
"Hey," Jace said softly as he quickly stroke his non-scarred cheek with his index finger. Adam's eyes followed to Jace, waiting to see what Jace wanted. "What's wrong buddy?" Adam just shrugged and brought his gaze back down to his eggs, and returned to eating. "C'mon, pal." Jace pushed on. "We hate seeing you look like this. No one wants to be sad." Adam put down his forth and let out a loud tired huff.
"I don't want to talk about it." And like that he picked up his fork and started eating again. Okay, well at least that told us that something was in fact bothering him. But it's never a good thing to not talk about it either. For once I wanted to push, but Jace ended it for me.
"Okay, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Jace started digging into his eggs, I was about to protest when knocking sounded at the door.
"I got it." I said and got up to answer, leaving the boys alone. When I opened it, Magnus stood there with Alec behind him, which sort of startled me. Alec only came over once to warn us about Maryse, why was he here now? More bad news? My heart already started to race at the sight of him.
"Clary?" Magnus smiled. "Why do you look so flustered, child?" I shook my head to kind of regain concentration.
"Nothing, I'm just. I'm just tired." I decided to use Adam's excuse. Magnus sighed at my response, and shook his head.
"To relieve your stress I will tell you that we are not here to bear bad news, but to ask you something."
"Oh!" I said letting them in the doorway. "What did you want to ask me?"
"Well," Magnus continued, while taking off his scarf and shaking the snow off of it. "Allie, and I are going shopping for Christmas, and I was wondering if the little one wanted to join us."
"Christmas shopping with the two of you?" I questioned suspiciously. "Why?"
"I have my reasons, why must you be so nosy about Christmas shopping? Aren't you a little old for such a thing, Clarissa?" He giggled. I rolled my eyes at him.
"You're never too old to get excited over presents."
"That is indeed true, my dear."
"Fine." I smiled and huffed in disappointment. "I'll go ask him."
0o0o0
After Clary left I decided to have a one on one with Adam. I wasn't going to make him tell me what was wrong. I knew what it was like to bottle things in, thinking that if you don't talk about it, it'll go away.
"Hey, can I tell you something?" I said to him. He looked up at me while chewing the last of his eggs, and nodded. I took a napkin and wiped my mouth, and sat back in my chair. I looked at him longingly, taking in the scar on his cheek, and his damaged expression. It was like we were connected, I could feel everything he was feeling, and I wanted to make that go away for him. Angel knows it took nearly eight years for someone to come into my life to make the pain go away, and that someone was Clary. We both have so many things in common; we both love Clary very much because she saved us. Of course I love her differently than he does, but we both shared a similar reason.
"I wont make you tell me why you've been so sad lately. Although it is definitely not smart to keep it in like you're doing. But I wont force you, because that's not right either. Forcing you to do almost anything is almost as bad as abusing you, I hated it when no one would give me my space, so I'm giving you some. However, that doesn't stop me from giving you the best advice I could possibly give." He looked like he was listening very closely so I took that as a good thing.
"Whatever's bothering you has been bothering you since the night you had that nightmare, so I'm going to take a wild guess; whatever you dreamt, has you both scared and depressed. And I'm here to tell you that… it's okay to be scared. It only makes you human, and human is exactly what you are. Nothing more, nothing less. As for being sad the same rules apply. But you can't let what scares you keep you running forever. Believe me; I did it. You have to face it. What your past consists of is nothing but nightmares. But you don't have to let it control you forever, Adam."
"Don't be what you're afraid of. It only makes you your own worst enemy. And it keeps the fears and the sadness right at your front door, and they'll never go away unless you face the truth. You've done nothing wrong, and even if you've had, there is always room for forgiveness for those who ask for it. You love us don't you?"
Adam's eyes were wide, but he nodded. "Of course!"
"Then you're a good person. Love doesn't make you week, it makes you stronger. I use to believe the opposite. But not anymore. Love is what brought Clary to you; Love is why you're even still alive, from your family protecting you. Love is what got you and Clary out of there. Love is what brings you right here to this very moment. Even Mickey knew that Love defeats a demon, Pal." I smiled at him. "If Mickey and Malorie know that, than you certainly can. Don't be what you fear, because that's what's going to be your downfall."
Adam was speechless- heh! Yeah speechless Jace, he can't talk. I wanted to slap myself for thinking that. Anyways the point is that he was taking my words into consideration.
"Adam?" Clary came back into the kitchen. "Magnus wants to know if you want to go Christmas shopping with him and Alec."
"Shopping with two queers?" I muttered sarcastically under my breath. "Yeah that'll be fun."
"I heard that, Angel boy!" Magnus snapped.
"I don't mind going." Adam signed.
"Okay, then go get your coat and scarf, make sure you're warm." Clary told him. Adam stood up from the table and left the kitchen. He got ready looking as warm as he can get. Before he walked out the door with my brother and the warlock I called out to him.
"Adam!" He turned to look at me. "Please think about what I said." He nodded then left, with Magnus behind him, but not before stopping and saying to us. "Besides, you two could use some alone time." He winked at us; all the while I just rolled my eyes.
0o0o0
They entered different stores looking for presents for everyone they knew. Magnus told Adam that this was his golden opportunity to buy something for Jace and Clary. The heaviness in his heart grew only heavier when he said that to him.
"I don't have any money." He told Magnus, all the tall glowing man did was chuckle at him.
"Trust me my boy, you don't need money today." Adam forced a smile on his face, but he saw something flash in Magnus's cat-like eyes, Adam wasn't sure what it was, but he had a bad feeling that Magnus knew that he wasn't having as much fun as he'd hoped. He was trying to have fun, he truly was, but the memories were a traffic jam inside his mind, and it made him feel like all the memories had moved from his brain and into his stomach, and by each passing second they were rising up, and he was ready to vomit. Throw up the bad memories in black, just like the other nightmares.
And Jace's words repeating in his head;
Love is what saved you.
Don't be what you're afraid of.
What was he afraid of? Adam looked up at Alec who hasn't said two words to him since he stabbed him in the leg so many nights ago. Alec barely looked at him as a matter of fact, which only made him feel guiltier. Face your fears and your sadness. What if he ran? Would it be better by himself? He often pictured himself alone in the slaughterhouse back when he was there. Having the place to himself, and the isolation would be blissful. But he could never do that to Jace and Clary, especially Clary.
Magnus had him look at many different things he could get for Jace and Clary for Christmas, but nothing seemed to be good enough. A teddy for Clary? No way, Clary already has a couple of stuffed animals, what's one more? Just another teddy that's what. A necklace? Bracelet? Clary doesn't wear much jewelry, the only thing she has the ring on her necklace, but that was it. A t-shirt? No!
It frustrated Adam to the fullest, nothing was good enough.
Magnus looked down at him as Adam grumpily shoved something else back on its shelf. "You know, you don't have to buy them something, sometimes something made from the heart is more than good enough." He smiled down at him. Adam wasn't in the right state of mind to take what he said positively. So he went and sat on a bench, giving up.
Magnus sighed at the boy, and decided to leave him be. He was having a hard day as it was. He headed to the make up department.
Adam felt tears stinging his eyes, but he was trying with all his might to stop them from flowing. He felt like the most horrible person for going with a friend to have fun, but to only be a buzz kill. But he thought that maybe he just needed to get out of the house. Maybe he needed time away from Jace and Clary. Not that they were bothering him, just because he thought he needed time to think.
Apparently this wasn't the answer, and he should've just stayed home. All the images were running through his mind, and even though he couldn't feel pain, his heart hurt. He had told his mother- his real mother he hated her as his last words. He failed to help his baby sister, and deep down enjoyed stabbing Isabelle.
Love is what saved you.
Exactly. Jace was right, that's why he couldn't save his family, because he told her he hated her. He was being punished for his words. Why speak if all you do is hurt people when you do? He looked up and saw Alec standing in front of him with his back to him. He obviously was observing something on a shelf. Not even noticing Adam.
Face your fears. Don't be what you fear.
So Adam stood up and slowly approached Alec from behind, he grasped his sleeve and tugged. Alec turned around, slightly startled until he saw Adam, his gaze relaxed.
"Oh damn! I thought you were something else." Alec breathed out a sigh of relieve. "What's wrong?" He asked Adam. "Do you need anything?"
"I wanted to say I'm sorr-"
"I'm sorry, buddy. I cannot understand sign language." The sadness in Adam's heart increased a bit. He had no piece of paper to write on, so with that he gave up.
"Never mind." He shook his head and turned away, and sat back down.
Alec looked at Adam's sagging feature curiously. He went off to find Magnus, who was still over by the makeup. He walked up to him looking at a red eye shadow and speaking with a representative.
"Red Passion it's called?" He said.
"Yes sir." The women replied back.
"The problem is that I don't do well with red eye shadow. Blues, purples and Pinks show up on me, but red seems a little dull for its color."
"Well perhaps it's the brand you have been using?" She asked.
"I'm thinking that may be it."
"Mag?" Alec interrupted.
"What, Allie?"
"Something's up with Adam. Magnus glanced over at Adam sitting far off on a bench, not speaking to anyone.
"Yes, the boy's been having a rough time lately."
"He tried to say something to me, but I couldn't understand." Alec said.
"Well, I think he's been trying to get your attention all day."
"What? When? And why?"
"All day, and because you've been ignoring him."
"I have not!"
"Oh yes you have!" Magnus finally stopped analyzing the eye shadow to look at his boyfriend. "I understand he stabbed both you and Izzy, but he's very damaged, and needed help. Now that he's in a better state of mind, all the guilt is settling in. That's what's wrong with him today. It's all coming back, and since Jace and Clary have beaten a conscience into him, all the guilt is piling up at once. How would you feel if you were just a child and done so many bad things, and not even at your own account?" Alec stumbled backwards a bit almost as if Magnus had slapped him.
"I don't know, I haven't been raised in a cruel dark environment." Alec answered with an unsure expression.
"Exactly, Alexander. You don't know."
He watched as other children begged their parents to tell them what they were getting for Christmas. Begging to open presents before Christmas. Talking about Santa Claus. All of them happy, all of them with family. The tears finally spilled over, and he didn't even try to hide the sobs that erupted from his throat.
Momma loves her baby
And Daddy loves you too
And the sea may look warm to you babe
And the sky may look blue
If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear stained eyes
Don't be surprised, when a crack in the ice
appears under your feet
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice….
Is there anybody out there…?
If there was a Santa why didn't he save him? If there were a Santa Adam would've only wanted one present… to go home. But there is no Santa Claus. How come it took five years for someone to save him? How come it took the deaths of many girls out there? So many are out there buried beneath the hay. And he helped put them there…
Wait a minute…
That's why Santa never came…
Because he helped.
He helped hide them, burn them, and get rid of them.
He helped hurt them.
Adam couldn't take crying in front of the world anymore. He stood up from the bench and ran out the doors of the store. He has never been out without either Jace or Clary before, but he would figure out his own way home. He was smart enough; he could make it on his own. He remembered the signs, and the subways. He'll figure it out.
Run, run, run
You better make your face up in
Your favorite disguise
With your button down lips
And your roller blind eyes
With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
feel the bile rising from your guilty past
with your nerves in tatters
When the conch shell shatters
And the hammers batter down your door
You'd better run
Run, run, run
You better run all day
and run all night
keep your dirty feelings
deep inside…
0o0o0
Jace had left to go grab some things from the grocery store for me. Yeah we had some alone time, but being the fact that we're kind of parents now, we kind of took a nap instead. It felt almost as good as sex… kind of. I heard the door creak and assumed it was Jace. I laughed and asked if he got me ice cream. I was craving it today, and I was hoping it would cheer up Adam when he got back with Magnus and Alec.
No answer. I could've sworn I heard someone come in. But then I felt like someone was standing behind me, I turned swiftly to have someone grab my throat surprisingly. When I was able to comprehend what was going on, I saw who it was. The same man who took Adam. How?
He shoved me backwards; I hit my head on the corner of the counter. I felt like the lights behind my eyes burnt out. I could practically feel my brain bounce off the walls of my skull. My sight was blurred… fuck that! It wasn't even blurred I was aware, but all I saw was darkness. I was worried that he had knocked a screw lose in my brain, and now I was blind. I felt his boot come down on my throat. I couldn't breathe. I brought my hands to his leg, trying to remove his smelly-ass shoe away from me. My eyesight was slowly clearing; I looked up at him to see that he was holding something in his hand. He dropped it by my head, when I turned to look at it, it was my wallet.
My fucking wallet. My mundane I.D. and Social Security card, and whatever else that gave me away was in that damn thing! That's how he found us!
"Where is my boy?" He demanded out of me.
"He is not your boy." I managed to say in barely a breath. "You stole him!" We both heard a noise from outside. Jace.
"Ja-!" I tried to scream for him, but he removed his shoe from my throat to only let it make hard contact with my face, knocking me out of the loop completely… I heard muffled sounds, and saw absolute blackness…
0o0o0
He found an aluminum bat leaning against the wall, and waited quietly for whoever was outside to walk in. the second the door opened, he swung the bat, hearing a loud crack, and the tall golden boy fell forward, blood leaking out from the back of his head.
"I will get my boy back."
0o0o0
He followed the streets, signs, and the names. Thank goodness he knows how to read now. It took him hours, but he made it home. His tears felt like they were frozen to his face. He walked up the walk way, already taking off his scarf and hat when he entered the front door the first thing he saw was an unconscious Jace, tied up with rope. He dropped everything in his hands, his coat and scarf.
Panic rose up inside him as he went further in the house, he heard whimpering coming from the living room, he saw a large figure hunched over Clary, he knew who it was. Oh God did he know. Clary caught sight of him, and her eyes bulged.
"Adam run! Run away!" She screamed. Graham turned around, and saw him. Adam use to run base to base hardly ever getting out or just missing the plate, he could out run him this time. He just knew it. Graham made to get up and grab him, but Adam was already taking off to run out the door, he ran through the yard and the bushes, jumping the fence and disappearing into the darkness, all the while hearing Graham cry for him.
"Please, I need you!"
0o0o0
I was trying to work at getting myself lose; I was praying that Adam escaped. I was praying with all my strength. For once I was having a lot of trouble getting myself lose, but I was panicking. Jace always told me not to panic. But it was too late, he returned, but without Adam. Now I was praying he hadn't hurt him. Tears ran down my face as I begged to know where Adam was.
"Please, he's just a boy leave him alone." I begged.
"He's gone!" He said, his voice dark and husky. I sobbed hoping he didn't mean what I think he meant. "You came along and ruined everything!" He shouted. "I loved that boy! And you stole him from me!"
0o0o0
He finally stopped running. He stopped and bent down, holding on to his knees, trying to catch his breath. He obviously wasn't following him anymore, but what will he do now? Where could he go? The memories came rushing back to him. He thought of all the times someone could've saved him, but no one did. All the times he could've escapes, but he didn't.
In his small short moment, Adam came to realize that the world they lived in was always dark and scary. So many people today are selfish, so many people believe in every man for himself. He started to realize he was more than glad that Clary saved him, than anybody else. One of the other girls could've saved him, but as soon as they were safe they would've dropped him off at the nearest orphanage.
Well, my job is done; would've been their thoughts.
But Clary came, and she didn't just take him out of there, she kept him. Took care of him, never gave up on him. She never left him behind. Therefore, he will not leave her behind! Clary was proof that there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for!
Hey you
Out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you
Standing in the isles
With itchy feet
And fading smiles
Can you feel me
Hey you
Don't help them to bury the light
Don't give in
Without a fight!
Adam turned around and wandered into another neighbor's yard. Jumping fences and ducking branches.
Hey you
Out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Will you touch me
Hey you
With your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Will you touch me
Hey you
Will you help me to carry the stone
Open your heart
I'm coming home!
Adam ran through the woods, the bulls still blurred his vision but he ignored them. Just like Clary had said to him that first night they escaped. It's not real. It's nothing.
And nothing will stop him from facing his fears tonight. He wasn't going to coward like the way many do in this world. He was going to pay back Clary for all she has done. He wasn't going to leave her when she refused to leave him. He jumped the last gate and made it to the front yard and darted up the path, bursting through the front door. He saw his aluminum baseball bat on the floor not far from where Jace lay. He picked it up, and bent down over Jace, he stroked his hair, hoping that told him that everything would be okay. He stood up and moved further into the living room…
It was only fantasy
The Wall was too high
As you can see
No matter how he tried
He could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain.
He slowly went into the living room and he saw him hunched over her again. He heard her say something to him, and what she said, made him fall to his knees.
"I needed help, I couldn't bear doing it alone. And my father, he made me!" Graham had said to her.
"And just like your father, you made Adam do the same things, except to people! You hurt him, just as bad as your father hurt you." She said with anger and venom dripping from her tongue. And Graham fell to his knees and began to sob, but that didn't soften Adam's heart not even in the slightest.
He slowly came up behind him, and Clary saw, but she said nothing. Her face was full of shock. As she stared up at Adam's determined expression. Graham sat back, as if knowing he was there.
"My boy…" He said, and like that Adam swung back the bat and let it come down on Graham's back. He fell forward and rolled on to his back. When he looked up and saw the boy's hurt, but hollow expression. He said a few more words.
"I'm sorry…. Thank you…" Adam swung the bat, and bashed it into Graham's skull, and continued to do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Blood was flying up, and splashing Adam in the face, and his shirt. The blood poured from Graham's head, and Adam hadn't planned on stopping until he heard Clary scream.
"Adam stop! Please stop!" He did as he was told. He stopped and stepped back, letting the baseball bat fall to the ground at his feet.
Hey you
Out there on the road
Always doing what your told
Can you help me
Hey you
Out there beyond the wall
Breaking bottles in the hall
Can you help me?
Hey you
Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand
Divided we fall..
we fall
we fall
we fall
He helped Clary get untied as they heard rushing coming from the front of the house. Turns out Alec and Magnus had returned, they of course found Jace first, and Alec had begun healing him. Adam had completely untied Clary, and walked back to Graham's corpse and continued to stare. The others crowded in the living room, Jace rushing to Clary and holding her.
"Oh God!" Magnus said. "Well, that is by far a work of art." Magnus said gesturing about the body that now lay in the middle of the living room.
"Adam?" Clary questioned. "Are you okay?" His face was vacant again, as he stared down at the only parent he knew for five years. His mouth opened, and sound came out… five simple words without a single stutter, and as clear as a whistle.
"Just like he showed me…."
Songs all by Pink Floyd's The Wall
**Empty Spaces**
**The Thin Ice**
**Run Like Hell**
**Hey You**
The Wall Interpretation:
Okay since I have mistaken and not everyone knows about Pink Floyd's The Wall.. Which is a SIN in my opinion. lol. But I'm gonna let it go for now. Hehehe.
So for all who have not experienced Pink Floyd I highly recommend going to youtube and looking up these songs. AND renting and/or buying/downloading the film The Wall! THE BEST MUSICAL FILM EVER MADE! If anyone is under 16 or has really sensitive parents don't watch it, cause there's nudity, drugs, and a lot of other graphic scenes. Anyways; the film is about Pink who has dwelled deep into a depression. He suffers from a lot of psychological problems. He had an overprotective mother. A father who died during the World War. So he grew up in England with an over protective mother, without a father, and went to catholic school where the teachers were very highly abusive. Hence the song Another Brick In The Wall….
Which, how do you guys not know that song?
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone!
All and all it's all just bricks in the Wall!
C'mon everyone knows the lyics! Even if you don't know the band you HAVE to know the lyrics. It's like telling me you don't know the Beatles…. DON'T any of you tell me that either! Lol.
Anyways Pink grows up to be a rebellious rock star. Gets involved in drugs and blah blah blah. After his wife leaves him, which I am sure it was due to alcohol abuse and such, he dives even deeper into his depression. He refuses to perform, or even leave his hotel room. So his jerk manager shoots him up with heroine to get him going so he can perform, and basically make them money. Hence the song Comfortably Numb
Okay, just a little pinprick
They'll be no more AAAAHHHHH!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
Do you believe it's working?
Good
That'll keep you going for the show
C'mon it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what your saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
The Wall is the emotional block Pink has created in his mind, a Wall between him and reality. And each brick is a bad memory that built the wall. That is why I am using this Album for Adam. He has built a wall between himself and the world. And each negative impact on his life is a brick in the Wall, building higher and higher around him, closing him off from the world, and everyone who loves him…
Understand now? =)
Again! You all NEED to see The Wall, and open your minds up to more classic rock ESPECIALLY Pink Floyd. THIS is what the definition of music is! Okay I am done with the explanation. lol I'll be updating Slut Year too! =)