A/N: Sorry about how late this chapter has been I have just had the craziest time lately. I promise to keep writing if you continue to keep reading and reviewing; again sorry for the delay.

A/N2: This chapter is a fillerish chapter that sort of shows a shift in J.J.'s character and is a set up for the more angsty chapters to come. Hope you enjoy!

Mount Horizon, Agnes Washington

"To think after Sophie and Peter did everything they could Daisy still ended up working with the dead," J.J. laughed as she and Juliette pulled into the Horizon parking lot.

"The county hadn't had a steady medical examiner for a few years before Daisy stepped up, besides we all knew from day one that the dead were her calling," Juliette smiled as she looked up and saw Reid waiting for J.J. like a puppy, "He's adorable."

"Not today," J.J. said solemnly as she started grabbing bags from the seat behind her, "Today he's a nuisance."

"Shel the boy is hung up on you," Juliette bent down by her feet to pick up the bags on the floor, "When was the last time you went on a date, not just sex but an actual date?"

"We are not having this conversation," J.J. huffed as she opened the driver's side door hoping in vain that Reid might be waiting for someone else, "Shouldn't you be in the library all comfy with a stack of books?"

"J.J. you've been avoiding me all day," Reid stood up from the steps of the admin building as J.J. and Juliette got out of the car their arms filled with bags, "Here let me help."

"Reid I've just been busy," J.J. lied as she ducked past him ignoring his offer, even though she knew he wouldn't take the hint and leave, "Jess got into Agnes this morning, Daisy and her assistant are doing the finishing touches on her for tomorrow, I had to get clothes for everyone for the weekend, and we needed to pick up the flowers for the service."

"Here Shel I'll take these in," Juliette smiled and walked in front of J.J. stopping her in her tracks, "You two need to talk."

"Seriously Jules?" J.J. shouted as Juliette's dark locks turned the corner to the trail that lead to the dorms, "I don't want to talk about last night Reid."

"We still need to talk," Reid said sweetly and motioned with his head towards the path to the docks, "Please?"

J.J. nodded refusing to look him in the eyes as they started down the path in silence.

"This is one of the most visually stunning places I've ever been," Reid smiled an awkward smile as he sat on the edge of one of the docks, his smile shrinking slightly as J.J. sat down next to him.

"Reid…" J.J. looked at her hands as she thought, more ashamed of herself with each second of silence that passed between them.

Reid looked out over the water too nervous to look at J.J., his mismatched socks showing from under his pant legs contrasting not only each other but the wood of the docks as well, "Last n-night you were s-someone else… you w-were cruel, aggressive, you refused to listen, and you called me Spencer, and it scared me. I was afraid for you, that I'd lost you… I m-mean that we'd lost you."

"Spence," J.J. started as she briefly looked over at Reid who was now looking at her with large knowing eyes. Even though she had said she didn't want to talk about what had happened she knew that they both had things they had to get out if they were going to move forward.

"J.J. you're my best friend, I trust you with my life," Reid pulled his knees close to his body and continued, "I know you trust me and that you still need time. I just don't want you to think you're going through this alone."

"I am," J.J. said softly and pushed back the tears that were forming at the thought of losing Reid and the team after they found out what she'd done.

"No you're not," Reid said in a stronger voice forcing her to look at him again.

"I've always dealt with things on my own," J.J. said in a tired voice before looking back at her hands and then out over the water, "I've always been cold and strong because that's what I had to be."

"J.J. the only thing you have to be is you," Reid said tilting his head to look over at J.J. again curious as to what might be running through her head.

"You and I both know that's not true," J.J. said as she watched a flock of birds pass over the lake.

"You're the most compassionate person I've ever met," Reid said unsure of what else to say.

"J.J. is not me, none of you know me, I don't even know me," J.J. said, hidden irritation piercing through her calm façade with each word she spoke, "Peter, Sophie, Scott, Daisy, Jules… Not a single person knows what I am, what I've done, where I've been. I've hurt people Spence, I've done awful things! Damn it! My own mother hates me and you're trying to tell me I'm not alone?"

"I know the person you've become and I'd like to know who you were," Reid said trying as hard as he could to not analyze everything she said and just do his best to be a friend, "As long as you have us you'll never be alone."

"That's the thing though isn't it?" J.J. said looking over at Reid her gaze far away as if she was lost somewhere in her mind, "I won't have any of you for much longer, no job, no family, and no friends."

"J.J. we won't leave you," Reid looked down at his hands nervously and then wrapped his arms around his knees making his body even more compact, "I w-won't leave you."

"I've actually heard that before, or Shelby has," J.J. said angrily as she felt another of her walls fall, "It was a lie."

"You talk about her like she's not a part of who you are," Reid laughed awkwardly choosing not to address J.J.'s apparent disbelief in how much the team not only counted on her but loved her.

"They told me to become a phoenix," J.J. said softly her anger melting as she thought back on the last time she'd seen her father, "So that's what I did."

"The phoenix, a mythical bird that dies in a fiery blaze of glory only to be reborn from the ashes," Reid pondered out loud.

"J.J.'s my favorite," She said with a small smile as she thought about how much better her life had been since she'd become J.J. .

"What?" Reid asked looking back from his feet to J.J. who was pushing a small section of hair behind her ear her vulnerability in the moment clear.

"Out of all the people I've been J.J.'s my favorite," J.J. said calmly as she tucked her legs underneath her, "Shelby was cruel, Silver was tired, and then there's J.J. who is the most compassionate person you've ever met."

"I thought you said I didn't know you," Reid said with a slight smile glad to hear a little more light in J.J.'s voice.

"You don't, not as a whole but you know J.J.," She said as she stole a quick glance at Reid.

"J.J. you can't just section off parts of yourself," Reid said as he searched her large blue eyes for an answer, "You can't just stop being one and start being another, there's always crossover."

"I did it for years, Spence, so why can't I do it now?" J.J. asked sadness clear in her voice.

"Because that's just not the way it works," Reid said apologetically wishing he had a fact or statistic that somehow made it just a little bit easier.

"I remember being Shelby," J.J. said after awhile unable to keep her mouth shut no matter what her brain said, "I remember the exact moment I became J.J., the moment I buried Shelby so deep in the back of the darkest corner I could find Spence, and now… and now I can't keep her in her box anymore, the walls that I built, the ones that kept her away, I can feel them slipping. I can feel her and Silver each fighting for a piece of me each fighting to be heard and my walls just keep falling one at a time and I can't stop them. It's like Pandora's Box, the moment I saw Jess so cold and exposed my box opened and everything started coming out, everything that J.J. built started falling apart, everything I have is falling apart."

"You remember what was in the bottom of the box, what was in the back corner, don't you?" Reid smiled as he thought of Pandora and J.J. .

"Hope," J.J. said softly, "Jess was my hope; she was going to be better than I ever was, she..."

"J.J.," Reid stopped afraid he would just make things worse.

"Spence," J.J. paused waiting for Reid to look at her before she continued, "Do you ever think of Georgia?"

"S-sometimes," Reid said quickly before noticing the smirk on J.J.'s face, "What?"

"I hit a nerve," J.J. said matter-o-factly, "You only trip over your words when you're really nervous or uncomfortable, or when you're too excited and are trying to say too many things at once."

"I think about Georgia a lot," Reid admitted though he was curious why J.J. brought it up.

"I think about it too," J.J. said as she looked back down at her hands preparing herself to jump into uncharted waters, "I think about those dogs and about watching you die…"

"J.J. that was not your fault, I'm the one who decided to split up," Reid interrupted remembering J.J. beating herself up right after the team found him kneeling over Tobias Hankle's dead body.

"I remember looking through Tobias's life and relating with him, Shelby or the part of me that is Shelby or was… I don't know I just understood him so well," J.J. said her voice filled with shame and confusion as she made a point to not look at Reid.

"It's our job to understand the unsub," Reid offered though he knew exactly what she meant.

"Being in that house broke something in me Spence," J.J. tried to explain, "Ever since we found Jess I haven't been able to stop thinking about Tobias, about the Dilaudid, about blood trickling from your forehead, about how sad you looked with only one sock on as you limped away from his body."

Reid just sat and thought for a moment trying to understand what J.J. was trying to say to him.

"It was too much," J.J. said barely above a whisper her voice filled with tears though none fell from her eyes, "I know that you guys think I'm not reacting properly, that I'm not crying like Juliette, or overly angry like Daisy, or working through it maturely like Peter or Sophie or Scott."

"Everyone grieves differently though there are certain steps th…You know about the Dilaudid," Reid said surprised by how surprised he felt knowing that J.J. knew.

"It takes one to know one," J.J. said softly looking over at Reid once again, studying his reaction, "Those days and nights we spent in Georgia trying to find you, watching you suffer, those nights Shelby got loose for the first time and I locked her back up but now she just comes and goes as she pleases… I can't be that girl again, I can't be Shelby and I definitely can't be Silver."

"What was it for you?" Reid asked finding himself more surprised and more willing to stay by J.J.'s side than ever before.

"Crank at first, but then somewhere along the way heroin became what got me through," J.J. admitted as she watched a group heading back from a day hike on the mountain closest to the lake, "I have 4326 days one day at a time."

"That's nearly twelve years," Reid said instantly amazed at how strong a person J.J. had to be to have walked away from something as strong as heroin.

"This morning while Juliette and I were out I dropped her off at a store and drove around until I found someone who looked like they were selling," J.J. stopped and took a deep breath hating how out of control she felt, "I sat in the car for an hour just watching him, go about his business just wishing I could do something to fix this… I do have feelings Spence I just can't break down, I can't be weak, and being angry seems silly considering."

"Using can't fix this," Reid said worried as J.J. reached into her pocket, "If anything using any sort of drug right now would just make things worse, it could cripple you."

"That's why I called the operator and got the number for the local Narcotics Anonymous meetings," J.J. shrugged hating how even with nearly twelve years of sobriety she could still feel like a junkie if too much pressure fell on her.

Reid exhaled the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as he read the paper she had handed him, "Its tonight."

"I know we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow but I was wondering if you might want to go with me," J.J. said feeling as small and useless as she did when she was Shelby, "I wasn't going to go earlier, but I know this urge will just get worse…"

"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day," Reid smiled as he folded the note up and put it in his pocket, the dinner bell ringing in the distance.