A/N: Again, I may have taken some liberties here, but it's all in the name of good writing. Unbeta'd and it's the end.
Disclaimer: Glee, isn't mine. Sadly.
Her fathers are crying when they come out of the gates of the park. His mother and stepbrother are pretty much doing the same beside them and he can't even bother to be embarrassed because Rachel is glowing.
Her tan hasn't faded even though they've been back in Lima for more than a month and it's almost fall. Which means New York. And college for him. She's coming with him, she just doesn't know what she's going to do once she's there in New York. Truthfully, the only reason he considered New York was because of Rachel. And even though they both know what lies ahead, he would've still chosen New York. Because that's where she wants to be. He can build a new dream for her, with her. Dammed the consequences. She did mention Broadway, but he's not sure about that. Still, he's not going to dash her hopes after the nuisance he made of himself on the beach in Greece. She's on medication for her pain and headaches and she's been having more and more good days so for now, they'll just live in the moment.
Kurt turns her yard into a dance floor, complete with an actual dance floor. Food, music and family and friends and he doesn't mind so much the whispers about getting married this young, and the heartache that he's bound to suffer in a few years because it's inevitable that his wife is dying, so, yea he ignores that.
But when their friends from school, and Rachel's boss from the flower shop, the only job she's ever had, mention that it's nice to see true love like theirs and they should make each other happy for as long as they can, this is what he thinks about when he dances with his lovely wife.
She sings – ironically, the song that won them Sectionals the first time they ever made it there – and a light rain starts falling and the party drifts towards the garage and inside the house but he stays outside with her just a little while longer because he's always loved when it drizzles.
He still sucks at dancing, he doesn't think it's getting better anytime soon, but she hums happily as she sways in his arms.
She reaches her fingers up and caresses his jaw, rubbing her fingers over his freckles, and he presses a finger to the mole on her cheek. She pushes herself onto her toes and kisses him, soft and sweet, whispering against his lips.
"Thank you. For this, for today. For this moment."
It's still drizzling and he knows they need to go inside soon but she looks almost angelic standing in front of him, never mind the wetness on her lashes or that her hair is wet and sticking to her face. He doesn't think she can ever not be beautiful and he kisses her again.
"Finn, if you don't get Rachel inside this very minute, she'll be a widow before you can even blink!" Santana's scream breaks them apart and Rachel giggles into his shoulder.
But then Kurt appears beside her and screams at them, well, more at Rachel. "Rachel Hudson! Are you crazy! You do not get vintage lace wet in cold water!" Because, of course, Kurt would be more distraught over clothes.
Rachel snickers again and then steps back pulling on his hands to lead them inside. He lifts her up just as she's about to step into the garage and she squeals then throws her head back as she laughs.
Someone snaps a picture and he bends his head to kiss her again, steadfastly ignoring Kurt and Santana because Rachel Hudson is in his arms.
Being married to Finn was easy. She kisses him goodnight and good morning every day. They've already had a honeymoon but their parents still send them to Cleveland for a weekend. They don't exactly leave the hotel room.
Her father tells her they'll help them find a studio near Finn's school in New York and help them with rent as long as they need them to. She sees Finn about to protest and covers his mouth with her hand.
"Thank you Dads. I'm going to try and find a job when I get there so you won't have to be taking care of us for too long. We're married now and we should act like we're married."
Her dad raises his eyebrow at her and shakes his head in quiet laughter. They don't discuss the whens anymore. They just go through each day like the last, with hope.
Her fathers leave for another trip a few days after they're married. So until they finish packing and move with the rest of their friends who're going to New York she plays house with her new husband. Finn still works for his stepfather at the garage and she still gives piano lessons to middle-schoolers. She knows she won't be able to do that for long, but still.
She's in the kitchen making dinner when Finn comes home after work one evening. He's greasy and sexy and sweaty as he stands in the doorway. She's used to this sight when they first started dating but could never really do much about it back then.
Now?
"Take your clothes off."
"Rach?"
"Everything but your undergarments."
He does as she asks and she picks them up and hurries to the laundry room, shoves them into the washing machine and goes back to the kitchen, stepping around him to turn the stove off. He leans against the doorway as he watches her.
"I've dreamt about this, about you." She watches as one of his eyebrows rise. "Coming home from work, all sweaty and tired. And I'd take you to the bathroom, and strip you naked and-,"
She doesn't exactly finish because Finn has her in his arms so fast she's dizzy for a second and striding towards the stairs, his eyes heated and dark.
She loved being married to the man of her dreams.
So. College.
The only reason he knows he's on Columbia University's campus is because of those last few months of high school, four years of athletics and three killer letters of recommendation that cinched his football scholarship. She practically vibrated with happiness when he had told her and after reluctantly saying their goodbyes to Lima, she was helping him pick out his classes on the living room floor of their small studio apartment in Brooklyn.
He doesn't really know what he plans to study yet and Rachel is patient enough to be his sounding board when he throws ideas at her.
"OK. What do you see yourself doing in the next five years?"
He grins wolfishly at her and she throws a cushion at him. "Seriously. You hang around with Noah too much."
He just laughs and kisses her toes, going back to flipping through the college handbook.
"Really though, Finn. What is it you like doing? If you enjoy what it is you're doing as a career, it won't seem like such a hassle in the future." He stares at her while she looks through a bunch of records. If he had it his way this would have been her here choosing classes. She had planned to go to Tisch, first step on her way to Broadway. And she got in. She got accepted to every school she applied for, some with scholarships and he's knows in another life she would have been magnificent on stage.
Now, she works at a music store two blocks over. The manager was impressed with her repertoire and knowledge of so many artistes, albums, genres and even composers. She was hired on the spot and usually instead of music over the speakers, she would sing.
He sets his schedule so he can walk her to work in the morning, and they can walk back home together afterwards. He only uses his truck when she's too tired or having really bad headaches to leave the house. Most days he tries to stay with her but she chases him out of the house and yells at him for slacking off.
But she loves the music store. He wishes he could put her on a stage and she could sing for as long as she wants to, like Broadway, or better. People could come in and buy coffee or lunch or dinner, but really they'd come by just to hear her sing. And he'd sit in the audience with their children and they'd cheer loudly and scream for an encore.
If wishes were daydreams then I'd dream for you.
He likes music and he likes business so he'll work with those.
They drive home for Thanksgiving with Kurt and Blaine snoring in the backseat. She tries to stay awake to keep Finn company but she's too tired. Finn has to bring her inside the house and he carries her to the bathroom so she can throw up.
Carole comes into the room with a bottle of water and a cup of vegetable soup and her pills. She shoos Finn out of the room and helps her undress before sitting beside her on the bed.
"Eat."
She doesn't protest to her mother-in-law, the woman is a tyrant and as stubborn as Finn is. She loves her for it.
When she's had enough, she hands the cup back and settles on the pillows behind her.
"Mom, can I ask you something?" Carole's eyes twinkle every time she calls her that, it's become sort of a habit, she already talks to her almost every day back in New York and with Kurt and Finn doing it, and she just does it too. Finn grins every time she does.
"What is it sweetie?"
"Do you think it would be selfish I ever froze my eggs?"
She's surprised at the answer Carole gives and it's still on her mind when she asks her friends at lunch the next day.
"Rachel, are you sure about this?" That'd be Santana.
"Don't you think you're being a bit unfair here?" And Tina just had to put her opinion out there as well.
"You can't do that to Finn. He'll be devastated. You're already dying, you made him marry you. Now you're going to do something like this and leave him behind?"
She turns to Quinn with fire in her eyes so much so that the other woman steps back.
"I did not make him do anything. He chose to marry me, I tried to stop him, remember? I don't need to leave behind a husband on top of everything else! But. Finn has always wanted children. You may think this is selfish of me, but you all know it will take him forever to move on from this. And I want you to promise me, all of you that you'll make sure he doesn't lay around scratching his crotch and drinking beer." She glares at her friends, their friends now, and his brother.
Kurt puts a hand on her shoulder. "Sweetie. Think about what you're doing here. You're freezing your eggs so if Finn decides he wants a child with you he can. But you won't be here. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and you're robbing him of that gift."
She knows they'd see it that way. So maybe she's selfish, isn't she's allowed that much? She wants kids. She loves kids and a little part of her dies quicker every time she thinks that she'll never feel a baby, Finn's baby growing inside her. She'll never wake him up in the middle of the night with weird cravings and he'll never kiss her over and over every time she complains that she's too huge. He'll never kiss her growing belly or argue with her over names or if they want a boy or girl (in her fantasies it's always a little girl with Finn's eyes and nose). She'll never wake up in odd hours of the morning to breastfeed or sit in Finn's dad's old recliner and sing or read stories to a beautiful baby.
They've talked about it and she knows it breaks his heart a little because they know that will never be a reality. Pregnancy will be too much of a stress on her already weakening body and she's just not callous to get pregnant. It never will be an option.
The inevitability of her life has never frightened her more.
Five years.
She's hung on for five years but she knows she's running out of time. She's come this far because Finn refused to let her die. He stood beside her all this time, doctor's visit, days when she could barely move, can't keep anything down. She knows he's throwing his life away by sticking around her but she's selfish enough to let him stay. And she's selfish enough to want this for him because everyone else gets to live but there's something pressing on her brain and it won't let her live for much longer.
And yes, she's selfish enough to want a part of her to be left behind when she's long gone.
"Fine. I'm selfish. And maybe it's unfair. But is it such a bad thing? If Finn doesn't want to do it, then fine. He doesn't have to. But at least I can put the option out there. I'll be gone. But one day, if he wants to, he can have a little girl or a little boy that's part of both of us. At least I'll be alive somehow."
She's tried not to cry for so long but she's really tired of keeping the tears at bay now. So when first Tina then Mercedes come up to her and wrap her in their arms she just sinks to the ground and let them hold her because if nothing else, at least they have a choice. And so will Finn.
She never had one.
He kisses her at midnight on New Year's Eve. And she turned 21 in September so of course, it calls for a celebration.
Fine, they don't go out partying like the rest of New York because she was really too weak to walk anywhere but the living room. Mercedes and Kurt come over and they drink sparkling grape juice and sing at the top of their voices. She messes up some of the words to Auld Lang Syne but they laugh it off and keep on singing. He watches the way both Kurt and Mercedes hug her a little tighter and a little longer afterwards.
After they leave and she closes the door behind them, he pushes her against it, presses his hips into hers and kisses her hard.
"Wow." She breathes against his lips. He chuckles, his hand running underneath her shirt.
"It's a new year baby. I haven't touched you all year." He murmurs.
She laughs at his corniness and then she's pushing him away dragging her shirt off and pressing her mouth against his firmly. She fists her hand against his shirt as his tongue teases hers and he needs to get her naked now so he just lifts her up off the floor and stalks to the bedroom, his lips still moving against hers.
They keep stopping and making out against the walls, shedding clothes and by the time they stumble into bed together his hands slide her legs apart and he tells her he loves her as he pushes into her body, she screams his name as she explodes beneath him and she keeps murmuring I love yous into his ear as he presses her into the mattress with his release.
Rachel's hands are warm on his chest as he settles beside her afterwards, and even though he's tired, he's still awake, fingers stroking along the silky smooth skin of her back. Despite her being tired, it was one of the best days she's had so far, he wants to hang on to this for as long as he possibly can.
His birthday this year is spent in bed, bodies pressed close; hands clasped together, her lips glued to his.
Finn has a class today but he says he'd rather stay in and do nothing. So they do just that. Just lay around naked in bed all day. They leave the bed long enough for her to make him breakfast and random bathroom breaks. She tries on the lingerie she bought him for Valentine's day and that lasts about 3 minutes before he's taking it off her.
His "wear it next year.." goes unnoticed by them both.
As the evening wanes, they order up Chinese and he whines as she pulls away to go to the door. She grabs the first thing she can find, the shirt he discarded the day before, to cover her body and he groans again in protest.
"Do you want me to go answer the door naked? Because I will."
"Hell no! I don't need to break someone else's nose." He mutters.
She stands with her hands on her hips as she playfully glares at him. "Finn, the guy at the bar was simply reaching over to get his drink."
"So his hands just had to rest on your ass?"
She's pretty sure he argues with her just to get a rise out of her. But it's his birthday and she'll play along. She undos the top button on his shirt and winks at him then hurries out to get their food. She's surprised he didn't get up and follow her to the door. But as soon as she walks back to the bedroom, he drops the food onto the floor and covers her body with his, ripping his shirt in the process.
"There's a no clothes policy in the bedroom on this day."
She doesn't mind.
Later, as they're sprawled over the sheets after stuffing egg rolls and noodles into their mouths she tosses him a fortune cookie.
"Do not worry, you will have great peace." He snorts and nudges her with his foot. "What does yours say?" he tosses the pieces of the cookie into his mouth.
"Finn! You're not supposed to actually eat the cookie you know?"
"It's food. It's a cookie. Not as good as yours but it's a cookie. I'm eating the cookie." He deadpans.
She shakes her head and cracks hers open. "Seize every second of your life and savour it. Hmm. How profound."
He scoops up the leftovers and puts them on the floor then grabs her arm and tugs her to him. He tastes like duck sauce and cherry cola and she makes a face. He rolls her over and traps her laughing beneath him, burying his head into her neck, his tongue tickling her skin.
"Finn! Stop!" she shrieks.
"No can do. I'm following your fortune cookie orders." He kisses her throat and drags his fingers down her side.
She pats his face so he looks up. "I hope you remember what yours says too."
He presses soft kisses to her chest as she watches his eyes, searching for what she always sees whenever moments like these roll around. He nods slowly then pulls her down to so he can kiss her again.
Tina was pregnant.
She'd been wondering why her friend was ignoring her so when Mike stops by the apartment she just corners him. And the man looks ashamed, like he had done something wrong.
He stares at them from the kitchen and watches as Mike hangs his head. He sees the change in her face immediately. First the hurt, then embarrassment, then anger and it all dissolved into joy. At least that's what he thought it was until his wife started smacking his friend in the chest.
"Michael Chang! You call your wife right now and insist she get her butt down here this very instant!" she punctuates each word with her fist and he can see Mike warring between fear and amusement every time she hits him. Mike's eyes flicker over to him and he just shrugs because, the fuck? But when Mike steps out to call Tina he walks over to where she was leaning against the desk.
"Rach?"
Her breathing was jagged. See, he'd have gone over to stop her from overexerting herself, but the last time he'd done as much as taken a jar she could barely open he slept in the couch for two weeks. No kissing, no touching. No talking. And a silent Rachel Hudson was ten times worse than an upset Rachel Hudson. Know your battles.
She turns to him with sadness in her eyes and just walks into his arms when he holds them open for her. "I love you." She mumbles into his chest. He rubs her shoulders and holds her like that until Mike comes back in.
"Ah, she's on her way over?" he says it like a question. Rachel nods her head curtly and steps back.
"I'll make dinner."
When Tina knocks she gives them a look so they both stay put. The look on her face is menacing enough that Tina takes a step back when the door opens.
Rachel takes a deep breath and points a finger at her. "Listen to me Tina Chang. I know you're just trying to protect my feelings but it hurts worse if you think I hate you. You don't get to hide one of the best things to happen you. You don't get to lie to the people you love because you're afraid of making me unhappy. I am happy for you. I told you from the beginning not treat me any differently. Please, don't start doing so now. You're supposed to be over the moon about this."
He watches as Tina's lower lips tremble and Mike fidgets to go to her but he just touches his shoulder and shakes his head.
"Congratulations Tina." His wife's smile is broad, like how she used to smile before they knew about the bad stuff. Just like she's ecstatic and can barely contain her glee.
Soon both of them are falling over bawling and clinging onto each other and he and Mike get up and go to the kitchen where he pulls out two bottles of beer. Their wives are still in the front room crying and dinner is basically forgotten so he just grabs the phone to order a pizza.
"I want anchovies and pineapple on mine, please." Tina shouts out between her sobs. He doesn't bother to look at Mike because he knows they're both thinking the same thing.
Women.
Their first true scare comes one night after he'd taken her home from a Broadway show.
She was giggly and happy all night because Mr. Shue had gotten them tickets to see the play one of his classmates from high school was putting on. Finn bought her flowers and she loops her arm around his as people light up the stage with music and dancing. She sings along to every song and has to reassure Finn she's fine when he sees her brushing tears from her face. She's just emotional is all, to be this close to a dream she'll never have.
Afterwards she tugs him to the side stage where she meets the musical director. April Rhodes waltzes out to meet her, kissing her on each cheek and then greeting Finn. The woman is small, almost as short as her but she's loud and boisterous and commands an audience. They get their playbills signed, and she insists Finn take pictures.
She spends more time after the show chatting than the actual show that they miss dinner reservations, but April promises her tickets to the next show and she forgets about food.
She's in the bath relaxing as Finn shouts their conversation through the open door. She laughs as she listens to him extolling the benefits of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after a long day, arguing that next to grilled cheese, it's God's gift to man.
"It's junk food. Finn."
"Exactly! It makes you feel good!"
"No. It will clog up your arteries and give you high cholesterol and make your skin break out in pimples!" she laughs. She feels high on her happiness.
"Rach, Rach. You can't deny the good things in life." He hollers.
She's about to throw back some snarky remark when her stomach rolls and she has the sudden urge to hurl. She can't move fast enough to get out of the tub so she grabs the waste bin and throws up whatever she had to eat earlier that day. She sees blood in the basket and hears Finn calling her name but her body just gives up.
She can still hear what's going on around her despite the blood pounding in her ears and she desperately wants to believe she's safe in his arms, warm and comfortable and not in some cold darkness when her body seizes on a bathroom floor.
She does wake up in his arms though.
In a hospital bed with a heart rate monitor and tubing shoved up her nose. She wants to complain but she's too tired to move. Besides, Finn feels comfortable beside her. He brushes his fingers through her hair when she moves her head under his arms. He presses a kiss to her forehead and lulls her back to sleep, his voice crooning an old song in her ear.
The doctor is there when she wakes up again and Finn looks like hell. His eyes are red and puffy and he hadn't shaved the day before so the few hours she's been in the hospital makes him look like a hobo. She fights to press her hand to his jaw but it drops against his chest and he tears up again as he grabs it and puts it there himself.
She hates the look on his face.
"Mrs. Hudson." She turns her eyes to the doctor standing in front of her. "I think it's time we look more invasive measures. Now, I know you've refused chemo, but I really think it may give you more time." The woman's voice is gentle and she knows she means well, but she can't do chemotherapy.
"No." her voice is strong for her answer.
"Rach, if it-,"
"No, Finn. I don't want to prolong this by doing chemo. I'll get sicker than this, sicker than I am right now if I do that. I'll lose my hair, I'll lose weight, and I wouldn't be able to anything. I wouldn't be me."
They've been through this. It's not about vanity. But she's already done radiation therapy. Back in high school when she'd first been diagnosed. She had to cut her hair, switch to jeans over the summer because her skin kept stripping. She'd lost a lot of weight and was tender all over. And that was only for six weeks. She didn't want to go through that again. No matter what they promised.
She knew this was coming, after all, isn't this was when it would all come down to? But she refuses to sit in a hospital bed while she dies. She doesn't want to be hooked up to machines and not be able to even kiss her husband when it came down to it.
"Finn, we've done the research. We've known all along that this would happen but I will not put myself through that just for a couple more months where I wouldn't be able to do anything." She looks up at him with fire in her eyes and the Rachel Berry spark she'd mastered.
He's crying silently and his eyes plead for her to just consider it again.
"Please, baby."
She hates that he has to see her like this. But she can't do that to herself again, and she really does not want to put him through that. He holds her hand to his cheek as he nods.
"I don't want to do the chemo." She tells the doctor again. The woman sighs reluctantly and looks down onto the chart in her hands.
She turns back to her husband, barely listening to whatever else the doctor is saying. She's just… tired.
Their parents both fly to New York for their second anniversary. It's just dinner over at Kurt and Blaine's because Rachel has no energy lately. They talk about old times and good memories, Kurt teases Rachel to eat some of his chicken parmesan and they take more pictures.
She hugs both her fathers too long and hangs onto his mother longer before kissing her wetly on the cheek. She cries the entire drive home and he has to carry her from the car to the bedroom and she just kicks off her shoes, crawls into bed and goes to sleep in her dress.
She spends her days with Blaine and her evenings with him and Kurt or Mercedes. She carries around a black binder with gold stars all over it wherever she goes and he catches her at odd times just writing in it but she won't show him what's in there.
"A girl has to have some secrets Finn."
"Are they good secrets or bad secrets?" he pouts.
She snorts and throws a cushion at him. He catches it and winks at her, turning his attention back to flipping through the TV channels.
Puck & Quinn had driven down from New Haven the next week and Artie flew in from Boston. Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury come in a day later and it doesn't really occur to him that everyone was sort of coming to say their goodbyes. Everyone has stopped by their apartment in some way or another under the excuse of lunch or dinner and when Tina leaves hiccupping one evening Rachel excuses herself from the living room and locks the bedroom door behind her.
Her fathers look at each other and then at him and get up and follow her into the room. He sits beside Kurt on the couch, both of them quiet and not speaking.
"She's had fun Finn. That's what she wanted." His brother says, his gaze focused on a picture on the wall. It's one of the pictures Artie has of Rachel singing on stage at one of their Regional competitions, her black and gold dress billowing around her as she stood with the mic in her hand. The rest of the team was standing behind her, but Rachel owned the stage. They had won that night.
He nods in agreement. "She's still fighting."
"She wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she didn't." Kurt smiles.
The door opens and her fathers walk back out, both men wiping away at tears. He gets up and steps over to them and they both pull him into a hug.
"She says she's tired, she fell asleep." Hiram says. LeRoy stands beside him with his hands over his mouth, his other hand firmly grasping his husband's.
"I'll take them to the hotel. Call us if you need us, alright?"
He nods at his brother again, feeling him squeeze his shoulders as he goes into see his wife. She's sleeping in one of his high school t-shirts, looking like a fragile doll. He toes of his shoes and quickly undresses and slips into the bed beside her, still relieved to hear her deep and even breathing.
He kisses her forehead, his lips lingering there until he starts crying, because all he can really do now is wait for the when.
Artie drops by one evening with a box on his lap.
"I come bearing gifts." He grins. She lets him in, then shuffles over to the couch before sitting down again. Finn's in class and Mercedes is having a shower.
"Christmas isn't for another four months Santa Claus. But gimme." She giggles at him.
He hands her a square box wrapped in brown paper. She raises her eyebrows at him. "It's not just for you. I did one for everyone in glee and your parents. I figured after everything, it's the least I could do."
He smiles at Mercedes and hands her a similarly wrapped box as she sits beside her. They unwrap the gift and it's a photo album. It looks like a newspaper with headlines and the name of their club and music notes and all sorts of decorations all over the covers.
"First page." Artie says and they both flip their books open.
Four photos show the glee club with all their members: the original six, the whole club when Matt was still there, before Lauren left and the club as it was then with their Nationals trophy.
"Artie." She breathes. The album reads like a journal, when it was just the six of them doing bad songs in the music room, when Mr. Shue took over the club, their first entry at Sectionals, their bake sale that had failed horribly, their performance at the only championship game the McKinley Titans had played (and won), their pizza party before Nationals and them giving her the trophy afterwards.
Mercedes looks over at her and the other woman is crying. "This is so cool."
"Yea, thanks. I had a lot of free time on my hand and I had all these pictures and videos, so I just made this. Go on, keep looking."
They flip further into the book and there are pictures of them in London, on the train to Paris, in Madrid, on the steps in Italy, and on the beach in Greece. There's a picture there she doesn't know and she taps it, showing it to Artie. Her and Finn sitting on the beach with their toes together.
"That's the day he proposed to you, earlier before dinner."
She doesn't brush away the rest of her tears as she goes through the entire book page by page. She's supposed to remember them, some she does, the ones with her in there. She looks so happy. Her hair changes in length throughout and she's wearing linen pants and flowy shirts in most of them, the only way to hide her bruises.
But she looks happy. Her eyes sparkle and her friends look just as happy. You wouldn't know if you hadn't been there that this was as much as 'goodbye world' as she was going to get.
"Artie this is fantastic. I love it!" she crushes the book to her chest and gets up gingerly to press a kiss to his cheek.
"I have the pictures themselves on disc too if you ever need them." He smiles again and pats her hand.
And when Finn gets home from class, he hands him one too while Mercedes makes dinner and they sit and talk. She's really tired but nonetheless excited over the album, pictures of her family and her vibrant and full of life and now she's really grateful she went on that trip. Her memories are a little fuzzy of what happened but she takes out that one picture of Finn and her on the beach and slips it into her binder, she wants to hold on to that one.
When Artie and Mercedes leave, she crawls into his lap and makes him tell her again about that day, her fingers pressed against the freckles on his cheek while he speaks.
She's been quiet all evening. She didn't want anything to eat, didn't want to watch anything and didn't want to go back to the hospital. They'd sat on the balcony outside their apartment so she could play with the first rust-coloured leaves falling to the floor. She had a Tennyson book open her lap, but it just sat there closed and then she stood up, tossing it aside and held her hand out for him to take.
He dances with her as she hums a song against his chest, pulling him onto the bed and tucking her head under his.
She just wants to lie beside him. So they do. They lie side by side and talk. They talk about Glee, about football, about the recipe for her I'm Sorry sugar cookies and that stash of Cosmo magazines she has under her bed. She tells him she'll bake him banana bread for his birthday next month.
"Well, not me, Brittany will be doing all the mixing."
"You do realize that Brittany puts that rum she brought back from Spain in everything she cooks right? You won't be able to eat it." He's joking really, but the chances of her eating anything and actually keeping it down are becoming slimmer.
Still, he's glad when she laughs. "How does she still have those? With the way Santana drinks sometimes it's a wonder she still has more."
He laughs with her but his heart twists and he can't bear to tell her that Santana and Brittany broke up about six months ago. The memory lapses are getting worse; his birthday was three months ago. They spent more than a few nights since then in the hospital and he tried to ignore the very evident fact that she may not be here for her next birthday.
She talks about the musicals on Broadway he still needs to see and he says he needs to update her record collection because if he didn't know any better he'd think she hasn't heard of any bands since Journey and REO Speedwagon. Her body shakes beside his as she laughs and then lets out a heavy sigh.
"I'm tired Finn." Her voice was so quiet, so soft, a far cry from the Rachel Berry of old. He nods; the doctors said she needed plenty of rest.
"Stay with me please? My dreams are always happier when I fall asleep in your arms." She murmurs. He does, because he can't say no to her, besides he doesn't want to be anywhere else. So she settles against him, her breathing slow, fingers entwined with his and resting their hands against his chest.
He needs to keep his mind from going places he doesn't want it to go so he tries to pull up memories from their time together to tell her. But he can't speak; the words get caught in his chest and he tries not to cry.
She's quiet for too long and he starts to get nervous but then she speaks. "Finn, you know my gold-star binder? Read it when you wake up, please?"
She's been scribbling it in everyday for a month now. He doesn't even want to imagine what's in there.
"Rach?" His voice refuses to work. He rubs his finger over the ring on her hand.
She opens her eyes and looks up at him. "Please?"
He tries to swallow against the lump in his throat because she promised she'd fight and she's just… giving up.
But he nods, because, he loves her. She's held on longer than they expected her to. That much he knows and she knows that she's fought hard. "Yea. OK."
She smiles, pushing her head up to kiss him. She kisses a bit too soft, her fingers press against his hand too hard and she's breathing too fast when she pulls away. She stares into his eyes a long time before she speaks again. "I love you Finn Hudson."
And her voice sounds strong, like how Rachel Berry used to sound. So he smiles like how he used to smile at her. "I love you Rachel Hudson."
She winks again and rests her head against his chest. "Sing for me please?"
So, if this was what heaven was then she'd gladly stay here forever.
Finn.
Here with him, in his arms as he holds her close against him, his voice gentle and sweet as he sings. She grabs onto this feeling. Holds it tightly in her hands as she falls asleep because heaven is all about happiness and glee and safety and joy and she feels all those and more as long as she's with Finn.
She thinks of her fathers and Finn's parents and Kurt and Tina and her baby bump and Mercedes and Santana and Noah and Mr. Shuester and of her Nationals award and her gold star and blowing out the candle on Finn's 18th birthday cake, swimming in Greece with her friends, Puck and Quinn getting engaged in Italy, kissing Finn under the Eiffel tower and Finn gripping her hand tight as Kurt and Santana snicker in the Eye of London and she thinks of her father's song as he holds her hand while she watches autumn leaves dance over the ground and of the sound of the crowd when she belts out beautiful music on a stage and
Send me away with the words of a love song
He knows the way by heart. The little girl clutching the flowers in her tiny fist toddles beside him as he walks and as she kicks the leaves swirling near her feet she giggles. It warms his heart because she sounds so much like her.
He gets to her and squats down, pulling the little girl onto his lap.
"Hey, Rach."
He dusts off the leaves from the weather-worn marble gravestone, pushing aside the flowers he finds there. He figures someone from the glee club must have brought them there, even though he has blue orchids delivered every week, these are gardenias, the same ones in the bouquet the team bought for her after Nationals. It's nice.
"Evie. Want to give mommy your flowers?"
She nods and holds her hand out, dropping the flowers beside her mother's name. His fingers trace the lettering, dusting debris and leaves away from it.
"So. It's another gorgeous day, here. It's fall again, your favourite time of the year. And Evie lost a tooth!" he chuckles, poking his daughter so her bubbly laughter echoes around them. They stay there for a while, telling Rachel everything new that happened since they last came by. He tells her about their school Glee club going back to Regionals next week, says Mr. Shuester is still giving out the Rachel Berry award for most outstanding student but no one, no one has yet surpassed her talent. Tells her Evie can spell her name, and she loves cooking with Grandma Carole, fixing cars with Grandpa Burt. Papa Hiram loves to teach her to paint and Grampy LeRoy teaches her a new song almost every time she talks to him.
He looks down at Evie, her little fingers playing with the star on her necklace, her toes kicking at the leaves in front of her.
"Rach, you should hear her sing. She sounds like an angel. I think she may grow up being another you. And I know it's wrong to hope for but if there's one thing I get to hold on that reminds me of you, it's this. It's her. She looks so much like you it's incredible. And she reminds me more and more of you as she gets older. Evie, sing a song for mommy. What song are you singing with Grampy?"
He rests his chin on Evie's dark curls. "Twinkle, Twinkle." She says in her high, musical voice.
"Sing it with Daddy? I'm sure mommy would love to hear you sing your big girl song."
So Evie turns around, and as they sing she traces the freckles on his face and touches her own. Much like Rachel used to do. And she pats his cheek when he starts to cry halfway through the song but she's only three so she doesn't know how to help her daddy, but she's here and she's singing with him and she's smiling at him with Rachel's eyes and singing with Rachel's voice, so he's good.
The air around them gets cooler and Finn adjusts Evie's hat, bundling her up better in her pink jacket. Reluctantly he turns back to his wife's grave, tracing his finger slowly over her name again.
"We gotta go now Rach, Evie's been outside too long and you know my mother will have my ass for that. But we'll be back next week, same time. Maybe we'll come earlier and I can read with Evie, she loves Where The Wild Things Are', she makes me read that every night."
He presses two fingers to his lips then presses them against the star on the stone. Evie watches him then does the same.
"Up, Daddy." She curls her fingers towards him and he lifts her up, burying his face in her hair, glad for this one gift.
"I love you, Rach. And Evie does too. And thank you, so much. For leaving this one treasure for me. I'll talk to you soon, love."
He stares at the stone for one long second and then turns away, his daughter in his arms as he walks back towards his truck. An old song comes to him and he starts humming as Evie pats his cheek.
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them
-fin-
A/N: Yea, that's it. This is by far the saddest one I've ever written but I'm glad it's here… thanks for all who cried with me. There's a futurefic companion piece also, 'a table for two'.. if you're not terribly mad at me, go give that a read and leave me some love too.
Song – 'If I Die Young' by the Band Perryo