In the absense of Pixi, I shall refrain from passing judgement save in the title.
Why Elementalists Ought Not To Tank
"Ecchh," was the first word, or half-comprehensible garble of noise, out of anyone's mouth after they emerged from the tiny passageway into an enormous cavern dotted in hanging stalactites and luminescent shallow pools, which seemed like it would echo magnificently any word spoken loud enough, and which also happened to be filled with the grunting, growling murmurs of ugly little gray creatures as far as the eye could see.
No one bothered to find out who had uttered the lone 'ecchh', although judging by the sheepish expression on the lower half of his face, it had probably been Gai, for all six quickly busied themselves with shrinking back into the corner and trying to make as little agitated noise as they could.
It was to no avail, for in the end, everybody in the front – Klaos and Panaku, namely – wanted to be in the back, and those who were normally in the back – everybody else – certainly did not appreciate being displaced to the front where they might speedily be eaten. Zho was the one who, with the help of her abnormally long and sharp nails, managed to win the spot by facing off with Kai Ying and essentially scratching the hell out of him, and so they managed to reach a grumpy, yelping consensus… with Klaos and Panaku at the front, of course.
The little gray creatures milling about appeared to lodge no complaint with the six adventurers scrunched uncomfortably into a corner of their lair – either that or they hadn't actually seen the awkward and very visible black-and-blue-and-purple-and-brown-and-green triangle because they were up on some kind of plateau. Taking that ambivalence to heart, Gai was the first one to dislodge himself and peer over the edge of the rocky precipice, lifting the material of his headwrap (still wool) so as to get a better glimpse of the beasts.
"Good," Klaos said irritably, "that's excellent. Go on and get their attention. Why don't you jump in circles and sing the anthem for good measure?"
"What are those?" Zho asked curiously, still nestled snugly in her corner, appearing perfectly content smashed between Pai and Kai Ying, "Grasps?"
"Lesser, I think," Pai put in as they all tried with varying degrees of effort to lean forward without making the entire group topple over.
"From experience alone," Kai Ying said with a grimace, "when there are that many of them, it doesn't really matter if they are Lesser or not."
With this cynical observation, they fell silent, save for occasional 'hmm's, to indicate to each other that they were trying to contribute to finding the solution, and the odd snapping of someone to get off of someone else's foot.
However, before long – and to the mild horror of Klaos, who made an unsuccessful but valiant attempt at grabbing her arm to pull her back – Pai extricated herself from the Panaku-Kai Ying sandwich (a fortunate position she wasn't altogether happy to relinquish) and stood facing five pairs of dubious eyes, each of which told her that it was clearly unwise to present oneself so invitingly to a cavern full of ravenous predators.
"This is silly," she said with a frown, "we're all being silly."
"How very true," Zho replied nervously, "would you like to come back into the pileup now? I've saved your spot."
"No. It's getting sweaty and disgusting in there."
With that comment, they quickly disengaged and re-established their respective personal bubbles, chastised but not quite enough so to dare venturing closer to the edge.
"There's an exit over there," Gai offered, and once again each was forced to wonder how he had deduced that so accurately, eyes covered with thick cloth and not having lifted it before he spoke.
"Right," Pai said, "but it's off to the side. Who's got a brilliant sense of direction?"
"It's southwest," Zho put in blandly.
"Paramount," Pai replied, as if she were trying her best to be cheerful, "that means it's not the right way."
"That could be it," Klaos added, pointing to another egress at the other end of the cavern. "but it would require some… pushing past the innumerable hordes."
Pai assured him that that was perfectly fine, and the rest began to grow increasingly nervous at her optimism, each beginning to think that perhaps he or she had missed something vital and looking around at the assembly to make sure that the little pyromancer had them all equally bewildered.
However, all she did was turn around and regard the exit Klaos had indicated with a calculating squint. "Well… I suppose I'll just run really fast in the other direction, so you all can go through."
There was a mild, spluttering silence, spluttering courtesy of Klaos.
"What kind of a plan is that?" Kai Ying asked incredulously, "You're serious, are you? Really, Pai, there is very little hope of you outrunning them without using a lot of magic, and consequently, you won't be able to keep up your energy for nearly that long – "
"Ying-san, don't tell me why it's a bad idea, because I'll probably realize you're right. I'm going to burst into flames now."
There was a certain pause.
"Come again?" Klaos asked.
True to her word, Pai did in fact burst into flames, causing her companions to jump back in surprise, and promptly turned to hurtle awkwardly down the hill, careening wildly and slipping around a few jutting rocks and beginning to scream out indecipherable noises as the entire cavern fell to staring in confusion.
Lost for words, all five gaped slack-jawed at her uncharacteristic stupidity – Klaos probably would have called it bravery; he did tend to regard the terms synonymously – but saw that although it was possibly the most inane action she would ever perpetuate, it was working… in the sense that no less than three hundred angry Grasps, Lesser or not, were currently chasing her blazing form through the alternate exit.
Trills and 'nyah-nyah's reverberated loudly until they finally disappeared amidst the chorus of growls and snarls and a few fulminating explosions.
When everyone glanced back at him, Kai Ying put up his hands defensively. "Don't look at me… I taught her the spell, not what to do with it."
With no further conversation, and a distressing lack of volunteers to courageously run after her to see after her health, the five remaining travelers traversed the cavern with little difficulty.
It should be noted that when Pai eventually rejoined the group, with quite a few more bruises, scratches, concussions, and rips in her thin armor (much to the silent rejoicing of all but Zho, who reinforced her opinion that all men were vulgar, and Gai, who unfortunately was not informed of the show and did not remove his headgear) than before, she formed the steadfast conclusion that even if her friends' lives depended solely on her decision, never again for as long as she lived would she try to tank.