Behold the great Pix, assistant Master of All Things Silly.
(Lurbe still holds the title. Three years tomorrow.)
Plot Objects: Generally a Hassle
(continued)
Pai decided as she walked awkwardly along a large corridor, flanked by Klaos, Danika, and many cautious instructors as she tried to carry a large golden urn with minimal arm strength, that Cathedral zu Heltzer was not half as bad as it was reputed to be. Of course the walls were decaying and the chandeliers had long since gone out, but if it were not infested with dredges and rot wallows – and falling apart, it seemed – she would not mind coming here every once in a while.
In fact, aside from the slight difficulties as to who would be the designated carrier of the Urn, the group encountered very little opposition in the cathedral – save for the odd bits of falling stone, which elicited an earsplitting shriek from the Urn-bearer but were prevented from squashing anyone by some timely tackles and opportune defensive wards.
However, like all good things, this was not to last – Danika had only just begun commenting on how quiet and lovely it was, just like the old days, when the walls began to fall apart, leaving in their wake an army of grumbling stone monsters.
Immediately, everyone began to scream – even Panaku, much to the distracted amusement of his companions – and there began the usual preparations in favor of not dying: gathering into a circle, casting wards, and preparing to be beaten within an inch of their lives.
It soon became apparent that all the flares and leaping mantis strikes in Cantha would not save them. If Pai didn't know any better, she would just as soon assume that the world's entire supply of rock had been delivered straight to the Cathedral, for she simply could not comprehend how the zu Heltzers could have managed or even wanted to build quite so many gargoyles into their place of worship.
"O Mi Di!" Klaos began to shout as he tried to dodge snapping stone jaws, "hostes nos necabunt mox! Au secours! Egemus auxilium!"
Terror shook his companions. He could display his worldliness all he wanted, but it was a well-known fact that when Klaos began to yell for help in tongues, there was very little hope.
"That's it then," Kai Ying said dejectedly as he very narrowly avoided a small barrage of spells and, "we're all going to die."
"No," Danika said suddenly, "no we're not! Oh, Dwayna, what was it about the Urn…"
Eager ears turned towards the monk, who had apparently chosen the wrong time to forget how to save their lives.
"What?" Pai prompted frantically, "What is it? What about the Urn?"
"Drop it!"
Silence ensued, and the fevered production of spells ceased as each person tried to think of what Danika could possibly have meant. The wardens surrounding them appeared to be taken aback by the party's sudden bout of stupidity, and were nice enough to stop shooting them with arrows while they convened.
"Drop it?" Panaku echoed in disbelief, "What do you mean, drop it?"
"Drop it or we are going to die!" Danika shrieked.
Surprised by this loud declaration, which also appeared to jog the wardens back into action since they were the ones who were supposed to do the killing, Pai could still not comprehend the command. "Surely you're joking. The only thing dropping the Urn will do is break it. What would your father say?"
"Pai," Zho growled, an arrow sticking horizontally out of her back – which horrified Pai but sent Kai Ying and Panaku into sardonic giggles – "if you don't do what she says and drop the Melandru-damned Urn, I'm going to rip out your eyes, have them bronzed, and hang them on my belt as war trophies."
Any giggling within the group stopped immediately, and very hastily, Pai bent down and set the Urn on the floor.
Very little occurred as a result of this, other than a few noticeable sneers from the wardens.
"This can't be happening," Zho growled as she dodged another arrow, "Danika, if I could lift my arm, then trust me, you would be dead."
"Stupid!" the countess shrieked, "I said drop it! You put it down nicely. Pick it up, and do it right this time!"
Pai was in no mood to be talked to this way, especially by a spoiled little brat of a princess like Danika, and so created a massive scene that very soon had everybody within a five-yard radius shouting at each other for no good reason, not including the wardens, who evidently thought it appropriate to take potshots at the feuding party from afar while they noisily sorted out their difficulties.
Klaos in particular saw no reason why his band should waste its time quarreling over the first things that came to mind, and since he did not especially want to spend his next few days dead before some kind monk came around and resurrected them all, he decided to take charge of the rapidly deteriorating situation.
He managed to duck under a volley of projectiles while muttering to himself in languages, noticed with some confusion that Lo Sha and Panaku were arguing about the specifics of Luxon cuisine – rich in squid and cuttlefish, apparently – and dove into the heart of the group, locating the gleam of the Urn and gathering it into his arms.
"Votre attention, s'il vous plaites," he announced, and after shaking himself out at the many quizzical glances that came his way, "roite. Hold still."
A new barrage of screams exploded from the eight travelers – very few of them affirmative. Pai and Zho were among those who fought most fiercely to wrest the Urn from his grasp, for in their opinion, at this point in the battle, anything other than tanking the wardens to death and experiencing a miraculous comeback was just asking for trouble.
In fact, Klaos was not at all planning on dropping the urn as Danika had instructed, but had intended only to make a run for it and shadowstep the entire group to a safer location. However, the violent intervention of Pai and Zho threw him utterly off balance, causing his hands to slip, and with a massive crash, the Urn of Saint Viktor fell to the ground and shattered into many glimmering pieces.
There was no time for anyone to get mad at anyone else, for even though Pai could feel a livid speech writing itself in her head, and was eager to either deliver it or hit Zho very hard on the head for interfering, she had barely moved a step before blue light exploded in a large dome around them. She began to flail and yell, but before she could get worked up enough to make contact and injure her companions, the light dissipated, and there was the Urn again, sitting where it had fallen and, strangely, not in pieces.
Confusion and anger ensued – directed mostly at Danika, who was stubbornly insisting while warding off blows that it had worked, and that they would be very sorry indeed if they murdered her and ended up executed by her father. However, in the midst of the turmoil, Klaos was the first one to notice that he was curiously unharmed by the rain of arrows ricocheting off of his skin, and experienced a rare moment of joy at the bewildered expressions of the wardens surrounding them.
"JAO!" he bellowed as he broke free from the group, proceeding to dice the nearest group into thin ribbons without the slightest concern for his own safety, which for once was quite appropriate seeing as nothing the wardens were doing in protest seemed to have the slightest effect.
It took his comrades a while to comprehend, realize, and finally accept begrudgingly that they had become suddenly invulnerable, but it caught on fairly quickly, and what followed was a bloodbath much too gruesome for words.