"Hey, Bunny, it's all ready for you," Kotetsu greeted Barnaby as he walked into the kitchen. Kotetsu was in the process of cleaning up from fixing their breakfast, and two plates of rice were sitting on the countertop, one containing significantly less than the other. Barnaby hazarded a guess that the other man hadn't waited for him before sneaking a bite, or two, or fifteen. He lifted a brow.

"Oh, um. I was hungry, and you were taking a while. Think of it as me tasting it to make sure it was good enough for you, hmm?" Kotetsu did look a bit abashed, and Barnaby felt he had to relent the slightest bit with a faint smile. After all, he had been delayed, dealing with all those intrusive thoughts.

He seated himself at the table and started in on the rice in silence, not fully trusting himself to conversation. His partner didn't seem offended, or assumed he was just that hungry, because he returned to washing the dishes. Considering what Barnaby knew of Kotetsu's own habits, he was surprised and pleased that he'd taken the step to do that rather than leave the dirty dishes sitting out to take care of some nebulous "later." Which ultimately meant Barnaby taking care of them, like so many other unpleasant tasks Kotetsu left on his shoulders. He was used to it by now, the old man's unreliability, and it was something he worked around, but not having to do so in this situation left him feeling grateful for the thoughtfulness.

And Kotetsu's fried rice was very good. If it wasn't for the hangover and related problems, this would be a very pleasant morning, the two of them in comfortable silence like this.

The dishes cleaned, Kotetsu joined Barnaby at the table with his own half-eaten rice, and their silence continued for a few more minutes. It was only after their food was nearly done that the older man spoke up. "Maybe we should cut back on the drinking." Barnaby looked up, lifting a brow curiously, and Kotetsu rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, you look like hell, Bunny. Bit less so now that you're cleaned up, but still."

"Thanks," he answered wryly, eyes narrowed. He was starting to feel oddly defensive, with Kotetsu taking such interest in his current state. "Hangovers aren't very enjoyable."

"Tell me something I don't know," he muttered. "Don't forget, you're not the only one."

"So you can cut back if you have such a hard time dealing with the consequences, old man." Barnaby knew he was being unreasonable, but something about the way his partner was getting so concerned about him was really rubbing him the wrong way. Kotetsu's face fell a bit at his tart response, and he instantly felt a pang of regret for rebuffing him like that. And irritated that his own private pity party was getting interrupted by the old man's nosiness once again.

"Ah, maybe I am getting too old for drinking contests..." It sounded like an attempt at levity, like Kotetsu wanted him to believe he was less upset than he was. But he saw through it, and decided not to reply, instead going back to his meal. Or, if he was going to be honest with himself, he was going to sulk.

There was silence again between them, but this was a far less comfortable one than the one before, and the weight of it started bearing down uncomfortably on Barnaby. Finally he sighed softly and spoke up, eyes still fixed on his food. "Maybe you're right. I don't like having holes in my memory."

He heard Kotetsu make a soft sound of sympathy. "I don't like seeing you so upset, Bunny-chan," he said in a quiet voice.

Meddlesome old man. Always trying to look out for him. Barnaby allowed himself a small smile as he admitted that he actually found it endearing at the same time he found it aggravating. But the same could be said about Kotetsu in general. Endearing, aggravating, thoughtful, careless... He rose quietly from the chair and took his now-empty plate with him. "Thanks for breakfast, Kotetsu."

"Glad you liked it." His voice was subdued, and Barnaby knew he was still worrying about him. He wasn't entirely sure he could continue to handle that right now, not with his thoughts still tending to jumble and his emotions churning unsteadily.

As he finished rinsing the plate and set it to dry, he looked over his shoulder at his partner. "The shower did help me feel better. It's free now for you, if you want." Really, he wanted Kotetsu to feel better and stop worrying so much and so obviously. He was not made of spun glass.

"Ah, assuming I can figure out how to work it." Kotetsu had finished as well, and was bringing his plate to the sink to rinse.

"It's a shower, old man."

"Yes, but your apartment!" He waved a hand around, gesturing wildly. "All this latest technology! I try to turn on the lights and I turn on your stereo. You have awful taste in music."

Barnaby narrowed his eyes. "You're too old-fashioned, and it's your taste in music I have to question." He tried to remember what playlist was queued up to play on the stereo that Kotetsu may have overheard in his attempt to turn on the lights. "Do I need to show you how to work the shower?"

Kotetsu's expression changed into a leer. "Are you going to stop there?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

"Dirty old man."

"You're offering to shower with me!"

"No, I'm not."

"Fine, get my hopes up." He crossed his arms and pouted, then smirked.

Barnaby rolled his eyes. He had to admit that the banter between them was actually improving his mood—except for the part about getting Kotetsu's hopes up. That reminded him a bit too much of where his thoughts had wandered during his own shower. Trying to hide the frustration at the reminder, he tried to play it off as irritation at his partner instead. "Not my fault you can't hear very well."

"Yes, you're the cute little Bunny with his cute pink ears." Kotetsu used his hands to mime the attachments of Barnaby's suit.

Being called "cute" in conjunction with his nickname was actually turning Barnaby's ears pink. "Enough, old man, do you want to take a shower or not?"

Maybe Kotetsu sensed that his partner really needed some space right now, because he stopped with the bad jokes and just chuckled softly. "Ah, fine, you have a point. I'll probably feel better too. Okay, Bunny, I'll try not to break anything when I turn on the shower."

"Towels in the linen closet next to the bathroom, and please don't leave them on the floor, there's towel racks for a reason," Barnaby called after him. His answer was a soft laugh as Kotetsu went down the hallway, and a click as the bathroom door closed.

Now alone, Barnaby flopped down into his chair with a deep sigh, neatly avoiding the mess of wine bottles and glasses still left from last night. Things started to seem like they were improving, and then everything started to get unbearable again. Even now, he had the privacy he felt he desperately needed, except that it came with the realization that he was alone with his thoughts again. Thoughts that inevitably went back into the same worn ruts as before.

He groaned. There had to be a way to break out of this hideous cycle.

Realizing that there wasn't nearly as much light coming in the windows as before, he glanced to the expanse of glass and frowned. Sure enough, dark clouds were rolling in again, now covering the sun above Stern Bild. The storm last night had been very unusual for the time of year, but to be followed by another like this? He wasn't sure what the weather patterns were looking like, and made a note to check into that later. More nighttime storms were not going to make sleeping any easier, especially if he was laying off the alcohol. The dark skies were a good compliment to his current broodiness, however, and he settled back into those thoughts that went drifting deeper into darker places.

If only. If only taking care of the deep-running corruption that had been the source of almost all of the pain in his life had fixed everything. If only he could stop thinking about the fears and doubts from that struggle, and the worry about what to do with his life from here. It was his now, without someone else's sinister script to follow, and as exhilarating as it was to realize his freedom, it also frightened him. He was an adult and yet he felt like a gawky adolescent pretending to be all grown up. Before, he'd had a cause, a reason for every little thing he did. The media appearances, the PR campaigns, the entire business of being a hero. Now...

Now he wasn't even going to have a partner for much longer. If he was completely truthful with himself, their partnership was already over, terminated along with their contracts as heroes with Apollon Media. But habit and familiarity were hard to break, and he kept seeing Kotetsu as his partner in these uncertain days afterward.

Soon Kotetsu would leave, go back to his family in Oriental Town. He was going to be with his daughter, and try to catch up on lost time and live his own life. And really, he had done so much more as a hero than anyone could have ever asked for. He had saved them all, especially Barnaby. He'd more than earned the right to live his life as he saw fit, even if it meant he'd be carving an absence in someone else's life. What did that really matter, though? It wasn't like Barnaby wasn't used to a life lived alone, with no friends, everyone held at arm's length or further, no one allowed to get close to him. Why was he having such a hard time adjusting to the idea of Kotetsu no longer being a constant in his life?

Because he'd already let Kotetsu get close, of course.

But how close? Too close? That would depend on how he defined "too close," and that brought to mind the thoughts from before, the memories of a very surprising time when he wanted to be closer, feeling more than just his lips...

Dammit. Barnaby glared at an empty wine bottle, as if to blame it for absolutely everything going wrong with his life right now. He wouldn't be feeling this miserable if not for the hangover, and none of these horrible doubts would be plaguing him right now if not for that. Right? He sighed. As much as he wanted to make everything the fault of a vintage Zinfandel, he knew better. The wine had just made it easier for these doubts to come to the surface.

"In vino veritas," he murmured aloud.

"What was that, Bunny?"

Well, of course Kotetsu would walk in at that point. Redressed in yesterday's clothes, his hair still slickly wet, his head tilted to the side curiously.

"Nothing," Barnaby shook his head. "Just thinking out loud. I trust you hung up the towel when you were done?"

He grinned mischievously. "What if I didn't?"

"Then I'd tell you to march back there and make sure you do it."

"Bossy bossy! Stop glaring at me, I didn't leave the towel on the floor." A pause. "Though I thought about it."

Barnaby shook his head slightly. "You thought about being thoughtless. Why am I not surprised."

Kotetsu sat down on the floor next to Barnaby's chair, tilting his head up to look at him. "Feeling any better?"

He looked away from that concerned gaze. "Not really. The headache is fading though."

Kotetsu made a sympathetic noise. "At least there's that, hmm?"

"At least," he agreed, trying to keep his voice from cracking just a little bit. Futile attempt. His partner knew him too well.

"Hey, Bunny. Maybe you should get some more sleep. It might help."

"I could try. I don't think it would work very well, though."

"Bunny," and Kotetsu put his hand on his knee, looking up at him worriedly. "Is it really that bad?"

He had to look away again. "I've had trouble sleeping for a long time. It's just worse recently."

"Since...Maverick?"

The name was said carefully, but just hearing it hurt. "Yes."

There was silence between them again, vibrating with a growing ache that neither of them seemed willing to address. Kotetsu reached for Barnaby's hand, and for a moment he thought about pulling it out of reach, but it was just a moment of hesitation before he gave in. He'd gotten past a point where physical contact from Kotetsu bothered him, because he had learned that his partner meant it only as a comfort. It seemed easier to just let him do it and assume he was comforting Barnaby in the process, except then that actually became the reality as Barnaby realized he did find the concerned touches reassuring. He harbored a suspicion that it also helped Kotetsu to feel like he was fixing things, but if that was the case, it was far from a primary motive. The man was so ridiculously selfless about matters like that...

Barnaby felt his eyes stinging again. Why now? Why was all of this coming out now, when he was soon to lose his partner? It was only making it more difficult for him.

For them both?

The silence stretched on, and he realized that Kotetsu wasn't going to fill it with one of his usual subject-changing deflections. He was trying to encourage him to talk. The thought brought another wave of complicated emotions to Barnaby, that this man that he just teased about being thoughtless would do such a thing for him. But wasn't it the sort of thing he'd come to rely on? That Kotetsu was going to be there for him?

And that was part of the problem.

He blurted it out suddenly, and then it was too late to take the words back and pretend it had never happened. "I don't want to lose you." He regretted it, for all the ways those words could be interpreted, and braced himself for the impact.

"Ah, Bunny...I'm right here. You haven't lost me." Kotetsu squeezed his hand, smiling up at Barnaby reassuringly..

He shook his head. "I very nearly did, Kotetsu. I thought you died. I thought I lost...everything."

"Bunny, you haven't lost me," he repeated, as if a mantra of reassurance.

"But you're retiring, you're moving back with your family."

A soft chuckle. "That's not losing me. It's still close enough that I can visit. We can still get drunk. Just, ah, not as drunk."

Was he being dense on purpose? Or was Barnaby just lucky that these stressed confessions weren't being taken the way he truly meant them? He fought back a sigh, and squeezed Kotetsu's hand, refusing to admit to himself that he was trying to memorize the warmth of that touch. "I'll miss you."

There was a few heartbeats of silence, and then a low sigh from his partner. "I'll miss you too, Bunny. I'll miss all the great things we did together."

"But you have your family to go to," Barnaby reminded him, or maybe himself, feeling a burden of guilt. It would be horribly unfair of him to make his life more complicated now just because things were changing beyond his ability to control them. No matter how he felt about it, Kotetsu had other priorities in his life.

"Yeah, but like I said, it's not like I'm going to be gone forever." Was it his imagination, or was there a thread of sadness running through Kotetsu's voice? "Ah, Bunny, gloomy thoughts in such gloomy weather. There's things to look forward to! Next week, the heroes party! We're still invited, even if we're not heroes any more."

Barnaby blinked, trying to remember just what this party was. His memory still wasn't completely lucid, so it took him a few moments to recall the information about the New Year's Eve party that Nathan was throwing for all of them—the heroes, and those closest to them, none of the corporate bigwigs for them to impress. And with Nathan in charge, it was sure to be extravagant. "That's right. I did want to go-"

He broke off mid-sentence as he realized that New Year's Eve next week meant Christmas this week. He'd been trying to deny the approach of the holiday for so long, but now the knowledge was in the forefront of his mind, unable to be ignored.

Christmas. The loss of his parents. The moment when his life ceased being what it was meant to be. The moment when everything slowly started to go wrong. He'd spent it alone before, always alone, always shut off from everyone and everything, but this year everything was so fresh and newly broken and as much as he wanted to pretend he was fine, he hadn't even started to heal.

"Bunny?" The worried voice barely registered. He'd stiffened in the chair, his chest tightening, his breath going shallow and ragged. His hands were shaking, even the hand that was gripping Kotetsu's like a vice. His vision was tunneling, there was a roaring in his ears, and he couldn't, he just couldn't handle any of this, he couldn't face this, it was too horrible and it hurt and he was so tired of hurting, so tired of the ache and the fear that never let him be, never let him have peace-

"Bunny!" And this time it broke through, the shout, the hands on his shoulders shaking him. Barnaby blinked, gasping, his vision coming into focus on Kotetsu hovering over him with eyes wide in panic and fear. "Bunny!"

"Kotetsu," he gasped, then buried his face in his hands as the tears spilled down his cheeks.

"Bunny, Bunny, I'm right here, shhh..." Kotetsu was pulling him into an awkward embrace, sliding himself into the chair to hold Barnaby there. In return Barnaby crumpled against him, burying his face against his shoulder and crying raggedly. He heard the older man speaking soft reassurances, but could barely make out the words over his own sobs, and it wasn't even the words that mattered anyway, it was the tone of his voice, the fact that he was speaking to him at all. And the feel of his arms, the way he was stroking his back soothingly, the way he was just letting Barnaby fall apart all over him. The realization only brought a renewed wave of sobs. Comfort he had only just barely started to accept, and he was going to lose all of this, had already almost lost it, and it was all his fault, all his fault for being a burden and drawing everyone into his own problems.

Through it all, Kotetsu still held him, murmuring softly, stroking his hair and his back as if his touch was keeping Barnaby anchored from the maelstrom of overwhelming emotion that had almost drowned him. A lifeline in the darkness of his sudden despair.

Finally he was able to choke back the sobs and get his breathing back under control. He lifted his head, sniffling and wiping his eyes, and realized that somehow in all of that Kotetsu must have removed his glasses for him.

"Shh, Bunny, it's okay. It's been a rough time for you."

His head was light and his ears were still roaring, his face felt itchy from the tears. "K-Kotetsu..." he stammered.

"Bunny, it's okay, it sounded like you needed that." He tightened his embrace for a quick squeeze. "It has been rough, we're just starting to get back on our feet again."

Shame burned in his cheeks for his utter loss of control, and all of it in front of the person he didn't want to burden when his life was already in such a state of flux. And the only person he could possibly fall apart in front of and feel safe to do so. He fought back a bitter laugh, because it had too much risk of turning into another choked sob. "I'm s-sorry..."

"Shh, I told you, it's okay. I'll keep repeating myself until you believe it." As Barnaby looked at him with a slightly sheepish expression, Kotetsu smiled reassuringly at him. "You're even lovely when you cry, you know."

"I... wh-what?"

"You heard me." The smile turned into a grin. "You're always lovely, Bunny-chan. Even when you cry."

He couldn't help it, the old man's words were so ridiculous and out of place in the situation that he had to laugh, a weak chuckle that nonetheless turned up the corners of his lips.

"Ahh, there we go," and the grin broadened. "Even more lovely when you smile."

And now he felt himself flushing. He had just had a mini breakdown, had sobbed himself halfway-sick in his partner's arms, and now his partner was saying these things that made him smile and blush and feel light-headed for completely other reasons. How had he managed to deserve this? Embarrassed but unwilling to leave the comforting embrace, Barnaby instead hid his face against Kotetsu's shoulder, finding the patch in his shirt he'd made damp with his tears.

"Bunny, Bunny, Bunny..." and he heart a soft chuckle in Kotetsu's chest. "That doesn't mean I want you to hide it from me."

Finally he found his voice again. "Mmf. Stop that, old man."

"Stop what? Telling the truth?" Another soft chuckle. "I thought that's what you wanted me to do."

"Well yes, but-"

"But what?" Kotetsu was grinning again, he could hear it in his voice. "I got you to smile again, didn't I?"

"You did," he muttered, but he was still smiling despite himself. "Cheap shots."

"Accomplished what I wanted, though."

"That's just like you, old man, not worrying about how you do something as long as it gets done. Breaking down buildings in order to catch a bank robber." He was calming down. He still felt a warm flush of embarrassment and maybe something else, but the choking despair had eased away from his heart.

"Ahh, well, didn't you say I was old-fashioned?"

"Spending most of your paycheck on damage fines is old-fashioned?"

"Well, I guess so." And before the implications of their banter could settle in, Kotetsu did something that kept Barnaby from thinking too hard about how those times were over. He kissed his tear-streaked cheek.

Barnaby froze, staring at him with eyes going wide. It was just a kiss on the cheek, and yet...

"Oh, Bunny..." Kotetsu's voice sounded thick now, as if his throat was tightening. "You are too beautiful." He buried one hand in Barnaby's blond curls.

"Wh-what's with all of this?" he demanded suspiciously. "Complimenting me like that, and-and..." He couldn't say "and kissing me."

Kotetsu's expression turned sad. "I told you, I'm going to miss you too."

"Dammit, old man, stop that!" he cried. "I just fell apart and you put me back together again, like you've always done before, and now you're trying to brush this off like you always do!"

His eyes widened in hurt, his expression changing to a frown. "Because you've got enough that you're dealing with, and I don't need to add to it!" he shot back defensively. "You said it yourself, you just fell apart, you need me to be there for you-"

"But you won't let me be there for you!" He was feeling heated, his heart was starting to race again. Everything felt so out of control, it was like he couldn't get a handle on anything going on, not his emotions, not his life.

Kotetsu closed his eyes. "And what if I don't need that?"

"Then you're a liar," he insisted fiercely, grabbing him by the collar. "Dammit, Kotetsu, stop pulling away from me!"

"I'm not-" Except he was doing just that, trying to disengage, trying to put distance between them again.

"Yes, you are, and I'm sick of it!" Barnaby glared at him through eyes that were stinging all over again, and then gave into that impulse, the one that came from deep down inside and had been buried there for so long, but all the volatile emotions had stirred everything up and let it come bubbling to the surface again, and he was going to be the one to let it happen this time. With a firm grip on Kotetsu's collar, Barnaby eliminated the distance between them and pressed his lips angrily against his, kissing him with all the pent-up desire and overwhelming emotion that had brought them to this moment, his tongue invading Kotetsu's mouth even as he pushed him back against the chair and moved to straddle his lap. He wasn't going to let the old man bluff and joke his way out of this, not this time.

A choked sound escaped Kotetsu, and then suddenly Barnaby found himself being picked up. Fearing that this was a last-ditch attempt to break off this kiss, he gripped him tighter, locking his lips against his, wrapping one leg around Kotetsu to hold himself against his partner. To his surprise Kotetsu didn't try to remove him, but pushed him down to the floor, on his back, with the old man now on top. He growled lowly and pulled away from the kiss, and Barnaby was taken aback by the fierce expression on Kotetsu's face. He'd gone too far, he knew it, and now he was going to ruin everything-

"Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?" he demanded. Barnaby only glared at him defiantly until he scowled. "Damn you, Bunny, you're perfect and beautiful and you make me so angry, and I don't want to leave you!" And now it was Kotetsu kissing Barnaby, fierce and undeterred, pinning him down while his tongue invaded his mouth.

Oh, if that's how the old man was going to play it-! He met him in kind, his own tongue swiping over and around his, and bucking his hips upward against Kotetsu's to let him feel his hardness. Kotetsu broke off the kiss with a gasp, and Barnaby smirked at him defiantly, until his partner scowled again and pressed back, proving that the blond wasn't the only one getting hard from this. "Dirty old man," he gasped at him. "Getting off from pushing me around!" He used his lower body strength to flip them over, so that now he was the one on top and pinning Kotetsu down. And from this position, his fingers flew down the buttons on Kotetsu's shirt, managing somehow not to pop any of them off in his feverish race to remove his shirt before his partner could stop him. He pulled the shirt open victoriously, his fingers tracing his way over his chest and abs. The old man was in amazing shape, especially for having recently had an extended hospital stay. Barnaby's fingers moved over the scars old and new, but tenderly over the newest, still pink and raised, ugly burns that had yet to fade across his chest.

"B-Bunny-!" he gasped, and with a sudden guilty pang that he'd hurt his partner, he tore his gaze up to Kotetsu's face. But what he saw there froze him. Kotetsu was staring at him with wide eyes, and in that gaze was fear, worry, and something else that he just refused to believe could possibly be there.

Overcome with shame, Barnaby leaned back, pulling his hands away and using them instead to brace himself against the floor. What the hell had come over him? There would be absolutely no excusing this, not at all. If he thought anything he'd done previously had gone too far, he'd just blown all of that out of the water. Kotetsu would never speak to him again.

He started to rise, but was stopped when Kotetsu grabbed his wrists in a no-nonsense grip. "Bunny," and his voice was deeper now, rough and gravelly. Barnaby refused to look him in the eyes, but the grip at his wrists was refusing to let him go. "Bunny!"

"I'm sorry," he said, eyes wrenched closed. It wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough.

"Bunny," and then he was being tugged back down by that grip on his arms. He tensed, then sighed despairingly and gave in. It wasn't like he was going to be able to do or say anything to make up for what he'd just done, so why bother fighting any more? He let Kotetsu pull him down until he was laying atop the older man, against his bare chest. He thought he felt a slight flinch, but the grip had shifted to a hold around his back, leaving him unable to move unless he struggled—and struggling now would probably hurt Kotetsu.

"Bunny, Bunny..." his partner repeated, his voice soft. Barnaby shivered, his head turned away and resting against Kotetsu's shoulder, bracing himself for whatever was to come next that would remove him from his life. "I think there's some things we need to talk about."

He hadn't expected that. His eyes stinging all over again, he muttered, "What's there to talk about?"

"What's there to talk about?" Kotetsu repeated in surprise. "I think there's a hell of a lot to talk about, and I think you know it, and I think we better do it now."

"You think so, old man?" He couldn't help the acerbic barb. He was far too shaken up, and the defense had come on autopilot.

"Ah, Bunny..." A soft sigh. "Come on. Let's get up and talk this over. Now."

Gritting his teeth, Barnaby nodded once, pushing himself up. Kotetsu's arms around him loosened to allow him to rise, and as he got to his feet, he self-consciously held out a hand to help the older man up. Kotetsu's expression betrayed nothing but a flicker of gratitude at that gesture as he accepted the offer. On his feet, he produced Barnaby's glasses from—somewhere. Relieved they hadn't been broken in the whatever-the-hell that had happened, he accepted them and slid them back into place, darting an insecure glance at his partner. Kotetsu motioned over at the couch, the one Barnaby had purchased after he kept complaining that his apartment was so bare and there was nowhere comfortable to sit. Fortunately it was big enough for them to sit at opposite ends and not be too close, because right now he wanted to be as far away as he could. Nodding, he took a place at one end, trying not to watch out of the corner of his eye as Kotetsu flopped down on the other, his shirt still fluttering open over his bare chest.

There was no way this was not going to be awkward.