AN: Hi, remember me? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't, since it's been 6 months since this was updated :/ Yikes, that's a long time. So anyway, you'll be glad to know, I'm sure, that this story seems back on track. I'm definitely not making any promises, but fingers crossed this means my writers block is gone :D *waves goodbye eagerly* And I really hope this doesn't disappoint :/

And to Rita and DieHardBrendan, my most faithful readers, I hope you like it :) I tried to make it a little longer than usual to make up for my absence, though it probably doesn't make up for it :/

Dedicated to Rory - Happy Birthday baby! Four years old already! Love Mommy, Daddy and Noah-J xxx

Doug was worried.

Two weeks had passed since they arrived home from their honeymoon. Two weeks since they had spoken to Susan. Two weeks since they received the news that had changed everything.

The conversation haunted Doug, still. The words rang in his ears during the few silent moments of the day, they replayed in his head while he tried to talk to Carol, they filled his dreams every night, turning them to bone chilling nightmares.

And each time, the sound of devastation in Susan's voice and the look of horror in Carol's eyes made Doug want to fall down right where he stood and cry.

"Oh, Carol!...It's Mark..." Susan sobbed.

"What about Mark?" Carol asked, as Doug came closer to listen.

"I didn't know what to do, Carol! He told me not to tell anyone...not even Elizabeth! And then...and then it was your wedding and things were even worse and he hated lying to you, I swear he did. And then...and then..." Susan broke off, unable to go on. Her sobs rang in Doug's ears and his mind was in overdrive. What had happened?

"I forgot you guys were away...and now you have to hear this just when your home!" Susan finally continued, hiccupping through her words.

"Susan...what happened?" Carol asked, her voice steady but guarded, bracing herself. Doug automatically slipped his arm around her waist.

"He's gone, Carol..."

"Gone where? Susan, you're not making any sense!" Doug said, speaking for the first time.

"His tumour...it came back. He's...Mark's dead..."

Eight words that changed everything. Only two words that meant something.

Tumour.

Dead.

Mark was gone and he wasn't coming back.

Carol had been silent for several long moments until she had let out a yelp like a wounded animal and fallen, right into Erin's arms that had come rushing forward to catch her.

Through tears and memories, Doug had taken over the conversation with Susan, asking more questions and making plans to fly to Chicago immediately. The funeral was to take place in two days time and Doug needed to be there.

After he hung up the phone, neither he nor Carol spoke, just wrapped themselves around each other and cried. Erin excused herself and brought the twins with her, leaving the couple to grieve.

Carol had cried herself to sleep. Doug hadn't slept at all.

And now two weeks had passed. And Doug was worried.

They had not gone to Chicago, they had missed the funeral and they hadn't spoken of Mark since.

Now, Doug was in work, watching Carol from across the ER, watching her move with speed and a fierce scowl of determination on her face. Even though it had been over a year since Carol had begun her work as a Transplant Co-ordinator, since they arrived home, since the news, Carol had taken up extra nursing shifts too. She worked relentlessly, never smiling, never laughing, just getting things done and being.

And Doug didn't need a psychiatrist to know what was happening.

Carol was grieving and still firmly placed in the Denial stage.

Doug was grieving too, but he had passed denial before he even got off the phone with Susan. Then his anger had come. While he held an emotionally exhausted Carol that night, he had begun to bargain with a god he did not even believe in, offering up anything in return for his best friend. By morning he had sunk into depression.

But Carol had woken the morning after acting as though nothing had happened. She asked for the twins, went to get them from Erin and Tom's, and went about her daily routine as if nothing was wrong. Confused, Doug had tried to talk to her, but she had batted away every attempt he had made to mention Mark and what had happened.

He heard her cry at night, but other than that, Carol was refusing point blank to accept that Mark was gone. When Doug told her they were going to Chicago, she asked "What for?" and had refused to go.

"Doug?"

Doug turned to find the Chief of Emergency Medicine, Dr Isaac Henley behind him.

"Hey Isaac, what can I do for you?" Doug asked.

"I wanted to talk about Carol," he said simply, straight to the point.

Doug sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. He nodded, indicating Isaac should say what he came to say.

"I'm worried. She's working too much, spreading herself too thin. There have been more than a few mishaps," Isaac waved away Doug's attempt to interrupt, "Nothing too important. The other nurses caught her mistakes in time, but Doug, I'm worried. Is there something going on, something I should know about?" he asked.

Doug exhaled deeply, again. "A friend of ours...a very old, very good friend...he died two weeks ago," he murmured, hating saying the words aloud. It made them too real.

"Ah," Isaac said, "Now I get it." He placed a comforting hand on Doug's shoulder. "I'm very sorry."

Doug dipped his head and nodded. "I'll talk to Carol."

Isaac nodded too, tightened his grip on Doug's shoulder for a second, then let go and walked away. Doug glanced over to where Carol was starting an IV. Taking a deep breath, Doug crossed the room and stopped beside her.

"Hey," he murmured.

Carol looked up. "Oh hi, Doug. Sorry I really haven't time right now. I've three more of these to do and a whole bunch of other stuff, I've to run down to the pharmacy and check in on half a dozen patients..." she rambled on.

"Carol, we need to-'

"Carol, oh good! Can you do me a huge favour? The guy in two needs a new IV and I'm snowed under, can you take it?" It was another nurse whose name Doug couldn't remember.

"Sure!" Carol said instant, even though she had been complaining of her work load not minutes before. "What's the case?"

"End stage cancer, large tumour on his lung," the nurse said.

It seemed like things moved in slow motion. Carol's expression changed, crumpled into one of severe pain. The pile of charts in her hand slipped and crashed into the ground. Tears sprung into her eyes and her now empty hands clenched, her knuckles going white. Doug saw each of these changes, one by one, and reacted instinctively. This was it, her breaking point. Denial was gone. He wrapped his arms around her, pulled her into his chest and held on. Seconds later, her sobbing started, wracking her whole body. Tears flooded his own eyes as he held his wife close.

The nurse was looking at Carol strangely. "Dr Ross, is she-' she cut off as Carol's sobs grew louder as she gasped for breath, her whole body seeming to convulse in pain.

"Should I get someone?" the nurse asked instead.

"No, just get me two of lorazepam and bring it to Exam 6, now," Doug told her.

Carol was in full scale hysteria by the time the nurse returned and Doug pushed the drugs that would effectively sedate her. He knew she would most likely give him crap for sedating her, but her pain was too much for Doug to handle when he was still dealing with it himself and he couldn't leave her in the state she was in. Isaac arrived just as Carol's sobs faded and her body relaxed, now in a deep sleep.

"What happened? Ellen said she had a panic attack of some sort," the chief questioned.

Doug nodded. "She's been denying anything happened for the last two weeks. Then Ellen passed off a cancer patient to her and it just broke her. Our friend...it was a brain tumour," he attempted to explain.

Isaac just nodded. "Take her home when she's awake, I'll see to it that your shifts are covered."

"Thanks," Doug muttered.

Ellen had re-entered the room behind Isaac and Doug asked her to stay with Carol until she woke, then to come get him. The nurse agreed and he was out of there as fast as was possible. He made it to the Doctors Lounge before completely breaking down himself.

An hour later, Ellen came to find him. "She's waking up."

Doug rushed to Carol's side and was there when her eyes finally fluttered open.

"What happened?" she asked, groggily.

Doug took her hand in his and kissed it gently. Without him saying a word, comprehension dawned on Carol. She bit her lip as tears flooded her eyes once more. They remained silent for several long minutes, just staring at each other, reading one another's pain.

"I should get back to work," Carol said, finally, pushing herself up.

Doug held her down. "Carol...don't do this, not anymore," he whispered.

For a few seconds, Carol fought against his grip, but he held on tight and eventually she gave up. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if trying to squeeze away the pain.

"I wasn't there," she whispered, so quietly, Doug almost missed it.

"Carol," Doug began with a sigh, but she cut him off.

"No, Doug. I wasn't there. I just...wasn't. And I should have been."

Doug remained silent, still holding on to her hand. Her fingers laced through his and tightened on them. Her hand shook as she drew breath. "He's really gone."

She said it like a question and Doug nodded his head in reply, still holding her gaze.

She started to cry again, though not as hysterical as before. Doug moved onto the bed and held her close.

"I'm sorry, Mark," Carol whispered. "I'm sorry."