Lurbe. We're not posting to keep our ratings up you know. I just need to clear off my desktop.

The Gods Must Be Crazy
Part I - Lag

(The first in a short series.)

"Come on, you duffer! I! I!"

Klaos stopped, sighed, and turned around. Pai was still behind him, making jerky motions with her leg, but not moving at all.

"Move tuum assinum already!

Klaos went back, intending to grab Pai and drag her along, while grumbling loudly to himself.

As he reached out to grab her, Pai vanished, reappearing someway away.

A thunderclap sounded, and Klaos thought – thought – that he heard some voice whispering "Sau-Rie-Lag". It seemed totally foreign, and completely improbable that the gods would speak to him, so he ignored it.

The world froze. Klaos moved his leg, and didn't go anywhere. A lot of things went through Klaos's head, namely, "Omidi! Omidi! Iram deum effeci. Omidi!"

Suddenly, the world blurred. Klaos blinked, and watched as Pai and the henches, in slow motion, fought their way through Nagas, Crimsons, and an Oni before joining him at the beach.

"What happened there?" asked Klaos, backing up as an infuriated Pai stormed upon him. "Illigitii! Quid pensis fecisse?"

Klaos shriveled up as Pai continued, covering the cowering assassin in spit.

"We were standing there figuring out what we were supposed to do, and all of a sudden you go and rush off to the beach, aggro-ing all those Nagas, Crimsons, and the Oni!"

Klaos put up his hands reflexively. He opened his mouth to defend himself, but stopped when he heard a chuckle from somewhere. Pai whipped around to glare at the henches.

Klaos never forgot the look on her face when she turned back. She opened her mouth, and the next thing Klaos knew, he was drenched in blood staring at Pai's corpse as it slowly fell down on top of the slaughtered henches.

From behind the expired elementalist, an Oni stared back at him.

"Nngh?"

Klaos stared.

"Gnnngh."

Klaos stared.

"Grrrrrnngh!"

Klaos kept staring.

"Gnrrrgssh!!"

As the Oni lunged forward, the spell was broken.

"You ------- -----! You ------ ------ my ------ wife! Nece! infima bestiae! Tu -----it meus ------us ----- o ----! ------a ---------aque!"

The Oni didn't have time to translate the "-----"s. In a second, the enraged assassin was all over him. Ducking over and weaving under. Slashing here, stabbing there. Cursing all around. After what seemed like ages to the unfortunate Oni, it succumbed to Klaos. Unfortunately, nobody (including Klaos) noticed, and so, to this day, Klaos has never been known to successfully kill anything that began with more than one hitpoint and wasn't tethered to a tree. That's called irony, and you will learn about it when you study Shakespeare.

From somewhere both far and close, Klaos could swear he heard someone laughing. He did swear, almost, but not entirely missing the next sound he heard. It went "Lie-Roy- Gan-Kens".

Klaos jumped as another voice spoke, this time right in his ear, "Are you gonna rez us or just stand there and look like an idiot?"

Klaos racked his brains, but couldn't remember what to do to rez the party.

"Pai?"
"What." Came the snarled response.
"Was that you?"
"Was that me, what?"
"Speaking."
"What?"
"You know, when you whispered back there."
"What? About rezing us?"
"No, no. Before that."
"What?"
"I guess that's a 'no'."
"What are you doing you idiot?"
"I heard something."
"What?"
"I'll go die now." Volunteered Klaos.