Pix here. We may have to start a new story, as this one is getting on in its years/chappies.

Erm... do we do disclaimers? If so, we don't own Guild Wars, but we own Pai and Klaos... sawwy, Lurbe, I get confused sometimes.

The Peril-Fraught Journey of the Turtle Caravan

Happy as she was that they had a party of half-loyal followers who had conceded to follow them into Luxon territory, even though their Kurzick allies would probably skin them for it, Pai was somewhat skeptical when Argo asked their 'celebrated band of heroes' for help.

Sure they'd gotten past all that Urn of Saint Viktor nonsense, kicked Argo's pompous arse in the Convocation, and beaten Zhu Hanuku to a bloody pulp – even thrashed that Shiro person to the Fissure of Woe and back – but still, she had a feeling they would be much better suited for other tasks. Like cleaning windows.

"Think about it," she said to Argo later, once she had gotten him out of earshot of her companions. "Klaos has a tank complex. Panaku's idea of fun is to cut someone's ear off and watch them run around in a panic. Instructor Zho chases imaginary Black Moas, Talon spends hours on end getting smashed and preening, Instructor Ying makes jokes about the Am Fah while surrounded by the Am Fah, and Professor Gai's biggest worry in battle is not walking off a cliff."

Argo furrowed his brow, not following her, and Pai began to whine. "I'm the worst one. Remember how I got caught up in the Convocation cuddling Daeman's pet crab and nearly got my team utterly destroyed? Now surely you don't still think you want us escorting your priceless baby turtles across a wide unguarded sea."

Argo appeared personally offended by this display of cowardice and pathetic wheedling.

"Don't be ridiculous. You can't fret your pretty head about those white-faced Kurzick nancy-boys… it'll be a breeze, eh? Firestorm here, Rodgort's Invocation there, you know the drill."

He gave a roguish, fellow-in-arms sort of wink – or what was meant to be a roguish, fellow-in-arms wink – and elbowed Pai playfully in the arm, which hurt quite a lot. She opted not to slap him. It wasn't his fault; Luxons just didn't know how to flirt.

The next morning, she bid farewell to Argo and the three or four of his friends who were nice enough to see them off, and headed to the gates to meet the turtles. Klaos apparently shared none of Pai's anxiety about their imminent failures as escorts, and was currently amusing himself by shadowstepping back and forth between her and Professor Gai (he appeared to be whistling something that sounded a lot like Brahms, which Pai thought was awfully anachronistic, seeing as it hadn't been written yet, and even if it had been, Brahms would have been a Kurzick anyway).

The first turret of the siege turtles came into view, and in true form, Pai shrugged off her worry and tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

The discrepancy was astounding, between Pai's initial "focused" expression and the one that appeared just after that, as soon as the baby turtles nestled between the siege turtles came into sight. Klaos could only describe it as a look of nauseating sweetness, like the one you gave to a baby or a good-looking chocolate bar. Apparently, Pai's common sense, if indeed she had ever possessed such a thing, had abandoned her immediately upon meeting with the baby turtles. Within seconds, she vowed that they would live to see the Leviathan Pits if it killed her.

Klaos figured that in the end, it probably would. She'd probably take him, and everyone else, with her. He also knew without a doubt that with these adorable animals in sight, the normally efficient nuker was going to be utterly useless as soon as any sort of fighting broke out. However, the last time he'd brought this to her attention, he had been set on fire, and so he kept his mouth shut. Perhaps with some luck, she would at least have the sense to protect her turtles and do some killing at the same time in the interest of self-preservation.

Trouble was quick in coming, and although Klaos did his best to remember those couple of Dwayna prayers he actually remembered from his youth, all Pai did was gather three unwilling baby turtles into her arms and kick the first couple of Kurzicks who dared come close to them with violent intentions.

Klaos had an alarming flashback to the episode with Daeman's crab, and quickly shadowstepped over to stab as many as he could before they could drag her off. However, his efforts were thwarted and he quickly moved out of the way when Pai once again decided to be dramatic and burst into flames.

"That ain't helping, mate!"

Time crawled along as they tried not to be obliterated, and presently, Sister Tai made it known that it was not healthy for a monk to be doing so much resurrecting. Since Klaos was doing most of the killing, and being killed, he figured that he did not have the time to lead a mass retreat. That was usually Pai's job, and she was otherwise occupied. Cycling through possible choices of people to go make her take charge, Klaos bypassed Panaku with a frown and came instead to her former teacher, who was currently trying to convince the unwilling assassin to tank so he could cast in safety.

"Oi, earth-bag!" Klaos shouted, earning himself a scowl, "get Pai, will you? She'll listen to you, eh?"

Thankful that Kai Ying had decided not to complain, Klaos resumed his leaping mantis strikes.

Kai Ying had to shout over the din of explosions and siege-turtle cannonballs, and even so, Pai interrupted him with a glare.

"Go away!" she snapped, "I'm perfectly fine! Look, we're winning!"

"What – are we? No we're not!" he retorted, bewildered. "Pai, this is ridiculous! They're just turtles!"

"We can just do what we always do! You know. That brink of death, shouting match, miraculous recovery thing!"

"Beg to differ. I've been warding till I'm blue, and might I point out we're not winning. Far from it, actually. A man can only dragon-stomp so many times in one hour, you know."

A moment passed in loud, explosive, screechy silence.

"Fine!" Pai finally groused, "You stay here, then."

"Wait, but… that won't help at all – "

"If you let any of them die, I'll immolate you where it hurts!"

With a sigh, Kai Ying took up his new position near Pai's precious baby turtles, grumbling something about having thought he'd taught her better than to threaten an authority figure with violent death, and began to focus on the alternative that did not involve Pai exacting fiery, messy, and thoroughly unpredictable revenge on his squishy parts.

The attacking Kurzicks, however, were another story, for once they found that hurting the baby turtles had become quite difficult due to the constant quaking of the ground beneath them, they decided en masse to deal with him instead. And yet, even in retrospect, this seemed a less gruesome fate than being roasted alive by a crazy animal-loving zealot, and so he grinned and bore it, and tried his best not to be tackled by a thick knot of sword-waving maniacs.

An hour later, the bedraggled party greeted a very surprised Argo back at Gyala Hatchery. Bloodied and grime-covered, they guiltily confronted the Luxon elementalist.

Argo said nothing into the awkward silence, and Pai coughed daintily to fill the void. Klaos shadowstepped idly.

"Where, pray tell," he asked delicately, "did the turtles go?"

"Well, that's the thing," Pai said as, behind her, her party became very interested in the ground. "We… need some more."

Klaos made sure not to be nearby when Argo erupted into a pillar of flame.

End

Let it be known that Lurbe and Pix wasted a total of 65 baby turtles trying to beat that infernal mission.