Castle leaned back in his chair. He had planned a lot of murders, but this was going to be fun. Since he was going to write this down it naturally had to have the right mix of truth with the fiction. What he would actually do if he were to commit suicide didn't figure into this story. For one thing, if he were doing it for real he would never kill himself at the loft because the last thing he would want would be for Mother or Alexis to discover his body.
For the story, it seemed fitting for him to die in his office surrounded by his books, but how should he do it? Suicide by cop would be pretty cool. He could go down in a hail of bullets from the SWAT team just like Butch and Sundance. He smiled at that thought. OK, fun to think about but doesn't fit the story.
He could shoot himself in the head. He suddenly shuddered at the thought of his mother cleaning up his blood and brains after his body was removed. No, that was out of the question.
Drown in the bathtub? How do people do that? Once his lungs were bursting for air he would just sit up. He had already tried freezing to death and that wasn't fun. It was pretty impractical for the office anyway. Hanging was definitely the way to go. It was an old standby but very effective. He leaned way back in his chair lacing his fingers behind his neck so he could examine the ceiling. It didn't seem like there was anything to hang from. He frowned as he looked around. No matter, his office will magically have a couple of open beams that he can toss the rope over.
Castle rubbed his hands together and with a smile started typing. A short time later his mother appeared in the doorway. Castle didn't even notice her. "Darling, you're working!" she exclaimed. "Why are you home so early?"
Castle looked up from his typing and gave her a smile. "Hello Mother. I will tell you all about it just a little later. I plan to make supper for us just as soon as I get done here. I shouldn't be too long."
A short time later Castle read over his completed story which ended in the graveyard. It was a sad, dismal tale of a life (his life) cut too short by total despair. As he finished reading it, he added in his head: "…and then his daughter stepped forward and spray painted a large 'L' on the coffin lid. Then everyone lived happily ever after except for the big loser in the grave. The End". He closed his laptop with a smile of satisfaction on his face. He had no idea that killing himself would be so cathartic!
Castle went out to the kitchen. Alexis was sitting on a barstool talking with his mother. He had a genuine smile on his face as he approached them. He put his arm across his daughter's shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. He really was a lucky man. Even if there were some rocky spots in his life, nobody's life was perfect and he certainly had more than most. He felt like he was already turning a corner and on his way to returning to his normal self.
"Dad," Alexis said, "Gram said you were going to cook and I am starving!"
"We can't have that!" Castle exclaimed, hurrying to the refrigerator.
As he cooked up the chicken and added a wine sauce, he told them about how Gates had banished him from the precinct. They were instantly concerned, but he told them it was OK. He actually felt good about being away from there and moving on with his life – even if he didn't know what he was moving on to. He didn't mention that Gates had left the door open for him to return.
Castle lay in bed that night. This was the hardest part of the day. He was alone with his thoughts. No matter what he thought about, it always worked back to Kate, his beautiful Kate. Visions of her played through his head constantly. He pictured her throwing her head back laughing gleefully. He pictured her bleeding out in his arms in the cemetery. He pictured her studying the murder board with her brow furrowed. He pictured her rolling her eyes at him. He felt like he had known her forever. There was so much joy and angst, life and death that defined their relationship. She had become a vital part of his life like water or air. They had been through more together than most couples would ever experience. Hell, how many times had they almost died together? Just how was he going to go on without her?
He glanced at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was just after 2 a.m. He sat up on the side of the bed raking a hand through his hair. He got up and made himself a drink. Then he leaned against the window frame staring into the darkness.
It had been a lot like this over the summer when she had pushed him away except then he thought she was with Josh. He never really thought they had a shot at being together. When they both returned to the precinct in the fall, he thought she wanted him to wait for her to work though her issues so they could be together. He waited and opened his heart and allowed himself to fall so deeply in love with her. He thought all along that she felt the same way. That she just needed more time. Finding out that she didn't feel the same way was devastating. He really thought he could continue to be her partner, but the hurt was just too raw. He tried to be aloof so he could build up some armor around his heart, but he came across as cold and sometimes mean. He tried to physically stay as far from her as he could so he wouldn't hurt her, but of course that hurt her, too.
In the daylight hours, he could will himself to make it through the day. He could use logic to tell himself life was good and make plans to get on with his life. But how could he make it through the nights? The emptiness was so overwhelming. It was more than emptiness, more than sadness. There was something very dark raging below the surface. It was like a black hole churning deep inside him, threatening to suck his whole being into it. Since sleep eluded him, he did whatever he could to get past it. The only thing he knew to try was to numb himself with alcohol. He made himself another drink and returned to the window.
Castle awoke around 8 that morning. He was lying across the foot of the bed. He didn't know exactly when he lay down but he knew it was sometime after 4:30. Alexis would have already gone to school. She was used to getting her own breakfast. Her dad often worked through the night when he had the right inspiration so this was nothing new.
He rubbed a hand across his face and groaned as he sat up. He finally pushed himself off the bed and made his way to the bathroom. He desperately needed a shower. He leaned his shoulder against the shower wall and just let the water rain down on him. It helped to wake him up, remove some of the cobwebs. He finally finished his shower and then shaved. The image staring back at him from the mirror was not a pretty sight. The dark circles under his eyes made him look old and haggard. It seemed like there were more lines in his face. He was almost surprised his hair wasn't gray. He looked as rough as he felt.
He didn't feel like breakfast so he sat down at his computer. There was an annoying dull ache behind his eyes. He opened up his suicide story and read through it. It didn't seem so fun now. There were no creative juices flowing in him now to buoy him up like when he wrote it. It was just a pathetic story about the pathetic end of his pathetic life. He opened up the list he wrote yesterday. It was pretty pathetic as well. If he was looking for inspiration for rebooting his life there wasn't much there.
Then he noticed the 'join a gym' item. Castle considered that option. He was more out of shape than he had ever been so joining a gym actually made a lot of sense. After all, he was over 40 now and certainly needed to take better care of himself. Besides that, it would probably feel great to punch something, and exercise just might help him sleep. It would also give him a new group of people to hang around. Above all he was looking for a distraction. Maybe he could plot a murder at a gym…
Martha breezed into the loft and went straight to Castle's office. "Richard?" she called but got no answer. She didn't think he had any plans today and figured he'd be working. She'd asked him at supper the night before what he was working on. She knew it wasn't Nikki Heat, but he had been very vague about it. She couldn't help herself. She opened up his laptop and clicked on the most recent document. It was a story called the Final Chapter. She started reading it. Soon there were tears streaming down her face. By the time she got to the end of the story she was struggling to hold the sobs in.
Castle arrived home about an hour later and headed to his office dropping his keys on his desk. Suddenly he realized his mother was sitting off to the side in one of the wing back chairs. He could tell instantly that she had been crying.
"Mother, what's wrong? Alexis?" He was by her side in an instant.
She shook her head, "Alexis is fine. It's you I'm worried about." Tears were forming in her eyes again.
"Me? I'm fine. What has happened?" Castle was extremely concerned now. He had rarely ever seen his mother cry so he knew this was very serious.
"I read your story, the Final Chapter. Oh Richard, I had no idea how deep your depression was. We can get you help," she said grabbing his hand.
Castle was horrified almost to the point of being speechless. Although finding your son's body after he committed suicide was probably the worst thing that could happen, the second worst thing would be finding his plan to commit suicide. "No, Mother! God no, I'm not going to commit suicide. I would never commit suicide. I was just writing a story. I just wanted to kill off Richard Castle on paper so I could start a new phase in my life." Castle was desperate to make her understand but his explanation sounded pretty thin even to him.
Martha shook her head. "It's not just a story. You've listed everything that's wrong in your life and you have everything planned out. You used your own name and our names. Richard you even have the date of your suicide in there."
Castle knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. "Mother, I have never lied to you." His mother gave him a look. "…about anything important. I promise you that I am not planning to commit suicide and I will never commit suicide." He looked her straight in the eyes so she could see for herself that he was being truthful.
She was studying him carefully. "Why would you write such a thing if you weren't considering it?"
Castle shrugged a little. "I knew my life had to move in a different direction. I thought if I wrote about the worst option that I had that it would put things in perspective. It worked too. I felt great after I wrote that, but I never intended for you or Alexis to see it." Castle stood up and helped his mother to her feet. He wrapped her in a hug. "I am so sorry, Mother. Please forgive me."
Martha held on to her son for a long while. She wanted to believe him so badly, but what if there was a chance that it was a real plan? He certainly seemed sincere in his denials. "OK, Kiddo," she said with a brave smile. "If you tell me everything is OK then I have to believe it."
That night Castle told his mother and Alexis about going to the gym and hiring a personal trainer. He had decided to give kick boxing a try, but he had also spent a couple of hours there just talking to people. He already knew quite a bit about the 2 girls working at the juice bar and had talked with the aerobics instructor while she was between classes. He even met a few of the members and had observed many more. As he described his day, he was well aware of how closely his mother was watching him.