Castle sat on his couch browsing through the newspaper. Today was D-day as in the day that he chose to die. Why did he have to write down a date? His leg was nervously bouncing up and down. He had tried to be as upbeat and happy as possible the last few days. It'd been exhausting. He wanted his mother to believe that there was nothing to worry about, but he figured at the last minute she would have a migraine or some other excuse not to go to the theater.
Finally, his mother and Alexis came down the stairs ready to go. Castle got up to walk them to the door. "You girls have a great time," he said giving each a little hug.
"And you behave yourself," his mother said adding extra meaning with her look.
Castle ushered them out the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe his mother really believed him. He decided this was a great time for a drink.
Kate stood outside Castle's door. She had watched Martha and Alexis leave and now here she was. She surely hadn't ever been this nervous in her life. Her heart was already pounding. Would he be angry to see her? Would he even let her in? If he was really suicidal would she say the wrong thing? She kept fidgeting with her hair and trying to breathe. She wanted to run away but she couldn't. She finally knocked on the door.
Castle rolled his eyes sure his mother was returning having lost the tickets or getting that migraine. He threw the door open. "Kate," he said in surprise. Then his eyes grew wide. "OH…MY…GOD! My mother sent you!"
Kate nodded apologetically. "So I suppose Lanie is downstairs in case you were too late?" Castle asked dryly.
"Don't joke about it," Kate said.
Castle could see the pain in her eyes. She looked – what – scared? She definitely looked like she hadn't been sleeping much. He stepped aside and motioned her in. "OK, so how does this work? You text my mother every 15 minutes to let her know I'm still alive?"
"Something like that," Kate replied. This was going much better than expected and she was relaxing a little. Castle looked better than the last time she saw him at the precinct. He didn't seem depressed although she knew that depressed people who finally decide to commit suicide often seem much happier.
"Care for a drink? Wine?" he asked walking behind the kitchen counter.
"That would be nice," she replied, climbing on a barstool.
Castle poured her a glass then set it front of her. "First of all I need to apologize for the text I sent you. That 3 month crack was uncalled for so I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize," Beckett replied although she was secretly pleased that he didn't mean it.
"So tell me about the case. Did the butler do it?" Castle asked.
Beckett rolled her eyes at him. He sounded like the old Castle but there was something in his eyes that didn't quite let the humor shine through. He seemed a little guarded. "Since there was no butler involved that wasn't a very good guess!" Beckett spent quite some time telling Castle about how the case unfolded and how they were able to wrap it up on Thursday. Castle interjected questions and comments throughout. Talking cases was definitely their comfort zone.
Castle told Beckett about how Alexis' college search was going. So far she'd been accepted at several colleges and Beckett could see how proud Castle was.
"I guess you're already caught up on how my mother is doing," Castle said pointedly. Beckett felt her cheeks warming up.
"You know, I was afraid you'd be really angry with me for coming here." Beckett said a little tentatively.
"You're here because you're concerned and you care. How could I be angry at that?" Castle said gently. "It couldn't have been easy for you to come here after how I'd acted at work." Castle didn't want to make it difficult on Beckett. He could only imagine how unsettling it was for her to hear of his suicide plan. Even if she didn't love him, they were still very close.
Beckett squirmed a little as an awkward silence fell between them. She was truly surprised at how easy he was making this, but still she just didn't know what to say. She wanted to say she was sorry and that she loved him but she didn't know how to begin or how to make him believe her.
"Why did you write that story?" she finally asked.
Castle sighed. "I wish I hadn't. Did you really believe I was going to kill myself?"
"Not at first, but then I remembered how different you were at the precinct the past couple of weeks and I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Then when Martha told me about the story you wrote using real names and dates and details, I got really scared." Kate said honestly.
"I wrote it because I'm a writer letting off steam like you might go to the firing range to let off steam. I actually enjoyed doing it. I didn't think about the consequences it could have." He paused then leaned on the counter looking directly into her eyes. God she was beautiful. "So you've been studying me for quite a while now. Just like you study a suspect. What do you think now?"
Beckett's cheeks flushed. She felt like his blue eyes could look right through her. She had been studying him since she arrived looking for a sign that he was desperate or resigned. "I still can't believe you would kill yourself, but I'm not positive. Tell me yourself that you won't do it."
"Beckett, I will not commit suicide." Castle said matter-of-factly, looking her in the eyes. He paused for several seconds then added, "I see you aren't convinced."
Castle stood up and polished off his drink. "I can prove to you that it was only a story and not a plan. Beckett, you're the best detective I know. If you examine the crime scene and the evidence you can prove to yourself that I'm not planning suicide."
"OK," Beckett said with a smile always up for a challenge.
Castle led her into his office and opened up his laptop and then froze. "What's the matter?" Beckett asked.
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," he said remembering his mother's reaction. He was also thinking about how he had described exactly how he felt about Kate. That she was the love of his life and how devastated he was to lose her. Normally he was very open about his feelings, but he always held back from Kate because she was like a deer in the headlights when someone expressed love for her. She already knew he loved her. He guessed it couldn't hurt now for her to know the extent of his feelings.
"Why? You thought it was a great idea just a minute ago." Kate said somewhat exasperated.
"I'm afraid it will upset you if you read it."
"Castle, I investigate homicides for crying out loud." Beckett said but she was unsure about how she would handle reading about his suicide.
"OK, I will leave it up to you, but if you decide to read it you have to remember it is just a story. I was intentionally trying to make it really hopeless and pathetic." Castle said not at all sure he was doing the right thing.
"Well, if it proves that you aren't really planning to kill yourself then I want to read it." Beckett said. She truly hoped she could see it as a story. Since Martha's visit she worried constantly about Castle's impending death and even if he wasn't really going to kill himself, she was concerned about his mental health for even writing about it. She couldn't help but think she was responsible for the dark emotions that were propelling him toward thinking about ending his life.
Castle opened up the file for her. Then he started nervously pacing the room, his eyes never leaving her face. It didn't seem like she was even breathing. Then her eyes were swimming with tears. Castle rubbed his forehead. Why did he let her read it? He was such an idiot. She finally got to the end and hastily wiped the tears off her cheeks.
"Are you alright? I'm sorry I shouldn't have let you read it." He wanted to hug her but he couldn't.
She looked up at him, her eyes still glistening and said a little choked, "That was hard to read." She took a deep breath then smiled at him, "But I know that it is just a story."
Castle smiled warmly back at her, relieved that she was such a good detective. He loved how smart she was. It was just one of many things he loved about her. "OK, Detective Beckett, what gave it away?"
"The main thing is that there are no beams in your office. How are you going to hang yourself? Besides that, what self respecting, world famous author would commit suicide without writing his own epitaph?"
Castle grinned with the old twinkle in his eye. "You didn't even need the murder board to figure it out." He really missed working cases with her.
He couldn't believe she even mentioned the epitaph. He had thought about coming up with one, but in his mind it would have made the story too real. He never thought anyone else would even think about it. Of course he wasn't intending for anyone else to ever read it.
Her eyes were searching his. "You never really considered killing yourself, did you?"
Castle shook his head, "No, I didn't. Every day is a gift, but once I wrote that story – or rather once someone else read it - it wasn't something I could undo. There wasn't anything I could say or do to truly convince my mother that there was absolutely no truth in it. I'm sorry she dragged you into it too." Castle hesitated. "I did have several dark days, but it really helped to shed some of that darkness into a story. I didn't mean for it to bring pain to others."
"I'm glad your mother came to me, it really opened my eyes, but I wish you could have talked to me yourself."
Rick opened his mouth to speak but Beckett raised her hand to cut him off.
"I want you to hear me out. I have some things that I need to tell you, and if you had died today I would have lost my chance forever. I'm sorry about last summer. When you sent me that text about calling me in 3 months I realized how bad you must have felt last summer. I just wasn't thinking about it from your point of view, that I was shutting you out. I thought I needed to recover on my own, to pull myself together and start healing physically and emotionally before I could let someone else into my life."
Kate looked down at the floor for a moment, but bravely raised her eyes to his. "I was wrong. I realize that now. Castle, I've also been seeing a therapist. I'm trying to work through my issues so that I can have a relationship without sabotaging it because of my insecurities and fears."
Castle nodded, "You deserve a healthy relationship. I'm glad you're getting help. Is it working? "
Beckett drew in a deep breath and nodded. Wow, he still wasn't getting it. "Rick, I remember when you said you loved me in the cemetery when I was shot. When you first asked me about it I was afraid to talk about it. I was still with Josh and I just didn't know how to deal with it so I lied. Later…," she dropped her head briefly, "I was wrong not to tell you later. I don't have a good excuse. I just kept thinking there would be a right time."
"I understand," Castle said. It's a lot easier to tell someone 'I love you too' than it is to say 'sorry, I don't love you'. He really did understand. "It's OK," he said.
"No! You don't understand!" Beckett exclaimed her eyes flashing, suddenly angry. How could he be so dense? "I love you!" Her hand flew to her mouth. She was appalled that it came out that way, all angry and loud. Castle just looked at her with his mouth open unable to process this new information. Beckett got her voice under control and said, "Rick, I love you. I love you so much it scares the shit out of me."
"Kate, are you serious? I was sure you didn't love me." He quickly covered the distance between them. He cupped her face in his hands and stared into her eyes for several seconds wanting to make sure this was true. He could see the warmth and love in her eyes. He smiled at her with the customary spark in his eyes. "You've made me a very happy man." He bent down and pressed his lips against hers. Her lips were soft and yielding. His hand slid down her back and he pressed her body closer to his. Every nerve ending was lighting up. Her arms went around his neck, one hand running through his hair. His gentle kiss became more demanding. Their tongues touched and danced together. Finally they came up for air. They were both breathless. Rick just wanted to pick her up and carry her to his bedroom, but he knew his mother and Alexis would be back at any time. There would be plenty of time for that later. Kate looked up at Rick. He had a goofy, happy grin on his face. Kate just laughed at him.
"Come on. We can wait on the couch for them to return. We'll have to show Mother that I made it through the day."