Chapter eight. Okay, admit it, how many of you cried when i killed maya off? come one, don't be ashamed. i cried to. when megan read this, she cried too but i did tell her it was probably going to happen.

I don't own Neopets. Tamara and all them are mine.

"I Just Wanna Die!"
Chapter Eight

I stared at the spot where Maya had disappeared from my sight. I could barely hear the snapping of branches as she fell over the defensive screeches of the opposing Eyrie and the war-like cries of the three Lupes.

I barely even noticed as Thor took me by the shoulders and made me stand up. "Come on, Tam. Let's get you out of here."

I didn't understand. I could barely move as Thor hooked the carabineer to my belt. Then, he slowly edged me off the cliff until I dangled there on the rope like an oddly-shaped fruit. I didn't even attempt to belay myself. I just hung there until Jesse was forced to lower me himself.

"You got her, Jase?" Jesse asked as I felt strong arms take me and unhook the rope. He unfastened the climbing belt.

"Here Boaz. You take her. She looks like she's in shock." Jason said, passing me over to Bo.

I struggled away from Bo and walked in the direction of the grove. Behind me, Bo called my name. "Tam! Tamara!"

"Don't just stand there, Bo. Go after her." Jesse said.

I heard Bo's feet on the dirt path, then on grass as he followed me into the grove; Thunder panting at his heels. I didn't stop until I reached the spot where she lay.

There was no doubting it, now. Her body was too mangled for me to deny it. There was bleeding scratches all over her body and blood pooled on the ground beneath her. Her limbs flipped about in ever direction. Her head twisted to one side with her mouth wide open. And her eyes! Oh, those eyes that were so full of life and vibrance; full of happiness, kindness and generosity; full of understanding every time she looked at me—a middle school castoff. They were now glassy and dull; void of all the things that made Maya who she was.

I stared at those blank eyes for a moment until Bo's voice pulled me out of my revere. "Though they were companions in life, now they will be companions in death." I now noticed that China was sprawled across Maya's chest; also dead.

Bo put his arms around me to take me back to the mountain. I shrugged away from him. "Please, Bo." I begged. "Leave me alone for a while."

"Okay." Bo's voice was soft; almost inaudible. He stayed where he was while I walked away from him. Away from the mountain. Away from Jesse, Thor, and Jason.

Away from Maya.

I walked until my tired limbs gave way and I collapsed in a heap on the needle-covered floor. And then, I began to cry. I don't mean crying as in stub-your-toe-on-a-rock crying. I mean absolute bawling. My remorseful howls raised into a loud shriek.

Perhaps that is what drew Fangore to me.

"Mistress?" Fangore asked, nosing my arm. I turned around and engulfed Fangore's neck in my arms in a huge hug. Fangore held still as I hugged him. He neither moved nor spoke as I bawled. My tears spilling down my cheeks and mingled with the blood he had on his fur.

I don't know how long I sat there and cried. Over and over I kept replaying the scene in my mind. The look of fear and surprise she had locked onto me with. A look of good-bye.

"Tam. Come on." Thor's hands were at my wrists; prying them away from Fangore's neck. I didn't try to resist. But I didn't want his company either. Though parts of me screamed for me to stay, I rose as he lifted me bodily and carried me.

He sat with me close to his chest—his arms wrapped around me as though to protect me from something else—as we rode back to campus on a wagon; one of the locals drove us back. I dared not look at the two bundles—one large the other small—at my feet.

When we arrived back at campus, Thor helped me down off the wagon and walked me back to the lobby of Tyrannian Dorm. Then, he let me go from there in the care of my Resident Director, Teresa.

"What's wrong with Tamara?" I heard her ask Thor.

Thor was silent. He shook his head; unable to answer.

Teresa steered me to the couch and sat me down. She clasped my hands and looked me in the eye. "Tamara? Tam, can you hear me?"

I nodded, the tears still coursing freely down my face.

"Then, tell me, Tam. What happened?" Teresa asked, wiping my cheeks with a tissue.

I could only utter two words ("Maya. Dead.") before getting up and going upstairs.

No sooner had I gone into the room then I curled up on my bed in a tight ball and cried. Fangore crawled up onto the bed next to me and I held him. Just like the the grove I held him and he neither moved nor spoke. I cried the bitter tears of remorse. I cried until everything around me was spotted with my tears and mucus built up in my throat. I cried so loudly that the empty room echoed. And then, my door opened.

I had expected it to be Kara (I would have punched her if it was), or Teresa, or Bella, or even Randi and Camara. Instead, I felt hands gently scoot me and Fangore closer to the wall and a long body slip in behind me. The hands grasped my forearms and the elbows squeezed my shoulders in. Then, a thumb brushed my damp cheek and jawline.

I didn't look to see who it was. I didn't want to.

"Oh, Tam! It's gonna be alright." It was Kayla. It sounded as though she had been crying too.

But Kayla never cries! I thought. She was always so happy. Very little ever brought her down. Kayla was the kind of person who would knock on your door in the morning and greet you with a smile and the phrase, "Good morning, Beautiful! The sun is shining and the Earth says 'Hello'!" Was death of a friend or relative her weak spot? Is this what it took to get to her?

I thought about what she might think of me crying right now. Sure, she (and everyone else) had seen me teary-eyed but never saw me cry. Maybe the rough exterior I let everyone see was just a mask to hide the real pain underneath. I wasn't as strong as everyone thought me to be. Not as strong as I thought I was. I only ever teared up a few times; mostly due to homesickness or if I saw someone else who was unhappy. But, this was the first I had cried. This was the first I had heard Kayla cry too. I knew I would find no comfort with her there next to me while we were both saddened. But, I couldn't bring myself to tell her to go away. Now, I couldn't say that I never saw death. Death had happened right before my very eyes.I understood why Mom made me wait outside when death was about to show its ugly face in the OR.

"You!"

I rolled over; nearly shoving Kayla off the bed. I sat up and saw Alison pointing at me accusingly. Her face and eyes were read with anger, frustration, and sadness. Why wouldn't she be? She just lost her twin sister for God's sake!

"I wanna know what happened and I wanna know it, NOW!"

I curled up in a tight ball and cradled my head my my hands. I couldn't bear to look at Alison anymore. The fury that tightened her once-gleeful features scared me.

"Give her a break, Ali!" Kayla said, wrapping her arms around me. "She just lost her best friend for goodness sake!"

"Are you forgetting that her best friend was my twin sister?" Alison snapped.

"Of course not." Kayla said. "But, Tam and Maya were really close this year."

"I still wanna know what happened." Alison growled.

"I understand that." Kayla said. "But, maybe she can't say anything. Did you ever think of that?"

"I just got back from the library only to find that they're carting my sister's body around. Nobody can tell me anything. I want answers."

My head came up abruptly. "SHE DIED SAVING ME, ALRIGHT?" I screamed. I don't know why I screamed at Maya's grieving sister. What I do know is that I was tired of the bickering when I was trying to grieve in peace.

I jumped off the bed and ran over to the window; quickly drawing up the blinds and throwing open the window. I hoisted myself on the ledge and sat there; staring out across the valley.

"Explain." Alison said.

Between sobs that racked my frame, I gave a full account of how Maya's death had occurred. Then, I laid my head down on my knees; not daring to look at the looks of awe and surprise that I knew Kayla and Alison had.

I heard Kayla slide off my bed and approach me. I didn't move even as she put her hands on my shoulders. "Think of it this way, Tam. At least she didn't die for nothing."

"But she still died." I said. I still didn't look at Kayla.

"She died saving you. If that's not sacrifice I don't know what is." Kayla said.

"If I hadn't gone up on that mountain she would still be here." I said. I found myself staring at the ground instead of the sky or valley. Almost immediately, a tempting voice entered my head.

Do it! It'll be quick and painless. It's all your fault she's dead. It should be you on that cart, not her.

"Tam? What are you doing?"

I hadn't realized that I had swung a leg out the open window in an attempt to make a jump for it. A small portion of my screamed "Don't do it!" but I ignored it and swung the other leg out.

Kayla was too dumbstruck to do anything.

But Alison wasn't.

When my butt was just inches out the window, she shoved Kayla aside and grabbed me under the armpits; locking her fingers around my waist. She hauled me into the room, kicking and screaming "bloody murder".

She pinned me by my wrists to the wall. "What were you thinking?" she demanded.

"Let me go, Ali." I said.

"You could have either killed yourself or ended up badly injured!" she continued and her grip tightened.

"That's the point." I said.

"Tam. That's stupid." Kayla said, having finally pulled out of her dumbfounded state.

"So what if it is?" I asked. "It's my fault she's dead and I can't live with this regret."

"It's not your fault." Alison said. "She chose to go with you, didn't she?"

"Yeah. And all because my roommate is an idiot." I said, struggling against Alison's grip.

"You didn't know Kara was gonna do that." Kayla said. "It's really housing's fault for putting you two together."

"Besides, Eyries are vicious. They attack anything that moves but their own kind. People lose things whenever they're confronted with an Eyrie." Alison said.

I stopped moving. Tears building up on the bottoms of my eyes. We did lose something. Though Thor, Kara and I had walked away from the cliff top in one piece, we had lost something. Someone. And I hated them for it.

"Oh, for goodness sake, Alison! Let her go." someone said at the door.

Immediately, Alison let me go and I looked up and saw Randi and Camara at the door.

Randi saw the tears beginning to fall and crossed the room towards me and she hugged me; crushing my body against her's. Then, she sat down and drew me into her lap. As Randi held me, I could hear the throbbing of her heart which was synchronized with mine. I felt like a little child again wrapped in her arms as I cried into her hair which smelled faintly of shampoo from this morning.

"Do you know?" Kayla asked Camara.

Out of the corner of my tear-fogged eyes, I saw Camara nod. She indicated downstairs and explained.

"We had just come in from supper when I saw Teresa talking to some administrators. She mentioned Maya's name and we knew that we had to find Tam. Seeing as how they were close."

"Good thing, too." Alison said, sitting on the edge of Kara's bed. "She was about ready to jump out the window."

Randi's jaw dropped and her grip tightened around my shoulders. "She actually tried to commit suicide?"

"She feels guilty because of Maya's death." Alison said.

"It's not her fault, is it?" Camara asked.

"No." Alison said, shaking her head. She related to Camara and Randi what I had related to her and Kayla.

Randi held me all the more tighter until I was sure my arms were about to be knocked from their sockets. Her face was close to my forehead and I felt her breath on my damp face.

She wiped at my cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt; all the while scolding me about my own stupidity; reminding me of all the people who would miss me when I was gone.

I immediately thought of Mom. A single parent raising two teens. All she had left was me and Codax. If I'd died, mom wouldn't just lose her daughter, she would also lose an assistant. Codax never helped. What was going to be mom's reaction if I died? Would Codax even care at all?

I thought of Mam and Pap. Those two had practically raised me when dad left. Mam became my godmom while my real mom worked while Pap became the father dad never was. My grandparents became my godparents until Mom let me be her assistant. I thought of how they would react to the attempt I was about to put on my life. Could I really do that to them? Could I really hurt them that bad?

Then, I thought of my friends. All these people who knew me from September or November. All of them were with me from the beginning of school. I thought of what would possibly happen to them if I left. Could I really do that to them? Would they even miss me?

I had much to contemplate. Even as I spent the night in Randi's room. The next day, I was excused from classes but Teresa came up to see me as I scrawled notes on Shoyru mating calls.

She explained that though Thor and I had acted admirably, there were still procedures we should have followed. As a result, we were on Social Probation until the end of the year. Kara was too, though Teresa informed me that despite several scratches and a dislocated shoulder, she was fine.

Personally, I thought that living with the knowledge my best friend was dead was punishment enough. But, I agreed that Social Probation was fair.

And I endured it . . . in silence.

Well, maybe not complete silence.

in case you were wondering, a lot of what was going on with tam and the suicidal thoughts actually happened to me. there was a lot of junk - stuff i can't talk about - that happened at the naz and i couldn't handle it all at that time. i just wanted it all to stop and go away but it wasn't going away. so, there you have it. no, i did not almost throw myself out a window but there was the temptation lingering in the back of my mind but katie (kayla) and amanda (alison) were there when all that shit was going on so the thoughts went away. for a while anyway.