Chapter Eleven. I think i might have my data mixed up when i wrote this b/c i don't remember if rebecca and crystal (camara) actually went with me when i went to the councelling center or not. anyway, enjoy.

I don't own Neopets. Tamara and all them are mine.

Jessica
Chapter Twelve

The following morning, Camara and Randi woke me up not long after sunrise. Last night, Teresa pulled a few strings and got me an early placement to see a counselor. That placement was a the ninth hour of the morning during the weekend.

Camara threw herself at me in a massive bearhug that was so hard, I felt my spine crack in three places. "Thank you for choosing a safe route." she said.

I waited for my breath to come back while Randi gave me a firm but much gentler hug that didn't wind or hurt me.

They waited for me to dress before setting off, arm in arm. Randi led us up to the second floor of the cafeteria building. Before long, I saw the black sign hanging over a big wooden door. White letters told me we were in the right place. I hesitated, having no real desire to walk into a strange place with strange people and talk to someone one on one about what was really bothering me.

Randi touched me on my head, then her hand dropped down to my shoulder blades. She let me taking in a deep, shaky breath. "It's okay, Tammy." She said. "Tell you what, spend a little time in here and we'll have breakfast together."

"Tammy?" I asked. No one ever called me Tammy. I had nothing against the new nickname. It caught me by surprise that she said it.

"Just thought I'd call you something different. Tam's just too ordinary. Hoped you wouldn't mind." Randi said.

I shook my head. "No, it's fine. You just surprised me is all." I brushed back my bangs and sighed deeply. "Okay. Where should I meet you?"

Camara pointed around the bend. "On the benches over there." She squeezed my elbow, encouragingly. "Take your time. We'll wait for you as long as you need us to. You've been suffering long enough. It's time you were healed."

"No argument there." I muttered. I was still very much reluctant to walk in alone. Even with Fangore with me, I was still feeling a little exposed or unprepared. And I was usually prepared for almost anything.

"It'll be okay." Randi said. "If we could go in with you we would but they'll turn us aside. For now, you're on your own."

"I know. Thanks anyway." I said. With that, I went in.

The counseling center was basically empty. The place itself was oblong fronted by a l-shape desk. A yellow Mynci watched us come in before tittering a warning to its owner. The receptionist looked up.

"Hello. How may I help you?" she asked, cheerfully. She expressed the emotion of joy I did not feel.

"Hi. I, um, I'm new here. My RD called last night announcing my request to get help." I said.

"Oh yes. You must be Tamira." the receptionist said.

"No, it's Tamara." I said.

"Oh. My apologizes. The reception here is poor so I thought your name had an i."

"Don't worry. Happens all the time." I lied.

The receptionist walked around the desk and asked me to fill out and sign a few papers; documents for their records, basically.

After waiting a few minutes, I was greeted by a woman who was flanked by a Gelert. She accepted the papers the receptionist gave her before turning to me.

"Tamara?" she asked.

I nodded and rose.

"I'm Jessica. But you can call me Jess. I'm going to be your counselor." She shook my hand and I followed her back into her office.

It was a simple get-up; a desk and two chairs. Her desk had compartments fileld with folders of different clients. As Jess shut the door behind me, I felt trapped. Cornered even. I took the vacant cushioned chair and lay draped over it while watching her fill out a new sheet and look over the ones I had done.

I waited patiently while Jess scanned the papers with an expert eye. Finally, she placed the papers on a shelf by her chair.

"So, Tamara." She said, resting her folded hands over her folded legs. "Just a little information about me. I have been a Neo-trainer for about ten years. My neopet is this Gelert, Sandy." She touched the head of the yellow Gelert; right between the erect ears. The creature gave a friendly bark, then panted; pink tongue lolling out from his heavy, white jaws. "While I was in school, I also underwent counseling. It's helped me and I hope it will help you. So, I will try to make this as painless as possible for the both of us."

I nodded but didn't respond.

"Tell me about yourself." Jess said.

Before I knew what I was doing, my entire life rolled off my lips. I told her about my family, how I found Fangore (or rather how he found me), and what happened while I was at school. Thirteen years laid out in about fifteen minutes. All the while, Jess wrote everything I said in a notebook. When I finished, she looked up.

"So, about your father. Do you feel resentment toward him for leaving your family?"

I shrugged. "A little. I've never really thought about it much. Dad said he was going to look for something better, but he would send us his earnings. We received two paychecks out of the nine years he had been serving on NEO." Now that I thought about it, I did feel resentment towards the man who fathered me. After all, he had just randomly up and left one morning before dawn without so much as a "see you later". Mom was torn up over it. But, she had somehow managed to get by with only the clinic to keep her occupied.

"Yeah. I do feel resentment towards him. He left when I was barely four and never came back. If that doesn't kick you in the rear I don't know what will." My voice was louder than I wanted it to be. Fangore licked my forearm to get me to quiet down a little.

"Tell me about your brother, Codax." Jess said. "How did he react to this leave of absence?"

"He was almost eight. He didn't get it anymore than I did." I said. "But, the older he got the more bitter and resentful he became. He pretty much blamed Mom for everything."

"Were your father and brother close?"

I snorted. "Are you kidding? Dad was Codax's mentor. I mean, Codax was born with a mild form of dyslexia. He can't read words shorter than four letters. Dad helped him with that. Pulled some strings at the local school and got him a SEP."

"SEP?"

"Special Education Program."

"Ah." Jess scribbled something in her notebook.

"Yeah. Codax looked up to Dad. But, when Dad left, Codax felt a little abandoned because Dad promised to take him places."

"And, what about you? Do you feel abandoned? Angry?"

"Well, I feel angry that Dad left without explaining why. But, I feel more like he abandoned Mom more than me."

"So, you feel like he didn't care about you?"

"Oh, I know he didn't care about me. He wanted another little boy. But, he got a girl instead. I knew he was disappointed I was a girl because he never did anything with me."

"Are you sure that's not just you talking?" Jess asked.

"I'm sure." I said, fixing my position again in the hard chair. "You can ask my mother if you don't believe me."

"I'd rather not bring your mother into this so I'll take your word for it." Jess said, giving me a weak smile. I realized, then, that counseling was a privacy matter. Even kept secret from one's own family. "So, Tamara . . ."

"You can call me Tam or Tammy if you'd like." I said. I suddenly like the idea of being called Tammy. Even after Randi's minor slip-up.

"Very well. So, Tammy. When did these thoughts of suicide start?"

"The day my best friend died." I said.

"You mean the one that was killed by Eyries?"

"Yes."

"How well did you know her?"

"Well enough to call her my best friend." I said, tears staring to fall. I always cried whenever I thought of Maya. Even the sound of her name dug a deep hole in my chest and the waterworks usually started.

"Did you get along?"

"Yes. A little too well." I said. "We shared all kinds of things. She was . . . she was almost like a sister to me. I mean, we practically went everywhere together. We had the same interests. Like, the fact that we both wanted to be great Neo-Trainers. Noth of us had parents that were separated. We both lived with our mothers. . . ."

"Sounds like you had a lot in common." Jess said.

I nodded, accepting the tissue Jess had passed my way. "Yeah. Yeah we did." I wiped my eyes and sniffed into the papery hankie. "We were supposed to be roommies next year. Maya was someone I could fall back on if things got rough. And, somehow, she always knew when I was getting lonely and she would come visit." My voice became choked. I cleared it a little and leaned my head back. "Maya was always there for me when I needed her."

"So, you feel like you lost your support." Jess said.

I nodded, accepting a second tissue.

"Tell me something, Tam. Were you there when the Eyries attacked or had someone told you what happened?"

"I was there. I watched her die. I watched her disappear over the cliff." I saw the image very clearly in my head. I saw the same, shocked look she gave me as she disappeared.

"How come you were not injured?"

"She pushed me down." I said.

"So, she sacrificed her life for your's?"

"So they say."

"How does that make you feel?"

"How do you think it makes me feel, I'm talking to you aren't I?" I snapped.

"Hmm." she mused, looking down at her notes; not the least upset that I had screamed at her. "It seems to me, Tam, that your life meant more to her than her's meant to herself. You should be happy to have had a friend like Maya. Not many have the gall to do what she did. And that, Tamara, is what may of us call 'love'."

I said nothing. Eight years of getting crap at my local school taught me that love was a real waste of time. I had heard "I love you, Tamara" from Mom every night before going to sleep as she tucked me in. But, did love really exist between people outside of families? Was there another force behind Maya's actions? Why would she push me down knowing her own life was at stake? Would she have pushed me down at all if she had the choice?

"I would say that you're guilt-tripping. It's quite common for people who have endured much trauma. You are also suffering from something called 'Survivor's Guilt'. War-time folks have endured the same things only from far worse situations than your's. They have watched their buddies being shot down and killed in wars. So, think of it this way, people have endured far worse than you."

I took in a deep, shuttering breath.

"Another thing, Tam. Let's role-play. Put yourself in Maya's position. If both of you were alive today and your places were switched, would you have done the same? Would you—as the Earth-inhabitants say-'take a bullet for your friend'?"

I considered it. This time, I played the image differently; putting myself in Maya's position. Truthfully, I was very much afraid of death; afraid of the unknown really. But, this time, I saw the Eyrie attacking just as Maya was rising from Kara's inert form.

"Maya! Look out!" I cried and pushed hard against her back; catching her completely off balance and causing her to fall flat on her belly.

I imagined that the tail was big and heavy; with enough muscle power to wind an Elephante. As it struck me, I was sent flying over the cliff edge. At first, the sensation of flying was exhilarating. But, as I started to drop, my insides began to come up and a vomiting feeling ensued.

"Well?" Jess asked.

I opened my eyes, not realizing I had closed them. I nodded. "Yes. Yes I would've done the same." I said.

"I want you to keep that in mind next time we meet. Perhaps next Thursday at three?"

"Yeah. Three o'clock is good." I said. "Thank you, Jess. For listening, I mean."

"You're welcome." Jess said, handing me an appointment card.

As I left the office and met Randi and Cam where they said they would be, I felt very relaxed. Almost like a two-ton weight had just been lifted off my shoulders.

Even Randi noticed I was relaxed after giving me and hug when she saw my tear-stained face.