A/N: So there's a spoiler for Shrek (the first movie.) I think that's worth mentioning.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters.
Monday morning Jane found herself at work early for once. In fact she was the only one in the office. The phones weren't ringing, there was no hustle and bustle to a crime scene, it was just quiet. She propped up her feet on her desk as she sipped her coffee. The coffee was fantastic. She had time to go to her favorite café that morning courtesy of Jo Friday who had to use the potty before her normal time. Jane leaned back in her chair taking slow bites of her apple fritter and nursing the coffee. Her mother wasn't badgering her about missing family dinner because she actually went. Her shoulder hardly bothered her at all; there was no pain at least. Her arm just felt kind of weak. Best of all, she was on speaking terms with Maura. Overall it was a pretty perfect morning.
Maura stood in the doorway of the homicide bullpen. She wasn't expecting Jane to be there so early, she was just going to leave a note on the detective's desk but Jane was there, in the flesh. She watched Jane take delicate sips of her coffee and take bites out of the pastry in her hand. Under any normal circumstances she would have walked into the open room and they would have talked about anything, everything, nothing. But they hadn't been on 'normal' for months.
It was kind of silly, Maura knew, but she couldn't help but feel insecure about the place she held in the detective's life. The night before, at dinner, Jane said they were friends. She had told Frankie with a no nonsense definitive yes. But then Jane had been the first to leave her home claiming she needed to walk Jo. Through all the reassurances Jane had given her the night before, Maura couldn't help but catch the light pause between words, the tense movements, the constant fidgeting of Jane's hands, and the over-the-top smiles. The most telling, the one thing that hit Maura hardest was the lack of eye contact.
Eye contact was everything with Jane. Jane's dark eyes often told stories her mouth refused to tell. Maura could tell if Jane was being sarcastic or hurt or funny most of the time just by her eyes. It was why Jane was so easy to read. Maura knew even if she was capable of lying if Jane looked at her with that deep, penetrating stare only the truth and nothing but the truth would spill from her mouth. But the night before at dinner, it was like Jane had flipped a switch from Normal Jane to Everything Is Fine Jane, which in most cases meant things were far from fine. She had gotten used to thinking of Jane in these layers after watching Shrek together.
It was only a few weeks into their friendship when Jane had insisted she follow her to her apartment so they could watch a movie together. It was a Friday night. Jane said she had been dying to watch this movie, that they could have a girl's night. Maura could remember laughing at the detective's word choice. Even in her short time knowing the woman she knew Jane wasn't the type to have 'girl's nights,' she was more likely to have drinks at the bar with the guys instead.
Jane had intrigued her. She kind of wanted to be like the raven haired woman. She envied the way Jane could command a room or more specifically a crime scene and the way she demanded respect, not only for herself but for others as well. Others like her. Jane had stood up for her. Jane was the reason people stopped calling her Queen of the Dead.
Jane was an unstoppable person. She had once heard Korsak relate her to a bulldog with the way she sinks her teeth into whatever she wanted and didn't let go. She was stubborn and she did not heed Maura's need for boundaries. Jane always made sure to ask Maura out for drinks when the detectives went out together. Maura had always denied her politely every time. But the offer of the movie with just her and Jane was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Maura had agreed.
At first Maura was sitting on Jane's couch with her blazer and heels on with perfect poise and grace. She was cutting her slice of pizza with a knife and fork drinking a glass of water. Jane popped the movie into the DVD player not commenting on Maura's choice of eating pizza. She knew the doctor enough to know she was a little strange but that was okay. Jane pressed play.
As the movie wore on Maura found herself getting more and more comfortable on Jane's couch. She shed her heels and blazer bringing her legs underneath her. When the movie got to the onion monologue Maura couldn't help but look at Jane, really look at her. She was wearing sweats and a baggy t-shirt with her hair tossed up into a messy ponytail. On anyone else Maura would've thought the look was almost sloppy but on Jane it was different. A lot of things were different when they concerned Jane. Jane had looked more carefree that night than she'd ever seen her. It was the first time Maura heard Jane laugh. In fact, the detective's laughter was infectious and she caught herself on more than one occasion laughing along with her. It was nice seeing this human side of the other woman. This was Jane's way of offering herself up to the doctor. Watching an animated movie was her way of developing their friendship, her way of telling Maura she wasn't just big bad Detective Jane Rizzoli.
By the end of the night Jane had corrupted her. Not so much that she was drinking beer, she did have to drive home after all, but she was eating pizza with her hands and slouching into the back of the couch. Jane had blown into her life like a hurricane but instead of death and destruction in her wake there was a chance at a whole new life with love and friendship and family. From that night on Jane wasn't just a colleague with whom she occasionally ate lunch with. She was a friend whom Maura could rely on.
As the lunches became more frequent and the months passed Maura decided to ask Jane why she tried so hard to befriend her. Even to the day, years later, Maura remembered Jane's exact response. You were lonely. Those were Jane's exact words. Not you looked lonely or you could use a friend or any variation thereof. She had said it with such nonchalance before digging back into her Chinese food.
Maura didn't know why the statement hit her so deep that actual tears welled in her eyes but it did. She had been lonely throughout her whole life. Sure, she had friends and there were boyfriends but she was always on the outside, just a little too odd to really fit in anywhere. No one had taken her by the hand or taken the time to fully include her into their inner circle. No one had ever done anything about her loneliness. No one, but Jane. With those words and a soft, knowing smile Maura was introduced with another layer to the canyon that was Jane's personality, because while an onion may be thick enough for Shrek the Ogre it definitely wasn't thick enough for Jane the Detective.
Maura came out of her reverie looking at Jane again. Jane's shoulders were still tense. She kept tilting her head back and sighing. She didn't think you'd come back. Angela's words once again filtered through her mind. Then a realization hit her like an anvil. Jane had given up on her. Jane, who had the stubbornness of a mule and the heart of a lion had given up on her. Jane, who had never given up on anything in Maura's memory before gave up on her. Jane, her stubborn, hard-headed, tenacious friend had given up on her. Jane gave up on her because she wasn't worth fighting for. It was why Jane had yelled at her a week ago. It was why Jane had been calling her Dr. Isles. It was why they only ever talked about the cases they were working on. It all made such sudden and clear sense. Tears welled up in her eyes. She turned on her heel walking as quickly as her still slightly swollen ankle allowed. She shoved past Korsak getting into the elevator he just vacated.
Korsak looked at the closing elevator doors dumbfounded. "What in the hell?" Things had been crazy around the office for the past four months. He shook his head. This was going to end today, he didn't care if he had to shove the two into a closet and only let them out when they made up, he would. He adjusted his belt before striding with purpose into the bullpen. "Jane!" He barked.
Jane jumped in her seat spilling the coffee in her hands all over her white button up. She was dozing in her chair, almost asleep when he yelled. "What the hell, Korsak?" She stood quickly from her chair as the lukewarm liquid hit her skin.
"What the hell did you do this time?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" She started grabbing tissues from her desk to dab at her shirt.
"I just saw Dr. Isles running to the elevator in tears!" He shouted.
"Oh and you think that's my fault?" Her temper flared.
"Yeah, I do." He said challenging her.
"Well, you'd be wrong because I don't know what the hell her problem is."
"You shot her father, Jane." His voice was softer. It agitated her. It was his kiddie gloves, wounded animals voice. She didn't deserve this.
"I am sick and tired of having to defend my actions that day." She threw her blazer onto her desk letting it land in a crumpled heap on her keyboard. Her words were pointed. "It was a no-win situation. Did it ever occur to you that I am a human being too? That I was hurt by the situation too?" She shook her head at her old partner. "And news flash, Vince! Maura and I made up. So I have no freaking idea why she was crying!" Jane growled stomping past a shocked looking Frost. She didn't bother with the elevator instead going straight for the stairs.
Her blood was boiling. She wanted to hit something. Repeatedly. So hard something broke, be it her hand or whatever she was hitting. Maybe she would take a personal day to kill herself on that stupid hilly trail Maura liked to run. Jane clenched her jaw so hard her teeth hurt. Maura was always in her head. It was something she noticed during the doctor's absence. She was everywhere, influencing all of her decisions even when she wasn't there. It was annoying. She would go to order a burger and then Maura's stupid voice would pop into her head about how she should 'limit her red meat consumption.' She grumbled shoving the door to the ladies' room open.
She had no idea what happened with that woman, anyways. How dare Korsak accuse her of something she didn't even know about? She was just minding her business drinking her coffee and dozing off when he came barging into the room. Why was everything always her fault anyways? Just because lately she had caused the majority Maura's tears, she inwardly cringed at the thought, didn't mean it was always her fault. Besides, Maura doesn't cry at work because crying at work was unprofessional. And there was Maura's voice again.
With a growl Jane kicked the wall of the bathroom but all it did was make her foot hurt. "God dammit!" She slowly exhaled while unbuttoning her shirt. She flipped the faucet on and shoved the garment under the water. The shirt, she knew, was done for. Her little screaming match with Korsak had let the coffee dry. But it was the only shirt she had at work so she had to try something. She was oblivious to the sound of a toilet flushing and the opening of a stall door.
Maura was sitting in the stall when she heard loud stomping enter the bathroom. She immediately knew it was Jane; her thoughts were confirmed at the curse. She walked out of the stall stopping in her tracks at seeing Jane in just her form-fitting undershirt. She could see the other woman's biceps working as her hands fiddled with whatever was in the sink. Jane caught her eye in the mirror. "What happened to your shirt?"
"Why were you crying?" They both spoke at the same time. Maura opened her mouth but was silenced by Jane's scowl. "You're going to answer me first because I'm a detective and if I'm going to get blamed for shit I at least want to know what the hell I did." She turned the sink of and leaned against the porcelain facing Maura. "Lay it on me." She crossed her arms over her chest.
"I was thinking about things and I got a bit emotional."
Jane rolled her eyes. "Way to be vague. You want a merit badge for that?"
"Fine, if you insist on being childish." Maura grumbled narrowing her own eyes. "I was thinking about how you gave up on me."
"What?" The shock was evident in her voice. "Please enlighten me Dr. Isles how was I the one that gave up on you?"
"When I came back from my leave you stopped calling, you stopped coming over, you –"
"There's only so long I can talk to a brick wall! There's only so long I can knock on a door that's never going to open!" Jane was shouting now. She took steps closer to Maura effectively pinning her against the wall with barely a foot of space between them. "I wasn't the one who quit, Maura. You're the one that left. I stayed and dealt with the shit-storm I caused like an adult. You were gone for two months and if I'm not mistaken friendship is a two way street. You could've talked to me, you could've taken that step. So don't even say I gave up on you, because I don't give on people unlike some people I know." Maura flinched at her words. "Besides," Jane took a step back. "We made up. You're the one that said you wanted to put the situation to the side. We're friends again. Why the hell does it matter who gave up on whom?" Jane paused to let Maura answer or insert some form of thought. No answer came. Jane shook her head in defeat. "What do you want from me, Maura? You want me to apologize? Get on my knees and beg? Because I will. Just tell me what you want, and I'll do it."
That was it wasn't it? The big question. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Jane would do whatever she asked. She knew what she wanted. She wanted Jane. She wanted movie nights and dinner and Jo Friday to sleep in the bed she had at her house and family dinners and lunch together. She wanted things to stop being so awkward. She wanted to hear Jane laugh because she hadn't heard that delightful sound for four months. She wanted her best friend back. But how was she supposed to say that out loud? Whatever you want, I can get it. The words held the same promise as they did that day, but not the same hope. Desperation lay in its place. "I want…" Maura's heart was pounding in her chest, her palms were getting sweaty. She was bad at asking for what she wanted. Why didn't Jane understand? Plus she already told Jane she needed her in her life, why wasn't that good enough? "I want…" She repeated.
Both of their phones started ringing before she could find the courage to continue. Jane gave her a second to finish before sliding her phone from the holder on her belt. "Rizzoli." She said into the speaker still locking eyes with Maura.
"Isles" Maura said answering her own.
…
Twenty minutes later Jane was standing over a dead body while Maura looked at the victim. The drive with Frost had significantly cooled her temper but she was still not on speaking terms with Korsak. The teddy bear of a man needed to know that he couldn't just blame her for things that were out of her control. She was also pissed at him because he made her ruin a perfectly good shirt and waste a perfectly good cup of coffee.
In the end, Maura ended up stealing her drenched shirt and her tank top because no matter the situation they found themselves in Maura had a perpetual need to save a fabric in distress and Jane had been forced into wearing one of Frankie's extra BPD t-shirts that was way too big for her wiry frame. With her blazer over the t-shirt she looked like a teenage boy trying to look impressive in high school. She scowled at Korsak once again.
She knelt down next to Maura after shooting Korsak a dirty look. "What do we got, Maura?" She could feel the other detectives and crime scene techs stop what they were doing to stare at her. She couldn't really blame them. It was the first "civil" crime scene they'd been on together in months.
"It appears to be a Caucasian woman in her mid-twenties to early forties. There appears to be massive head trauma along with lacerations to her face."
"Is that the cause of death?"
"You know I don't like to say the cause of death before the autopsy, Detective." Maura said with a slight grin. It was almost normal. Almost easy.
Jane caught herself smiling too. "Thought as much." Maura started directing her team around and Jane stood from her crouch. Once her team was finished collecting statements she and Frost headed back to the precinct.
She was sitting at her desk typing up her initial report when she felt Frost staring at her with a knowing grin. "What do you want?" She was far too tired for his shenanigans.
"I don't know what you're mad at today, but I'm glad you and Dr. Isles are back together." He gave her another look that made it seem like they had some kind of secret between them.
Jane narrowed her eyes at him. "O-kay." She said drawing out the word. Everyone was going crazy today, it must have been Stanley's coffee. Maybe, if she could prove it, she could actually arrest the man for a health code violation. Her phone beeped on her hip. It was a text from Maura. She wanted to meet for lunch down in the morgue. "If I stare at this computer screen any longer I'm gonna go cross eyed. I'm taking a break. If you need anything, I have my cell." She grabbed her blazer trying to ignore Frost's smirk as she walked out of the door.
Maura sat in her office waiting on Jane to come down. After the autopsy while she was waiting on test results to come back she had gone out to Jane's favorite diner to get lunch for the both of them. She was pulling out two bottles of water from her mini fridge when Jane walked into her office. "What's wrong?" Maura asked after seeing the confused look on her friend's face. Jane didn't look confused often.
Jane sat on Maura's couch going over her interaction with her partner in her head. "I think – I think Frost thinks we're in a relationship."
"Well," Maura moved Jane's bag of food towards her. "Friendship is a type of relationship. So he's not wrong." I hope. She left that last part out of the sentence, sure that if she voiced that insecurity Jane would yell at her again and that was not her prerogative.
Jane opened the bag at her stomach's growl. She was surprised to pull out a cheeseburger and fries, from her favorite diner no less. She smiled at Maura. "Yeah, but he means in a romantic way." She opened her bottle of water and unwrapped her burger. She looked up at Maura who was doing the same. "That doesn't bother you?"
"Not at all." Maura replied easily. Jane blinked. "You're a beautiful woman, Jane." Something was definitely wrong with the coffee that morning. Jane took a giant bite out of her burger just so she wouldn't shove her foot in her mouth again. Her head was reeling. Did that mean that Maura wanted a romantic relationship with her? Did it mean that Maura was open to the idea? The bigger question was did she want a romantic relationship with her best friend? She had thought about it like once maybe when she was drunk but it was because she was drunk and horny and Maura was there. They didn't do anything. Maura just dropped her off at her apartment and then boom! Jane wanted to kiss her. For no reason at all. But she was drunk that night and that was why. Why was she even thinking about this? She didn't even drink Stanley's nasty coffee and here she was getting sucked into the crazy. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable." Maura took a bite of her turkey sandwich.
Jane swallowed her food and took a gulp of water. "No, it – it actually doesn't." Maura was the only person in the world that made her stutter. "You're uh – um yeah too." Her face flushed at Maura's bright smile. She was going to look back on this day and blame it all on Frankie's shirt. Because she was a grown woman who knew how to use words not a teenage boy talking to his first crush. She wasn't even crushing on Maura! "I'm sorry for this morning." She blurted. She wanted the conversation to go anywhere than where it was headed. She was so not ready to have that conversation.
"You don't have to apologize, Jane." The smile fell from Maura's face. "I caught you off guard and you were already upset. The public restroom really isn't the place to have such discussions."
Jane chewed on her bottom lip trying to find the words. "I – I didn't give up on you." She finally decided on saying. "I was just tired. I was taking a break, recharging. I could never give up on you." She said the last sentence quietly before taking another bite of her burger. It was true. Her intention – as bad as it seemed – was never to give up on Maura. She was just tired. Her arm was sore and her knuckles were bleeding from knocking on the metaphorical door to Maura's heart. When Maura showed up at her house a week ago and she snapped she was still tired. She was tired during Sunday dinner. Only now as they regained some semblance of normalcy was the tiredness easing away from her bones. Maura had flipped her whole world upside down when they met. She was used to living in the upside down world but when Maura left everything got all jumbled right side up again. And now she couldn't tell what was up or down, left or right. Everything was just a mess. She took a sip of water.
"Talk to me, Jane." Maura placed a hand on Jane's knee. She had seen the flurry of emotions cross Jane's face in the short amount of time. She should have given Jane more faith than she had.
"I just," Jane sighed, locking eyes with Maura. "I feel like I have this internal compass. It's either telling me to be really pissed off all the time at everything or that I should be on my knees begging you for forgiveness. There are no other options anymore." Before Maura could respond Jane's phone went off. She looked at the screen then back to Maura. "I gotta go. The victim's family is here." She stood from the couch adjusting her pants as she did. "Thanks for lunch. I'll talk to you later."
…
Hours later Jane huffed, throwing her pen onto her desk. She had done as much of her "gumshoe" thing as she could for the day. Everyone else had gone home. She had a list of names and places she and Frost needed to track down for tomorrow. She rubbed her palms over tired eyes and leaned back into her chair. Her phone beeped on her desk. "Now what?" She groaned. She read the text with a sigh. Maura wanted her down in the lab if she was still in the building.
She stood up walking to the elevator. Jane had to give the other woman credit. She was the one who had initiated almost all of their interactions throughout the day. She guessed Maura actually did want her in her life and Jane would probably spend the rest of her life proving to the doctor that she wanted to be in it too.
When she got down to the lab she noticed Maura standing outside the doors in full workout gear. Before she could protest the doctor grabbed her arm dragging her down the hall. She didn't stop dragging Jane until they were standing in front of the boxing equipment at the gym. "Maura." Jane sighed. That tired feeling was coming back again.
"Jane, you don't like to talk about your feelings." She held her hand up at Jane's open mouth. "We both know it's true. You bottle it up. You're going to give yourself an ulcer." Maura knelt down picking out a pair of boxing gloves from the duffle bag at her feet. She put the right one on Jane's hand before the detective even knew what happened. "While I don't like to guess or assume, based on our brief talk Tuesday I have suspicions that you're having issues with more than just what happened four months ago." Then Maura picked up the boxing pad. "Until you're ready to talk about what's bothering you, you need to release some of that negative energy in a healthy manner. Only use your right hand because you did dislocate your left shoulder only ten days ago and I don't want you reinjuring those muscles." She nudged Jane with the pad. "Show me what you got."
Jane sighed. "I'm not going to hit you Maura."
"You're not hitting me, you're hitting the pad."
"Yeah and I'll knock you on your ass and you'll get hurt." Jane raised her eyebrows as Maura nudged her again.
"Just because I'm feminine doesn't mean I'm weak." Maura argued.
"I didn't say that." Jane replied narrowing her eyes.
"I can take a hit." She nudged the detective once again.
"Really, Maura, you're going to have to stop doing that." Jane took a steadying breath willing patience to overcome her annoyance. "Can't we just go for a run or something tomorrow?"
"We will." Maura answered with a grin.
"Shouldn't you be prescribing sex or something to help me 'release the tension?'" Jane asked.
"Well last time you had sex it started an avalanche of betrayal and an unfortunate series of events. So I didn't think that –" Out of nowhere Jane's right fist smashed into the pad Maura was holding catching the doctor slightly off guard. Maura shook out her wrist, she was not expecting Jane's right hand to be that strong. Jane looked at her gloved hand in wide eyed shock. "Wow, did I hit a nerve there, Detective?"
Jane bit her lip looking at Maura. She took the glove off her hand. "If you want me to box out my feelings, then I'm not going to do it with you holding that thing." She said to Maura's confused face. She threw her blazer onto one of the nearby machines. "I don't care if you can take a hit or not, Rocky Balboa, because you're still all banged up from the bike thing. And I saw you wince just then." She untucked Frankie's god awful t-shirt from her slacks and kicked off her boots. She would box one handed but she was not going to box in heeled boots. "So hold the punching bag, so it doesn't hit me in the face, alright?" Maura grinned nodding her head. Jane put the glove back on her hand. Maybe Maura was on to something. Maybe after this one armed boxing match she wouldn't feel like punching small animals in the face – or big hairy men either. "As far as Special Agent Dean is concerned, we're not going to speak of him. Ever." She looked at Maura seriously. "Ready?"
A/N: Well, that was fun to write. I know it seems like I'm going all over the place but from personal experience that's kind of how rebuilding friendships goes. Especially if you don't like to talk about things.
Question: Are my chapters too long? Would you find it easier to read if I split them in half or something? Or is there something I could do if you find them too hard to read? Like should I make the paragraph breaks shorter?
Thanks for reading!