Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital. I again borrowed a few lines of dialogue from the actual writers.
A/N: Did everyone see it, Dillon insisting upon going inside? That warmed my heart. In fact that was probably one of my favourite parts of Friday's episode. It just makes me so excited for when he sees her again, after this is all over.
To Choose Life
Chapter 13
My mother and father made their way inside. M mother told us that she wanted one last Christmas with us before she went. We asked if she wanted to rest first, but she told us there wasn't time for rest. So my brothers and father took off to prepare while I ran upstairs to change.
I came back down and sat beside my mother. She was looking at Christmas decorations. She explained the significance of each one. I started to cry again and my mother asked me what was wrong. "I just don't want you to leave."
"I don't think that is it. Honey, you've been holding something back for days."
"I want you to enjoy your last few days. You don't need to hear the sordid details of my life," I said, as I stood up and put a distance between us.
"I can't enjoy my time, if you're not happy. Please tell me what is bothering you," she said, following me to where I now stood.
"You can't help me."
"How do you know that?"
"Because what I did, can't be taken back." I hesitated before continuing. "You want to know what really happened in the summer between Dillon and I?"
"Only if you want to tell me."
"We were never technically in a relationship…" I started. My mother looked at me and cocked her head to the side. She didn't say anything however, she just listened.
"Dillon and Georgie were in a relationship. The town was ravaged by an epidemic back in February. Dillon almost died. Georgie was there for him. Afterwards, they got married. I guess the illness made them value their lives or something. They ended up having a lot of problems in their marriage and discussed getting it annulled. Georgie lied to Dillon and things began to really fall apart. During this time, I had befriended Diego Alcazar. He was set on Georgie and I had fallen in love with Dillon. So we came up with a plan to use their crumbling relationship to our advantage. One night I lied and told Dillon that I saw Georgie having sex with Diego…" I turned my gaze from my mother in shame. "He believed me and broke up with Georgie. I got Dillon, just like I had planned. He found out about my lie and confronted me. Afterwards he went back to Georgie."
"Oh Lulu," my mother said gently.
"Dillon hated me for it, not that I can blame him. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later."
"Well you can't go back but, at least the truth came out. People make mistakes."
"You don't hate me?"
"How can you say that? I would never hate you. You are my little girl. So you made a mistake; we all make them. We've all done things we regret. No one is perfect," she said, as she wrapped her arms around me.
"I came so close to having that abortion. I went to the appointment, but I couldn't go through with it."
"Why?"
"I didn't want my child's blood on my hands," I confessed, as we both sat back down on the couch.
"Oh sweetheart, do you want this baby now?"
"I don't know. Sometimes I think I might love it and other times I expect to absolutely resent this child. How am I going to deal with it always being a constant reminder of my lies to Dillon? Everyday it will be reinforced that Dillon broke my heart."
"You're going through so much. I wish I could make it easier for you."
"No one can. I got myself into this mess and I have to pay for it."
My mother ran her hand up and down my back. "You've had to deal with so much. I am so sorry, but there is always adoption."
"When I considered the abortion the Quartermaines threatened an injunction to make me keep the baby. They kept trying to get me to sign over custody of the child to Dillon. If it hadn't have been for Dad, they would have gotten away with it."
My mother frowned. "They can be a rather pushy group, especially without Lila."
"They would never let me give this child up. The second it was born, if I tried to give it away I would lose all my parental rights and Dillon would use his to get custody and then the baby would be raised by the Quartermaines. I don't want that."
"Your family will still be here to help you. I know your Aunt Bobbie won't leave you alone with this child if you don't want to be. Nikolas has told me he wants to help you in any way he can. Your grandmother said the same thing. Lucky isn't going to abandon you and your father said that you've been staying with Carly sometimes too. Honey these people are your family and they love you, just like I do. I'm not the only one who can help you."
"You're the one that I want," I cried.
"I know, but I can't stop this from happening to me. All I can do is to try and help you now as best I can."
I nodded. "Dillon keeps romanticizing this idea that everything is going to be so easy. I don't think he knows the first thing about babies."
"Let me let you in on a little secret. Most people don't. Nikolas probably didn't have much experience when Spencer was born. He was a single father. Elizabeth didn't have much experience before Cameron was born. You learn as you go, you use common sense, you read books and you ask other parent's for advice. Parenting is not innate, it's learned. You make mistakes as you go and you try to do the things you think are right and avoid the things you don't."
"Dillon just wants to hand the kid off to a nanny."
"And you don't?"
"I don't know. I don't know what I want, but I don't my child to feel like their parents didn't want them so they pawned them off on hired help; stop by every once and a while to ease their conscience and then take off again. I want my child to feel wanted. I know adopted parents could provide that. The Quartermaines can't. They treat children as pawns and nothing more."
"What about allowing Nikolas' nanny to help raise your child? That way you could still play an active role and Nikolas would always be around. You don't have to sign your rights away."
"I don't want to be an obligation to Nikolas."
"You're not an obligation. He has already told me he wants to help you. This would keep the Quartermaines from taking custody."
"First of all, no matter what I do, Edward is going to pitch a fit. I just don't know what I want."
"Well, you still have more than 4 months to think about it."
Before we could continue our conversation Lucky, Elizabeth and Cameron arrived. Dad followed soon after with a Christmas tree and only moments later, so did Nikolas, Emily and Spencer. "I called your mother, she's on her way," my father said, as he kissed my mother.
"Thank you."
Nikolas, Lucky and my father set up the tree, while Elizabeth and Emily privately discussed something. "What do you think?" my father asked my mother.
She remained silent, looking off into space; exactly like she had for the last four years. "Laura," my father said loudly. We all watched her as she came back to us.
"Why is there a tree here?"
I felt my stomach roll with nausea and my heart skipped a beat.
"We know how much you like Christmas, so we thought we should celebrate one more time," Nikolas explained elusively.
"I asked for this, didn't I? I did," she said, suddenly remembering. "I want the angel. Where's the angel?"
"I have it," I said, as I handed it to her.
She took it. "Luke can you put this up?"
"Hey Little Guy," my father said to Cameron. "Want to put the angel on the tree?"
Cameron nodded and bounded over. My father lifted him so that he could place it on top. "It's beautiful," my mother said. "Thank you Cameron. Thank you all for being here."
Grandma Lesley and Aunt Bobbie arrived and we all sat together and made the memories my mother desired.
Soon after, my mother displayed more signs of memory lapses. We all knew she wouldn't last much longer.
Cameron and Spencer were placed in her lap. She explained to Cameron who she was. He listened carefully. Then she asked if he wouldn't mind if she read him and Spencer a story. Cameron nodded and Elizabeth handed my mother a book.
After the story, she whispered goodbye to Cameron. He kissed her on the cheek and then Lucky lifted him so he and Elizabeth could take him up to a guest room so that he could sleep.
"Well Spencer," my mother said gently. "I guess this is goodbye, little guy."
I felt my baby move inside of me. It made me feel sick. Emotion washed over me. I ran outside and leaned over the porch. Tears poured down my face and I gagged in fear of throwing up. "Lulu," Emily called softly. She shut the door and came to my side.
"I can't do this. I can't raise my child without my mother."
"I know this is hard for you. I am so sorry."
"I need my mother Emily. I can't do this on my own."
"Lulu, you aren't alone. I know Nikolas wants to be here for you."
"I can't be his obligation."
"You're not. Nikolas once told me about the first time he met you. He had just given you bone marrow and he came to see you in the hospital. You were just a little baby in a crib, so innocent and vulnerable. In that moment, he swore he would never let anything happen to you. You were his world, Lulu. I know he still feels that way. He wants you to live the best life you can. He will do anything to help you get that life. You will never be his obligation."
I dropped onto one of the chairs. "My child is going to hate me. It's going to hate Dillon. We aren't ready to be parents and I know we're not going to be able to provide the love this child deserves."
"When my birth mother died, I thought I would never feel love again. The Quartermaines, took me in, they provided me a home, but most importantly, they provided me with love. They're not perfect, but they will not make this child feel unwanted. Your child will feel love. I can promise you that."
"Until when? The next Quartermaine heir? This child will matter until a better one comes along. Wait until Jason has children. My child will be left in the background. Always stifled and shipped off with the nanny. I don't want that."
"Your child doesn't have to live like that. You and Dillon just need to decide how you want your child to grow up and then make it happen."
"I don't know how. I thought my mother would be able to help me, but now she won't. I just don't even know where to begin. I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out."
"I remember feeling that way. Losing my birth mother made me feel like life wasn't worth living. Grief has a way of taking hold of you. You feel submerged below water, suffocating. Eventually you come through it and you find something to provide meaning in your life. The Quartermaines did that for me and so did Nikolas. You know who else? Your brother Lucky. His friendship was so important to me when I was growing up. He reminded me what it felt like to live. Elizabeth was also there for me. They all helped me get through my own pain and find a reason to take my next breath."
"Who do I have to live for?"
"Me. Nikolas, Spencer, Lucky, Elizabeth, Cameron, Carly, Bobbie, Lesley, your father and this little one right here," she said, as her hand made contact with my abdomen. "You are a part of this family. I do care about you. You were my sister in law once and you are carrying my cousin's child. I want to see you find happiness. I want to see you find that meaning. We all do. Your mother may be gone, but we will all still be here."
"My family forgot I existed for half my life. I have grown up knowing what it feels like to be unwanted. My family doesn't care. They will forget about me, very soon. Then what?"
"That's not true. You matter. You're afraid to let them in because you fear being hurt again. They're not going anywhere."
"I just wish I didn't now have this child relying on me."
"What do you want to do with this child? If you could do anything at all, what would it be? Forget the Quartermaines exist and tell me what you want."
I thought about her question for a minute. I blocked out everything I felt for Dillon. I blocked out everything the Quartermaines have ever said. I thought only of this innocent baby. "I want to provide my child with the most loving home possible. If that's not with me, then so be it."
"Well where do you think that would be? What about Nikolas? You don't have to give him custody, but I know he would take your child in."
"Have you met your grandfather?"
"I'm not saying you should have Nikolas adopt your child. He will help raise this baby though. I know he will love this child."
"I can't ask that of him."
"Why not?" Nikolas said, from the doorway. He shut the door and came outside.
"I don't want you to be forced to raise my child."
"I wouldn't be forced. I'd be happy to raise my niece or nephew."
"I don't know what I'm doing yet. Maybe I'll end up loving my child."
"I like to believe that you will," Emily offered.
"I put Spencer to bed. Mom wants you to come back inside."
I stood up and followed Nikolas and Emily inside. My mother was sitting back on the couch. Lucky was sitting beside her. She was laughing at whatever he was telling her. It was so hard to be there and pretend to be happy, while inside I felt like I was dying.
My mother's lapses were happening more and more often. Finally she requested a doctor to come and visit her. She wanted to know how much time she had left.
Patrick Drake came and took my mother upstairs to check her out. When Patrick and my mother returned, Elizabeth and Emily opted to check on the kids upstairs to give us a moment. Patrick gave us her diagnosis and then left. My mother told us that she believed it was time to go back to Shadybrook. She told us that her time was just slipping away too quickly. This however, hit me like a thousand knives. Pain spread through my body and I feared I was going to hurt the baby. For some reason, my instant reaction was anger. My mother tried to comfort me but I didn't want to hear it, I needed her to be okay. I asked her why we weren't worth fighting for, which finally led my father to yell at me to stop.
My mother told me I had a right to be angry and Lucky begged her to stay one more night. She told us it was happening too fast and it was time she returned to the hospital where she would return to her rocking chair and I would return to life without my mother. She told us the only courageous thing she could do was face what was happening to her with dignity by being able to sign herself in. My stomach rolled with nausea and I feared any moment I was going to start cramping and lose my baby too.
My father took my mother while Nikolas, Lucky and I went together. Not before Lucky wrapped his arms around me. "I know this hurts Lulu, but we're going to get through it."
"What if I lose the baby?"
"You're going to be okay," Nikolas offered. "Don't worry about the baby right now. Just worry about you."
"I need Mom. I need her."
"I know, but we can't keep her here. There isn't anything we can do," Lucky said softly.
Nikolas wrapped me in an embrace too and the three of us just held one another for a moment, attempting to gather strength for the hardest thing we were about to face.
Before we left, Nikolas ran upstairs and warned Emily and Elizabeth that we had to leave.
We arrived at Shadybrook and my father brought her back long enough for us all to say goodbye. My mother asked for Nikolas first, then Lucky and then me.
As I entered the room, the familiar scent further upset my stomach. "Mom," I whispered, as I approached her.
She shook her head. "I'm not slipping. I'm not. I'm okay," she tried to assure me.
"I'm scared. I don't want to lose you," I cried.
"I know honey. It's going to be all right," she whispered softly. Her voice wrapped around me like a comforting embrace.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was so wrong."
"That's okay. I'm sure that everybody tells you that you look like me. Although I'm sure I was never as beautiful."
"You are still the most beautiful woman in the world, Mom."
She smiled. "When I look at you, I see your father, smart, feisty, resourceful, rebellious, ready to take risks but Lulu, you are always protecting your heart."
"It's gotten me into a lot of messes," I said, absently placing my hand against my abdomen.
"I'm glad you know that about yourself."
"There have been so many times that I need to talk to you, where if I could just get your advice, I know that everything would be okay."
"You got shortchanged Lulu. I'm sorry, but you are a survivor. You are. So believe in yourself and Lulu, this is important, when the time comes for you to fall in love, don't be afraid. You go for it."
"I'll try," I cried, my mind instantly flashing to Dillon holding me in his arms as we danced at my mother's wedding. I feared I would never get over him.
She smiled again. "This baby is going to change you…" she started. "You are about to find out what love really means. I wish I could be there, but you will see what it means to love with every bit of your heart. When you find that, when you see your child for the first time, I want you to know that is how I feel about you and always will."
She looked slightly distant for a moment. I carefully called her back. She looked at me again and slowly told me that she was trying to decide something. I asked her what and gently she told me that she believed that she was innocent. I promised her that I would prove her innocence and finally I felt like I had some sort of purpose, like I could provide my mother with something in her life.
She smiled one last time and then whispered that she loved me. I tenderly stood up and made my way the door, watching my mother one last time before she would slip back inside herself.
Lucky was already gone. Nikolas explained that he needed some time. He offered to take me anywhere, but the only place I wanted to go was back to my grandmothers so I could relive the last few moments I had spent with my mother.
XXXXX
I stared at the Christmas tree, my eyes affixed upon the angel at the top. The angel, the nick name my father gave my mother. For she was his angel, she was an angel to all of us. In the last few weeks she made an attempt to help us fix our lives and become better people. She had done everything she could to bring us a little bit of joy, even if it didn't last.
A knock on the door, pulled me from my thoughts. I stood up slowly and took one last glance at the glistening angel before turning to answer the door.
"Dillon, what's up? Come in." He squeezed past me and came inside. Then he turned to look at me.
"I… um… Nikolas told us… uh… about your Mom. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry."
"Well my Mom was very brave. I totally lost it, of course and I flipped out and had some tantrum like a five year old. God forbid I make things any easier for anyone."
"Lulu, I think you get to be upset about the fact that your Mom is fading and there isn't anything you can do about it."
My gaze met his and without warning I collapsed into a heap of sobs. Dillon caught me and pulled me against him. He lifted me and carried me to the sofa, where I sobbed uncontrollably against his chest. "It hurts Dillon."
"I know Lulu. I know it does."
"I wanted my mom to meet our baby."
"I know." I snuggled into him, looking for the comfort that only he could provide. Dillon started rocking us back and forth.
It felt as though hours had passed before I finally stopped crying. Dillon wiped the moisture from my face. "I'll take you to bed," he whispered. He lifted me and carried me upstairs to my old bedroom. The one I thought was mine again, in the home where my mother would be with me.
Dillon set me down gently onto the mattress. "Dillon," I whimpered.
"Yes," he said gently.
"Please don't leave me."
"I won't," he said. I felt the mattress move under his weight. He pulled me against him and wrapped his arm around my expanding stomach to hold the baby. This was probably the only time we'd ever sleep together as a family.