Guess who only wrote two requests on the bus~ ! Haha…I'd just look at the list and BOOM! All my inspiration would disappear.

Whatever. Here's a request for DancesWithCranes, which I may have muddled just a tiny bit…

Title: Just Your Average Coffee Shop Badfic

Pairings: Just USUK. Oh, and Satan with a vampire princess…

Rating: K+, maybe T..

Genre(s): Romance, Humor, Friendship, RIDICULOUSNESS

Dedications: foreversnowynights, tintenstern, one Anon, Alphine, 123456789e, Little Patch of Heaven, SnowGirl999, ButterflyFlutterCry, TheNinjaWangsta, and Lovely Hikari, as well as anyone who alerted or fav'd~

Inspiration: The high amount of clichés, especially on that little website known as Quizilla. And the request for a cliché coffee shop scene, though I definitely took that the wrong way…

Warnings: Contains ridiculous amounts of clichés, and on purpose, too. Also, the bashing of a certain Canadian (MATTHEW, WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE?) who has his own DOCUMENTARY, of all things, out in theatres. Oh, and OOC, but also on purpose.

Summary: Oh no! Even though he's a boy, Alfred has been accepted into an all-girls' school. Luckily he's got his favorite waiter at his favorite coffee shop to help him, but what about that random arranged marriage he JUST learned about?

Disclaimer: I don't own Skankin' Fool by The Uptones, I don't own Satan, and I don't own Hetalia. There ya go.

Enjoy~

One morning, a certain Alfred F. Jones woke up and went to school. But not just any school.

An all-girls' school.

Why he would be going there is a mystery to us all, but like all random all-girls' boarding schools situated somewhere in either Canada or Texas (believe it or not, New York doesn't have enough room for all of them) there was a campus that stretched over several miles, and very little of it was dedicated to the actual school. (Why would it be when the whole point of high school is just to sit around and talk about random things no one would ever hope to care about? Preparing for the future was so middle school.)

On this campus, there was only one place where Alfred could ever feel safe from his rabid fangirls (one of them was Justin Bieber) and this place was the school's Starbucks. (Why he would ever feel safe there was another mystery, because everyone was allowed to go there, but for some reason, no one followed him there. No, that would ruin the story, my sweet milkdrops!)

Today was a day when Alfred needed his coffee shop more than he usually did. You see, the night before, he'd found out that he was engaged to a vampire prince, who was also Satan's son, and also a mobster, and his twin Matthew's best friend, and his apparent step-brother.

So Alfred went to drown his sorrows in coffee (and maybe a little vodka if he bribed the barista—except Alfred was supposed to be the sweet, innocent hero…it was in the completely useless character description put before the actual story. So how did that work?)

I'm sure you're wondering why Alfred had chosen this abnormally large Starbucks as his happy place. (I am too—don't worry. I mean, why not his overly gigantic bedroom? [All boarding schools have bedrooms that are probably worth the same amount of money as a penthouse suite at a very nice hotel—didn't you know?] Well, whatever.) Anyway, the apparent reason for the location of his happy place was its single waiter, a boy named Arthur Kirkland.

Arthur and Alfred were the same age, though for some reason Arthur didn't attend school at the all-girls' boarding school, just sat at the coffee shop all day and played cards with the Belgian barista.

You see, Arthur was, as some say, "too cool for school", or some other nonsense. He was a smolderingly sexy bad boy who had stolen our hero's innocent little blood-pumper. Or something along those lines.

But you may also see, Arthur had a secret. He was actually a vampire prince, and Satan's son, and a mobster, and the best friend of a certain Matthew Williams (though they hadn't actually seen each other in years), and the apparent step-brother of a Mr. Alfred F. Jones. (Squeal, I dare you.) And obviously, he was lusting after (because [angst warning LOL srsly] he was apparently far too evil to ever experience love as his father, Satan, had told him) that same Alfred F. Jones.

Yes, the story of this waiter/all those other things was tragic…good thing he was too preoccupied with being a waiter at a Starbucks in an all-girls' (and one boy) school to notice.

Or was he?

…

Meh, who cares.

Anyway, back to the story. Alfred's depressed because of his impending doom, a.k.a. the marriage to a complete stranger who is a lot of things that shouldn't exist.

He has now entered the coffee shop, attracting the attention of the vampire-devil-boy-man-thing that he didn't know he was going to apparently marry.

Said…thing noticed the glum air around the object of his affections. (At this part, I almost used horrible grammar in the dialogue, but almost started crying from the pain so didn't.) "Alfred, what's wrong?"

"I found something out that made me sad…" replied Alfred. (Well, no shit.) He sat down at his favorite table. "My parents told me that I'm, like, engaged or something."

Arthur was still across the room, so Alfred had to shout at him, meaning that everyone in the coffee shop could hear. Or, at least, they should have, but by the lack of any reaction whatsoever like is normal in the average human being, it appeared they did not.

"No way," breathed Arthur. "Me too! Weeeeeeeeird." He sat down next to Alfred (though it was mysterious as to how he got there so fast) and smirked sexily for no apparent reason, making Alfred blush.

"Haha, wouldn't it be funny if we got married to each other?" said Alfred awkwardly as a way to attempt to break the tension.

Arthur laughed. "Yeah!"

"But I bet you've got it easy! I have to marry some vampire-evil-mobster person who's like, my step-brother or something. I don't get it! MY PARENTS HAVEN'T EVER BEEN MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE. I'M SO CONFUSED."

Arthur laughed evilly to himself until he realized he himself was a vampire-devil-mobster person wit ha step-brother, one that he'd never actually met. Hmm…

What a truly interesting development.

AN: And, there you go. My mockery of bad-fic.

Who liked it? Who didn't like it? Who thought it was a decent mockery of badfic? Oh, whatever.

Also, to anyone who's wondering about the conclusion to Costermonger, it's…coming. Slowly, but coming. Like (the rest of this line has been omitted due to high perverted content, and something about five meters).

Oh, Gilbert…

Anyway. *blush* Thank you for reading!