A/N: Slight revisions made in January 2012.
A month later, I'm preparing for mid-terms, studying until my eyes feel cross and I can barely see straight.
"Hey," Meredith says, knocking at my door. "We're going to go down and study for a bit. You wanna come?"
"Sure," I say. "It's what I've been planning to do all day today."
"Great," she says. "We'll probably have cake for Anna later."
"I thought her birthday was next week?"
"I'm sure she won't get upset you forgot," she says. "I mean, you barely remember your own birthday."
Which is true, but not for the reasons Meredith thinks. Shite. We end up planning properly for Anna's birthday festivities after eating a ridiculous amount of Girl Scout biscuits and, of course, doing more studying.
"Let's not sit here all evening," Josh says. "Let's go out."
"But I like staying in," Anna says.
"Let's get Anna drunk!" Rash suggests.
Anna starts to squirm a bit uncomfortably. I know she'd rather just go to the cinema than a pub. But we've all been under a lot of stress lately. We could use a holiday from that.
"Not drunk," I chime in. "Just…happy."
"Happy birthday drunk," Josh says, smiling back at Rash.
"Happy," I insist. "Come on, Anna. I know the perfect place to celebrate."
She reluctantly agrees, but I'm confident she won't feel that way for long. We head out to my favorite place – the English ex-pat spot where Josh and I memorably, or not so memorably, got pissed on Halloween.
"I can't believe this is where you were thinking," Josh says to me. "I'm surprised you haven't started puking just at the sight of it."
"Oh, piss off," I say. "We won't get pissed this time. Just..."
"Speak for yourselves," Rash says, approaching us with a couple shots in her hand. "I already bought Anna her second drink."
"Let's not get too carried away, all right?" I say. "Anna's clearly never drunk before."
"Yes, father," Rash says sarcastically, downing her shot. "We'll make sure your precious Anna doesn't get wasted tonight."
"Come on," I say. "Stop acting like that."
"You're always trying to protect her," she says. "Am I the only one who sees what's really going on here?"
She looks to Josh to back her up. He silently nods, caught between his girlfriend and his best mate. I bite at my thumbnail, calming myself down. There's no need to escalate this conversation.
"Come on, Josh," she says, giving me a dirty look. "Let's dance."
Josh follows, turning back to me with a classic 'what was I supposed to do?' look. I can't blame him, though. I've been there before.
Meredith finds me and walks over to join up. It's been forever since we've had a conversation on our own.
"How have you been holding up?" she shouts. The evening band is warming up, their sound check clashing with the music system.
"I'm fine," I shrug. "Thank you for asking."
I order lager for both of us and we turn to watch the band.
"I was really worried about you," Meredith continues. "I'm glad to see you're back to yourself again."
"Almost," I say. "Mum's still not in the clear yet. We won't find out if she's cancer-free until next month."
"Well," she says. "I hope she is. It sounds like she's been doing well, all things considered."
Sigh. I really don't feel like talking about this right now. One pint, two pints, three pints, four. I scan the crowd, searching for one of the others to save me.
And that's when she lurches toward me, her face nearly touching my own.
"Dance with me," Anna commands.
She's pissed. Really pissed. But who I am to turn down the birthday girl?
"All right," I say, handing my glass to Meredith. "Let's dance."
I follow Anna and watch as her long legs shimmer in the stage lights, her short skirt accentuating her every curve. I can't stop looking, can't stop picturing her in ways I definitely know I shouldn't.
Anna finds a spot for us on the packed dance floor. The band, now fully warmed up, launches into a Vampire Weekend cover, whipping the crowd into a frenzy.
"Hey, hey, hey!," Anna sings, shouting at the top of her lungs. "Hey, hey, hey!"
She dances without a care in the world. She's wickedly gorgeous. She pulls me closer for the next song, a cover of Yelle's "Que veux-tu."
My heart races. My eyes close. My mind starts to lose control.
She has no idea what she's doing to me right now.
"You're a great dancer," she shouts, moving her mouth toward my ear. "But can you move like this?"
She turns herself around and wraps her arms around my neck. I hold her tighter, tighter, as she pushes against me. My head instinctively turns down. My lips graze against her bare shoulder as I glance down her shirt.
Christ.
The world dissolves around us, so much so that I am startled when the band ends its set.
"You're a decent dancer yourself, birthday girl," I whisper in her ear. She practically falls in response, dragging me with her.
"Best anniversaire ever!" she shouts, mixing her languages like pissed Americans are wont to do in Paris. "Why didn't I drink before, Étienne?"
"Because you like following rules," I say.
"Rules, schmules," she says, swaying a bit. "I am eighteen now. I am an adulte. Vive la France!"
She grasps at the bar, trying to steady herself, as a familiar voice shouts profanities in the background.
"Va te faire enculer!"
"Pardon?" I say, turning around to see…Caroline. Ellie's roommate. Great.
"I can't believe this," she says in French. "You're such a prick!"
"My friend and I were just dancing," I say, nodding at Anna. "It's her birthday."
"You looked like you were fucking," she says. "Ellie was thrilled to learn all about it."
"You didn't," I say, fairly certain Anna can't understand the conversation.
"Oh, but I did," she says. "And she is furious. You two are done."
She huffs and turns away, disappearing into the crowd.
"Fuck," I say, patting my coat frantically. "Where's my phone?"
"Use mine!" Anna says.
"I can't use yours," I say. "She'll know. She'll fucking know."
"Who will know?" she asks. "What are you even talking about?"
I bolt out the door, trying to find a quiet area where I can call Ellie, but Anna is right behind me.
"Arrrrrggggh!"
"What's going on?"
I tell Anna of Ellie's suspicious and why Caroline wants to bloody murder me. She looks so surprised, so innocent, that I wonder how she couldn't have known any of this.
"It's been falling apart for so long, but I'm just not ready for it."
"Why not, St. Clair? Why aren't you ready for it?"
She starts kicking and screaming at a lamppost and I just want her to stop – but I can't even stop myself anymore.
"Anna. Anna!"
"What's happening here?" Rashmi asks, approaching us. Meredith and Josh stand near her, their faces in shock. Meredith looks on the verge of tears.
"It's all right," I say. "She's just a little drunk."
"I am not drunk."
"You are, and I am, and this is ridiculous," I say. "Let's go home."
She refuses.
"Just tell me one thing," she says, walking toward Rashmi. "Why are you still with her?"
It's the question that has always lingered between us, left unspoken.
"Because I don't want to be alone right now."
"You weren't alone, asshole," she says.
And she's right. I'm not alone. I could be with her. I want to be with her.
But I know it's not that simple. I promised myself I wouldn't hurt Ellie again. What if she goes off to my father, telling him all I've done? What if he takes our allowance away? It won't matter if I'm in love or not – mum and I will be left with nothing.
I wait a few beats, until I know Anna and everyone else is gone, and head toward the metro, back to Dupleix. I laugh bitterly to myself, thinking of all the times I've done this before. Running back to Ellie when everything goes straight to hell.
I knock until Ellie answers her door. She opens it only halfway, her fingers covered in newsprint and ink. We stand awkwardly at its threshold.
"You've got a lot of nerve showing up here," Ellie says. "How could you?"
"We were just dancing," I say. "I swear it."
"Of course," she says sarcastically. "How could I be so presumptuous?"
"We were drunk," I say. "We all dance with whomever's around when we're drunk."
"This is different," Ellie says. "You have feelings for her."
I should tell her she's wrong – but I can't bring myself to do it.
"I thought we were getting better again," she continues, her eyes filling with tears. "I know we haven't slept together this year, but I thought we were rebuilding everything. I can't believe how wrong I was."
"Don't cry," I say as soothingly as possible.
"Easy for you to say," she says. "You're the one who's moving on."
I never thought we'd turn into this. It's strange how life sometimes turns out exactly the way you don't expect it to.
"We are changing," I say. "I don't think anyone can deny that. But I still care about you very much, Ellie. Even if everything's completely fucked up now, I want you to know that."
"I don't know…if it's worth it anymore."
"I'm sorry, Ellie."
"Me too."
She shuts her door and forces me back into the night.