Oh man, The song I used for this chapter is beautiful, and I hope you understand why I chose this song, and you will finally know a few things about her past, things as to why their present is as it is now (:
"Heavy In Your Arms"-Florence & The Machine.
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown
My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
And is it worth the wait,
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. So heavy in your arms
This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart
Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
I'm so heavy
Heavy in your arms
Five Months Ago
"Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief and in a small voice. He looked away from me, turning his back on me, on more than one way today.
"Answer me!" I screamed. The wind rustled my hair, whipping it back and forth, making my heart cold as ice. He didn't turn around, his posture was stiff, and he was facing the sunset. It would have been beautiful, absolutely beautiful, if it didn't mark the end of us.
"Yes," his voice was carried to me through the wind, barely reaching my ears, before it blew away and vanished. "You need to deal with your problems Roza, I can't be there for this... I just-"
"Don't love me enough," my voice held no emotion to it. He turned around, his hair whipping, and his glare on me.
"Don't say that."
I analyzed his words, thoroughly. He was right. My baggage was too much, I held the death of a friend in my own hands, not only his, but another one's too. I swallowed looking away from him. He needed space, after all the other person'd death on my hands was his best friend. I was going to give him space if that's what he wanted.
Scratch that. I would give him his space, but there was turning back. My heart froze at that moment, it turned cold, and I realized he was absolutely right.
Although both of us wealthy, I came from a small place, he was from the big city; two different worlds. Not to mention he was older than me, by 6 years. Looking back to meet his eyes, I spoke from the very bottom of what was left of my heart.
"You need space right?" I asked, he nodded solemnly. I could see all the pain behind his eyes. I nodded.
"I'll give you space alright. But from this moment on, Dimitri Belikov, forget I exist."
His eyes burned with the pain I was causing him, I hid my pain away very well. He flinched away from my words and the cold breeze, throwing one last glance at me, he walked away from me.
I watched him leave, knowing very well we were both at fault here. The moment he disappeared from my sight I fell down on my knees. I cried out for everything I had lost in one month. I cried for Mason, I cried for Ivan... And I cried for Dimitri.
There was an immense emptiness in my chest, a whole in the very same place my heart was... And it was bleeding.
Bleeding out emotions.
And I didn't know when it would stop.
The pain or the bleeding.
He hugged me closer to him, and I knew how wrong this was... But it felt so right. I knew I was hurting, and him being here only made it worse. Especially knowing he was only here as a friend.
Silent tears streamed down my face, the room felt heavy with grief and sorrow, only making it all worse.
He pulled me to his lap and rocked me back and forth, murmuring reassuring words in my ear.
I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud or in my mind.. what had happened to me. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew it was true.
The nightmare from the other night had been real, that had been me, not Tasha. A sob racked my body, bringing new tears to my eyes, my sorrow the only sound in the room.
All this crying was bad for the baby, but I needed to grief. I needed to cry, to let all my emotions lose, I needed to make myself understand...
I'd been drugged and I'd been raped. How, I didn't know. Who, not an idea in my mind. I racked through my brain, but came up empty. I cried harder, feeling so damn weak, letting all of my grief on to the surface. Even the ones from months ago...
No words were said from anyone, no words were needed. Tasha and Lissa had already gone to the police station to report it, but as long as I didn't remember anything, no charges could be made. I also realized when it was I was raped, when it made sense. Prom night...
The night both Mason and Ivan had died. I'd suppressed their deaths to the very bottom of my mind. They had both dropped me off at my house, where I had been drinking, so they stayed with me. All I remember was turning on candles in the bathroom and leaving my hair straightener on. When I woke up, I was at a hospital, not burned, but safe... And now I knew. No one had really questioned why I was found outside my house, in the woods, I said I'd fallen asleep. And that had been that.
How I wish things had gone different... The cops should have investigated more... More questions arose, but my mind was too full.
"...He was released, do you think-?" Tasha whispered next to us.
"Shhh. We'll talk about this later. She might hear us."
I wanted to ask, but I felt so tired. All my life energy had been sucked out of me, all too quick. I felt so disgusted, especially now knowing my baby was...
I sat up from his lap, getting up I ran to the bathroom, a hand over my mouth. Sinking down on the floor next to the toilet, I emptied my contents, which wasn't much. I'd tried hard to eat, but I felt so sad, and empty in the inside. I leaned against the wall, aware of the audience I had. Lissa and Tasha sat down on one side of me, while Dimitri put his arm around me.
I didn't want to be here. Especially in his arms. It was too much of a reminder of the first time.
In his arms I felt secure, but it brought many memories, making the wound open up again, and bleed even more than before.
I felt so heavy...
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms.
Hope things are more clear now, any questions? Review! (: