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Paramour

(Conflict)

The morning light felt like being hit with a truck Sara realised as she woke up to the mess that was her living room; empty beer bottles and popcorn kernels seemed to be littering every surface. Her head was resting on Greg's chest as his arms were wrapped around in attempt to stop her falling off the narrow sofa. The sound of his heart beat rung through her head as his cinnamon-y scent remained close to her. Sara tried to pull herself up to find that her legs were tangled together with Greg's holding her in place. The night before had passed in a daze of beer, cigarettes and pop corn. As thankful she had been for the company a part of her regretted it now.

"Greg..." Sara croaked attempting to wake him up; her eyes focused on his face waiting to see consciousness flicker. "Greg...Wake up..." She mumbled again. The man beneath her finally shifted the morning him in the same way it had done to Sara. He groaned as he opened his eyes, moving his legs allowing Sara room to move while he caressed her back gently. Greg's eyes slowly opened to the light with some resistance.

"We have to get up..." Sara announced pulling herself into a seated position- the change doing nothing for her as she tried to think clearly.

Her phone buzzed on the table the noise hurting their ears as they adjusted to being conscious. Sara picked it up the sight of Grissom's name on the screen finally woke her up. She glanced at Greg who had turned away from her, the soft sound of his breathing suggested that he was already asleep again but by this stage her phone had stopped ringing. With a sigh Sara made her way into the kitchen realising that she needed coffee before she attempted to assess the severity of the situation she had found herself in.

The way that she and Grissom had left things had been a little less than bitter. She had felt hurt that he hadn't discussed going away on sabbatical with her. Didn't couples discuss separation and the ability to influence each other's decisions?

But as always Grissom had been in control of the things they did, he had always been the one to set boundaries and his attempts to sooth things between them had done nothing to improve her mood towards him. In the end he had left her alone for four weeks with something that could barely be described as a good bye.

Even though all of these things were true Sara wondered why she felt guilty for spending time with Greg. All they had done was watch movies, talk or rather shout at the screen. It hit her then it wasn't Greg. It was Rueben that had forced all of this guilt upon her. It was their kiss. She knew the rules and that was cheating whether she'd paid for it or not.

"I hate mornings." Greg announced making his way into the kitchen running his hand through his already messy blonde hair interrupting Sara's thoughts.

"Don't we all?" Sara commented pulling two mugs out of one of the cupboards while Greg perched at the breakfast bar, simply just nodding at the comment.

"So what are your plans for you day off?" Greg asked gratefully taking the coffee Sara was offering him.

"I don't know" Sara shrugged attempting to work out what she would do with her time off without Grissom. Usually they would have spent their day together doing the things that normal couples did; watch movies, make love, stay in bed talking about things that seemed irrelevant to everyone else. If he were here she wouldn't be angry with him- everything would be just fine.

Sara wondered at what stage she started depending on someone else to just be. Had she not survived over twenty years completely alone?

"Fair enough, I'm going to a bowling thing with the guys you're welcome to join us." Greg offered his eyes shining hopefully at her.

"And spend extra, unpaid, time with Hodges?" Sara smiled, raising an eyebrow at him. It was a poor excuse but both of knew that it was not a good idea to push the matter.

"Yeah...It doesn't sound that great does it?" He pouted considering the plans he'd made more critically. "But I promised Archie...and you know me I don't like breaking promises" Greg shrugged. She nodded realising that it was true there was very little that he had abandoned and walked away from- it was one of the reasons she admired him.

"Thank you for asking though." Sara smiled appreciating Greg's efforts to provide her with some company. She leant forwards placing a kiss on his cheek. He nodded with a slightly embarrassed smile finishing the last of the coffee in his mug. It amazed her how one doubt that she had worded had brought Greg to her side when the most obvious heart break she wore as her colours for Grissom resulted him in barely conversing with her.

"I should probably head off now..." He announced pulling himself onto his feet, running his hand through his hair once again doing nothing to tame the mess.

"Bye...Thank you for last night..." Sara beamed wrapping her arm around his neck pulling him in for an embrace.

"Any time... I'm just a phone call away Sara..." He reminded her kissing her on the forehead before leaving.

Her heart seemed to flutter in her chest for a moment as she realised that perhaps she had never been as alone as she had imagined herself to be. After all- Greg was always there- always willing to listen to her, to cheer her up.

How could she complain of being completely alone when she had at least one person like him in her life?

What about love?

As much as she loved Greg she didn't know if she was in love with him. A part of her was fairly certain that she wasn't. Grissom was different- as much as he had been angering her- she felt tethered to him.

Sara picked up her phone standing alone attempting to figure out whether calling Grissom back was a good idea; after all of this time she still felt nervous around him and the last thing she wanted to do was disturb him. But as the screen on her phone lit up in her hand she realised that perhaps she didn't need to make that decision.

"You have one new message..." Sara sighed at the sound of the robotic voice her stomach filling up with butterflies. "Hi Sara, I thought I'd drop you a line see how you were. Busy. I'm guessing. I'm swamped over here at the moment, but I'm most certainly enjoying my time away. I've even met a student that reminds me a little of you when you were younger. She's got the most wonderful..."

She pressed exit not wanting to hear the whole message, her heart pounding in her head as she figured out how she should have been responding to what had just transpired. It had always been obvious to her that she felt more for Grissom that he did for her but his careless choice of words had started to get a bit more than under her skin.

How can you be with someone when they don't understand when they're upsetting you?

She recalled how Grissom had once asked her to clean up meat he'd been using in an experiment and how he had completely misunderstood her anger. The problem had been that he hadn't seen her as an equal.

And the more she thought about his recent behaviour towards her the more obvious it became that he still didn't see her as an equal.

The anger seemed to slowly disappear from her body as she realised that all along she knew what she'd be getting herself into by falling for him. From the moment they had met it had always been obvious that he hadn't understood the conventions of romance. And from those early years in Vegas it was more than obvious he worried about their age gap. In the back of her mind Sara had hoped that it would stop- that things would improve and they'd be able to move forward.

As much as it seemed on the surface that they had renewed themselves to each other and accepted the consequences of love it was obvious that they were very much the same place. And that they were both very much in the same places emotionally as they had been in before.

Perhaps she shouldn't have pushed him?

Perhaps she should have accepted his reasoning for rejecting her earlier on and chosen someone else. Chosen Greg; a man who was there for her at a seconds notice, a man who looked at her as if she were the only woman in the room.

Sara thought bitterly about how happy she could have been if she had made that decision. She could have been wrapped up in the arms of someone who would have never thought to leave her without saying so. She could have gone home every night knowing that he was thinking of her.

But she had been the one to make the decision. She was the one who'd turned all of those things down.

So in the end who else did she have to blame but herself?

Sara stood awkwardly in the kitchen a mug of coffee slowly letting the silence sink in as she attempted to clear her mind of all the negative thoughts that seemed to be flooding her atmosphere. She needed to do something. She needed to take her mind off everything.

And for some reason she could only think of one place to go...