Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming! Also predications for where this is going are most certainly welcome... I'd love to know what you think is going to happen :)

This is not how I planned this chapter to be...it wrote itself.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

Paramour

(Crystallization)

"Sara, wait..." Rueben followed her into the parking lot shouting to get her attention but Sara continued walking keeping her head down. She didn't want to have to face him until she'd had a chance to evaluate what she'd done. For some reason she knew that if she looked into his eyes, saw the honesty, the intensity that seemed to be hidden there she would find herself cracking. Sara noted that she already felt guilty; she wasn't ready to cross any more lines.

"Hey..." He said breathlessly catching up with her so she had no excuse to ignore him anymore. "I thought I'd give you this...it's my book...well not all of it...what I have so far..."

"Thank you..." She couldn't help but smile taking the fraying old note book in her hand; she couldn't deny she had been curious about this writing, having guessed she could find out more about him from the honesty in his fiction.

"You're the first person to read it Sara, you should feel honoured..." He beamed at her, the flecks of gold in his hazel eyes lighting up in a way she couldn't resist.

"I am honoured..." Sara nodded trying not to read too much into the situation. This was a business transaction. It was his job to seduce women like her. It was nothing more. A sentence she would repeatedly run through in her mind after every single one of their encounters.

"I should let you go..." Rueben replied taking a step back from her noticing the way that her body was angled away from him and the stiffness in her posture. They awkwardly said their goodbyes; he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek not perusing any more physical contact than she was comfortable with.

As Sara let her car crawl through the traffic on the way home she realised that she needed to call Grissom. All of those things she'd said to a complete stranger she needed to say to him. After everything she needed to restate that she loved him even with all of their problems.

As she swung the front door open the familiarity of her surroundings welcomed her as if she were a ghost returning to an old haunt. Sara abandoned her things by the door as she made her way into the kitchen her eyes washing over the letters on the table waiting to be organised. She would write a 'to-do' list she had convinced herself at the start of the week but so far no such list had materialised leaving all of the small tasks and errands unattended to.

The notebook Rueben had given her felt hot in her hands and a part of her knew she was using it as an excuse to not have to file, clean or cook but she didn't mind those things would eventually get done she convinced herself. Also Sara realised that she couldn't help but let the curiosity get the better of her- it was in her nature after all. She opened to the first page pouring a glass of red wine in the process preparing herself for whatever was about to come.

The story seemed to open with a profound piece of poetry catching her off guard as she re-read the words on the page:

...And in that moment it struck her
the real ideas of romance
with closed eyes
she kissed the sea
and let the sand castles break
wash away to the sorrow of the waves

Sara couldn't help but smile at the wording imagining Rueben sitting in his dimly lit office, the smell of cigarettes and whiskey surrounding him as he wrote the very words she was reading. She wondered what he meant- unravelling the lexis as someone giving up on the ideas of perfection and settling. Or maybe she was attempting to make the story relevant to herself- she couldn't tell. Picking the notebook and wine glass up in her hand Sara wandered upstairs settling in the armchair in her study before she began reading.

As the story unravelled she could feel her heart build and break with every emotion Rueben had poured onto the pages. The words seemed to remind her that perhaps in the end they were no different when it came to romance. They were both so very much in love that they had allowed themselves to get pulled in- become dependent upon- someone they knew would hurt them.

Sara drained the small amount of wine that had settled at the bottom of the glass her eyes casting over the last line of what Rueben had written so far.

...And as much as it hurt to know that she had been lost to the storm he didn't shed a single tear. He let her go. Perhaps that was all he regretted. He wondered if he would let the words he had wished he'd said resound with every beat of his heart...

It was that line that finally roused Sara from her seat and the comfortable bubble of isolation she had created around herself in that room. She realised that no matter what happened between her and Grissom in the future she didn't want to one day regret the things she'd never said to him. She didn't want to look back to these days and wish that she'd fought harder for their relationship.

Sara placed the notebook on the desk in front of her and walked to her bedroom the answer-phone light blinked in the darkened room greeting her as she came through the door. She sighed, pondering the prospect of listening to another empty message from Grissom, talking about all the wonderful people he's met and all the fabulous things he'd learnt from the new generation of students. Those thoughts themselves forcing her to sit on the edge of her bed Sara found the pack of cigarettes she kept in her night stand, lighting a smoke in the darkness.

She needed time.

She needed to prepare her thoughts before she spoke to him.

With every drag of the cigarette the things that she wanted to say became slightly clearer. Sara stubbed it out in the ash tray slowly exhaling the last remnant of smoke before she made a move. Sara clicked the message button with an irritated sigh her arms crossed and her feet firmly on the ground in a stance that suggested she was prepared for a fight. It seemed ridiculous. Grissom wasn't even there but it was as if they were arguing.

"I just got back from blowing and it wasn't all that bad- well- if Hodges would learn to shut up it would have been better. I just wanted you to know that I embraced my inner Sidle and ate vegetarian sushi for lunch. It wasn't all bad." Sara's whole body seemed to relax and she couldn't help but smile at the sound of Greg's voice filled the room. "I also think you should know that if you need to talk, or moan, or drown your sorrows that I have no plans and I'm not really that interested in the migratory patterns of the Blue Whale. I've been watching the Discovery Channel for over an hour feel free to save me from boredom."

He ended the call and his voice was replaced once again by the heavy silence she was beginning to get accustomed to. The smile that spread across her lips quickly faded as she acknowledged that she was alone. And as much as a part of her wanted to run to Greg's, to see the obvious warmth in his eyes as he let her in, listen to the sound of his laugh as he teased her simply just to feel alive Sara decided against it.

She couldn't put this off any longer.

Sara had learnt Grissom's number off by heart a long time ago. She would find herself dialling it but never quite managing to call because every time she would find herself backing down.

Every time Grissom hurt her Sara would just take as if it were a part of what love was supposed to be.

Taking a deep breath as the dial tone rung in her ears Sara prepared the words that she was going to say. Confessing had never been her strength. And after all of these years with him that had forced herself into the confines of none verbal conversation.

"Grissom" His voice seemed to sooth her and Sara could feel that bubble of hope rising inside her.

"Hello, it's me...I got your message but I had to head out. It's Sara." She stumbled over her words slightly.

"Sara...hello..." The chatter of people in the background was almost impossible to ignore. "How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you- how are you?" She frowned at the small talk but decided to continue hoping that he would take note of the serious tone of her voice.

"I'm doing great. What is it I can do for you?" The formality in the question got under her skin- something wasn't right- she could sense it.

"I think we need to-"She began her sentence but the sound of a distinctly female voice loud and clear on the other side stopped Sara in her tracks.

"Who's that? Is it important?" She asked.

"No...No...It's nothing. It's fine." Grissom replied to whoever it was in his company.

"Sara...sorry what was that?" He asked her- his voice suggesting that he was agitated.

"Forget it" Sara hung up standing once again alone surrounded by the sound of silence. Her breathing came in short gasps as if she had been exercising and she couldn't deny the tears that had were stinging her eyes.

One word spinning around in her head; Sara crippled onto the sofa her bringing her knees up to her chest becoming the smallest thing that she could be.

Nothing

adj.

- Having no prospect of progress; something of no value.