"Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. – Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book
7.
A day two thirds of the way through their winter vacation found both Booth and Brennan lounging by the poolside. He was flipping through a magazine to pass the time while waiting for his cerveza to be delivered. She was lying on her stomach, hat pulled low to cover her face, a light blue bikini leaving little to the imagination, and a lime margarita beaded in condensation sitting on the table beside her. Occasionally they would make comments about the weather or the people around them, but mostly they were quiet, just enjoying the heat and the presence of the other.
Bored and thinking about taking a dip in the pool to cool off, he tossed his magazine into their shared beach bag, noticing a copy of her anthropology journal sticking out at an odd angle. He stretched to push it further in the bag, almost tipping his chair in the process. She raised her head to smirk at him in amusement. He shrugged and grinned. As she moved to resume her relaxed pose, a thought that had been niggling at the back of his mind for the past few weeks finally made the way to the tip of his tongue and he stopped her. "Hey, Bones?"
"Hmm?" She adjusted her body to a more comfortable position and peered over at him again.
"You're having a good time here, aren't you?"
She looked puzzled. "Have I appeared to not be having a good time?"
"Yeah. No. No, you seem to be having fun, I just... I haven't been smothering you, have I?"
She struggled to sit up between the loose slats of the chair to be able to see him better and decipher his words. "Smothering? As in depriving me of oxygen?"
He suppressed the urge to laugh and offered a small grin instead. "Nah Bones, as in smothering you with attention? Not giving you enough space?"
"Oh, I see." She cocked her head in consideration. "No, I believe I have had adequate breathing room on this vacation. I have enjoying spending this time with you."
He nodded. "Good, I just. I wanted to check in and make sure. You know, because earlier you said I was being..."
"Controlling?" she offered brightly.
He ducked his head. "Yeah. That."
She studied him closely and was about to speak when the server appeared with his drink. Distractedly, she shook her head in response when he asked if she wanted another. Booth took the bottle and gripped it lightly, picking at the damp corners of the label before taking a sip. "Bones?"
"Booth, I know you are aware of and respect my desire to be independent."
She wasn't asking him, but was stating it as a fact. Despite her sureness, he felt compelled to nod in confirmation.
"I also acknowledge that your desire to do things for me and protect me is not borne out of a belief that I am incapable of taking care of myself, but rather as an indicator of how deeply you care about my wellbeing."
He felt a wave of relief as she stated her understanding of his actions. "I don't just care Bones, I love you."
Her face lit up at his words. "As I love you, Booth," she admitted shyly. They sat, two grinning fools in love. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before retreating to her own chair. She smiled a few seconds longer, then sighed. "But I can be too independent and you can be too caring. We don't seem to be very adept at defining when we've gone too far."
"I gotta admit Bones. I'm never going to stop wanting to protect and do nice things for you."
"I'd expect nothing less from you Booth. But just so you know, I'm never going to stop wanting to do things for myself."
"I know, trust me I know." They grinned at each other again. Eventually, she looked away, tracing her toes against his teasingly.
"You know, it goes both ways."
"What does?"
"I also have the desire to make you feel good and to protect you. Just because I'm not as expressive as you doesn't mean I feel it any less."
He stilled at her admission. Although instinctually he knew she was telling the truth, it was something he'd never considered about her.
"I would do anything for you Booth. I have broken the law, even shot and killed people for you in the past. Why would that change now that we've admitted we're in love?" She let her words sink in and then added, "But I don't have the right to make decisions for you any more than you have the right to make decisions for me."
She shook her head at him as he opened his mouth to respond. "Remember how I told you that I couldn't have a relationship with you because I needed to protect you? I thought I was doing the right thing: that I would eventually crush your heart. But I didn't explain to you my reasoning and I didn't allow you to make that choice for yourself and I ended up hurting you, us, just as badly." She reached out and lightly brushed his knuckles with her thumb. "I did it again when I decided to push you away rather than discuss moving in with you. Or when I ran to Darfur, assuming I knew what you were feeling. I'm sure there are more occurrences that you could enumerate as well. But the point of the matter is that when I take away your right to have equal say in this relationship I inevitably end up hurting you." She chanced a quick glance up at him and explained, "I am trying to learn how to include you in my decision making process. But Booth, it works in the opposite direction as well. Making decisions for me or forcing me into them by taking away all other alternatives? I can't live with that."
Silently, he moved to sit beside her. He nudged her with his shoulder and waited until she looked at him. "When did you get to be the one who knows more about relationships Bones? You're the one teaching me now." He grabbed her hand and threaded his fingers between hers. "I didn't. I didn't even realize how unfair I was being. Even after you told me your concerns about his vacation, I still felt like you were blowing things out of proportion."
He watched a frown start to form on her face and rushed to explain. "No, I mean, I understood that you were upset and that I was out of line, but I didn't get why it was such a big deal until just now. All that stuff about me controlling our relationship: complaining about your work; guilting you; dismissing you. I really thought I was helping you. I didn't bother asking what you wanted. I've always just assumed I knew better. In fact, I'm pretty sure you were protesting pretty loudly and I was ignoring you."
"I don't want to be in a submissive relationship with you Booth."
His eyes widened and he shifted away from her. "Woah Bones. I'm. We're. I'm not into that sort of thing."
She smirked. "So you say. However, you do have some dominating tendencies and as a result, I have had to sublimate my own dominant impulses for the benefit of our relationship."
"Just stop! We are not in some sort of kinky controlling relationship!"
"Then perhaps it is time for you to sublimate your own impulses for me, so that we are on a more balanced footing," she suggested boldly.
"But Bones, I…"
She cut of his protest with a small wave. "I'm not saying you have to control all your impulses, just some of them. If I protest, it probably means there is a reason for it. This is not to say that there aren't times I protest unnecessarily and I will work to curve that impulse. I've come to appreciate several of your alpha male traits. I'm not sure if you've noticed this about me Booth, but I have a tendency to lose track of things outside of my immediate environs when I am working."
"No kidding."
"Occasionally I need to be reminded to take breaks."
"Uh huh," he nodded, unconvinced of her sincerity.
"Booth!"
"What? You're not telling me anything I don't know!"
"Do you know how much I appreciate you for caring where and how I am? For making sure that I have food and conversation and someone to come home to at night? Do you know how much I love the way you care about me? I can survive without you Booth, but I don't want to live without you!"
"Temperance."
"No, you need to understand why I fight you so hard!"
"Hey, I do understand. I do. I just. Can we take this inside?" He tilted his head across the pool. She looked up and spotted numerous eyes watching them.
"Oh."
He smiled at her. "Yeah. Oh."
She blushed and looked away as he pulled her to her feet. She leaned into him, lazily brushing her lips against his, distracting him before giving him a small shove that caused him to stumble. In the aftermath she ducked under his arm and raced away. His laughter followed her across the pool.
(.xxx.)
"Time spent arguing is, oddly enough, almost never wasted." - Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian
(.xxx.)
The contrast between the heat outside and the air-conditioned room made them both shiver as they entered the room. Brennan tossed her bag on the bed and grabbed a shawl as Booth moved to adjust the temperature. They had remained silent during the walk back to the room and neither seemed anxious to restart the conversation.
"So, where were we?"
"Hmm?" Brennan removed her gaze away from the view outside the patio doors reluctantly. "In an attempt to diffuse the seriousness of our conversation you were about to make fun of me either for liking the fact that you take care of me or for wanting you."
He opened his mouth and she cut him off before he could defend himself. "Do you really think me that incapable of taking care of myself? I'm never certain whether you tease me out of humor or if you actually believe I am that inept when it comes to protecting myself from the dangers of life. I've taken two advanced defensive driving courses, Booth. I have a black belt in three martial arts. I've put in hundreds of hours at the shooting range with various hand and long guns, although admittedly, my experience in non-controlled scenarios is limited to hunting and those few occasions you've let me carry in the field. I've faced death squads, soldiers, and the most devastating examples of human cruelty. I survived quite well in the years before you came into my life."
"I know you can kick ass Bones. That's not why I bug you." He sighed and sunk down to the bed. "Look, I don't know how else to remind you that you aren't invincible. You never listen to me about anything. And let's face it, no matter how much you've learned on your own, you still aren't qualified to drive an emergency vehicle or act as an agent of the FBI."
She whirled around to face him. "Then help me get the qualifications I need Booth!"
"Why?" He shot back. "So that you can take huger, wilder risks?"
"No, so I can back you up in the field! So that I can protect you! I want to be able to help you, not hinder you."
"You help me when you do your thing with the bones."
"So I'm not helpful to you in the field?"
"You are," he soothed. "But you don't seem to realize that what you do affects me. It's hard enough keeping up with a suspect in a firefight or a chase, but keeping track of you, is impossible. You're a loose cannon Bones and I mean that in the nicest way possible."
"Then put me through the appropriate training so that you don't have to keep track of me!"
"Are you willing to put 20 weeks in at Quantico?"
She glared at him.
"What? That's how long I trained before I was considered qualified to work cases. Then I worked with a senior agent for another two years before I was cleared to go into the field alone, not to mention all the other seminars and refresher courses I've taken over the years. You got that kind of time to train to be out in the field?"
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Look. I've picked up a lot of forensic procedure over the past few years. Would you be comfortable letting me collect physical evidence from a crime scene?"
"I don't understand."
"We all have our roles during the investigation, right? You wouldn't want Angela out collecting samples of dirt or Cam piecing together a skeleton, or Jack interrogating a suspect, would you?"
"No. That would be inappropriate."
"Would it be appropriate if I suddenly slapped on some gloves and started handling a body?"
"It would most definitely be surprising. You have shown an extreme aversion to touching remains in the past."
"That's not what I… Never mind. Look, the thing is, I don't touch your bones unless there's a very good reason to, like, they're about to fall, or you ask me to, or something."
"That was very vague, but I believe I comprehend what you are saying."
"So, if I can't help you with your job without your permission, what gives you the right to try to help me do mine?"
Instinctually she wanted to fight him on his statement, but she opted to take a moment and think about what he was saying. Slowly, she released a breath and nodded. "You make a valid point Booth. I had not thought about it from your perspective before. Perhaps it would be best for me to remove myself from the field in the future." She lowered herself onto the bed and played with the ends of her shawl.
"Hey," he said as he sidled closer to her. He propped her chin up with his finger to force her to look him in the eyes. "That's not what I meant and you know it."
She stared at him with stubborn concentration. "No, you are right. I am not FBI. I am a scientist. We should respect each other's skill sets. I have no business conducting a criminal investigation and potentially endangering you and others without proper training, just as you have no business compromising an investigation by completing a forensic evaluation of a body. And since I do not have the time to devote to proper training it would be logical for me to refrain from that aspect of our partnership in the future."
"Can you honestly tell me you would be happy with an arrangement like that?" he asked curiously.
"I…" she sighed. "No, I would be rather discontent with such an arrangement. But if I truly pose a detriment to you in the field, I would learn to adapt."
"I don't want you to adapt or feel discontent or feel any less than you are. You are amazing Bones. Okay? You are not a detriment to me, ever. I just want you to learn to be less impulsive out there. Okay? When the bullets are flying I gotta know that you won't put yourself in danger. You have to listen to what I say and follow my directions."
"If I had done that during the case with Howard Epp's accomplice, your parietal bone would have been fractured by a pipe. If I had been less impulsive when the Gravedigger abducted you, you would have drowned."
"Yeah, okay, but remember that case with that mummy in a Halloween maze? The one where you managed to injure me and leave me short on ammo? I took a huge risk that night, firing through that wall with just one bullet. What if I hadn't gotten him? What if I wasn't able to protect you and that girl? That's what I'm talking about. When I give you a hard time, you seem to work just that much more to prove me wrong, so I thought... I don't know what I thought. Maybe I was trying to knock you down a peg or two. Maybe I like knowing there is something I can do that you can't."
"You are very adept at multiple things I am not."
His previously grim face brightened. "Yeah?"
Softly, she replied, "Yes." She stretched her fingers to entangle with his, but refused to look up at him.
"Bones? You know that I think you're adept at more that studying bones, right?"
When she continued to elude his gaze, he bumped her shoulder. "You can be harsh and cold," he said, echoing her self assessment from months before. "You're stubborn and don't listen to anyone. You can be egotistical. You push people away. You're impulsive and sometimes violent. You never admit you're wrong…."
As he spoke, she tensed and released his hand abruptly. He grabbed it back and held on tightly. "You're also a hypocrite because you jump to conclusions without having all the facts." She raised her head and flashed her glare at him in defiance, trying to escape his grasp.
"But I don't care about any of it. It doesn't matter because you are also warm and loving. You hear everything single thing I say to you and you take it all to heart. You have a brilliant mind and you're not ashamed of it. You're extremely loyal. You're quick and fiery. You always look for the truth even if it proves you wrong." He waggled his eyebrows at her as he noticed her glare begin to diminish. Cautiously he released her hands.
She grumbled, "If people would speak clearly and directly instead of hiding behind convoluted metaphors and half truths, I wouldn't have to try to form my own conclusions."
"Okay, here's a truth. I love all of you. The good and the bad. Always. That clear enough for you?"
She stared at him and nodded slowly, a sly smile forming on her lips. "Yes. However I still believe you discount my ability to take care of myself."
He groaned and collapsed back on the bed, pulling her with him. "So stubborn Bones, so stubborn!"