To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected. - Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season
13.
"Bones we gotta talk."
"Is it time for you to begin convincing me of the validity of matrimony?" She asked halfheartedly.
"Do you have to say it like that?"
"I," she stopped herself from responding and switched to a different topic. "It appears you are planning a romantic evening for us."
Booth grinned and spread his arm out, gesturing to the candlelit table and aromatic meal waiting there. "You like?"
"It is very aesthetically appealing."
"Good, good." He ushered her forward and pulled out her chair.
She hesitated and sat. "Thank you."
He took his chair beside her and began to dish out their meal. Brennan remained quiet, trying to let him take the lead with this night. He tried to cover her silence with his own chatter, talking about the meal and his day, a thin trickle of sweat trailing down his backbone as his nervousness increased. Finally the food from his plate was gone and hers was artfully rearranged and the whisper of music playing in the background surrounded them. "Bones," he said as he took her hand and shifted towards her. She was pale and solemn, but tried to smile back at him.
"Bones," he said again. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to love you and our children and I want to fight the bad guys with our mismatched little family and I just want you. Always by my side. In work and life. And that's why I want to be married to you, why I believe in marriage. I want the whole world to know it. That's the only argument I have. So will you, will you marry me?"
Tears filled her eyes as he spoke. She warred with herself, her beliefs. She wanted him to know that all those things he desired, she wanted them too. She wanted him, she wanted... "No."
Booth stared in shock and dismay. "No?"
She stared back at him and said nothing, unsure of how to express herself without making things worse.
They each waited for the other to go first. The silence grew heavy and long, a menacing stranger between them. Finally she nodded and looked away. Stood. Left the room.
He found her in their bedroom, a suitcase on the bed and the closet open. She was slumped on the floor between the two. "Bones," he voice was quiet, uncertain. "What are you doing?"
"I was going to start packing."
"Why?"
She paused, her hands trembled as she smoothed the folds of the sweater she held and placed it carefully down. "I cannot give you the one thing you need to be happy. I can't," her voice broke and the tears she had cut off so abruptly were threatening again. "You deserve someone who can give you all your dreams. And I... I can't change who I am to be that person. No matter how much I want to. I tried to find a way Booth, I tried so hard. I can't." She angrily swiped away a stray tear that had managed to elude her control. She wasn't this person. She wasn't.
"Bones?"
"You will come to hate me Booth. I would rather. I can't!" Her voice rose with a hint of panic with her last word .
The despair radiating from her was too much for him to bear. "Bones, please." He gently grasped her shoulder and encouraged her to turn. Her eyes were red-rimmed, grey. "You promised you wouldn't run anymore. I'm tired of you doing this every time things get hard."
"I'm not running. I pulled out the suitcase and I turned toward the closet and I realized that I couldn't do it. So I stopped. I don't want to leave you. I wasn't leaving you."
"But you thought about it?"
She glanced away in shame. "I should be able to say yes to your proposal! I should be able to say yes but I can't. I can't say yes. I can't leave. Yet I can't keep hurting you either, don't you understand?" Her anger, quick to burst out quickly dimmed and died again. Her whole being slumped in defeat.
"Bones," he murmured, "this wasn't an all or nothing proposal. I still want you, married or not."
"That's not what it feels like. You promised me a debate. A chance to discuss and argue both sides, but then you leap ahead to a proposal. I clearly don't get a say in any of this. Why do you keep doing this? If you're happy with the way things are, then why do you feel the need to push the marriage agenda? Because we're in a relationship and we're contemplating having children? Because that's the way traditional relationships are supposed to progress? You say it isn't all or nothing, but with your history...nothing is pretty much implied, if not now then eventually."
His jaw tightened. "That's unfair. Those relationships aren't ours. You weren't in them, you don't know all the reasons they didn't work out."
"You loved them enough to envision a life with them, like you envision a life with me. You are the common factor, not the relationship. You want marriage, it's what you need."
"What I need is you Bones."
"Then why can't you be happy with me as I am? Why did you have to push this knowing how I feel?"
"I thought you might change your mind?" He offered pathetically.
She stared at him, judging his sincerity. She believed he loved her. She believed that he was earnest in his desire to be with her regardless of marital bonds. "I had hoped in turn that you would change your mind about the necessity of marriage."
"I'm never going to do that Bones. I believe in marriage and all that comes with it. I always will. But if the only way I can be with you is to accept that it's not in the cards for us, I will."
"I wish I were able to make that kind of compromise for you. I don't want you to compromise for me. It's wrong. I don't want to force you to be something you're not."
"And you think I do?" He asked, incredulously. She had no reply. She did think so. He regrouped. "Look, we agreed to have a debate about this before I jumped the gun. Can we start over? Can we talk about this before making any decisions?"
"I," she stopped herself from reminding him that his request was exactly what she had wanted to do in the first place. "I would find that acceptable."
He settled down on the edge of the bed. "So, uh, how do we start this?"
She hesitated to join him, but his offer was preferable to the floor. "Well, formal debates usually start with the declaration of the resolution."
He squinted across the duvet at her. "So, what we declare our positions? I'm for marriage; you're against?"
She smiled, briefly. "No, not like that. We declare the resolution, 'Be it declared that Seeley Booth and Temperance Brennan should not get married."
He brightened, "Oh I get it. Okay. Be it declared that Seeley Booth and Temperance Brennan should get married."
She rolled her eyes, "Then we each state our positions."
"Yep, already got that covered Bones. Now what? Who goes first?"
"The affirmative debater generally goes first, which would be you."
"Oh. Okay. Yeah." He rubbed his hands against his thighs and looked around the room. "Hey, uh can we change the venue? Maybe grab something to drink?"
Brennan picked up on his discomfort and nodded. "We can reconvene in the living room, in...Five minutes? Will that be sufficient for you?"
"Yeah Bones." He stood and looked at her. "Yeah. That will work."
(.xxx.)
"It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it." - Joseph Joubert
(.xxx.)
For perhaps the first time in the months that Booth and Brennan had been living together, Brennan felt uncomfortable entering a shared living space. The five minute cooling down period she'd agreed to was over and it was time to face the conversation she'd long dreaded. She hesitated at the door, promising herself that she wouldn't run away this time. She reminded herself that this conversation was with Booth and that he didn't want to break up with her. She hoped.
He was sitting on the couch with his head cradled in his hands. He was upset and stressed. While she wanted neither condition for him, she was secretly pleased that she could decode his signals so easily. She sat down across from him and waited for him to start.
Booth scrubbed his face before tilting his head up to look at her. "I don't want to debate this."
Temperance froze. "We are at opposing sides of the argument."
"That's not." He dropped his hands and straightened his back. "Look. I get that we have two very different points of view and that we both want the other to come over to our side. It's just," he sighed. "I hate arguing with you. Bickering, yeah, but not this."
She considered his point. She nodded and slowly responded, "O-kay. But then how do you propose we do this Booth? Debates I understand. I was on championship teams in both High School and College. But this? I don't know how to do this."
"How about we just tell each other what we're thinking? You know, without getting mad or jumping in or leaving? Just talk?" Booth tried very hard to keep any hint of accusation from his voice. They were both guilty of doing the complete opposite of what he'd suggested.
"Are those your only terms? Because while I agree they are excellent suggestions, I'm not sure we're capable of keeping our emotions controlled for the entire conversation."
"Well, how about a time out then? If you feel you're going to burst, call for a time out, no questions asked."
"Like in your football games?" She asked, excited to make the connection.
"You got it." He smiled.
She unclasped her hands and reached toward him. "Agreed."
It took him a second, but he understood. He shook her hand. "Agreed." Then, he laughed. It was a short and tense chuckle, but a laugh none the less. "We can't do simple, can we Bones? Not ever."
"I suppose that is correct. But Booth, I don't intentionally try to make things difficult. You understand that, right? I just prefer clarity."
"I understand Bones, I do. I just wish…Nah." He shook his head. "Not the point. Not the discussion. I'm…" He leaned toward her and looked her in the eyes. "Why do you think I want to marry you?"
She chose her words carefully before speaking. "I think that you believe in God and tradition. I think that you believe that getting married is part of a life well lived. That marriage is something you're supposed to do in order to be a good person, just the same as doing the right thing and working hard and…" She glanced around, searching for a clearer explanation before continuing, "…wearing clothes. I think that you have a very specific view of the stages of human development, and one of the key indicators of adulthood is marriage. And while I admire the strength and conviction of your belief system, I'm not sure if you've ever considered why you choose to believe so strongly."
With great determination, Booth had stopped himself from jumping into her speech to explain. "Just because I believe in God, that I'm a Catholic, doesn't mean I blindly follow all the teachings of the church."
She nodded in agreement. "Yes, you have a very tolerant viewpoint, at least for some things. But you can also be quite uncompromising with regard to other issues. I admit that I have struggled to understand your contradictory nature. I also realize that many times in the past I have offended you. That has never been my intent. I am attempting to understand."
"You can be very insulting sometimes Bones. You called God my 'invisible friend', like I was a child or something. It didn't sound like you were trying to understand me, you know? And you can be quite uncompromising in your own beliefs. Science doesn't explain everything, no matter how much you want it to."
She bristled at his not quite accusatory accusations before remembering their agreement. She counted to five and then responded. "Science hasn't explained everything yet, but someday it will. And humans make mistakes. I make mistakes. I have never shied away from admitting when I'm wrong. But….perhaps I'm still learning how to admit when I am uncertain."
The silence settled after her admission. Then Booth shrugged, "Back to topic?"
She nodded.
"Okay, so what I'm getting from your answer is that the reason I want to marry you is because that's what's expected of me. Is that the gist?"
"The gist?" She frowned. "Yes, that's essentially correct."
"What if I told you that you're right, at least partially?"
"I would be, I am, surprised."
"Look, in this world, the one that we're living in, marriage still has meaning. It means that we love each other and are committed to each other and that we're promising to stay that way. And going through the wedding, saying the vows, signing the paperwork? That's the evidence. You know, the proof that love and commitment exist. That's why I want to marry you. I want to prove beyond all doubt that I love you, to you, yes, but also to the rest of the world. It's sorta like that whole 'if a tree falls in the forest' thing. If no one but you and me know how we feel for each other, then does it really exist?" He shrugged in embarrassment, hoping he'd explained himself well enough.
Brennan processed his words quickly, but became hung up on his explanation at the end. "Can you explain the tree falling in the forest quote? I'm not familiar with it."
Of course she'd focus on that, he should have known. "You know, 'if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?'"
"Oh, the philosophical riddle originally proposed by Berkeley. It's like Schrödinger's cat; yes I understand your reference now. And I appreciate the distinction you made about evidence. It's just." She hesitated, knowing that she was going to force the conversation back a step.
"Bones, just say what you need to say. No getting mad or interrupting, remember?"
"I don't want to upset you."
"Just spit it out."
"I'm trying to listen and accept your explanations, but I'm not convinced. Marriage, it doesn't mean to me what it means to you. I'm not sure it ever will. I find it…pointless, at least for myself, although I can see the validity of it in a historical context. Our culture, our society may shape who we become, however I have made a point of not conforming to societies expectations for most of my adult life. I don't. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of us. Until recently I barely cared what anyone else thought of me beyond the realm of professional standing. And you…. I trust you Booth. So when you tell me that you love me and are committed to me and plan to stay that way, I believe you, in so far as your are capable of fulfilling that promise. I will believe you until the day you tell me different. I will always believe you. And I suppose your insistence on marriage; I suppose it makes me feel like you don't believe me when I tell you I'm in love with and committed to you." In the wake of her own honesty, she felt the urge to flee again.
To both of their surprise, his response was a chuckle. Hastening to explain before the hurt look reappeared on her face, he spoke, "Do you realize that I just argued for evidence, and you argued for belief? This is one hell of a conversation Bones. It's literally turning us on our heads."
Her brows furrowed. "I don't think you understand the proper use of the word literal Booth, but I do agree that this is a role reversal for us. I. I find myself concerned by it."
"You don't have to be concerned about it Bones. We're looking at it from each other's perspective, trying to gain an edge in the argument."
"I thought you said you didn't want to argue."
"Okay, I said argue, but I meant fight. You know the difference." She gave him a slow nod in response. "Okay. You've told me why you think I want to get married. Now, can you tell me why you don't want to get married? And I don't mean I want an anthropological rundown. I want to know what you, Temperance Brennan, think."
Her sigh was audible. "Will you allow me some leeway in which to explain myself? I need to clarify a few things with you first to make you understand my reasons."
"No anthro mumble jumble?" he questioned.
She shook her head before answering, "No."
He picked up his beer bottle and took a sip before pointing it at her. "Okay, clarify away."
Taking note of a second bottle on the table, she reached to grab it and satisfy her own craving for a break. She picked at edges of the label as she carefully asked, "Marriage does not prevent people from breaking up. Would you agree?"
He watched her fidget. "Well yeah, the divorce rate would seem to back you up on that one Bones."
"But you believe that a marriage between you and me would provide additional protection against us failing? That because of our personal ethical codes, we would not consider dissolving our union when things became difficult?"
"Something like that, yeah, I guess."
She studied him for several moments. "I have always thought you were a romantic, but I may have been mistaken. Perhaps I am the romantic," she mused.
He laughed. "What? No. Bones, you are many things, but romantic? Just, no."
She smiled at him as she slowly shook her head in disagreement. "No. You're saying that we need the law to keep us together. That is not romantic."
"That's not what I'm saying!"
"No, it is Booth. Just let me present you with two scenarios first before you reject this idea. It's not fully formed yet, but I think it has some validity. Please?"
"Okay, okay, give me your scenario…"
"All right. The first scenario is this: a couple falls in love and gets married. They form a life together. They combine their financial resources and buy a house and eventually have kids. The kids get older. They get older. The initial passion dims. They have fights. They struggle. But they stay together. Why? Because it's too much work, too much money to go through a divorce. Maybe things do get better. Maybe they do get 50 years together. Maybe they are happy. Maybe they're miserable because they're trapped."
"Bones…"
"Just hear me out Booth, please," she pleaded. "The second scenario is this: a couple falls in love. They form a life together. They combine their financial resources and buy a house and eventually have kids. The kids get older. They get older. The initial passion dims. They have fights. They struggle. But they stay together. Why? Because they choose every day to remain committed to each other. They decide that the life they've built together is worth the struggles and fights and diminished arousal. They have 30, 40 or 50 years together. Or they don't stay together and find happiness elsewhere. Why? Because the life they built together isn't worth it. Don't you see Booth? Choosing to love each other every day, without being coerced into it? That to me is romantic. And if someday in the future we don't truly love each other enough to share the bad times as well as the good, then why would being married have any bearing? I wouldn't wish that type of unhappiness on anyone, especially you."
Seeley Booth stared at the woman he loved, and realized in that moment they he'd fallen just a little bit more in love with her. She made it sound so…simple. He wanted to get married, he did, but.… "I love you Bones."
She smiled that smile that always squeezed his heart and made him want to give her the world, "As I love you Booth." She crossed the space between them, curling her whole body against his frame. Their lips met. His fingers cradled the nape of her neck. Her lips whispered across the scruff of his jaw line. It didn't end there, and for a long time the words between them were forgotten.