Chapter Ten
For the rest of the day she'd obsessed over the offer, turning it over in her mind, considering doing something she'd never dreamed that she would. Bo had no desire to join the Light. Nothing had ever swayed her, not Dysons' gentle pushing, not the Light or the Dark's threats and manipulations. She might be still ignorant in some ways about the world she'd entered - but that was one certainty that she'd always clung to.
Now she was supposed to be watching TV. Kenzi occasionally passed her the bowl of chips she kept clutched in her arms. They were both suffering through their hangovers by eating and watching the nature channel, enjoying the companionable silence.
Behind Bo's eyes all she could see was the image of her offering Lauren her life back, being able to be the one who could tell her that she didn't have to work for the Ash any more. She kept imagining how she would say it, trying to visualise the look on Lauren's face when she found out. A promise would be made - she'd protect Lauren and keep her safe like she did with Kenzi, and of course she would be Lauren's owner only nominally.
It had occurred to her that she should talk it through with Kenzi but had determined to keep it to herself for now. Kenzi would pitch a fit when she found out, as would Dyson. Instead she'd gone fully into slouch mode - she'd showered and then hadn't bothered to dress – and was now damp-haired and wrapped up in her kimono. They'd just ordered a pizza and neither of them had any intention of moving for the rest of the evening.
A knock sounded on the door and Bo rolled her eyes, assuming that it was Dyson. He had tried to call a couple of times and she'd tried to ignore it. She reluctantly got up from her seat. The last thing she felt like was going another round of fighting but once he got really riled up he could never let things rest. Kenzi got up as well, discreetly disappearing into her bedroom.
When she opened the door her heart started hammering in her chest, and she felt a rush of heat to her face. Lauren was standing there.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
"Sure," Bo said, holding the door open, her eyes following Lauren inside and flicking up and down to take in the jeans and T-shirt she was wearing. Seeing Lauren dressed casually wasn't something she got to see very often, and she looked unbelievably good.
Bo snapped herself back to the situation. It would only make things worse to go lusting after Lauren after the mess they'd already gotten themselves into. She didn't know what on earth she was going to say. If Lauren were here to talk about them, to talk about that kiss, thenit might be best just to play it off for now. It was better to put it all on hold while she figured out what she was going to do about everything.
"C'mon, let's go upstairs," Bo replied. Lauren was quiet; she hadn't said another word since Bo had invited her in. Kenzi could come out of her room any minute, her curiosity always got the better of her eventually.
When they reached her bedroom Bo sat down on the bed and Lauren stood uneasily near the doorway. "Okay, I'm listening," Bo said unenthusiastically.
Lauren was looking at her with an expression that she couldn't understand, except that she looked more serious than she usually did. And she was hugging herself, wrapping herself in her own arms as though for protection. Bo didn't know what to make of it – she was expecting more anger after the way she'd behaved when they last saw one another and the fact that they hadn't spoken since.
"Did you have any intention of telling me what you've been talking to the Ash about?" the way she said it was soft, reverent, and yes, now there were traces of anger.
Bo shook her head. She shouldn't have expected silence from the Ash, given how tight he seemed with Lauren and how manipulative he was. Still it had seemed unnecessary to mention to him that it was just supposed to be between the two of them for now. She hadn't wanted Lauren to know yet – and not just for the selfish reason of wanting to be the one who told her. She hadn't even made up her mind yet, and for once she were trying to not be impulsive about something. She'd needed time to work it through on her own.
Lauren crossed the floor and bent down a little to put her hands on Bo's shoulders. "You listen to me. I don't want you to do this," she forced eye contact, and although Bo at first looked away she couldn't stay that way, not when Lauren grabbed her by the chin and gently moved her face so that they were looking at one another. "The fact that you would even think about it means a lot to me . . . more than I can tell you. But it wouldn't be right."
"Why not?" Bo's heart sank. So much for all of her romantic fantasies. It wasn't supposed to go like this.
"Bo, I shouldn't have to tell you why not. I know how much your freedom means to you. There's no going back on your word. If you do this then you're Light Fae, with everything that being aligned comes with. You know I've always hoped you'd join the Light but -"
"So then what's the problem?" Bo said, her voice brittle, disappointment making her snap. She'd expected gratitude, not a lecture about why she was doing the wrong thing. Sometimes it felt like all people ever did was tell her how little she knew about being fae.
"Because I don't want to be the one who's responsible for forcing your hand. I don't want you to wind up resenting me because you've made a choice you never wanted to make in the first place. It's just swapping my bondage for yours, I know you can see that," Lauren said, her tone calm and measured. Bo's stubbornness meant that she needed to make a good case for Bo to even listen to her.
"And I think you can see that it's not exactly the same. I wouldn't be a slave. I could come and go as I please. He wouldn't own me," Bo replied.
"The whole time I've known you, you've talked about not being controlled by the fae, so don't be. If you do this against my wishes you're not behaving any differently to how he does," Lauren said. Her hand touched the side of Bo's face and Bo blinked rapidly; Lauren's returning to her shoulders a moment later when she realised what she was doing.
Bo put her hands up, her fingers encircling Lauren's wrists. "Don't say that. I'd be doing this for you, not because I want you to owe me one or something."
"I know that too," Lauren said. At last she took her hands away and sat down next to Bo on the bed so that she couldn't see Bo's soft brown eyes. They were beginning to overwhelm her.
"Although I have to admit that being your knight in shining armour might have had something to do with the appeal," Bo laughed to try and lighten the mood.
"Is that so?" Lauren said. Bo looked at the side of her face and could see that she were smiling, but it disappeared rapidly. "Do I have your word?"
"Okay. I promise," Bo agreed. "I wasn't sure about it anyway. But only if you promise to let me help you so we can figure something else out."
"Deal. But it needs to be on my own terms. You've got to understand, it's not going to be simple for me either way. I don't have a whole lot of life to go back to."
"What about your girlfriend? Nadia?" Bo's eyes cut to the side, watching Lauren's fingers intertwining as she nervously played with her hands.
"I wouldn't do that to her. She's been gone for four years. I'm sure we've both moved on to other people," Lauren said. Her words hung in the air while Bo worked through their meaning, wondering if she was referring to Ava. And then Lauren was up. "Well, I should go."
Lauren moved towards the door and Bo followed. Lauren turned back to her. "Thank you . . . for even entertaining the notion. Like I said, you don't know what it means to me."
Bo nodded at her, unable to speak. She didn't want Lauren to go but was at a loss as to how to keep her close. Lauren drew forward and put her hands on Bo's shoulders once more, then leaned to press her lips gently to Bo's forehead. As she stepped back her fingers trailed down the side of Bo's face and Bo grasped at them before they could be pulled away again. She swallowed hard as Lauren gazed at her, frowning subtly.
"What?" Bo asked her. "What's wrong?"
Neither of them would have been able to say who moved first, which one of them made the decision that it was going to happen.
Bo put her hands behind Lauren's head to keep her close, to pull her in. She felt herself getting turned and pushed towards the wall but all of her was focussed on Lauren's mouth; hot and wet and sweet-tasting. They were both panting in the seconds when they pulled away, looking into one another's eyes and seeing their own desire reflected. Bo's stomach had plummeted to somewhere around her feet and all conscious thought had left her mind in the heat of it.
After long kisses Lauren tugged at the belt of Bo's robe, pulling it open and leaving her nowhere to hide. Bo gasped as Lauren's long fingers slid inside and brushed against her ribs and upwards, dangerously close to her breasts. Lauren's forehead rested against her own, watching her. They'd broken their kiss but Lauren leaned in and tasted her lips, once then again.
Swallowing hard, Bo pushed herself forward, closer still. She wanted that hand between her legs, desperate for the sensation of having Lauren inside of her again. She was seconds away from taking Lauren's hand and moving it downwards, but she fought for restraint.
This was spinning out of control. Bo bit her lip as Lauren's hand brushed underneath her breast, her touch feather-light, her fingers asking the question of whether she was allowed to go further.
"We should stop," Lauren finally said aloud, though she sounded not at all like she wanted to.
"No . . ." Bo said, her breath coming quick and hard. She didn't want this to end, and yet she didn't want it to be like this either. She didn't want anything she had with Lauren to be about cheating.
"Wait, yes, stop," she said, closing her eyes so that she wouldn't have to see Lauren's face any more.
Lauren's hand retreated immediately, and she re-tied Bo's robe with care, looking downwards at it and frowning again. Bo tentatively put a hand over one of Lauren's.
"I don't want to see you any more," Lauren said bluntly, pulling her hand away. She felt broken down and raw. This was what she'd wanted, even more so since Bo had kissed her while they were dancing, and yet it wasn't at all what she hoped for.
In her weaker moments she didn't even care that Bo was with Dyson – she just wanted her no matter the circumstances. The reality was starkly different. Being the other woman made her feel so solitary and so wrong. She was very angry and hurt that Bo could treat her this way, something to be picked up when she was bored with her real relationship. Lauren spent her time feeling confused and she'd never been more so than when the Ash had come to her to tell her about Bo's questions. She wanted to believe that Bo cared for her as much as she did for Bo, but all the pieces didn't fit.
"Don't say that. You're one of the most important people in my life. We can be friends, can't we?" Bo pleaded.
"I don't know. I need to think. Goodnight," Lauren said as she slipped away, any other words dying on her lips.
Bo lay down on her bed, deliberately slowing her breathing, trying to get a hold on herself. Even Lauren's angry words hadn't dulled the passion coursing through her. It was not so long ago that she couldn't have imagined cheating on Dyson. She wanted to touch herself, do something to relieve the unbearable tension that had just built up in her.
It would only make her more hungry, and thinking about Lauren while she did it would only magnify her guilt.
She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow.
X X X
Lauren walked all the way home, hoping that the cold air might soothe her somehow. It was a cliché that she would never have indulged herself in thinking before, but her body was on fire.
Even her face burned hot, thinking about what she'd just done. She must be losing her mind, and she was torn between chastising herself and believing that she would do it all again as soon as she had the chance.
There had always been a streak of the thrill-seeker about her. It surprised people, and at times it even surprised her, but it was part of who she was. She thought of it as a safety valve that released the pressure that built up in her when she was working too hard or feeling too much. It was what brought her to work in The Congo, and it was what made working for the fae not as daunting as it might otherwise have been. And now, it was what made her keep returning to Bo even when she knew that it was dangerous for her heart.
She and Ava had settled into a friendship over the past few weeks, quickly transitioning from barely-lovers to something much more meaningful. After that last time Bo had kissed her, she'd sought someone to drink with and laugh over her own stupidity. Ava had fit the role better than she ever would have thought.
Ava thought love was hilarious, she'd seen so much of it. She said that love was another drug that humans invented to entertain themselves, and that if Lauren was ever going to get over it then she needed to go cold turkey.
She'd tried. After a few days she'd forced herself to stop waiting by the phone for Bo to call. She'd deleted Bo's number even though she'd memorised it, because at least now her fingers wouldn't hover over her name in the phone book every time she were feeling weak.
And then the Ash had summoned her to talk to her about Bo's offer. He'd had to repeat himself to make her understand, because she simply could not believe that Bo would do something like that - especially without discussing it with her.
It had been inconceivable that she wouldn't go straight to her. And now here she was, back to square one again. Actually, back to minus that, because her craving had just been intensified by a thousand times.
She uttered a quiet groan, and walked on.