It Returns

2

Jane

Her words echoed in my head. And while I wanted to hate every fiber of her being for hurting my man the way she did, I can't, because I now know why she did it. She loves him so much that she will break her own heart to keep him alive after she has gone; after she dies.

I don't know if I could do that to someone I love. Actually I know I couldn't. My own selfish need of comfort from that one person; the one person who I would need to distance to protect. My own need would outweigh that need to protect.

In that moment I knew That Dana Scully loved Fox Mulder more than I ever could. But that made me wonder how much Fox loved her. As I pondered on that question as I pulled into the parking lot; I was hit by memories.

The first was the day when I first met Dana Scully. She was short. That was the only flaw I could find with her. And yet you did not notice her short stature because you could see that this was a very strong woman. She carried herself with grace and confidence that did not become arrogance. I caught her giving me the once over and glared at her but she shrugged and stood up to shake my hand and introduce herself. Afterwards when Fox had spoken and I looked at him and not his partner I saw a look like he regretted something and when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, a look of sheer pain crossed his features, the pain of knowing what he was doing to the woman he loved.

I got out of the elevator and entered the empty apartment: Mulder was out of town helping his boss with a consult or something and was coming home tomorrow. Not feeling hungry I just got ready for bed and as I lay there waiting for sleep to come another memory crashed upon me: The night we told her we were getting married.

After she ran to the bathroom Fox made to follow her and I stopped him; telling him to give her some space. After ten minutes passed and she still had not returned I went into the bathroom to see if she needed anything; she ignored me with her head leaning over the edge of the toilet blood running down from her nose. So I left. Twenty minutes later she returned and I heard her tell Fox that she was quitting and after she left and we sat down to dinner. He did not eat very much that night and his face held the look of one who was betrayed by the person he trusted the most. It was then that I knew that my fiancé was in love with another female. But that did not mean that he loved her more then he loved me. So I pestered him about her and about their relationship to each other and after a week he finally told me. He told me in many words what I told Dana that he told me. He did say that he thought he loved her, but I knew that was a lie. He knew he loved her.

Now I just needed to find out how much.

Fox was tired when he came home; he came into the apartment and set his bag down on the floor. He then came over and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. He then went over to the fridge and pulled out a beer and sat down on the couch. I grabbed a bottle of water and went to sit next to him; he put his arm around me and I leaned into his shoulder. I knew that this might be the last time we sat like this. I took a deep breath and started speaking; I needed to know this. I would not marry someone who loved someone else more than me.

"How upset were you when Dana told you she was leaving? And don't feed me some bull story; I want the truth Fox!"

"Okay the truth . . . I felt betrayed, for a long time she was the only one I trusted; then she became my best friend, someone who drove the old nightmares away while replacing them with new ones and yet even then she could drive them away for a night; if she only smiled at me. After that night; you kept asking me and eventually I told you that I thought that I loved her. I lied, I do love her. And that only made her distancing herself from me even more painful. So I tried to move on, and I found you," he still doesn't look at me. One last question; this one would decide our next step.

"Do you still love her? Look past the pain and anger at what she has done and tell me: do you love her still?"

He was silent for a moment, a very long moment. Finally when the silence was becoming unbearable he answered with one simple word: "Yes."

That one word broke my heart. Why was this man with me when he clearly belonged to someone else?

"Well then Fox, you should tell her. Tell her that even after her abandonment of you, after her betrayal, you still love her. Go to her Fox don't worry about me; I have thought that this might be the case."

"Why should I tell her Jane? She doesn't love me back."

"No Fox your wrong: she loves you and will love you until her dying breath."

"Wait, what do you mean 'dying breath'?"

"Before I answer your question I want you to sleep on this part of our conversation. In the morning I will ask you again, and if your answer is still the same then I will answer your question. Now go to bed; you look exhausted." He listened to me and went to bed, without kissing me. I knew his answer would be the same. I promised Dana that I would tell Fox if it was necessary. To me in that moment it was, because even if he did marry me he would still fall into 'his vortex' as she called it. So with that in mind I went and sat at the desk and pulled some paper and a pen towards me; I needed to write Dana and explain why I told him.

Dear Dana,

I know I told you that I would not tell Fox about our conversation in the bar, but I saw that you loved him more than I ever could. I wanted to find out if loved you still; even after the pain you put him through. He does. I realized that even if he married me, when you die it will break him and your prediction will come true. So in the morning I will ask again if he still loves you; and then tell him why. Don't be angry, for I too want him happy. And he loves you more than he could ever love me.

Keep him, don't lose him

Jane.

After I finished the letter I went to bed. I got up first the next morning and went to start a pot of coffee. Then minutes later he came out dressed in casual jeans and black t-shirt. I handed him a mug of coffee and asked him again: "Do you love her still?"

"Yes, I still love her." He told me; he then sat in silence waiting for me to tell him why she did what she did.

"Then know this Fox: she ditched because she loves you too." He started to say something but I raised my hand to stop him. "Let me speak. She did this to protect you, like you did, whenever you ditched her on a case. She wanted you to live a happy life; even if that life was without her. She's dying Fox. She told me the Cancer is back and that she only has a few months to live. She thought that if she left you before she died that you would have more time to get over and love someone else. She feared that if she died while you guys were still friends or if you were in a relationship and she died that you would waste away and try to join her by your own hand. Her plan didn't work because you still love her. Now you will get up and go get her flowers, you will go to her apartment and you will tell her, tell her everything. Get her to fight Fox; if not for her or her family, then for you. Don't worry about me Fox, I will be gone before you return, if you return. But do me one last favor: take something to her for me." I got up and walked to the desk and grabbed my letter and gave in to him. He took it gave me one last look.

"Thank you." Then he was out the door.