"This is a horrible idea and I refuse to have anything to do with it," Fred whispered furiously. They were sitting in a doctor's waiting room. A doctor's, not a healers. Hermione had tricked him into coming, claiming she needed moral support for a fertility appointment. But they'd walked pass the waiting room full of pregnant women straight down the hall to the room full of uncomfortable looking men.
"They can help, you'll see," Hermione had said and had told the receptionist that Fred Weasley was here to see Dr Bhair.
"I told you, I don't want to see a Muggle doctor. Nothing good can come from this. Doctor's are butchers, always wanting to cut a person open." Hermione shushed him as his rant earned odd looks from the other patients.
"May I remind you that my parents are doctors? And that you were happy to go see them last year?"
"They're dentists, Hermione. They are teeth doctors, it hardly counts. Besides, they weren't poking around my dick!"
"Fred Weasley?" A young blond women stood in the doorway to one of the examination rooms. Hermione rose, pulling Fred up with her. Fred contemplated planting his feet and refusing to move but he wasn't convinced Hermione wouldn't dip her hand into her handbag and hex him into compliance.
Sighing, he followed what he presumed was the nurse into the room. He almost turned around and walked straight back out when he realised the blond wasn't the nurse, she was the doctor.
"No, Hemione, no. I can't do this." He tried to plead one last time but Hermione ignored him, taking a seat and indicating that Fred should take the one closest to the desk. In one corner of the room was a screened changing area, an odd bed sat in another corner. Lots of ominous looking medical equipment dotted the room.
"So Fred, Hermione tells my husband that you two are looking for a sperm donor because your impotent, is this correct?" Dr Bhair waited expectantly for Fred to answer, a notepad open before her, her pen poised.
"That's right, he was injured in a fire, the walls caved in on him. Luckily rain put the fire out moments later, but the damage was done." Hermione shot him a quick glance but he couldn't find words to add, the whole situation was surreal, something taken from his nightmares; Two beautiful women quizzing him about his lack of ability to perform. He looked from Hermione to Dr Bhair but she was jotting things down on her notepad and didn't realise he was quickly descending into hell.
"I understand this happened some time ago, about ten years ago?" She continued when Fred numbly nodded. "And are you able to have an erection at all?"
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now.
Hermione cleared her throat awkwardly and Fred could bet she was questioning her judgment in joining him in the examination room.
Oh well,
Fred thought to himself. Might as well enjoy myself.
"Well I can get hard. Hermione performs these hot little strip shoes. And what this girl can do with her mouth…" He reached over to slap Hermione's thigh, giving it an affectionate rub. Hermione blushed brilliantly red and Fred resisted the urge to give her a smug little smile. Instead he adopted a dejected demeanour. "Alas, nothing she does can keep me that way. It's been the same for ten years. We've tried everything. Porn, oral, threesomes, ana-"
"Yes, the doctor can well imagine the scope of things we've tried," Hermione interrupted, her voice a little shrill. She laughed awkwardly. "I think it's safe to say that your problem needs medical intervention. Honestly, we haven't looked into anything like that yet."
Fred couldn't help the quiet chuckle that escaped when he saw the doctor write down what Hermione had interrupted. Hermione glared at him and mouthed, 'child.' He allowed himself the smile he had denied moments before.
"I presume you had tests when you were first injured, what did they show?"
Fred and Hermione looked blankly at each other. Everything the magical tests had shown up, had been healed. According to the healer, there was no reason he shouldn't be able to perform.
"There was no reason that could be found," Hermione said eventually. "Aside from a slight limp, he's perfectly healthy."
Bhair's brow furrowed in thought. "Okay, we'll order some tests and I'm going to prescribe you some Viagra." She turned to her computer, pulling up several documents and printing them out. She explained when and how often to take the Viagra, the side effects. "I'll give you this information sheet to take home. Do you have any questions?"
"No," Hermione answered quickly. "We've looked into it before, but Fred didn't like the thought of putting chemicals into his body." Bhair paused in signing her name to the various print outs and Hermione attempted to backtrack. "But I think he's ready to try anything at this stage, aren't you Fred?" Hermione smiled tightly and nodded slightly.
"Yes, yes I am," Fred answered slowly, hoping his confusion didn't show.
What the hell is Viagra?
He didn't quite understand but whatever it was, there was no way he was putting it in his body.
The doctor continued her signing. When she was done, she handed the pages over, explaining where to go for the various tests she wanted done and what was involved. Fred battled to keep his expression neutral. Finally, Bhair bid them farewell and Fred resisted the urge to run from the room.
Hermione paid for the appointment and they left the building in silence, Hermione shooting him many anxious glances.
They finally reached Hermione's car and Fred calmly got into the car, placing the papers in the glove box.
Hermione bit her lip, waiting for an explosion similar to one his brother had displayed the week before - one she'd refused to discuss again, avoiding George in subject and in presence completely.
"How angry are you?" she ventured finally.
"Very," Fred said, not looking it at all. "We haven't actually tried anal at all."
Hermione glared at him before starting the car. She turned up the radio, drowning out his laughter.
"That is not funny. I'm only trying to help."
Fred wiped his eyes and once again placed his hand on Hermione's leg, as a friend this time. "I know. But I am telling you this right now, I'm not going for these tests," Fred declared.
"We'll see," Hermione responded, already planning arguments.
"And whatever this Viagra is, I'm not taking that either."
Hermione smiled. "Okay." We'll see, she silently added.