Five. Life for rent
A whisper. A rustle. Still bare trees shivered in the cold of the late February night, their branches shaking softly when a wind sprang up. Hitomi pulled her coat tightly around herself and watched her shadow that was cast against the pavement by an almost full moon. The incomplete sphere hung low above the horizon, its eternally slow and patient walk across the skies silently accompanied by the winter constellations.
Behind eyes that were shadowed by long lashes, her thoughts were drifting to a place where even she couldn't grasp them anymore. Too many thoughts at the same time. Wanting to think of everything, not able to think of anything at all.
"They're not going to bite you, you know."
Her head snapped up at the familiar voice close beside her, the low drawl sending a shiver up her spine. Shadows were playing hide and seek on his face but from the turn of his head and the prickling feeling on her skin she could tell Van was looking at her.
They were standing on top of a small staircase that led to an apartment building snuggled between houses of the same type. Most of the windows were alight, blurred silhouettes moving behind the curtains and muffled voices drifting through window slits. Warmth. Shelter.
"Pardon?"
His teeth flashed in the darkness when he smiled and he placed a hand on Merle's head, soothing the cat-girl who was showing her disapproval by uttering quiet whining noises. "I said they were not going to bite you." And when he saw confusion spreading over Hitomi's moonlit features he added, "You don't look very comfortable."
"Ah, no, it's not because of the dinner." The young woman sighed and shrugged. "I'm actually looking forward to it. I was just thinking about stuff." She frowned and rubbed her right temple. "I think."
His fingers hovering over the doorbell, Van hesitated to ring it again. "Stuff as in what you're going to do tomorrow?"
"Stuff as in how will I be able to survive the divorce without ending up as a complete wreck." A tired smile parted her lips and Van narrowed his eyes, letting his arm drop that had been raised to the doorbell.
Curiosity lurking in shadows that were occupying his features, he opened his mouth to question her but right that moment, the lamp above their heads came to life and the door was pulled open. A warm light flooded the staircase and Hitomi squinted up at the figure filling the doorframe.
Dryden Fassa was tall, his head almost touching the top of the doorframe. His brown hair curled in a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck, intelligent eyes sparkling from behind the glasses that sat on a long, straight nose.
"Millerna was already worried you wouldn't come." He laughed good-naturedly, a deep, sounding laugh, and scratched the back of his head. "But then again, Millerna's always worried about everything."
The lamp above the door buzzed quietly. "Hey, Dryden."
A hesitant step in his direction was invitation enough for Dryden to engulf Van in a manly hug that included a clap on the back and his chuckle echoed down the empty street. Hitomi wasn't surprised to see Van all flustered again and watched when Dryden bent down a little to look at Merle who was clinging to Van's leg, her small hand fisted in the fabric of his pants.
"Was it alright? I mean to get her to come here?" He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Van who was slightly shorter. "After all, it isn't the day you usually come by to have dinner."
"No, it's okay," Van replied with a light shake of his head, Hitomi's eyes burning into the back of his head. Of course, he didn't tell his friend about the screaming that had bounced off the walls in the small apartment. He didn't tell him about the struggle he had had to get Merle to leave her drawings, to get her to dress and to get her out of the house, something which Hitomi could only watch helplessly.
Dryden nodded and shifting his gaze slightly, he caught Hitomi's eyes over Van's shoulder. Seeing his smile, she instantly knew he could make her sell her grandmother.
"Good evening, Miss Kanzaki." The light from the lamp above was caught in his glasses when he nodded his head lightly and stepped aside, revealing the corridor. "I'm Dryden, king of the castle."
There was a bark of laughter and she shifted her attention to Van who was ushering Merle inside, giving his friend a doubtful look over his shoulder. "You wish. Your princess has the pants on." Amusement was curling around the corners of his mouth. "Come on in, Hitomi."
She hid a grin and walked past Dryden who bowed and held out a hand. As soon as she entered, a warmth enveloped her that smelled of a dozen different lives, lives that were hidden behind the doors scattered along the hallway. It was clean and walls painted a friendly yellow led her up the wooden stairs, groaning sleepily when they climbed to the second floor.
The door to the apartment stood wide open, a cloud of deliciously smelling spices hovering above the threshold. Van helped his little sister out of her shoes and the second she stepped into the brightly illuminated living room, a squeal shook the walls of the house that had Van wincing.
An expression of dry resignation settled on his features and with the stoic calmness of a rock, he waited for the storm to break over him in form of a blonde beauty. He didn't even blink an eye when Millerna jumped on his back and flung her arms around his neck and her legs around his stomach, holding onto him tightly.
"You're here." The princess pressed a sloppy kiss onto his cheek and threw her mane over her shoulder, shining curls cascading all the way down to her waist. She looked like a happy little girl when resting on his back, the smile she cast Hitomi infectious. "And you brought her along."
Van shrugged. "'Course."
"If you weren't the one who hooked us up, Van, I'd punch the living lights out of you, right now." Dryden tried to hide his grin by pushing his glasses up his nose but noticing the twinkle in his eyes, his wife smiled coyly and began to run her hands agonizingly slow down Van's chest.
The young man let out a low growl and swatted her hands away. "Stop it already."
"Mmh," she purred and leaned closer, tightening her vice-like grip around his upper torso. Hitomi saw the muscles in his neck tense when he attempted to pry off her hands of him. "My husband has to work out hard to reach this level."
Millerna bit down a grin and raised a brow challengingly at Dryden but he just held his hands up in defeat. "Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not the type to work out like lover-boy here."
"You're working out?" Hitomi's lips were twitching and Van sighed, giving up on getting Millerna to let go of him.
"I'm not working out."
Millerna hugged him tightly. "No, but you're doing this martial arts sword swinging thing." She frowned by seeing the confused look on Hitomi's face. "His classes are on Wednesday and Thursday evening...I thought you knew."
They had watched Finding Nemo on Wednesday evening. Never once had he mentioned he was attending martial arts classes. Never once had he mentioned his practice was on Wednesday evening. Had he skipped practice? Because of her?
Why?
An awkward silence had settled over them and Van averted his eyes, turning to carry Millerna piggy-back down the small corridor. "Dinner's getting cold."
Blonde brows rose in surprise but Millerna had only time to give her husband a confused look before she disappeared into the living room, her hands resting lightly on Van's shoulders when he carried her.
There was the quiet ruffling of clothes and Hitomi started when she felt a light tap on her shoulder, swirling around to meet smiling brown eyes. Dryden took her coat and she followed in Van's wake, her mind swirling with thoughts.
Why had he not told her about his practice?
A huge bouquet that sat in the center of the already set table was greeting her when she entered the living room. The scent of fish and spices clung to the air like a little child to its mother's legs and she could hear clinking noises coming from the kitchen.
Merle was already perched on a chair, her tail dangling limply from the edge and her upper torso bent over a piece of paper. A tanned hand was placed on her head, long fingers running gently through her pink tresses. Van had his other hand tucked in a pocket of his pants, his face tilted towards a painting resting against a shelf that was filled with books to the point of bursting.
"She finished another one?" He turned his head and his eyes flickered over Hitomi before they came to rest on Dryden.
"Yeah, she claimed a bunch of muses kissed her." Dryden smiled and held out a chair for Hitomi. "She locked herself in the atelier and worked throughout the whole night. This is the result."
Hitomi looked past Van at the painting, expensive oil paint stretching lazily across the canvas. She could see two naked bodies, one male and one female, tangled in an intimate embrace, rough, hard lines creating their outlines. There were no faces, no details, just their closeness and their touches, the trust their vulnerability was radiating reaching beyond the frame.
Their bodies were soaked in a cold blue that was mingling with an innocent, pure white where they touched, making the coldness melt, blue however still dominating the painting. Blue, the colour of longing and faithfulness, truth and belief.
Hitomi sat down on the offered chair and turned to look at Dryden who had taken off his glasses to clean them at his pullover. "Do you paint as well?"
"Oh, no. Heaven forbid." He let out a low chuckle. "Art is not exactly my thing."
Delicate brows knitted slowly, a flicker of confusion rushing across her eyes. "But I thought you were working in the gallery with Millerna."
"No no, the gallery is all Millerna's. It was my birthday present for her." A grin was twitching at the corners of his mouth. "I'm running my father's company. Lots of economic stuff and hair tearing. You wouldn't want to know."
"Dryden!" Millerna yelled from the kitchen, drowning the sound of a running faucet. "I need help!"
With a sigh, he placed his glasses back onto his nose. "Aye."
Smiling, Hitomi turned back around in her chair and felt her heart leaping right into her throat when she found Van looking at her. Looking at her with these incredible eyes of his. Searching. Finding. Knowing. She felt naked. Mouth dry. Not able to turn away.
The soft padding of footsteps broke the spell and Dryden brought a huge pan, deliciously smelling steam rising from the surface. Hitomi wanted to seize the possibility and flee into the kitchen with the excuse to help Millerna but the blonde woman joined the table right then.
Her heart beating furiously inside, Hitomi settled back in her chair, watching everybody taking a seat. What had just happened?
Millerna dumped a heap of rice on her guest's plate and after whacking her husband over the head, she turned, lilac eyes bright with mischief. "How did the concerts go? I've seen your announcements all over the city."
It was the Monday one week and two days after Millerna had invited her for dinner. She hadn't been able to make it that last Sunday due to a meeting with her lawyer that had been a short notice and had given concerts those last four days. Her first concerts alone. Without Allen at her side.
"Although it was only me on the stage without my glorious husband, I think people still liked it." She smiled weakly and took the plate Millerna offered, the words leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.
Dryden finally managed to swat his wife's hands away and loaded his plate with rice and fish. "Where is he anyway?"
For a moment, Hitomi's features hardened and her knuckles turned white when she tightened her grip around her knife but only Van saw it. The angry fire in her eyes flickered and died like a candle in a draught by finding him watching her. "He's in Pallas, nursing his broken arm."
She had only told Van that she was about to get divorced but she had the distinct feeling that Millerna knew, her amethyst eyes boring right into her. Call it female intuition for Dryden seemed to be completely oblivious to the tension tightening its grip around the table.
"Right, and how long are you going to stay here? Are you heading straight for Pallas when you're done here?"
"No, I'm not. I've got concerts in Zaibach this coming week." She averted her eyes from Dryden's smiling face and poked the fish on her plate with her fork. "I'm leaving on Thursday morning."
"In three days already?" Millerna exclaimed in surprise and cast a glance at Van who was picking Merle's hands out of her food, pressing the cutlery softly into her palms.
Green eyes hiding behind long lashes, Hitomi was watching him as well, searching for something on his features that would give away his thoughts, a surprised quirking of his dark eyebrows, his sensual lips parting, something, anything. She felt as if her insides were twisting into a knot, yearning for a reaction.
Nothing.
What had she expected? She hadn't told him, hadn't mentioned it in a single sentence, hadn't dropped at least one hint. She was leaving in three days. Did it even matter to him? Did he care? And why did she care?
Because you're falling.
She immediately drilled the thought into the depths of her mind's oblivion as if it were a cigarette she squashed with her heel.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Was it? Why should it be? Why should it be wrong to miss his presence? Why should it be wrong to search his closeness, to look forward to hearing his voice, to feel light-headed at his smiles? Because maybe he could not feel the same? Did she fear rejection? And why was she thinking about it now?
Banning the thoughts from her mind, she focused her attention on the conversation that had started and not on Van's obvious disinterest in her leaving. Hitomi was surprised about the couple's openness and naturalness for she was, after all, still a stranger. Feeling comfortable in their company, she set her mind on getting Dryden to talk about himself while Millerna was obviously hell-bent on getting him to shut up.
They talked, they joked, they laughed. She laughed. And it didn't feel like five hours when she suddenly stood beside Van in the corridor, ready to leave. The goodbye was warm, full of smiles, and she knew she would miss the young family. Their fierce hugs left her quite breathless and she didn't exactly know how to react to Millerna's "Till next time!" She settled for a smile.
The night was lounging in the streets, painting the city grey and dotting the canvas of the sky with stars. She averted her eyes from the twinkling lights and spotted Merle groping her way along Van's leg until his long, tanned fingers gently closed around her small hand.
"Well," his deep voice cut into the silence and Hitomi's head snapped up. "We were interrupted earlier, weren't we?"
She raised her brows at his nonchalance. "We were?"
"Yeah, you were just about to tell me about your divorce when Dryden opened the door." Van led Merle down the stairs and stopped under a streetlamp on the sidewalk right in front of the apartment building. Tall. Dark. Unreadable.
Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her coat, Hitomi joined his side. The wind was whispering around the corners of the houses while they were waiting for Gaddes to pick her up.
"I don't know what there'd be to tell." Her words hardly reached his ears for she was speaking to his shoes, her voice endlessly tired. She looked defeated.
"You tell me."
Exhaling deeply, she finally looked up and her eyes reminded him of those of a doll, bright and clear but lifeless. They were the windows to her soul but they were stained, smeared and dirty from pretending to be someone else than herself, hiding the shards that lay scattered beneath the lies. "I'm just sick of it all. I'm sick of pretending, I'm sick of playing hide and seek, I'm sick of arguing about the ruins of my life with my ex-husband. The only good it did was to cure me from my stupid believe in true love."
"Why?" His eyes were almost black in the twilight of the night when he looked down at her. "Just because your first shot didn't hit bull's eye?"
Her delicate brows knitted at his words and she unconsciously squared her shoulders, her stance radiating anger. She was bitter, he could read it all across her features from the sneering curl at the corners of her mouth to her cold eyes. "I wasted three years of my life."
But more than being bitter, she was hurting. She had been hurt so much that she was now blinded by rage, unable to see that she was picking violently at the scab that was to heal the wounds, tearing them open again until only scars would be left.
"Was it a waste?" He held her stare, the wind freezing his exposed skin but the part where he held Merle's hand. "Was every month, every week, every single day of these years a waste? Isn't there one memory worth remembering? It makes me wonder why you married him at all."
The angry fire in her eyes flickered briefly but immediately rekindled as if a wind had blown new life into the flames. "I loved him more than my own life. I thought we were meant to be but obviously, I was wrong. He isn't the Allen I fell in love with anymore. He changed and everything just went down from there."
The words weren't spoken loudly but they were laced with so much resentment it was deafening. "You blame him, don't you?" In the distance, a pair of headlights cut through the darkness. "He changed. But it's just the way things go. They change. All the time. He is a different person now but so are you, Hitomi."
It had been risky and he knew it. She could have snapped right back at him but there was no emotion on her features. Complete blankness. They just stood there, looking at each other.
Her voice was hollow when she spoke, empty. "Alright. So, now we despise each other because we changed? And what else did you say? Things change all the time? Well, assuming you were right, how would eternal love be even possible?"
"Don't twist my words for your liking. You don't despise him." He was looking directly at her and she averted her eyes, finding it hard to look into his eyes for long, distracting, unnerving.
"How do you know?"
He exhaled. "Tell me a time when he made you laugh. Tell me a time you told him you loved him. A time you thought you would be together for the rest of your lives."
She blinked and her lips parted slightly, the promise of a reply in the breath she let go. It was when a familiar Ford pulled up beside them and she turned away.
Hesitation. That was what slowed her motions when she approached the car and reached for the door. He knew she wanted to say something. He knew she was too scared to do it. He knew he was right. He knew she was too proud to admit it.
"Good night."
Good night, that was all. No touch, no hug, no "Will I see you tomorrow?". There never was. She never told him if she would come by the next day. He never asked. Like a stray cat she would slip through the window he had left open for her whenever she needed warmth and comfort. There was never a word, never a promise, never any commitment.
She opened the door of the passenger side and turned briefly to look at him, the light of the streetlamp above them casting sharp shadows across her features. He was surprised to find her smiling. It was brief and small, invisible if he hadn't known where to look. But it was there.
A cool breeze carried the sound of a car door being slammed shut down the forsaken street and he was left staring at his own reflection in the window of the door. The Ford's engine roared and she was gone, one thought hammering inside his skull when he watched the red rear lights fading in the night, hammering so loud that it even drowned the sound of his wildly beating heart.
She was leaving in three days.
A chilly draft was creeping through the wide open windows, invisible hands dragging the long, silken curtains gently over the carpeted floor and ruffling through the foliage of the ficcus standing calmly beside the door. The soft whisper of leaves and fabric was the only noise together with the quiet humming of the television set. A grave silence had settled down in the huge bedroom, occupying the rattan chairs huddled in a corner and stretching lazily across the king-sized bed.
Hitomi stood beyond the bay windows on the balcony, her fingers wrapped around the marble railing and her honey-coloured strands dancing around her face. Behind her, the wide bedroom was drenched in the light of a sun that was still too weak to burn all the clouds at the sky, a blue duffel bag seemingly lost in a bed even too big for two people.
She had done it.
She was in Pallas, nearly one thousand kilometres away from where she was actually supposed to be. After her conversation with Van the night before, she hadn't been able to close her eyes, his words repeating in her head like a song from a cracked long player.
His words. They had haunted her, they had had her sit up straight at five in the morning, the turmoil of thoughts in her mind forming to a final decision at last. She had taken the first flight to Pallas and had come up here to the house with the intention to find out if he was right.
The wind carried the unmistakable scent of salt and she could see the ocean twinkling from between the fans of the palm trees that were lining the way down to their private beach.
It had been her favourite place, that balcony. She couldn't count how often she had come up here to think, to sulk, to relax or to just listen to the soft whisper of the ocean telling her stories. It had been home. Her house. She had decorated and furnished it, she had put the photos on the walls, she had linked everything with a memory.
For almost three years, they had laughed here, they had joked, they had made love, and they had argued. They had argued so much. These walls had heard so many nasty things, had seen so many tears and had felt so many glasses crack on their surface before falling in shards to their feet.
She snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the deep roaring of an expensive car and the noise of tires on gravel. Without hesitating, she strode through the swaying curtains and grabbing her duffel bag, left the bedroom. Her footsteps reverberated along the empty hallway before the noise dispersed in the wide hall that opened at the end of it.
The front door swung open when she reached the top of the marble stairs and sunlight flooded the tiles where Allen entered the house, his shadow stretched out in front of him. His hand resting on the doorknob, he froze, bright blue eyes wide and alight with a dozen different emotions.
"Hitomi."
The word brushed over her when she descended the stairs, an echo of the past following in its wake. It spoke of different times, times when they had loved each other, times that by looking at him she knew would never return.
He wasn't taking his eyes off her when he closed the door and dropped the sling that had been wrapped around his arm to the ground. "What are you doing here?"
Had the circumstances been any different, she would have laughed at the surprise and confusion on Allen's features, something she hadn't seen between all the disdain and mockery of those last months. "I came to get my stuff."
"What...?" He ran a hand through his hair, the hand of the arm everybody thought was broken. "What does this mean?"
"I need some time to think." Averting her green eyes from his face that flashed utter confusion, she brushed past him. "Some time away from here."
"You are on tour in Fanelia...how much more away can you be?" There was slight amusement in his voice and she knew he thought she was having one of those days. A phase. Temporary unsoundness of mind. Something she would outgrow within the next days. Maybe it was. And maybe it was not. "And what is there to think about?"
She hesitated. And she did not know why. She had been waiting for him, wanting to tell him, wanting to say it right into his face, wanting to draw the final line. So, why was she being a coward now? "Maybe I don't want to fight about the house anymore. Maybe I don't mind when you take it."
Allen gave a laugh that reverberated from the cold walls around them. "Are you on drugs? I mean, seriously, did I slip into some kind of twisted alternate universe?"
Hitomi stopped with her hand on the doorknob, delicate brows knitting. "Allen..."
"No, Hitomi, I don't understand." He raised his hands in an appeasing manner when he saw the ominous cloud building above her head. "You were hell-bent on getting the house for yourself. You even started this war about it."
"And you kept it up just to annoy me." The defiance that rang with her words was louder than the anger. She knew it had been immature but simply hadn't been able to stop herself.
A guilty smile tugged at the corners of his lips and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "And now, you're giving up, just like that? Why?"
She shrugged and though she tried to do it with the utmost nonchalance it reflected the nervousness that was even making her palms sweat. There, she had said it. There was no making it undone. Now, she had to stand up to her decision. "I miss the mountains."
And she really did. She had noticed it in Fanelia when standing on the bridge, looking out at the mountains that were hugging the city in a protective embrace. Mountains reminded her of home, of her childhood, of the family that still didn't know of her divorce.
"If I didn't know you better I'd say somebody had you brain-washed." A grin suddenly spread across Allen's features that reached from one ear to the other. "Say, are you still meeting this boy toy of yours?"
"I knew it wasn't a good idea to come to talk to you." She sighed resignedly and opened the front door. "I should have talked to your lawyer."
Reaching out a hand, he pushed the door close again, stopping her from leaving. "And yet you didn't. Now, why am I not surprised?"
Her eyes flashed with suppressed anger. "Because you're a conceited jackass!"
Allen sighed exaggeratedly. "And here I thought you'd stopped bitching. Some things never change, I guess." He countered her glare with a lop-sided grin. "Hitomi, what do you expect from me? This is kind of sudden."
"It is not." Allen almost didn't hear the whispered words, her eyes refusing to meet his. "I was thinking about it for a long time."
Van's words had been only the spark to a field of dry grass burned by hurt and distrust for too long, igniting a fire that had long been due and turning everything that had been to smouldering ashes. It was time for new grass to grow.
Allen suddenly chuckled, the sound rumbling deep in his chest, and she looked up into his clear eyes. "Look what has become of us. You know, there was a time when we actually loved each other."
"Hard to believe."
The physical distance between them was so small that she could smell his aftershave, a different one now, and yet she knew she couldn't reach him. One and a half years ago, the ground between them had broken away, leaving a canyon too wide and too deep to surpass with shouting being the only way to communicate.
Two former lovers and their spite for each other was freezing the air. That was what she had never been able to understand; after everything they had gone through, after the wedding, after the vows, after every minute they had spent in each others arms, how could they treat each other like that now?
But she knew. Van had been right. They had both changed, like the plastic cap of a bottle that had been deformed by the sun and that now wouldn't fit anymore. She had always wondered why she had loved him once but it was the wrong way to look at it. The right question to ask was why wasn't she in love with him anymore? And the answer was simple, so simple even that she had overlooked it all those months – the answer was she herself.
"Will you ever stop being so cynical?" His voice was like a yell in the uncomfortable silence that had wrapped its invisible arms around them.
Green eyes darkening like the sky before a thunderstorm, she looked up at him, her clothes rustling softly when she squared her shoulders. "Will you ever stop being such a self-righteous jerk?"
"Do you always reply to questions with a counter-question or is it just when you don't like the answer?" The corners of his lips were twitching and she felt that old, angry spark igniting within her.
"I just do it when I don't feel like justifying myself."
"Look, we're doing it again." Confused, she raised her brows and he grinned wryly, white teeth showing. "Trying to rip each other's head off."
Hitomi shrugged and averted her eyes, feeling childish. "Well, it seems to be the thing we're best at."
"Why are you here? Probably not to argue with me." His usual nonchalance and carelessness showed again and it was what had hurt the most; he had always seemed as if it didn't matter the slightest bit to him. "You could have talked to my lawyer, you didn't have to wait here for me."
"I didn't— " Her cheeks flushed with anger and embarrassment but he cut her off.
"You did wait, now stop trying to lie to me. You know it's pointless." The grin on his features was pure mischief. He could still read her like a book and she hated him all the more for it.
And there she was, unable to see what was behind the mask he wore. It was one of those moments when she was wondering if she ever knew him at all. "I just wanted to settle some things. Get my mind cleared."
"You're absolutely serious about this." She thought she heard something like acknowledgement between his words and it made a sudden wave of pride wash over her.
Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
"I am." The words were so quiet she had trouble hearing them herself. "I haven't been for a while but yes, I am."
Allen watched her for a moment, watched her eyes dart across the reflections of sunlight dancing over the polished tiles while she was counting her heartbeats. "What about your stuff? I refuse to believe that everything fit into that bag."
"No, that's just what means the most to me. I'll send someone to get my stuff sometime...or wait, do you need the space right now?" The hospitality that had managed to cover old grudges for a while was suddenly gone, like a set of dishes angrily wiped off a table. "So your bimbo can move in here, you know? Where is she anyway?"
"Kristen is with her parents and stop calling her names. She doesn't do it to you, despite what you think." Hitomi raised her brows in suspicion. "And believe it or not but you'd like her if you just met her."
She gave a hollow laugh. "Thank you but I pass. I highly doubt that airhead and I have anything in common."
A slow, subtle smile stole on his lips, curling them faintly at the corners. "You'd be surprised."
Her eyes narrowed and her mouth pressed to a thin line, she reached for the doorknob. "Goodbye, Allen. Don't get me wrong but I don't feel like small-talking with you right now."
"I'm not keeping you." Shrugging his shoulders, he stepped away from the door, widening the distance between them.
Sunlight spilled at her feet when she opened the door, the chilly air grasping her wrists. The shadows were chased from his features and she couldn't tell if it was like an illusion of what had or a vision of what could have been. Either way it didn't matter anymore for it was a path she had left. "I know."
She cast a last look over her shoulder and it wasn't like seeing hallways she had roamed for a thousand times, parapets she had touched too many times to count, doors she had slammed shut, stairs she had stumbled down, tables she had decorated with flowers every time she had had the time to buy an exotic bouquet. It was a different place now. A strange place.
The magic of the house that had enchanted her the first time she had set a foot across the threshold was gone. Like a rare bird sitting on the window-sill it had flown away with the first yells bouncing off the walls, startled, ruffling its sparkling feathers one last time before abandoning the place forever.
The scent of memory was still hovering in the corners of the rooms and the folds of the curtains, the hallways smelling faintly of the life that had soaked the house. It was a fragrance that would soon be forgotten, forever stuck among the fabric of the furniture with nobody to remember its origin.
She left without another word and when she had disappeared around the corner to where her car was parked, the door fell softly shut.
"You don't have to do this."
Van wiped his forehead at the sleeve of his loose red shirt, trying to get at least some of his unruly strands out of his line of vision. Dishes clinked and the sound of running water almost drowned the soft sigh that escaped rosy lips.
"I know but I want to." Hitomi gave him a challenging look, one eyebrow raised, and placed the last plate in the sink. "Just be grateful and go wash your hands."
The young man opened his mouth to contradict but seeing that there was no use in arguing about a matter that had been settled already ten minutes ago, he only shook his head in silent surrender.
She had come for lunch this time, breaking with their little dinner ritual. And now she insisted on washing the dishes. Well, let her be.
With one long stride, he avoided Merle who was sitting in the way, turning the floor into one of her masterpieces by aligning crayons and pens of every colour possible in a complicated pattern. He opened the door to the small bathroom with his elbow for his hands and forearms were stained with black ink due to an unsuccessful attempt on refilling his printer.
He scrubbed his skin until it was turning an irritated shade of red, managing to get most of the ink off of his arms, drops of water bursting quietly on the sparkling surface of the ceramic sink. Leaning down, he splashed a handful of water in his face and reached blindly for a towel. When he opened his eyes again he was met with something odd.
He frowned.
There was a toothbrush that was neither his one nor Merle's. It was of a translucent but intense red with grinning, yellow ducks printed all across.
"Don't get your panties in a knot. I'm taking it with me again." Hitomi had appeared beside him, a grin twitching at the corners of her lips, and pushed past him to reach for her toothbrush.
He watched her reflection in the mirror, green eyes twinkling from between her long lashes. Something had changed, he could see it in the curl at the corner of her lips, at the crinkles fanning out beside her eyes. It was still there, the weight that seemed to press down on her all the time, but her stance was straighter and her shoulders more squared.
"I just brought it along for I won't be able to brush my teeth before that interview later and I cannot stand mingling with people without my teeth all clean and shiny." She grinned and her toothbrush sticking out of the left corner of her mouth, she shoved him softly out of the bathroom.
It was good to know that he was still king of his own four walls.
But despite the little voice in the back of his head that kept telling him with an astonishing patience that he was making one hell of a mistake, he smiled. Something about Hitomi had grown so familiar to him that he caught himself missing her when she wasn't around. And that had him sleepless.
He ran a nervous hand through his hair. The ventilation of his beat-up laptop was humming steadily. Merle's clothes were shuffling over the carpet with her movements. The telephone was ringing.
He picked up the receiver and stepped swiftly aside when the cat-girl tiptoed around him, the sunlight caught in her hair. A quiet noise of protest escaped her lips when he patted her softly on the top of her head. "Hello?"
"Long time, no bother, eh?"
Running a hand through his hair again, Van sighed. "I had hoped I'd never hear your voice again."
Yukari Uchida hopped onto her desk and flinging her hair over her shoulder, she smoothed her skirt. Her mobile was humming over documents strewn carelessly across the table, announcing an incoming message. "Your blunt honesty is very refreshing, Van."
"My pleasure." Van plopped down onto the couch and sprawled lazily out against the backrest, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. "But what do you want, Yukari?"
"Hitomi is with you, right?" There was a silence when she opened her mobile and Van stared into space. "That was a rhetorical question, you don't have to answer. I know that she's there, I know that she's been with you for these last two weeks."
"What do you want?" Again, his voice was dismissive, cold, hoping to get rid of her with openly displayed hostility, knowing that wouldn't be the case.
"I want to give you an advice," she said slowly and snapped her mobile shut. "I want you to be careful because you're threading on thin ice. According to the law, she's still married, no matter how much she despises her husband or how many women he's playing with. And when the press get a whiff of what is going on between the two of you they're going to tear you apart like a raw piece of meat, both of you."
Van sighed audibly and pressed his palm against his eye. "There is nothing going on between us."
A snort. "Really? Well then, I would say you're both blind."
"Yukari, I know you're worried about her but—"
"Obviously you haven't been listening for I said I was worried about the both of you." There was a slight edge in her voice. "If this comes out, it's going to horribly mess up everything you were working so hard for to get in order."
Now, there was an edge in his voice as well. Why, he didn't know. "I told you there was nothing –"
"I know what you told me for, in contrary to you, I do listen." Yukari Uchida sounded genuinely angry. "But it doesn't matter if there is something or not, Van. It's enough when it is known that she's been seeing you almost every day since that concert. There will be enough stories, don't worry. And there'll be even more people laying siege upon your apartment until you come out and they can take a picture of you and your little autistic sister. Remember the havoc you caused with keeping her away from the Valentine's Ball? That was a warm-up."
She was right, with every word, with every syllable, with every unspoken thought hiding between the lines. He knew it. He had known it the moment Hitomi had showed up at his door for the first time. "I suppose you don't want me to see her again."
"I wonder if you were listening to me at all. Be careful, that's all I want. You're both grown up, or at least you should be, and I believe you capable of assessing the situation and what's at stake." Yukari was hunched on her knees, pressing the receiver against her ear and maybe for the first time, she wasn't playing with anything, not her mobile or documents or a biro, nothing, her concentration solely on the man at the other end of the line.
"Thank you." Sarcasm. Anger. Why couldn't she forbid him to see Hitomi again? He would have an excuse at least. How pathetic. When had he turned into such a coward?
A satisfied smile tugged at the corners of her lips, noticing he hadn't tried to deny again. "You're welcome, of course. What are friends there for?"
A disbelieving snort was all she got in reply and she rolled her eyes. "Flattering as usual. Just make sure she's at the hotel on time for the interview and no dirty stuff in front of the kid."
"Goodbye, Yukari."
"See you later, Van," she chirped and the connection was cut.
He stared at the ceiling, his mind blank. When the sound of water roaring through the pipes stopped, he placed the receiver on the table in front of him.
The door to the bathroom opened quietly. "Who was it?"
He looked up and met questioning green eyes, water dropping from the tips of her hair. She was asking. A little while ago, she wouldn't have cared, she wouldn't even have noticed. But things had changed, not forcefully or conspicuously but quietly and with the unstoppable certainty of an avalanche.
She told him where she had been and where she would go. It was something they had never spoken about before. Their plans had never been a topic.
"A friend. Nothing important." He watched her twist the wedding ring on her finger and by the look on her face, he could tell she wanted to say something. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah." She turned away and rubbed her temple. "I was...I was visiting Allen in Pallas. I told him he could have the house."
Pitch-black brows rose in surprise. "The house you were so fond of?"
He watched her closely, curious. She brushed a few wet strands out of her eyes with a nervous movement of her hand, the silence heavy with hesitation. "Yup, that house." She finally nodded her head and turned to face him, her jaw set. "And you know what? Afterwards I went to my parents and told them about the divorce."
He didn't question any further. He didn't have to. She told him everything. Everything about the conversation with Allen and how surprisingly civilized it had been. About the house and that she had felt as sad as she had expected when leaving it but that it was okay. About her family and the long, long talk that had followed the revelation she had dropped like a bomb during dinner.
And although she tried to seem casual about it, like she would do something like this every third Monday of the month, he knew it hadn't been easy, hadn't been easy at all.
But despite the emotion that still shook her voice, Van couldn't trace the slightest bit of doubt about her. She was sure about the decision. Her hands were resting calmly in her lap, her eyes were focused and she was radiating an aura of determination as if she were at ease and satisfied with herself.
He wondered when he had started to notice details like this and his lips curled ever so faintly at the corners.
"What are you smiling about?"
He looked up, a bright, curious green welcoming him. You. Me. About how you make me feel like a thirteen year old with braces. About the irony of the whole situation.
He didn't voice his thoughts. Too embarrassed. Too shy. Too much of a coward. "Are you coming with us to the park?" Instead he went for ignoring the question and felt like a fool.
Hitomi bit her lip. "No, sorry. I got this interview later this afternoon and Yukari's gonna kill me if I'm late." She looked like she wanted to say more, the words she had been rolling over her tongue over and over again lurking behind parted lips.
What did she want to say? And what was he going to reply?
The answer was easy. So ridiculously easy: nothing. They weren't going to say anything. But somehow he had a feeling what was on her mind or at least, a small, foolish part of him was hoping it was what was on her mind.
"It's already time to go to the park, isn't it?" Her words splashed on the silence like raindrops on the sidewalk.
Van watched her watching him, her arms wrapped securely around her fragile frame. When had things started to change? When had he started to care? When had he started to miss her? When had he started to wish things would remain the way they were now?
He couldn't tell. But it was probably the same moment he had wanted to keep her. The moment he had wanted to close the window to stop her from leaving again, not knowing if she would return or never appear at his doorstep ever again.
Unreadable eyes shifted to the clock at the wall. "Yeah, in a few minutes."
"Okay, I better go as well." She had turned away before he could lock eyes with her again, left to watch her profile.
Hitomi gathered her belongings, clothes, books, CD's strewn across the apartment throughout these past days. And though he knew she wouldn't be able to take everything with her. It had only been a few weeks and yet she had managed to leave her imprint in his life. She was in the smiley face she had drawn with lipstick across the side of the fridge, in the books that were now ordered according to size on the shelf, in the only plant in his apartment which she had bought, telling him the room needed some chlorophyll.
Fifteen minutes later, the door to his apartment fell shut and the key turned.
"You don't regret it, do you?"
She looked up, startled like he had just shaken her out of her thoughts. "Pardon?"
Van took Merle's small warm hand and their footsteps reverberated from the walls, sending a multiple echo down the staircase. "The things you did today. The things you said."
A smile made of sun rushed across her features. "No, I don't regret it."
Of course, she didn't. After roaming around without any clear destination or a point of orientation, she now seemed to have finally found her Pole Star. And he was sure she didn't even know it.
Hitomi didn't say any more until they had left the building, a pleasantly warm breeze chasing the last remaining winter cold into the darkest corners of the streets. Van stopped on the sidewalk at the bottom of the staircase that led down from the front door, knowing Gaddes's car wasn't parked on the way to the park.
"I guess some things will change for me now." She tucked some strands behind her ear which the wind kept blowing in her view. "Thank you."
He lifted one dark brow. "What for?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt like it."
Her gaze was on everything but him, hardly brushing him as if she feared to meet his eyes. "Well then, you're welcome," he replied, his voice deep and warm.
Again, she looked as if she wanted to say more, mouth opening and closing, taking a deep breath and letting it shakily go again. Only this time, he knew, she would say it.
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something to hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for
"Van." The hand that was hidden in the pocket of his jacket fisted. When had she ever said his name? She rarely did and therefore the impact was all the more devastating. It sounded better than any of Bach's pieces played on a Stradivari. He knew he could listen to it forever. Like it was meant to be.
How much more foolish could he be? "I'm leaving tomorrow."
He knew. Goddammit, he knew.
How often had he been dreading the moment she would say it? How long had he been lying awake, thinking about what to reply? He had hoped the words would never pass her lips, yet it had been certain from the very first day on.
Cars roared past but he didn't hear. Hitomi had leaned down to Merle, smiling at the girl who instantly pressed her small body harder against his legs.
"Hey there, little one. I won't be around for a while but I'm sure I'll see you soon again." She was about to stretch out her hand and pat the cat-girl's silky pink hair but decided against it.
"Bye bye, Hitomi," Merle said quietly without looking at her. "You're nice. You're a lot nicer than the girls at school."
Hitomi smiled broadly and rose, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her jeans and resting her gaze on Van. "Listen, how about you give me your number and we could –-"
"I think it's better when we don't see each other again." Quiet. Curt. Cutting through the air and her words like an arrow. Fast. Perfect aim. Hitting the red, round target right in the center. She looked like she had been slapped, eyes wide open and mouth slightly agape.
Surprise. The words unexpected and unfamiliarly cold. Hurt. The words stinging worse than the imprint of five fingers on her cheek.
"What?"
"You understood me just fine." It was for the best. "What is it we're doing here?" It was the best for her, for him, for Merle.
She blinked and seemed to find her balance again, regaining what had been sent stumbling by his declaration. "What do you mean?"
"This! Us! What is it?" He spread his arms, demanding an answer, a definition, an explanation. "You only want to see me again so you can seek shelter, flee from your problems like you have been doing for these past weeks."
Delicate brows knitted. "Are you accusing me of using you? You think I only stayed with you to get away from my life? Well, if that was my intention, then what about you? Why were you cancelling dinners with Millerna and Dryden? Why were you skipping practice? Because you enjoyed the time with me!" Van felt panic briefly rise inside his throat. Could it be? "Because you liked playing happy little family! Don't accuse me of using you when you did just the same!"
"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" Bitterness sketched a smile that hardly reached past the corners of his mouth. "When you see you just pretend something you can never be, something you can never have."
"That is what you think?" She seemed angry, the look in her eyes scorching his skin. "You think that is what was happening between us these last days?"
Yes, exactly that. She was right with everything. He had enjoyed the time, had enjoyed every minute they had spent together, every minute things had seemed normal. "This is just a farce that will hurt us both in the end."
He winced at the harshness of his words. Hitomi however didn't seem to mind and the challenging sparkle in her eyes unnerved him. "In one point you're wrong."
Another car roared past and the noises around them grew louder, deafening with the moment that seemed to stretch endlessly like the string of a violin.
And it only needed so much as a breath, a ruffle of clothes and it finally tore with a short inaudible sound when she leaned in to kiss him.